Journey to the past... on to find my future

One of hanglu's fave songs... one day it suddenly popped up in my head, and i thot.. how very true it feels for me at this moment, for various reasons...

Journey to the Past
Anastasia

Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear

Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
On this journey to the past

Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
Years of dreams just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
Finally home where I belong

Well starting here my life begins
Starting now, I'm learning fast
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
On this journey to the past

One step at a time
One hope then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was
On to find my future
Things my heart still needs to know

Yes, let this be a sign
Let this road be mine
Let it lead me to my past
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
To bring me home
At last

Removing those marks

So much for telling all my frens recently how nicely i am moving on...
Five minutes before i woke up this morning, i dreamt of Bernard with such vividness that it shook me.... i can almost feel the saltiness of his skin.

We were jogging together, and after stopping, i sat down and examined the mud spots on my new running shoes, wondering how to remove them.

He taught me some quick tips and tricks. i looked at him for a moment, hugged him very tightly, and cried... pleading with him to please don't leave me... or else who would be there to teach me all those little things in future...

then i woke up.

Part 3: Moving on with...

... the house!

it is expected to TOP in Dec 07! which is really soon! :D and to think i was really starting to lost hope... :,)
(the committed TOP is actually May 09)

went out with my sis today, and was pondering out loud how i am gonna manage two moves within a few months - cos my family is moving house in Dec 07/Jan 08 and i will move out once my place is ready, which i have no idea when. the developers and contractors were unable to give anything definite when i called to check some time ago.

so my sis said, why don't u ask someone? and i thot, ya maybe i shud call the lawyers again today. and so i did.

the lawyer said, oh incidentally we received a notice from the developers just today and need you to come sign some documents.

since i'm in the area, i went today. the developer had drawn down the last "column" before the TOP column!!! (see previous post "One more column!") AND together with the payment schedule was a letter that said, the expected TOP will be in or around December 2007!!!

it is in sight! finally and truly!

i had told Kris, rather sadly, that the best birthday present i wish to have is the keys to my place. convinced that it will not happen.

and now it might! well, at least i have a rough indication :o)

i immediately texted a few frens... that today is the happiest day in the past year and a half :)

Part 2: Letting go of...

A year and seven months past...

Finally, somewhere along the way (i'm not exactly sure when), i've become ok with letting people know without fear... fear of people seeing me differently, fear of being the subject of pity.

i guess at some point along the way, i have finally learnt to let go. let go of the pain, the guilt, the fear, the knots in my heart. people have told me from the start that one day i will wake up and realize that it doesn't hurt as much anymore, and obviously i couldn't imagine.

and this morning, i finally threw away the bouquet of rocher chocolates that bernard had given to me when he proposed. realizing that keeping tangible items is not symbolic of keeping him in my heart.

Part 1: Holding on to...

I read Hanglu's blog, and this struck me, "What is beautiful and blooming today will inevitably become a wilting flower tomorrow." It's true... life is transient. it reminds me of the song "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns.

Last night i tossed and turned, thinking of job, house, frens, life, what to wear tomorrow... heh :P

My room is in quite a mess, lots of stuff dumped in one corner or another. Actually i dunno where to put them cos to me these are waiting to be moved to my new house. Not that i am packing already (too early!) but i seem to have been collecting alot of stuff in anticipation of moving! And not to mention, not enough wardrobe space now :P

Bernard and i bought stuff here and there. we said we'd buy one art piece and one magnet from every country we travel to. and since then, i have continued doing this. Except for my recent trip to KL. i don't really want to remember KL.

I wondered, when people leave us, and there is nothing tangible to hold on to anymore, do we try to find substitutes?

I had obsessively collected, organized and kept memorabilia: photos represent our memories.. smses and emails represent his words.. perfume bottles represent his scent.. clothes represent his style..

It's silly, but sometimes i'd look back thru my palm schedule or smses to check... hmm so what did we do, what did he say to me this day 1, 2 years ago?

I burnt all the emails he had sent me into a cd. but i never did load them into my laptop again. will the cd spoil? should i print them all out? will i ever load the cd and open and read all the emails again? what is the symbolism of keeping the cd then? does it make a difference?

心酸 xīn suān : definition : 内心悲痛

When i close my eyes i see him...

sometimes, i see someone whose gait resembles his, i smell the perfume he used when i first knew him (it's not a common scent, thank goodness!), and i feel such heartache.

one day, i was going down an escalator near my office, and saw a bunch of little children sitting around, probably on an excursion. one very cute little boy caught my eye. he was sitting there quietly, with those big, innocent and dreamy eyes. my heart skipped a beat (very painful i must say!) because he looked almost exactly like Bernard at that age.

the image of that little boy haunted me the whole day.

Baby Audrey's 2nd birthday

We celebrated baby Audrey's birthday today.
Actually, she's not a baby anymore, running around n exclaiming n basking in the limelight. how time flies.

Bernard loves her so much... he loves to play with her. it always gave me a warm feeling watching him sayang her :)



When i bought her birthday present, i thot, this is from your bernard shushu and grace yiyi... but of cos, you'd think i'm nuts. Right after the accident i must have also gone slightly mental from the trauma, i kept crying n wishing that bernard and i had a baby too so that i could still have a part of him by my side to hold...

Anyway, Audrey is a smart and cheeky little gal now. This is how she's grown over the past year:


June 2006


August 2006


October 2007
She happily went around distributing the cake to everybody, then proudly declared that the bigger portion of the cake is for herself :) Lots of new toys and clothes (including the one that's a wee bit too small... i'm so bad at estimation :P)

Aotearoa, The Land of the Long White Cloud

I was reading the news this morning about the eruption of Mount Ruapehu in New Zealand, and for a moment i forgot... i nearly forwarded the article to Bernard.


Mount Ruapehu

En route to Taupo, we drove thru the desert with spectacular views of the three volcanoes - Mount Tongariro, Mount Ngauruhoe and Mount Ruapehu. My fave is the beautiful cone-shaped Ngauruhoe, which was used as Mount Doom in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. Ruapehu was Mordor, i think.


Some of the smaller peaks of Ruapehu that were used as Mordor
It was a gorgeous drive (albeit slightly scary. we learnt to take speed limits seriously. 25kph MEANS 25kph!), winding through tight narrow roads before hitting a vast expanse of desert. At which point, we were joined by several military trucks marked with a huge "mortar" word behind each one. Bernard joked that we shud try to get further away from them cos it looks so dangerous. We overtook them, but time and again they reappeared... Being the playful n drama guy, bernard started weaving stories of how they are stalking us, and thou it may seem silly, he does make the long drives really entertaining. Anyway, we deduced that they were heading towards Waiouru, a military town.

After crossing the desert, we reached the south end of Lake Taupo, a breathtakingly scenic n peaceful lake that lies in a caldera created by a huge volcanic eruption eons ago. According to NZ tourism magazines, Lake Taupo is approximately the size of Singapore!

We dined alfresco by the lake as the sun set (when bernard abandoned me for a good part of an hour as he went to take photos of the sunset). He also spoke with an elderly couple who had moved to Taupo for their retirement. We decided that we'd also plan to retire in New Zealand. Although staying in a volcano crater sounds a little adventuresome to me... We even opened a NZD account.

I really really love New Zealand. There's so much natural beauty and wonder... so much i still want to see and do. But then, perhaps some part of this strong feeling is because of how bernard made me feel. Perhaps it is because i was there with him. Now, i'm not sure if i'll ever go back. because my memories of New Zealand and my whole experience is so inextricably linked to Bernard.

Btw, three things that we love n i can't find outside of NZ - Speight's ale, Allan Scott wine and hokey pokey ice cream - please tell me if you ever see them :)

Foodie

A couple of nights ago, i dreamt that i was having a meal with Bernard. can't remember much of the details now thou...

since i was going thru old posts and fixing photos that disappeared, thot i'll put these here..even thou it's super unglam la..grin.


A hearty brunch after skydiving in New Zealand.
We were still high from the adrenaline rush, and famished. Both of us love to eat. Like true blue Singaporeans, we wouldn't think twice about going any distance or waiting (like, standing in queue for 2hrs...) to have a good meal. And we always bought extra for each other whenever we tried something really good.

Before we started dating, when we just got to know each other, i'd sometimes come back to my work desk and find some food (and a little note with no name)... Thinking back i still remember that thrill i felt seeing something there for me from whom i hoped was Bernard. And (after waiting a long time) when an email arrives from him asking me how was the food, i'd get all excited but of cos seemed suitably surprised :P

Once it was apple strudel from Werner's Oven, then it was peng kueh from some famous stall. And during the company's Idol competition, i'd walk in on him busy munching away at the food stand. That really broke the ice!

I love to watch him eat. He eats with an intensity that really fascinates me. It's so nice to see people enjoying their food.

It's late now, i can't seem to string my thots together and write properly. So it's all a bit disjointed.

Looking thru our photos, i tried to imagine Bernard standing here beside me, tried to remember the feeling of holding his hand, how he smells like, how it feels to be safe and happy and having someone so dear to talk to about the most mundane details of my life. and it's very sad thinking that it's all so long ago...

I miss him so terribly.

C'est mon rêve :)

This is taken today:





It is nearer to the MRT than i thot! Took me less than 5 min to take a leisurely stroll from the MRT to my new home.. i was very pleased :D And it's all very convenient! There's a hawker centre at the MRT, a bakery, tiny gift shop, 7-11, sushi bar, Mr. Bean, and even the same laundromat as the one near my office that i use! I have all the essentials!

I feel so happy n excited every time i see the building progressing nicely. It's like every day brings me nearer to fulfilling my dream.

Now, there's completely no scaffolding, and all the perimeter walls are up! (No more sneaking into the construction site thou... hee) Even the shelter for the BBQ area is on its way up. I can't wait to move in already! It still feels so unreal...

Actually i wonder whether the workers there recognise this crazy gal who turns up every couple of months and loiters around... and this time armed with a proper camera instead of a phone :P

* * *
After that, i went to the Expo for the Home & Design 2007. wah super far man. the last time i went there was for the CFA exam.

Bernard and i had gone for a home expo in Dec 2005, right after we bought our home. nevermind that it was far from completion then, we were so so excited.

Anyway, i just wanted to get a sense of the pricing and perhaps what to expect. Wasn't expecting to find something i like cos i'll prefer to work with someone who is referred by a fren. but it's always good to do our homework, and talk to as many people as necessary to be smart consumers. Bernard has always been the street-smart one between the two of us, so now i've gotta learn to take care of everything!

I talked to 5 IDs in all, i think. that's a lot. wah it's tiring man. but it's interesting to see how different people approach it.

* * *
Since i was already on the other end of Singapore, i went to the airport, one of my fave places to go. Just to walk walk and have dinner. it was surprisingly liberating to have dinner on my own.

Random thots about moving on

This morning i read the Sunday Times with a tinge of heartache and sadness. There was an article about the two teenages who died in a car crash last weekend, followed by stories of how people generally come to terms with grief and loss.

I seem to have automatically done most of the things... the ways people cope. Website, scrapbook, a little corner of my room with our photos and memorabilia, things that allowed me to work thru my grief and put it in a tangible form.

After reading that article, i was lost in thought the whole morning. As time passes, my life slowly takes on a semblance of its former form. So, sometimes i try to remember the times immediately following the accident, not for the purpose of wallowing in sorrow, but to recall how it was like to have a heightened sense of awareness of... everything.

At that time, it seemed like everything around me was sharp to my senses. Although i seemed pretty dazed, I was very emotional and sensitive to people's expressions, body language, and also, for lack of a better word, i "wrestled" day and night with God and felt deeply His impact on my life. I thought a lot, often philosophically, and mellowed quite abit.

Now, i am learning to make decisions about my own life again, what i want to do, and so on. And in the process, i thought alot about the possibility of a new relationship as well. When i was seeing the counsellor, he said to me, the fact that i was ready to settle down and accept Bernard's proposal showed that in my life i do want to experience married life. Some people consciously decide that they don't fancy marriage, but i do want it, and he's right. Very much in fact.

Just last week, i was having lunch with two male colleagues, who are both in steady relationships and about to settle down. After chatting a little about each of their plans (house, wedding, the works), one of them turned to me and said, "How about you grace? We are always talking about us, and we never talk about you. Are you seeing anyone? Outside? Are you sure? Anyone at all?" (dun ask, i'm not sure what "outside" meant! heh), to which i responded with a laugh, "No i'm not seeing anyone, and it's ok i'm quite happy listening to your plans! We don't have to talk about me!" And then, the first time anybody has asked me this question: "By the way are you straight??"

I'm not offended at all, and have been relating this story to frens as a joke. But then i got to thinking... must we be dating to be socially accepted? Is it a compliment when people look at us incredulously and exclaim how unusual it is that a gal "like you" is not attached? Has something gotta be wrong with us if we are not dating or married?

All these random thoughts have been coming back to me with more frequency lately. And somehow, this morning in church when i closed my eyes in prayer (obviously my mind was preoccupied and not listening at all :P), i suddenly decided, that i am going to give up on love. Romantic love, that is. It is not the result of a cynical or hopeless outlook in life; i still believe in love. I'm a sucker for romantic shows. I am very happy for my frens who are happily in love. But that doesn't mean that i have to be in love to believe in it. I just don't want it anymore. Thru a rational decision process, i came to the conclusion that it is just not going to happen. Bernard was my greatest love, still is, and will always be.

I still hope, of course. I hope to stay on my own, i hope to see an aurora, i hope to learn to play drums... and most of all, i have my hope in Jesus Christ, a hope that is not a possibility but a reality.

And I prayed that God will focus my heart and my life on Him.

We didn't make it that far

i tend to get overly excited when people talk about their new homes, esp young couples. sometimes i'd catch myself just before blurting out (in front of people who don't/needn't know) my own experience with HDB balloting, or my anticipation for my own home.

i guess i'm just glad that 1) there is something for me to look forward to, else life will be such a routine. i operate on autopilot nowadays.. 2)there are very dear frens who look forward to it together with me and put up with all my relentless obsessing. otherwise, it would be quite a lonely sorta anticipation.

I read hanglu's blog about mornings at home with weisoon, with a bittersweet feeling. sweet because it's really so nice and i'm happy for my best fren.. bitter because i remember dreaming thru it with bernard.

(ok this gonna sound silly)
we had spent many wonderful hours savouring every bit of this dream... simply gazing at our floorplan and dreaming ourselves thru the "typical day in our home". tracing his finger around the floorplan, he'd narrate us thru the rooms from waking up in the morning and having breakfast, getting ready for work (walk-in wardrobe and all), to coming home at night and snuggling up in bed. i know it's so nice beause even thou we never made it that far, the foretaste of it was staying over at each other's place or on our holidays... waking up next to each other and debating what to have for breakfast (i'm a huge fan of breakfast).

many times, i'd just observe him, and think with wonder in my heart that we are gonna have each other for the rest of our lives... with a tiny speck of disbelief that life can be so beautiful.

only thing is that it really isn't.

What we remember after the squabbles

Though i think of our relationship as a "fairytale romance", we had our share of couple squabbles too. sometimes i think these squabbles are what makes the experience so real.

Every time i go for facial (like today), i'll get reminded of this...

Last April, i had a facial appointment after work, and Bernard said he'd send me there. i was running late for my appointment; the traffic was heavy; we were bickering about something in the car. Maneuvering the traffic added to our tension. when we finally got to an expressway, i realized (too late) that we had gone the wrong way... When i told Bernard, he was so angry n frustrated that it scared me abit. I called to change my appointment to another day and told him it's ok. Then, i realized that his anger wasn't directed at me. he wanted so badly to get me to where i wanted to go, that it frustrated him when he couldn't. it wasn't about the appointment or our miscommunication, but simply him wanting to give me everything i wanted. it's strange, but at that moment i felt really touched.

I thought of another time we quarrelled..
We had dinner at Maxwell market after work, and for some reason we were quarrelling, and ended the evening on a bad note. The next day, he had an interview in the afternoon. I texted him to wish him, and his immediate reply carried so much joy and relief that all previous unpleasantness melted away. he told me he could go for the interview with ease after seeing my message and knowing all is well between us.

Another time, in the midst of another squabble, i cancelled lunch with Bernard due to work (i was preparing for a big presentation that afternoon). i think he wanted to bring me for a nice lunch to help me relax before the presentation, so obviously cancelling on him didn't help the situation. even though he was unhappy with me, just before the presentation, he texted me to remind me to eat something, in case i feel weak or unwell during the presentation. even in the gruff tone i can feel his concern.

My point in all these recollections is, even though during a quarrel we all feel the need, no matter how unreasonable, to get our point across and demand that we are right, most of the time after the whole episode we can hardly remember what it was all about. From these memories, no matter how hard i try i can't remember the actual content of the squabbles and who "won". i can only remember very clearly the warm feeling of making up and all the happiness of knowing that one of us (either one) gave in because of love. even if one of us wins the argument, did our relationship win? no, in fact, it can be very damaging to have a clear winner each time (the only huge quarrel i can remember i "won" remains one of my regrets till now).

This is also why it is so important to have Christ at the centre of a relationship, to guide us in love, so that the focus is on Him and not on our own self-righteousness and pride.

Losing someone

Can you lose someone if you know where he is?

So, if i know n believe that bernard is in heaven, have i lost him?

it is an interesting question... more like a play on words. i haven't figured it out.

it's still very painful to think abt it. whether i try to recall happy times or terrifying moments it leaves me empty and sad. i've had dreams from which i wake up crying, the inevitable "why" still creeps into my mind every now and then... but i just don't talk about it anymore. because a combination of pride and peer pressure means that i have to be strong, deal with it, move on and be a better person for it.

as time passes, people will get tired of it... it's all just buried in my heart. not that i want to (in fact i don't), but i feel more and more distant from people. it's tiring especially to meet new people/old acquaintances and deal with all their questions.

If you have met "the one" and lost him/her, will you settle for someone else eventually? can you love again, and will that be considered second-best?

The difference between that, and someone who feels that he/she has not met "the one", is the finality of the first. I've asked many frens this, and thought a lot about it, but it is another question i have not found a satisfactory answer to.

Travel times

Yesterday i had to go to Tampines for a bridesmaid fitting session. So, being the obsessive planner i am, i timed the following legs of the MRT journey :P

: Bishan to Eunos - 33 min
: Orchard to Eunos - 21 min
: City Hall to Eunos - 11 min (pretty fast!)

And today, i went to Samuel's new place to see his ID works. He stays like 5 min drive from my place! Love his wife and daughter... she's so friendly n encouraging :) yay building up my network in my new place already!

I feel so happy everytime i see how well the building is progressing.

One more column!

I'm back from the States, and after plowing thru tonnes of mail, i discovered that our house is one column away from TOP!!! :D

By that, i mean the progressive payment schedule... they show the progress in columns and fill in the dates as they go along, and there's only one blank column before TOP! suddenly! That means the interior is all completed. plumbing and the works. left with the landscaping and pool and all those pretty stuff. wah....

so, i went to the site with mahesh last night. again... i noe. sounds a bit obsessive, but 1) it's always with different frens who want to see the place, 2) very excited mah... first time + very proud homeowner!

this time, we sneaked into the site! *horrors* i hesitated ("can meh??") but mahesh beckoned ("can la! come on!!")
thou we got chased out eventually, i'm glad we went in! it's really cool. climbed around the pool area, and got up close to the inside patio of my unit. words can't describe the surreal n serene feeling i had while standing in the middle of the site, looking up and around silently. thinking of bernard in my heart... here i am dear, finally :)

All the windows!!

No more half raw! see, it looks quite different from the last photo in the previous post... now ALL the windows on this side are fixed!!! ;D

Crystal wanted to see the house, so we drove there after work today, before meeting Father Simon for dinner. Very happie n excited that it is progressing so well! I really hope that i can do it...

Dream home updates

On my way to the airport today, i drove past our home to check out the progress.

28 Jan 07:
This was how it looked. 3rd going on 4th storey. not too bad, considering they started building maybe in the third quarter of last year.



12 May 07:
Went with kris to see; they've finished the concrete structure, all 5 storeys of it. kinda revised my estimation from end-07 to early-08.

Today, 24 Jun 07:
It looks like this!



Can it be??? wow!!! the windows are fixed!!!

i have a thing about windows. i judge the near-ness of a building's completion by the windows. when the condo opposite crystal's place had its windows fixed, i declared to her that finally, it's almost done. heh

when i saw this, the mixture of surprise and happiness almost made me tear... *blush* it's silly maybe... suddenly felt a little emotional and all. i've been looking forward so much to this, the project that keeps me going n gives me such hope and excitement... yet not without sleepness nights filled with worry and fear, times when i nearly wanted to give up everything.
the home that i dreamt of together with bernard, now i dream by myself all the time... can it be? almost within reach?

i parked the car, smiling to myself, my heart lifted... (then i realised my camera battery flat :P luckily got handphone). anyway, as i took the photos, n drove away, i thot in my heart... dear baby, it's almost completed. those times we said we'd take photos of every stage of the progress, the days we laughed in joy thinking of a lifetime of togetherness.

i'll carry on this dream. it will still be a happy home. one day, this home will always be open to family n frens. when a venue for parties, gatherings, bible studies is needed, it will be available. it makes me happy thinking that i'll be able to offer my home.


my unit is one of those in this picture :)
its abit funny how half looks almost done n the other half looks kinda... raw? hor?

Our video is up

i've finally posted the video that i made for the anniversary. had to resize it abit...

you can access it here

i would appreciate it if you'd let me know before embedding it or posting it anywhere, okie?

Bargain hunters

On the mrt to work (tryin to concentrate on my endowment management book) my mind strayed, as usual :P

Maybe abit excited abt stopping over in NY after my training in July and thinking of where to stay... suddenly remembered the hotel that bernard and i stayed in Auckland.

In NZ, we stayed at motels throughout becos it's cheaper and provides free parking (not to mention completes the whole road trip experience). Auckland was our last stop before heading home, and as a lovely surprise for me, bernard took advantage of corporate rates and made reservations at a really nice hotel.

Both of us are by nature not very extravagent in our expenditure, and bernard is a bargain hunter with a flair for negotiating (i really love that about him, that street-smartness). So, we couldn't help it...

- First, we asked if there's complimentary parking for hotel guests (No). So, where can we find the cheapest parking? (we eventually parked on the street, it's free at night, and we woke up early to move the car.)
- Then, itchy fingers me was playing around with the hotel safe and locked it before realizing that it's pay-per-use (pretty high-tech tracking system). So we went downstairs to ask them to unlock it n reverse the charges, cos we decided not to use it after all.
- While we were loitering around the lobby, we thought might as well ask (this one abit paiseh), do they provide complimentary bottled water? (No, but you can sit in the lobby where they serve iced water.) *grin* So where is the nearest hypermart? (A couple of kilometers away.) Can we walk there? (Yes)

Laughs~
btw we didn't sit in the lobby n drink free water okie... abit kua zhang!

So we strolled to the hypermart in the cool evening breeze, laughing at ourselves and enjoying each other's company. Really love supermarket shopping overseas. Bought water and groceries and cooked our own dinner (rather, bernard cooked for us) before dressing up and heading off to the Sky Casino. You can see our picture taken in the room in the side panel here.

Long after the trip, we continued to laugh at how we must have looked so cheapskate to the hotel staff!

簡單愛

I was going thru some photos, and saw this one taken during NDP 2005. It isn't much, but it struck me that i looked happy...

Of cos, i have laughed and felt happy over the past year. but the feeling that this picture captures...somehow i can't describe it... but i know i haven't felt this kind of simple happiness in a long time.

Showflat

Blogger's block

Don't really know what to write, so post some pictures of the showflat taken by Bernard n me:

Living Room



Dining



Master Bedroom



Kitchen



Bathrooms

What if it was me?

How would Bernard have handled things if it was me who died? i wonder about this all the time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bernard has had his share of trials in life, and his attitude n perserverence, despite all of it, always inspires me. Even after he's gone, he lives in my heart and continues to inspire me and carry me thru long days and dark nights.... times when i feel like giving up.

Looking forward - bernard

Something that had a strong impact on me, is the attitude that there is always something to look forward to.

During the week, he would text me everyday and wish me good morning...the weekend is near again, and this is what we'd be doing! he sounds so excited that i can't help but be lifted up as well. When i had a particularly difficult week, he counted down the hours for me towards our holiday.

Blessings - bernard

Bernard was always thankful for every small blessing. Every little thing in life, to him, can be God's little reminder that we are loved. even getting a parking lot in a crowded place. actually, he seems to be really blessed. or maybe, again, it's his wonderful attitude that just makes the world so beautiful.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(continued on 18 June 07)

Looking forward - grace

In the past, i used to be afraid to look forward to things or events, for fear of building up high expectations and getting disappointed. but now, looking forward is the only way to go on.

i'm thankful that there has been many things for me to focus on and look forward to in the past year - i looked forward very much to the US trip last year, and when i came back i looked forward to going HK. after that, i looked forward to a change of job environment. then to the end of CFA exam. and in the midst of year-end festivities there were little treats like hotel stays, spa, parties, dance workshop, movies, dinners...

The new year rolled around, and there was the taiwan trip to look forward to. work piled up quickly, i saw many frens thru their major milestones... and it was time for the greatly anticipated church camp, which was such a blessed and wonderful time. and before i know it, half the year has passed, and i am now looking forward to going to the US again. and in the midst of all these, i'm looking forward very much to the completion of my home, researching and budgetting and planning for it.

i no longer worry about being disappointed by high expectations, because i learnt that disappointment sets in when i focus on me. instead, when i focus on what i can give, i receive more joy and satisfaction.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So.... what if it was me? would he sit around and mope everyday? cry all the time? drink himself into oblivion? i think not...

I guess i wouldn't know. Great trials draw out the best and worst in all of us. at my worst, well, that's very painful to try to recall...well it's all recorded in my journal which i haven't dared to re-read. Most times i like to think of Bernard at his best instead.

From what i know of him, from his recount of the challenges in his life, i have a mental picture of his journey, if it was me. Closing my eyes, i see him going back to work after a while. He hurts, but he manages to joke as usual, to speak to his customers in that strong n assuring voice that i know so well n love dearly. He puts all his energy into work, strives to achieve the targets with fierce determination. He goes home tired, but doesn't want his family to worry about him. He spends time with his frens, but also takes long drives alone. He struggles, but he is resilient n independent. And i know for sure, he visits my family n continues to care for them.

Though i won't know if i'm right, you can say that this is all my own imagination, it's ok cos i don't want to find out...

In any case, that mental picture is what keeps me going.

Dear Lord...
why did You take bernard with You, but not me?
what were You thinking the day You left me behind...?

Of being drawn to death

One strange habit that came out of this whole ... thing ... is, i read the obituaries everytime i browse thru the ST! as well as reports of accidents. i read them all carefully, sometimes pausing, pondering, feeling...

it is as if reading them, i can somehow make some sense of what happens in this world to you and me. not just to other people. but to you and me.

normally, people browse thru the headlines. they might think, what a pity... or how sad...

now, i seem to live out in my heart n mind - lost for a moment - how the event must have unfolded. and how the survivors might be feeling then and after.

the depth of such relation comes only after one experiences death of a loved one.

the most recent was the death of this guy called Alex Lim last Sunday. this one, i felt very very deeply.
in short, what started out as a dispute over a minor car accident unfolded into a nightmare, where he struggled for his life for over a month.
a dashing young man at the prime of his life, a bright future ahead in the financial industry. his girlfriend was at the scene of the accident. she is only 24 yrs old. then i wondered... how is she taking it?

is it healthy to be so drawn to death?

The hardest thing

i looked into the mirror, and with a tinge of horror, observed that i had aged a lot over the past year.

well, not really horrified abt the aging bit (it happens...), but was suddenly struck by the painful thought that i will be growing old... without bernard.

as the days, months, years pass me by, i will only have a memory of this young man to hold dearly; i will never know how we will look like, how we might share hopes n look forward to realizing our dreams, experience trials n challenges, reminisce about the past, and how we will love each other growing old together.

One of the hardest things about losing someone is that eventually everything on the outside returns to normal, while on the inside you hardly feel the same again. A lot of people probably feel better, and think it's better for me, not to mention it. There are of cos, people who think that one gets over a death like getting over a breakup. But there are those people who acknowledge it with me, and that gives me the most comfort.

It is a lonely journey. I can't ever make sense of it. But even so, I will remember to give thanks to God for seeing me through every day, and for surrounding me with many people who care. And perhaps one day..., one day I will look back on this season of my life and give thanks to God for moulding me this way.

Till death do us apart

Because my grief seems quiet and apart,
Think not for such a reason it is less.
True sorrow makes a silence in the heart,
Joy has its friends, but grief its loneliness.
Robert Nathan

leia's journey : One year later, one year ago...

Hanglu's blog is restricted, so i'll post what she wrote about us here...

==========================================================

One year later, one year ago...

This is a little belated... in part because I don't really know what to say or how to say it...

Last Monday was 30 April.. one year ago on this date Bernard left for heaven. I wasn't in SG on Monday.. so arranged with Grace to go leave some flowers at his niche on Sat before I went to Vietnam.. It was not as emotional as the last time we went.. which was just some months after he left.. no uncontrollable sobbing, no hugs for support, no soaked through tissue papers.. but that same feeling that he's never left, that same heartache coz u can't reach out to a him in flesh and blood, that same denial that someone you knew, someone u know your best friend loves - cannot possibly be reduced to nothing but a small square box. those mixed, difficult to express feelings.. like i said about my grandma.. a year or any amount of time doesn't wipe away the memories of a lifetime or a loved one that lingers in your heart...

and one year later, i realised with some surprise and (almost) bemusement that I've probably cried more for Bernard making this early departure than I ever did for any guy who broke or hurt my heart... He made me realise how fragile life is, how easy it is to lose what's most precious to you, how we always takes things for granted without realizing it, how in life some things less tangible are so much more valuable...

And in this year, this journey I've walked alongside Grace.. In a way, I feel I'm exactly as I was before, yet again I feel what has happened has profoundly changed my life, the way I live my life and what matters to me.

[. . .]

And finally, a photo for the day... I never noticed the halos until I watched the video clip Grace made... and how appropriate - I know two that I feel are angels - and here they are:

It's not about winning, it's about finishing the race

Two years after Bernard and I ran the JPM challenge together, i finally decided to take part again. How things have changed... this year i am representing another company.

The whole time i was running, there was only one thought on my mind. Bernard was running right alongside me, and i wanted to finish the race well, like he did. And i never stopped.

My time was 35.55! hee

A precious gift

I received the most amazing gift today.

Mahesh borrowed a photo of Bernard from me middle of last year. He didn't say what it was for, only promising to return it to me sometime. I also didn't think much of it. Perhaps he was gonna blow it up and put it in a nice frame for me.

He finally returned it to me today... together with a stack of other photos.

Last year, Mahesh went to watch the World Cup semis in Germany. Sometime before that, i had told him that one of Bernard's dreams was to watch the World Cup live in the stadium.. and i had then decided that in 2010, i would surprise him with tickets for the World Cup.. wherever that will be. That was during one of my many musings, when i just rambled on and on to my frens...

Mahesh remembered. And he brought the photo of Bernard along with him to Germany. He took photos of Bernard's photo against the stadium entrance, the crowds, the fans, the teams, the banners, the tickets. And he gave those photos to me. "It was a boys night out... Bernard and I had a blast at the World Cup," he declared.

The most wonderful n precious gift that anyone could have given me... or could even have thought of... Words alone cannot describe what went thru my heart when i saw and heard all these.

It means so much to me.

(waiting for the soft copies... will post it here soon)

Thank you to those who remembered

• Thank you for your smses and prayers. Your thoughts, your words of encouragement, they really touch me... Eric, Gail, Meijun, Eileen

• Thank you for being my pillars of strength in my walk with God.. for praying n studying the bible with me, for helping me with the memoriam verses... Jo-lyn, Xiuling

• Thank you for going with me to the columbarium, for standing by me as i try to stand strong... Hanglu, Weisoon, Elaine (esp. Hanglu who makes sure i don't chicken out on life. heh)

• Thank you for being a dear fren, for checking in on me amidst ur busy schedule.. even thou suaning me rather mercilessly sometimes, u make me laugh n feel normal.. for acknowledging my pain n sitting in silence thru it with me... Mahesh

• Thank you for rallying around me, forcing me to run together every week whether i like it or not :P and simply, for normal, girly times even in days like these. n putting up with my nonsense. so glad to have u gals... Kristin, Keryn, Grace L, Crystal, Li Lian, Lydia

• Thank you for accompanying me through these couple of days, hanging out and occupying my time with relaxing n fun activities, guiding me and looking forward with me to fulfilling my dream house (n teaching me how to cook.. very impt)... Crystal

• Thank you for the card and book.. and yummy dinner last night. For being my mentor n fren.. And for all the times you listened and cared and shared, and for putting away everything to be where it mattered... Hui Joo

• Thank you for making time for dinner, for being a faithful and loving sister-in-Christ.. as i reflected upon the past year, thank you for giving me the biggest highlight - inviting me on the US trip with you... Priscilla

• Thank you for remembering... for the beautiful, beautiful flowers... for going out of your way to help, for praying with me, for being more than a boss... Amy

• Thank you for the card, with the sweetest little bear bear patches holding a "B" and "G".. for taking time to pore over our photos, for caring in your own way, for being, also, more than just a boss... Pearl

• Thank you for all the sessions.. listening, encouraging, practical advice and prayers... Tony Ting (btw i've graduated! last wednesday - the last session - marked the end of a year of counselling)

• Thank you for simply being there, quietly supporting me... my family, shu shu n shen shen n er-shen (for repairing the necklace that bernard gave me)

Seeing us thru my eyes

I spent sleepless nights making a video of us... a video that sees our lives thru my eyes.

I made it for Bernard, a gift that expresses how cherished n dear he is, and forever will be, to me...
I made it for me, to cast in stone the images, thoughts and feelings that are in my heart during this season of my journey...
And i made it for you, our frens... and i hope it touches you the way i have been touched by my angel.

In Loving Memory...

Since i can't publish the memoriam in the papers, thot i'll design one myself and publish right here instead!

With Hope

Steven Curtis Chapman
1 Thess. 4:13-14 / Heb. 6:9, 10:23

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Cry Out To Jesus

Words by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Sound of Colors

Love this song!

I thot the Korean version MV was sad enough... but this one is sadder!

Music is what feelings sound like

Why suddenly so many MVs?

haha actually one of the reasons is cos i couldn't embed them in the old template.

over time, i've stopped talking about myself and how i feel. sometimes i write here, cos people have a choice whether to read a blog or not. if you talk, they have no choice but to listen... heh. but looking back thru the posts, i'm also not very happy with how the blog has evolved. from a place recording bernard and my lives together, it became an account of my journey in a life without him.

maybe cos the 1 yr is coming soon, i've been terribly moody n withdrawn. and i've found that songs are the best expressions of feelings :) it relates without overwhelming the listener, and still retains beauty in the tune.

I Believe - Rio Diamond

The Dance - Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

Money matters (again)

btw, i got a reply regarding the late interest charges.

my lawyer called last friday, and told me that the developer is agreeable to waive half of the late interest charges owed. after the waiver it's still a whopping $1,000!!! i got a big shock man...

i know it shud be quite a sum but wasn't prepared for so much. when u are struggling to cope with suddenly financing a mortgage on ur own, u'll understand that $1k is a big sum...to me. because of this 1k, now i can't afford to put the in memoriam in the obits next monday. sigh

i guess at 10% interest, it's easy to snowball. but the thing i just can't accept is... that it's all so.. unjustified. it's wasted money. it's not money spent on constructive stuff, it's simply... wasted.

still, thank God as it could have been a lot worse... they have already waived the first 3 months interest (sep-dec06) and half of the next 3 months (dec06-mar07).

so scary. i've never owed so much money in my life. hundreds of thousands, all by myself. i never even revolve my credit cards. this is the first time i have to pay interest. yucks.

that's why i must eventually go back to work in a bank. earn back all the money they sucked away from me :P

If I Had Only Known

- Reba McIntyre

If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a lifeline to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only know
I'd never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you knew my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known

Homesick - Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

New look!

finally decided to revamp this blog. it's still work in progress...

actually i like the original template that was designed by my brother n sister better... just that Imageshack really sux leh... my pictures keep disappearing, even the background too! i had left it there for the longest time hoping it will recover somehow :P

anyway, instead of having to wait for my brother to "repair" for me every so often, i decided to take the easy way out and upgrade blogger to use the standard templates + drag-n-drop functions! :)

To: Mr. Lo W T Bernard &/or Ms. Chiong X Grace

The home loan is finally in place and disbursed... i just received notification that the first installment drawdown will taken place soon, exactly one year after bernard died...

and after all the hoo-ha, the bank didn't even bother to change the loan account title, and the letter was addressed jointly to bernard and me.. oh well.

i called the bank's hotline not too long ago, to re-activate some deposit account that is supposed to be used to service the loan. obviously the account has been inactive for the longest time...

so the officer did a phone verification. Since i was in a bank before, it was familiar to me. But he asked at least 7 questions (!!) instead of the usual 3 questions. At the last question, he asked, "and finally, is your account a single or joint name account, and can i have the account title pls?"

I was stumped. seriously... i dunno leh. did they change it? After much hesitation, i responded, "err... i think it's a joint name,.." and gave both our names. He sounded satisfied with my answer. sheesh. and you wonder how the bank's back-end processes work.

** Pls pray that the developers will be agreeable to waiving the scary amount of late payment interest that i seem to have chalked up... maybe that can buy me a few chairs for the house. heh

My song list

Gatherings with galfrens nowadays mostly involve helping to brainstorm for their wedding plans: ideal venue, perfect dress, theme, guests, songs, etc.

After such a dinner just now, i thot i'll have my own song list too. Not to be morbid here... but i want to list down the songs i want played/sung at my funeral. cos i'd already planned the other details and given them to hanglu for safekeeping. just in case. :P

These are some of my fave praise n worship songs: songs that i listened to in my darkest hours, that ministered to me, or simply that i like.

1) God Will Make A Way
2) We Are the Reason
3) This Kingdom
4) You Laid Aside Your Majesty
5) Shout to the Lord

And i hope these songs will touch people the same way they touched me.

My Cross

Attended a Catholic Mass with crystal and kris some weeks back during Lent, where they have something called Stations of the Cross:

"The object of the Stations is to help the faithful to make in spirit, as it were, a pilgrimage to the chief scenes of Christ's sufferings and death, and this has become one of the most popular of Catholic devotions. It is carried out by passing from Station to Station, with certain prayers at each and devout meditation on the various incidents in turn."

This is the thirteenth station:

Christ speaks:
The sacrifice is done. Yes, My Mass is complete; but not My Mother's and not yours, My other self. My Mother still must cradle in her arms the lifeless body of the Son she bore. You, too, must part from those you love, and grief will come to you. In your bereavement think of this: A multitude of souls were saved by Mary's sharing in My Calvary. Your grief can also be the price for souls.

Man's prayer:
My Lord Jesus, I beg You, help me accept the partings that must come - from friends who go away, my children leaving home, and most of all, my dear ones when You shall call them to Yourself. Then give me grace to say: "As it has pleased You, Lord, to take them home, I bow to Your most holy will. And if by just one word I might restore their lives against Your will, I would not speak."
Grant them eternal joy.

Home loan, legal matters n such

These are not pleasant things to deal with.

Not that the people (lawyers, bankers) are not pleasant, they all try to help as much as they can. But dying is a complicated process. The actual tasks of settling the estate, transferring titles, etc, weighs very heavily on the hearts of those who have to do it. There's no escaping, lawyer's letters will find their way home (factually n coldly written, no less... i don't suppose they mean to be so blatant, but a fact is a fact, they can't be writing stuff like, "oh you poor thing you"...) I have to take calls in the meeting room, toilet, or downstairs, and compose myself before returning to my desk.

I received a call today from the home loan officer, finally, telling me that the bank is prepared to let me continue with the original terms of the loan. The only change is the change of name to mine.

The background to this is that because i have to cancel our joint-name loan and reapply under my own name, they had wanted to impose the new, higher interest rates on me. They even informed me that they will kindly waive the cancellation charges for me. I was enraged. Being penalized due to procedural reasons is simply unacceptable. After all, is it my choice that i have to change the name on our loan?

And the worst thing is, because of how emotionally involved i am, it's not easy for me to face the problem and do something about it.

Anyway, as mentioned in a previous post, i finally made my stand clear. And they said ok. As Crystal said, most things can be done, it's only a matter of whether people want to do it for you. And of cos, i thank God for this.

Now, i just have to deal with the other problem. Apparently because of legal matters outstanding, the installment payments couldn't be made and i'm owing the developers several hundred bucks in late payment interest, at an exorbitant rate of 10%. (On top of singly saving up for furnishings and repaying his parents. Grace Charity Fund, anybody??)

Sigh. How more difficult can they make things??

Btw, i drove past the development today to see how it is progressing. It's built to the 5th (top) storey already :)

But in any case, i realized that there's nothing more beautiful than having frens who cheer you on and rally around you in both ups and downs. After receiving the call, i texted Hanglu and Crystal to tell them, and the happiness they expressed for me is just so uplifting.

(Picture taken in mid-Jan 07)

Touching lives

I randomly stumbled upon someone's blog that mentioned this blog. (was trying to see if this blog is search-able...) She found the link off someone else' tagboard. Actually i've no idea how anyone could have found this blog, other than people i told.

Anyway, she read some of it, and said that it touched her and nearly made her cry. Another said that it's very romantic.
When i saw these comments, my feelings were mixed.

I guess it's kinda nice knowing that our story is so touching that it moves people. On the other hand, for someone who loves sappy Korean romantic movies (like A Moment to Remember), i never would have imagined that my own love story will also have a tragic ending.

It's the typical "it only happens in the movies" mentality...

So in the meantime, i suppose it's nice to have touched others, no matter how briefly. More importantly, i hope that those dearest to me will recognize that my strength is drawn from God... and that it is a good testimony.

Chin up!

After moping for the longest time, i'm ready to take on the world!

My work attitude has been sliding into dangerous territory, and i'm sick of feeling victimized. So i decided to take charge of my life. *finally*

Apart from work, the other thing bugging me is our house. So, instead of complaining for half an hr to poor Hanglu about how sucky life is and how irritated i am with the darned bank, i drew upon my newfound if-you-can't-convince-them-confuse-them & talk-until-others-give-up skills that i learnt from being in consultancy, and made (hopefully enough) noise regarding the loan re-application. The bank's policy is ridiculous. Then again, banks are not charities, they mostly benefit at your expense. (No offence to bankers... i used to be one too, and a rather proud one. It is a glamorous job.)

Anyway. To you who reads my blog, I'm partially moving back to my old blog. Will keep this one clutter-free and relevant and nice. So all whinings go into my personal blog!

The procrastinator in me

So, I've finally gotten down to writing this. I've been thinking about it since last Monday, I think... and when Thursday came around, I chickened out and scribbled in my journal instead. I thought about it somemore over the weekend (which incidentally was packed to the brim), and now here I am.

Thinking about what? That last Thursday was Bernard's birthday. That I haven't been blogging for the longest time (then again, I wondered why I felt like I had to account for myself). I meant to post pictures of our celebration last year - I brought him on a cruise cos he said he's not been on one. We nua-ed the whole time. We watched sunrise on the balcony. It was beautiful... The cruise was a surprise. I gave him a packing list, and fretted for the longest time how to get him to HarbourFront without him guessing... Vivocity wasn't open yet, and HarbourFront is hardly the usual place to go for a meal after work right?

Escapist
I decided I'm a procrastinator, or an escapist, or both. I escape from things that I dread doing, and I avoid thinking about them (i seem to think they'll go away if i ignore them long enough). Lately, more and more, I've been avoiding thinking about all these. And on the few occasions that I had flashbacks, cold fear gripped my heart. The impossibility of it all still overwhelms me. I hate that feeling. And I forced myself again not to think about him. Therefore, I also have not updated or even visited this blog. I didn't dare to... i dunno why.

To restore some normalcy to my life, none of my colleagues at my new company knows about this (or so I hope), except one guy whom I already knew from school. One girl told me she found me on Friendster, and I freaked out (I know. She's being friendly, I'm being paranoid). So now, my profile is restricted to very few. As is my personal life. Learning to handle questions about my singleness (there must be a reason for it, it seems) is easier than having to handle looks of sympathy (or just pity?) and sadness.

But I still wear the ring he gave me. On my right hand now, so that people won't ask awkward questions.

Oh, wait. Let me digress for a while here.
When I fill up forms, sometimes i wonder, for the marital status field, is it necessary to include a box for "widowed"? most people probably go checking off "single" or "married" without giving it much thought. But for widows/widowers/divorcees/separated, do they fall into "single", or must their status be so special as to merit a different category for them? I mean, I suppose except certain government bodies that must know this; does it really make much of a difference to the marketing/research/analytical efforts? Will it be considered discrimination?
Do we all fall neatly into boxes? (sounds so Sex & the City tag-line!)

Well, just a thought. You'd be surprised how much detail some forms get into. They might as well have boxes for "still working things out", or "it's complicated".

So, how am I? some people have been asking. I'm ok, getting along. I've accepted that it's ok to say I'm ok. For quite a long time I resented the questions: "how are you?" or "are you ok", thinking bitterly, "how ok do you think I can be??", or "what do you expect??" But of cos, I was hysterical, so pls forgive me. Now, I live each day as it comes. I try to spend lots of time with friends and family and appreciate them and love them more. But I still haven't found the ambition I used to have nor any meaning in work. I feel more and more scared that I cannot finance our house or pay his parents back, and that will really leave me with absolutely nothing to look forward to or be happy about. At least for now.

2006: Year in Review
The other night, I was thinking about 2006. I thought, 2006 was an excruciatingly painful struggle, without exaggerating. It was a rollercoaster of emotions – from fear to despair, sadness to guilt, pain to hopelessness, in no particular order, and sometimes all at once. Even so, I knew I still had to figure out what becomes of my life, and plan something, do something about it. All these cumulated into a whole lot of stress n frequent nightmares. I must say the CFA exam in Dec played its part in both keeping my mind occupied and giving me tons of stress.

But also, I realized 2006 was full of love and care from friends and family and colleagues who gave me their support in many ways. It was full of beautiful friendships that developed and grew, wonderful memories of precious time spent with them. I learnt to rejoice in the successes and happiness in my friends' lives instead of dwelling on the emptiness of my own. 2006 challenged my relationship with God. In 2006, I had grown up more and quicker than ever before (then again, I used to be really willful and took my time growing up!) And somewhere, somehow, there is a heightened awareness about life... but this is a feeling I can't quite explain yet...

Anyway, I'll post the pictures another day, perhaps.

Vacuum

I was looking thru my posts, and saw one post that was a draft. The title was "Vacuum". When I opened it, it was empty. haha... how apt. i don't remember what i had meant to write, except that it was created on 12 Jan 07.

* * *

Oh i suddenly realized when i saw the time of the post. it's past midnight. So i had meant to write about the date 11 Jan. As mentioned in one of the earlier entries, Bernard had designated 0111 as our number, and 11 Jan as our special date...

Today is actually 5 Mar. But i'll leave the posting date as it was la