Bernard's father

Three weeks ago, on 1 Aug 2018, Bernard's father passed away.

I am grateful that his brothers informed me, even though we don't keep in touch.

You know how in cartoons, when the characters accidentally run off a cliff, there's a moment of stillness as he looks at the screen without apprehension, before falling? (sorry for the frivolous analogy!)
Yes - the moment of stillness as my mind tried to make sense of what my heart was starting to feel.

And I was overcome with emotions. Sadness, for sure. He was such a kind and gentle man. Even if he did feel any anger or resentment towards me, he never expressed any such feelings, so i never knew, never had to deal with that.

And guilt. All the feelings of guilt that has been packed away. The guilt towards their family. That their son/brother was gone because of me. Every festive period, I think of them having a family gathering, and missing Bernard. When we parted ways, there was one grandchild. Now there's four, three of whom never knew their uncle Bernard. Guilt over not keeping in touch, yet it's probably better that I am not in their lives (perhaps an excuse?), wondering if Bernard would have wanted me to keep in touch. Shame over my lack of courage to address all these.

Twelve

Dear Bernard,

Here’s to twelve years of missing you. 

Love,

me