Gatherings with galfrens nowadays mostly involve helping to brainstorm for their wedding plans: ideal venue, perfect dress, theme, guests, songs, etc.
After such a dinner just now, i thot i'll have my own song list too. Not to be morbid here... but i want to list down the songs i want played/sung at my funeral. cos i'd already planned the other details and given them to hanglu for safekeeping. just in case. :P
These are some of my fave praise n worship songs: songs that i listened to in my darkest hours, that ministered to me, or simply that i like.
1) God Will Make A Way
2) We Are the Reason
3) This Kingdom
4) You Laid Aside Your Majesty
5) Shout to the Lord
And i hope these songs will touch people the same way they touched me.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
My Cross
Attended a Catholic Mass with crystal and kris some weeks back during Lent, where they have something called Stations of the Cross:
"The object of the Stations is to help the faithful to make in spirit, as it were, a pilgrimage to the chief scenes of Christ's sufferings and death, and this has become one of the most popular of Catholic devotions. It is carried out by passing from Station to Station, with certain prayers at each and devout meditation on the various incidents in turn."
This is the thirteenth station:
Christ speaks:
The sacrifice is done. Yes, My Mass is complete; but not My Mother's and not yours, My other self. My Mother still must cradle in her arms the lifeless body of the Son she bore. You, too, must part from those you love, and grief will come to you. In your bereavement think of this: A multitude of souls were saved by Mary's sharing in My Calvary. Your grief can also be the price for souls.
Man's prayer:
My Lord Jesus, I beg You, help me accept the partings that must come - from friends who go away, my children leaving home, and most of all, my dear ones when You shall call them to Yourself. Then give me grace to say: "As it has pleased You, Lord, to take them home, I bow to Your most holy will. And if by just one word I might restore their lives against Your will, I would not speak."
Grant them eternal joy.
"The object of the Stations is to help the faithful to make in spirit, as it were, a pilgrimage to the chief scenes of Christ's sufferings and death, and this has become one of the most popular of Catholic devotions. It is carried out by passing from Station to Station, with certain prayers at each and devout meditation on the various incidents in turn."
This is the thirteenth station:
Christ speaks:
The sacrifice is done. Yes, My Mass is complete; but not My Mother's and not yours, My other self. My Mother still must cradle in her arms the lifeless body of the Son she bore. You, too, must part from those you love, and grief will come to you. In your bereavement think of this: A multitude of souls were saved by Mary's sharing in My Calvary. Your grief can also be the price for souls.
Man's prayer:
My Lord Jesus, I beg You, help me accept the partings that must come - from friends who go away, my children leaving home, and most of all, my dear ones when You shall call them to Yourself. Then give me grace to say: "As it has pleased You, Lord, to take them home, I bow to Your most holy will. And if by just one word I might restore their lives against Your will, I would not speak."
Grant them eternal joy.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Home loan, legal matters n such
These are not pleasant things to deal with.
Not that the people (lawyers, bankers) are not pleasant, they all try to help as much as they can. But dying is a complicated process. The actual tasks of settling the estate, transferring titles, etc, weighs very heavily on the hearts of those who have to do it. There's no escaping, lawyer's letters will find their way home (factually n coldly written, no less... i don't suppose they mean to be so blatant, but a fact is a fact, they can't be writing stuff like, "oh you poor thing you"...) I have to take calls in the meeting room, toilet, or downstairs, and compose myself before returning to my desk.
I received a call today from the home loan officer, finally, telling me that the bank is prepared to let me continue with the original terms of the loan. The only change is the change of name to mine.
The background to this is that because i have to cancel our joint-name loan and reapply under my own name, they had wanted to impose the new, higher interest rates on me. They even informed me that they will kindly waive the cancellation charges for me. I was enraged. Being penalized due to procedural reasons is simply unacceptable. After all, is it my choice that i have to change the name on our loan?
And the worst thing is, because of how emotionally involved i am, it's not easy for me to face the problem and do something about it.
Anyway, as mentioned in a previous post, i finally made my stand clear. And they said ok. As Crystal said, most things can be done, it's only a matter of whether people want to do it for you. And of cos, i thank God for this.
Now, i just have to deal with the other problem. Apparently because of legal matters outstanding, the installment payments couldn't be made and i'm owing the developers several hundred bucks in late payment interest, at an exorbitant rate of 10%. (On top of singly saving up for furnishings and repaying his parents. Grace Charity Fund, anybody??)
Sigh. How more difficult can they make things??
Btw, i drove past the development today to see how it is progressing. It's built to the 5th (top) storey already :)
But in any case, i realized that there's nothing more beautiful than having frens who cheer you on and rally around you in both ups and downs. After receiving the call, i texted Hanglu and Crystal to tell them, and the happiness they expressed for me is just so uplifting.
(Picture taken in mid-Jan 07)
Not that the people (lawyers, bankers) are not pleasant, they all try to help as much as they can. But dying is a complicated process. The actual tasks of settling the estate, transferring titles, etc, weighs very heavily on the hearts of those who have to do it. There's no escaping, lawyer's letters will find their way home (factually n coldly written, no less... i don't suppose they mean to be so blatant, but a fact is a fact, they can't be writing stuff like, "oh you poor thing you"...) I have to take calls in the meeting room, toilet, or downstairs, and compose myself before returning to my desk.
I received a call today from the home loan officer, finally, telling me that the bank is prepared to let me continue with the original terms of the loan. The only change is the change of name to mine.
The background to this is that because i have to cancel our joint-name loan and reapply under my own name, they had wanted to impose the new, higher interest rates on me. They even informed me that they will kindly waive the cancellation charges for me. I was enraged. Being penalized due to procedural reasons is simply unacceptable. After all, is it my choice that i have to change the name on our loan?
And the worst thing is, because of how emotionally involved i am, it's not easy for me to face the problem and do something about it.
Anyway, as mentioned in a previous post, i finally made my stand clear. And they said ok. As Crystal said, most things can be done, it's only a matter of whether people want to do it for you. And of cos, i thank God for this.
Now, i just have to deal with the other problem. Apparently because of legal matters outstanding, the installment payments couldn't be made and i'm owing the developers several hundred bucks in late payment interest, at an exorbitant rate of 10%. (On top of singly saving up for furnishings and repaying his parents. Grace Charity Fund, anybody??)
Sigh. How more difficult can they make things??
Btw, i drove past the development today to see how it is progressing. It's built to the 5th (top) storey already :)
But in any case, i realized that there's nothing more beautiful than having frens who cheer you on and rally around you in both ups and downs. After receiving the call, i texted Hanglu and Crystal to tell them, and the happiness they expressed for me is just so uplifting.
Touching lives
I randomly stumbled upon someone's blog that mentioned this blog. (was trying to see if this blog is search-able...) She found the link off someone else' tagboard. Actually i've no idea how anyone could have found this blog, other than people i told.
Anyway, she read some of it, and said that it touched her and nearly made her cry. Another said that it's very romantic.
When i saw these comments, my feelings were mixed.
I guess it's kinda nice knowing that our story is so touching that it moves people. On the other hand, for someone who loves sappy Korean romantic movies (like A Moment to Remember), i never would have imagined that my own love story will also have a tragic ending.
It's the typical "it only happens in the movies" mentality...
So in the meantime, i suppose it's nice to have touched others, no matter how briefly. More importantly, i hope that those dearest to me will recognize that my strength is drawn from God... and that it is a good testimony.
Anyway, she read some of it, and said that it touched her and nearly made her cry. Another said that it's very romantic.
When i saw these comments, my feelings were mixed.
I guess it's kinda nice knowing that our story is so touching that it moves people. On the other hand, for someone who loves sappy Korean romantic movies (like A Moment to Remember), i never would have imagined that my own love story will also have a tragic ending.
It's the typical "it only happens in the movies" mentality...
So in the meantime, i suppose it's nice to have touched others, no matter how briefly. More importantly, i hope that those dearest to me will recognize that my strength is drawn from God... and that it is a good testimony.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Chin up!
After moping for the longest time, i'm ready to take on the world!
My work attitude has been sliding into dangerous territory, and i'm sick of feeling victimized. So i decided to take charge of my life. *finally*
Apart from work, the other thing bugging me is our house. So, instead of complaining for half an hr to poor Hanglu about how sucky life is and how irritated i am with the darned bank, i drew upon my newfound if-you-can't-convince-them-confuse-them & talk-until-others-give-up skills that i learnt from being in consultancy, and made (hopefully enough) noise regarding the loan re-application. The bank's policy is ridiculous. Then again, banks are not charities, they mostly benefit at your expense. (No offence to bankers... i used to be one too, and a rather proud one. It is a glamorous job.)
Anyway. To you who reads my blog, I'm partially moving back to my old blog. Will keep this one clutter-free and relevant and nice. So all whinings go into my personal blog!
My work attitude has been sliding into dangerous territory, and i'm sick of feeling victimized. So i decided to take charge of my life. *finally*
Apart from work, the other thing bugging me is our house. So, instead of complaining for half an hr to poor Hanglu about how sucky life is and how irritated i am with the darned bank, i drew upon my newfound if-you-can't-convince-them-confuse-them & talk-until-others-give-up skills that i learnt from being in consultancy, and made (hopefully enough) noise regarding the loan re-application. The bank's policy is ridiculous. Then again, banks are not charities, they mostly benefit at your expense. (No offence to bankers... i used to be one too, and a rather proud one. It is a glamorous job.)
Anyway. To you who reads my blog, I'm partially moving back to my old blog. Will keep this one clutter-free and relevant and nice. So all whinings go into my personal blog!
Monday, March 05, 2007
The procrastinator in me
So, I've finally gotten down to writing this. I've been thinking about it since last Monday, I think... and when Thursday came around, I chickened out and scribbled in my journal instead. I thought about it somemore over the weekend (which incidentally was packed to the brim), and now here I am.
Thinking about what? That last Thursday was Bernard's birthday. That I haven't been blogging for the longest time (then again, I wondered why I felt like I had to account for myself). I meant to post pictures of our celebration last year - I brought him on a cruise cos he said he's not been on one. We nua-ed the whole time. We watched sunrise on the balcony. It was beautiful... The cruise was a surprise. I gave him a packing list, and fretted for the longest time how to get him to HarbourFront without him guessing... Vivocity wasn't open yet, and HarbourFront is hardly the usual place to go for a meal after work right?
Escapist
I decided I'm a procrastinator, or an escapist, or both. I escape from things that I dread doing, and I avoid thinking about them (i seem to think they'll go away if i ignore them long enough). Lately, more and more, I've been avoiding thinking about all these. And on the few occasions that I had flashbacks, cold fear gripped my heart. The impossibility of it all still overwhelms me. I hate that feeling. And I forced myself again not to think about him. Therefore, I also have not updated or even visited this blog. I didn't dare to... i dunno why.
To restore some normalcy to my life, none of my colleagues at my new company knows about this (or so I hope), except one guy whom I already knew from school. One girl told me she found me on Friendster, and I freaked out (I know. She's being friendly, I'm being paranoid). So now, my profile is restricted to very few. As is my personal life. Learning to handle questions about my singleness (there must be a reason for it, it seems) is easier than having to handle looks of sympathy (or just pity?) and sadness.
But I still wear the ring he gave me. On my right hand now, so that people won't ask awkward questions.
Oh, wait. Let me digress for a while here.
When I fill up forms, sometimes i wonder, for the marital status field, is it necessary to include a box for "widowed"? most people probably go checking off "single" or "married" without giving it much thought. But for widows/widowers/divorcees/separated, do they fall into "single", or must their status be so special as to merit a different category for them? I mean, I suppose except certain government bodies that must know this; does it really make much of a difference to the marketing/research/analytical efforts? Will it be considered discrimination?
Do we all fall neatly into boxes? (sounds so Sex & the City tag-line!)
Well, just a thought. You'd be surprised how much detail some forms get into. They might as well have boxes for "still working things out", or "it's complicated".
So, how am I? some people have been asking. I'm ok, getting along. I've accepted that it's ok to say I'm ok. For quite a long time I resented the questions: "how are you?" or "are you ok", thinking bitterly, "how ok do you think I can be??", or "what do you expect??" But of cos, I was hysterical, so pls forgive me. Now, I live each day as it comes. I try to spend lots of time with friends and family and appreciate them and love them more. But I still haven't found the ambition I used to have nor any meaning in work. I feel more and more scared that I cannot finance our house or pay his parents back, and that will really leave me with absolutely nothing to look forward to or be happy about. At least for now.
2006: Year in Review
The other night, I was thinking about 2006. I thought, 2006 was an excruciatingly painful struggle, without exaggerating. It was a rollercoaster of emotions – from fear to despair, sadness to guilt, pain to hopelessness, in no particular order, and sometimes all at once. Even so, I knew I still had to figure out what becomes of my life, and plan something, do something about it. All these cumulated into a whole lot of stress n frequent nightmares. I must say the CFA exam in Dec played its part in both keeping my mind occupied and giving me tons of stress.
But also, I realized 2006 was full of love and care from friends and family and colleagues who gave me their support in many ways. It was full of beautiful friendships that developed and grew, wonderful memories of precious time spent with them. I learnt to rejoice in the successes and happiness in my friends' lives instead of dwelling on the emptiness of my own. 2006 challenged my relationship with God. In 2006, I had grown up more and quicker than ever before (then again, I used to be really willful and took my time growing up!) And somewhere, somehow, there is a heightened awareness about life... but this is a feeling I can't quite explain yet...
Anyway, I'll post the pictures another day, perhaps.
Thinking about what? That last Thursday was Bernard's birthday. That I haven't been blogging for the longest time (then again, I wondered why I felt like I had to account for myself). I meant to post pictures of our celebration last year - I brought him on a cruise cos he said he's not been on one. We nua-ed the whole time. We watched sunrise on the balcony. It was beautiful... The cruise was a surprise. I gave him a packing list, and fretted for the longest time how to get him to HarbourFront without him guessing... Vivocity wasn't open yet, and HarbourFront is hardly the usual place to go for a meal after work right?
Escapist
I decided I'm a procrastinator, or an escapist, or both. I escape from things that I dread doing, and I avoid thinking about them (i seem to think they'll go away if i ignore them long enough). Lately, more and more, I've been avoiding thinking about all these. And on the few occasions that I had flashbacks, cold fear gripped my heart. The impossibility of it all still overwhelms me. I hate that feeling. And I forced myself again not to think about him. Therefore, I also have not updated or even visited this blog. I didn't dare to... i dunno why.
To restore some normalcy to my life, none of my colleagues at my new company knows about this (or so I hope), except one guy whom I already knew from school. One girl told me she found me on Friendster, and I freaked out (I know. She's being friendly, I'm being paranoid). So now, my profile is restricted to very few. As is my personal life. Learning to handle questions about my singleness (there must be a reason for it, it seems) is easier than having to handle looks of sympathy (or just pity?) and sadness.
But I still wear the ring he gave me. On my right hand now, so that people won't ask awkward questions.
Oh, wait. Let me digress for a while here.
When I fill up forms, sometimes i wonder, for the marital status field, is it necessary to include a box for "widowed"? most people probably go checking off "single" or "married" without giving it much thought. But for widows/widowers/divorcees/separated, do they fall into "single", or must their status be so special as to merit a different category for them? I mean, I suppose except certain government bodies that must know this; does it really make much of a difference to the marketing/research/analytical efforts? Will it be considered discrimination?
Do we all fall neatly into boxes? (sounds so Sex & the City tag-line!)
Well, just a thought. You'd be surprised how much detail some forms get into. They might as well have boxes for "still working things out", or "it's complicated".
So, how am I? some people have been asking. I'm ok, getting along. I've accepted that it's ok to say I'm ok. For quite a long time I resented the questions: "how are you?" or "are you ok", thinking bitterly, "how ok do you think I can be??", or "what do you expect??" But of cos, I was hysterical, so pls forgive me. Now, I live each day as it comes. I try to spend lots of time with friends and family and appreciate them and love them more. But I still haven't found the ambition I used to have nor any meaning in work. I feel more and more scared that I cannot finance our house or pay his parents back, and that will really leave me with absolutely nothing to look forward to or be happy about. At least for now.
2006: Year in Review
The other night, I was thinking about 2006. I thought, 2006 was an excruciatingly painful struggle, without exaggerating. It was a rollercoaster of emotions – from fear to despair, sadness to guilt, pain to hopelessness, in no particular order, and sometimes all at once. Even so, I knew I still had to figure out what becomes of my life, and plan something, do something about it. All these cumulated into a whole lot of stress n frequent nightmares. I must say the CFA exam in Dec played its part in both keeping my mind occupied and giving me tons of stress.
But also, I realized 2006 was full of love and care from friends and family and colleagues who gave me their support in many ways. It was full of beautiful friendships that developed and grew, wonderful memories of precious time spent with them. I learnt to rejoice in the successes and happiness in my friends' lives instead of dwelling on the emptiness of my own. 2006 challenged my relationship with God. In 2006, I had grown up more and quicker than ever before (then again, I used to be really willful and took my time growing up!) And somewhere, somehow, there is a heightened awareness about life... but this is a feeling I can't quite explain yet...
Anyway, I'll post the pictures another day, perhaps.
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