All I want for Christmas...

Birthday presents

On saturday, i went for a massage using the voucher that bernard bought for me so many months ago for my birthday.

As i lay there, i couldn't relax and my mind was flooded with images and memories of him.

On one of his business trips to Bangkok, he went for a massage at Harnn & Thann, the luxury toiletries brand from thailand that we'd decided to use for our home in future. It was a good massage, he said, and he'd planned to bring me there.

When he came back from that trip, he bought us a lovely massage oil, and massaged me with the strokes he'd memorized. It was the best massage i ever had in my life. He told me that he'd massage me every night of our lives together, cos my back hurts a lot from a bad scoliosis condition.

And this image always comes to me... that the last night we had together, after he proposed to me, i massaged him to sleep, with the oil and the strokes he'd used on me... I'll always remember the feeling i had when i did things for him, that feeling of giving love is so magical and uplifting. I don't think i ever felt so much about giving love before i met him.

Birthday wishes

Since young, i had been "religious" about birthday wishes (it's silly i noe). I made sure i had a birthday cake every year, so that i can make a wish. (Once, i went out with my parents at past 11pm to 7-11 to buy a Sara Lee cake and ice cream cos my date didn't get a cake for me!)

And i'd never tell anyone any of my wishes. I thot if i told anyone, the wish won't come true. (Which logically follows that if i don't tell, it should come true...)

This year, i was thinking what i should wish for.

It suddenly occurred to me, that if we wish for something, we must have incorporated a degree of realism into it. In order to have some possibility that it will come true (and hence not be diappointed), we must have known that we have a certain amount of control over it.

Because, the only thing that came immediately to me that i want to wish for, is to have bernard back. Or maybe see him for just one more day... or something to that extent... But i won't be wishing for that, because the logical side of my mind tells me that it is impossible... at least for now...

So, i wished for the next dearest thing to my heart... i wish to be able to see our home through to completion, furnish it beautifully, and move into it in a year or so. I wish to live there for a while, to be truly independent. I wish for support. I wish people will stop discouraging me.

So much for birthday wishes. It is simply a resolution of sorts to make something happen, or a hope that something will happen. But a hope not out of this world, for disappointment may soon follow. Again.

Birthday celebrations

I'm sorry for being so down recently. It's quite difficult to always be in control and be happy. I cried a lot in these few days of Christmas festivities. I miss bernard so much.

But still, i'll continue to put in the effort, cos everybody has shown me so much love.

I had dinner with bernard's family on sat. My frens also kept me busy over the weekend. Hanglu went to church with me. Elaine arranged for a cosy lunch with Sherl, Fenn n Shuz. And on the night of my birthday, we had a big Christmas party at Crystal's place, with the gals and her bunch of frens. The gals surprised me with a santa rina costume, birthday cake and lots of presents. There was also surprise "guest appearances" - Pris, Eric, Lyon - who came by for a while. So happy to see all of them.

As they left, one of the gals said, "You will always have us to celebrate this day with you, remember that.." I was so touched. Thank you my dears.. for loving me.

When you receive love, you learn to give love.

This season

It's been a long time since i wrote in this blog.

For the past couple of months, i've been focusing all my time and energy into my new job, and the CFA exam.

Now, the exam is over, and i'm quite settled in my job... and the dreaded season of birthday/Christmas/New Year is coming.

The counsellor said, that festive occasions are the most trying times for a person going through bereavement. And as he said that, all the pent-up sadness, frustration, loneliness and stress that i've been controlling for the past few months just overwhelmed me, and i broke down and cried bitterly. It hasn't been easy. When i tried to study, images of the accident would flash into my mind. The familiar crushing sense of fear and loss would come back. And i'd make myself picture bernard right there beside me, encouraging me to continue on.



As I did my Christmas shopping, everywhere in town is so beautifully decked out in gold and glitter... everybody is in high spirits... "Love is in the air", the banners proclaim. This time of the year is the most fun we all have. It's holiday time, we get to dress up, work less, and spend more time with our loved ones. I go out for movies, dinners and parties, celebrate weddings and birthdays, laugh and joke with frens. But no matter how i surround myself with people, only God knows what this lonely journey is like for me.

While trying to decide on a date for dinner with a bunch of galfrens, one fren winked at me and said, "well, i suppose 24th is out since it's ur birthday and you must have special plans already!" Truth is, i didn't have any plans. In fact, i was painfully reminded that bernard is no longer here with me this Christmas.

I just watched The Holiday, and honestly, i can't feel a thing. I'm a romantic. Shows like Love Actually used to make me cry. But i'm just not sure why i don't get it anymore. The only shows that i cry to nowadays are those where someone is lost.

Ironically, this season of pain is also the season we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour. I can only hold on to the hope that Heaven is decked out more majestically than we can ever imagine, and everyday is full of love, joy and peace. And my bernard is just right there, singing songs of praise and worship everyday.