Random thots about moving on

This morning i read the Sunday Times with a tinge of heartache and sadness. There was an article about the two teenages who died in a car crash last weekend, followed by stories of how people generally come to terms with grief and loss.

I seem to have automatically done most of the things... the ways people cope. Website, scrapbook, a little corner of my room with our photos and memorabilia, things that allowed me to work thru my grief and put it in a tangible form.

After reading that article, i was lost in thought the whole morning. As time passes, my life slowly takes on a semblance of its former form. So, sometimes i try to remember the times immediately following the accident, not for the purpose of wallowing in sorrow, but to recall how it was like to have a heightened sense of awareness of... everything.

At that time, it seemed like everything around me was sharp to my senses. Although i seemed pretty dazed, I was very emotional and sensitive to people's expressions, body language, and also, for lack of a better word, i "wrestled" day and night with God and felt deeply His impact on my life. I thought a lot, often philosophically, and mellowed quite abit.

Now, i am learning to make decisions about my own life again, what i want to do, and so on. And in the process, i thought alot about the possibility of a new relationship as well. When i was seeing the counsellor, he said to me, the fact that i was ready to settle down and accept Bernard's proposal showed that in my life i do want to experience married life. Some people consciously decide that they don't fancy marriage, but i do want it, and he's right. Very much in fact.

Just last week, i was having lunch with two male colleagues, who are both in steady relationships and about to settle down. After chatting a little about each of their plans (house, wedding, the works), one of them turned to me and said, "How about you grace? We are always talking about us, and we never talk about you. Are you seeing anyone? Outside? Are you sure? Anyone at all?" (dun ask, i'm not sure what "outside" meant! heh), to which i responded with a laugh, "No i'm not seeing anyone, and it's ok i'm quite happy listening to your plans! We don't have to talk about me!" And then, the first time anybody has asked me this question: "By the way are you straight??"

I'm not offended at all, and have been relating this story to frens as a joke. But then i got to thinking... must we be dating to be socially accepted? Is it a compliment when people look at us incredulously and exclaim how unusual it is that a gal "like you" is not attached? Has something gotta be wrong with us if we are not dating or married?

All these random thoughts have been coming back to me with more frequency lately. And somehow, this morning in church when i closed my eyes in prayer (obviously my mind was preoccupied and not listening at all :P), i suddenly decided, that i am going to give up on love. Romantic love, that is. It is not the result of a cynical or hopeless outlook in life; i still believe in love. I'm a sucker for romantic shows. I am very happy for my frens who are happily in love. But that doesn't mean that i have to be in love to believe in it. I just don't want it anymore. Thru a rational decision process, i came to the conclusion that it is just not going to happen. Bernard was my greatest love, still is, and will always be.

I still hope, of course. I hope to stay on my own, i hope to see an aurora, i hope to learn to play drums... and most of all, i have my hope in Jesus Christ, a hope that is not a possibility but a reality.

And I prayed that God will focus my heart and my life on Him.