i tend to get overly excited when people talk about their new homes, esp young couples. sometimes i'd catch myself just before blurting out (in front of people who don't/needn't know) my own experience with HDB balloting, or my anticipation for my own home.
i guess i'm just glad that 1) there is something for me to look forward to, else life will be such a routine. i operate on autopilot nowadays.. 2)there are very dear frens who look forward to it together with me and put up with all my relentless obsessing. otherwise, it would be quite a lonely sorta anticipation.
I read hanglu's blog about mornings at home with weisoon, with a bittersweet feeling. sweet because it's really so nice and i'm happy for my best fren.. bitter because i remember dreaming thru it with bernard.
(ok this gonna sound silly)
we had spent many wonderful hours savouring every bit of this dream... simply gazing at our floorplan and dreaming ourselves thru the "typical day in our home". tracing his finger around the floorplan, he'd narrate us thru the rooms from waking up in the morning and having breakfast, getting ready for work (walk-in wardrobe and all), to coming home at night and snuggling up in bed. i know it's so nice beause even thou we never made it that far, the foretaste of it was staying over at each other's place or on our holidays... waking up next to each other and debating what to have for breakfast (i'm a huge fan of breakfast).
many times, i'd just observe him, and think with wonder in my heart that we are gonna have each other for the rest of our lives... with a tiny speck of disbelief that life can be so beautiful.
only thing is that it really isn't.
Monday, August 27, 2007
What we remember after the squabbles
Though i think of our relationship as a "fairytale romance", we had our share of couple squabbles too. sometimes i think these squabbles are what makes the experience so real.
Every time i go for facial (like today), i'll get reminded of this...
Last April, i had a facial appointment after work, and Bernard said he'd send me there. i was running late for my appointment; the traffic was heavy; we were bickering about something in the car. Maneuvering the traffic added to our tension. when we finally got to an expressway, i realized (too late) that we had gone the wrong way... When i told Bernard, he was so angry n frustrated that it scared me abit. I called to change my appointment to another day and told him it's ok. Then, i realized that his anger wasn't directed at me. he wanted so badly to get me to where i wanted to go, that it frustrated him when he couldn't. it wasn't about the appointment or our miscommunication, but simply him wanting to give me everything i wanted. it's strange, but at that moment i felt really touched.
I thought of another time we quarrelled..
We had dinner at Maxwell market after work, and for some reason we were quarrelling, and ended the evening on a bad note. The next day, he had an interview in the afternoon. I texted him to wish him, and his immediate reply carried so much joy and relief that all previous unpleasantness melted away. he told me he could go for the interview with ease after seeing my message and knowing all is well between us.
Another time, in the midst of another squabble, i cancelled lunch with Bernard due to work (i was preparing for a big presentation that afternoon). i think he wanted to bring me for a nice lunch to help me relax before the presentation, so obviously cancelling on him didn't help the situation. even though he was unhappy with me, just before the presentation, he texted me to remind me to eat something, in case i feel weak or unwell during the presentation. even in the gruff tone i can feel his concern.
My point in all these recollections is, even though during a quarrel we all feel the need, no matter how unreasonable, to get our point across and demand that we are right, most of the time after the whole episode we can hardly remember what it was all about. From these memories, no matter how hard i try i can't remember the actual content of the squabbles and who "won". i can only remember very clearly the warm feeling of making up and all the happiness of knowing that one of us (either one) gave in because of love. even if one of us wins the argument, did our relationship win? no, in fact, it can be very damaging to have a clear winner each time (the only huge quarrel i can remember i "won" remains one of my regrets till now).
This is also why it is so important to have Christ at the centre of a relationship, to guide us in love, so that the focus is on Him and not on our own self-righteousness and pride.
Every time i go for facial (like today), i'll get reminded of this...
Last April, i had a facial appointment after work, and Bernard said he'd send me there. i was running late for my appointment; the traffic was heavy; we were bickering about something in the car. Maneuvering the traffic added to our tension. when we finally got to an expressway, i realized (too late) that we had gone the wrong way... When i told Bernard, he was so angry n frustrated that it scared me abit. I called to change my appointment to another day and told him it's ok. Then, i realized that his anger wasn't directed at me. he wanted so badly to get me to where i wanted to go, that it frustrated him when he couldn't. it wasn't about the appointment or our miscommunication, but simply him wanting to give me everything i wanted. it's strange, but at that moment i felt really touched.
I thought of another time we quarrelled..
We had dinner at Maxwell market after work, and for some reason we were quarrelling, and ended the evening on a bad note. The next day, he had an interview in the afternoon. I texted him to wish him, and his immediate reply carried so much joy and relief that all previous unpleasantness melted away. he told me he could go for the interview with ease after seeing my message and knowing all is well between us.
Another time, in the midst of another squabble, i cancelled lunch with Bernard due to work (i was preparing for a big presentation that afternoon). i think he wanted to bring me for a nice lunch to help me relax before the presentation, so obviously cancelling on him didn't help the situation. even though he was unhappy with me, just before the presentation, he texted me to remind me to eat something, in case i feel weak or unwell during the presentation. even in the gruff tone i can feel his concern.
My point in all these recollections is, even though during a quarrel we all feel the need, no matter how unreasonable, to get our point across and demand that we are right, most of the time after the whole episode we can hardly remember what it was all about. From these memories, no matter how hard i try i can't remember the actual content of the squabbles and who "won". i can only remember very clearly the warm feeling of making up and all the happiness of knowing that one of us (either one) gave in because of love. even if one of us wins the argument, did our relationship win? no, in fact, it can be very damaging to have a clear winner each time (the only huge quarrel i can remember i "won" remains one of my regrets till now).
This is also why it is so important to have Christ at the centre of a relationship, to guide us in love, so that the focus is on Him and not on our own self-righteousness and pride.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Losing someone
Can you lose someone if you know where he is?
So, if i know n believe that bernard is in heaven, have i lost him?
it is an interesting question... more like a play on words. i haven't figured it out.
it's still very painful to think abt it. whether i try to recall happy times or terrifying moments it leaves me empty and sad. i've had dreams from which i wake up crying, the inevitable "why" still creeps into my mind every now and then... but i just don't talk about it anymore. because a combination of pride and peer pressure means that i have to be strong, deal with it, move on and be a better person for it.
as time passes, people will get tired of it... it's all just buried in my heart. not that i want to (in fact i don't), but i feel more and more distant from people. it's tiring especially to meet new people/old acquaintances and deal with all their questions.
If you have met "the one" and lost him/her, will you settle for someone else eventually? can you love again, and will that be considered second-best?
The difference between that, and someone who feels that he/she has not met "the one", is the finality of the first. I've asked many frens this, and thought a lot about it, but it is another question i have not found a satisfactory answer to.
So, if i know n believe that bernard is in heaven, have i lost him?
it is an interesting question... more like a play on words. i haven't figured it out.
it's still very painful to think abt it. whether i try to recall happy times or terrifying moments it leaves me empty and sad. i've had dreams from which i wake up crying, the inevitable "why" still creeps into my mind every now and then... but i just don't talk about it anymore. because a combination of pride and peer pressure means that i have to be strong, deal with it, move on and be a better person for it.
as time passes, people will get tired of it... it's all just buried in my heart. not that i want to (in fact i don't), but i feel more and more distant from people. it's tiring especially to meet new people/old acquaintances and deal with all their questions.
If you have met "the one" and lost him/her, will you settle for someone else eventually? can you love again, and will that be considered second-best?
The difference between that, and someone who feels that he/she has not met "the one", is the finality of the first. I've asked many frens this, and thought a lot about it, but it is another question i have not found a satisfactory answer to.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Travel times
Yesterday i had to go to Tampines for a bridesmaid fitting session. So, being the obsessive planner i am, i timed the following legs of the MRT journey :P
: Bishan to Eunos - 33 min
: Orchard to Eunos - 21 min
: City Hall to Eunos - 11 min (pretty fast!)
And today, i went to Samuel's new place to see his ID works. He stays like 5 min drive from my place! Love his wife and daughter... she's so friendly n encouraging :) yay building up my network in my new place already!
I feel so happy everytime i see how well the building is progressing.
: Bishan to Eunos - 33 min
: Orchard to Eunos - 21 min
: City Hall to Eunos - 11 min (pretty fast!)
And today, i went to Samuel's new place to see his ID works. He stays like 5 min drive from my place! Love his wife and daughter... she's so friendly n encouraging :) yay building up my network in my new place already!
I feel so happy everytime i see how well the building is progressing.
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