Dreaming of you...

These are a few dreams that i remember quite clearly...

Last night in HK

On my last night in HK, i dreamt of Bernard.

I dreamt that he came back for a while... i hugged him and told him many things, which i can't remember now. In the middle of the dream, i woke up cos i needed to use the toilet. When i woke up, i knew that my time with him was up, and my last thot was wondering whether i told him that i miss him terribly...

I tried to re-dream the dream, if u know what i mean... but i couldn't...

I have a problem with remembering my dreams. But this time, even thou waking up meant my dream was interrupted, it also meant that i can remember it more clearly.

Back from the States

The first night i was back from America, i dreamt of him. I dreamt that he was sitting in the living room, and i was invisible to him. I found it highly amusing to jump around the room and disturb him, poking him and stuff. He got irritated and tried to throw things in my direction. Then i hopped over to him and kissed him, and we both laughed... what a strange dream.

I woke up and cried my heart out.

Soon after it happened

One of my more painful dreams, but also the most vivid.

I dreamt that i was with a fren, and we were shopping around for interior designers for my home. This designer came up with two designs, and he built the 3D models in two boxes. I peered into the first box; it looked ugly, full of splotches of clashing colours. Disappointed, i asked my fren how the second one was. She told me it was quite nice, and passed the box to me.

I looked inside, and at first glance, thot it looked rather nice and zen. But upon closer scrutiny, i realized that it was the crematorium hall... and i was looking up the wood-panelled walls at the high ceiling... i cried to her, no no it cannot be, how can this be nice??

Back again...

I'm back from a short holiday in Hong Kong. In total, i've travelled for 22 days, and have taken a full month of unpaid leave for that (plus some extra days to recover from jet-lag!)

The places i went to, incidentally, are places that Bernard and i have planned for this year and next year. This year, he intended to use the travel vouchers he earned to bring us to HK. The idea was to take several short trips this year instead of a long one so that we can save up for our home. Next year, our plan for block leave was to travel the east coast of the US...

Frens tell me i'm lucky to be on leave, to travel so far and wide... but what is lucky? Will i still be considered lucky, if i told them i'd rather give up everything i have to have Bernard back? I'd rather not be so "lucky" to go on long holidays, if all these have not happened.

However, i know this is an unfair retort, cos there's nothing they can say to that. I know they mean well, and no one wants this to happen. Given that it can't be undone, i do realize that i have been blessed in many other ways. Not everyone, when faced with a painful setback in life, can afford the time and resources to leave everything behind like this.

Count your blessings... a cliche, an often-used phrase, but true.

I've been blessed with Pris who brought me away on such a long holiday, yet not needing to pay for accommodation at all.
I've been blessed with Crystal, who went with me to HK (this short holiday helped me out of a bad "withdrawal" after the US trip). She's like a big sister to me, counselling me, helping me to get my life in order again, letting me stay over with her...
I've been blessed with a supportive family, who are there when i cry and silently stood by me when i just don't want to talk.
I've been blessed with enough resources to go away and spend as i wish.
I've been blessed with a company that granted me such a long leave, colleagues who rally around me, and even people i don't know who pray for me.

I've been blessed with the experience of true love. So short, but so very sweet...

Taking a break

I'm back from a long holiday in the US. Went with Pris to visit her sisters. It was a good break - interesting places to see, new environment, fun and happy times with great company. I thank God for granting us this timely vacation, to be away to just relax and recover from those exhausting few months. Also very grateful to Pris and her family for warmly welcoming me, and showing me so much care. It was something I looked forward to, and it kept me going day after day.


But as with all good times, this too had to end.

Bernard used to assure me that I need not worry when our holidays or weekends came to an end, for there will still be so much so much more to look forward to... many more exciting weekends, adventurous holidays, as we build our treasure trove of memories. The day after we came back from New Zealand, we lay in bed, side by side, and laughed the whole day. I dunno what was so funny... everytime we stopped laughing and glanced at each other, we'd burst into laughter again. I guess we were just... happy. There's no explanation needed for being happy.

As the plane took off, the lights of New York faded through the raindrop-stained windows. Tears rolled down my face as the heaviness of reality weighed upon me again. And this song played over my headset...

Tears In Heaven
Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I miss him so much... there's so much I want to tell him, so much I want to share with him.

When I stood on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building, I wished I could share the view with him. I wondered, is there a view from heaven?
As I waited in queue to buy stamps for postcards, I thought, how nice it'd be if I can send a postcard to heaven...

All these will have to wait, until I meet him in heaven again...

Will you marry me?

He had already bought the ring many months ago. He spent many late nights planning for this surprise. It was the most beautiful proposal...

Under a blanket of stars, with a table laid out for just the two of us, complete with our fave wine from NZ. A huge bouquet of roses and chocolates, a collection of my fave photos of him, a lovely solitaire that sparkles like his eyes...
With that, he asked me to let him take care of me all his life...

* * *

Bernard knew that i love the idea of water cottages. I showed him a picture of my dream destination - a resort in Maldives.

At Adex, i actually pointed out a picture of the resort in Sipadan that he had already booked for us, and marvelled at how beautiful it looked. He just smiled and didn't say anything, and steered me away. I don't really remember that moment, he only told me about it later when we were at the resort. He said, i looked a little disappointed at his disinterest, and it was so hard for him to contain his excitement about the surprise.

The resort was like paradise. Everything was perfect. The water cottage was breezy and very private, with a bath tub that overlooks the clear water. The wide, wooden window panels in the bedroom opens out to a tranquil view of the sparkling turquoise sea. He sat on the porch, as i leaned over the railing and gleefully sang (off-key) "Amazing Grace".



At that time, i'd never have imagined that the next time i sang Amazing Grace, wld be as the cortege moves off...

My prayer for you...

We used to always pray for each other...

Now, as i close my eyes in prayer every night, i pray for God to give me strength and fill my heart with His love. Then i wonder how to pray for bernard. What do i pray for, where do i even start?

The guy that i mentioned earlier, who also lost his loved ones... When he was sharing with me, i asked him how he prays for his wife and child. He told me, he gives thanks that they are well with God now...

But i thot to myself... selfishly, all i ever want is for bernard to stay by my side. No matter how wonderful heaven is (i can't imagine), the reality is, i'm still here. All i wish for is that he is here to walk with me thru all the days of our lives... so how do i even begin to pray?

Tong Hua - our song

Why is Tong Hua our song?

I can't really pinpoint it to a single moment when we decided on that.
Maybe it started with him taking part in the Celeb Look-Alike contest (Guang Liang), or maybe we both just like the song alot.
Or it might be because one day, when i was holding him, i whispered to him, "baby you're my angel".

And that became a part of our love story, cos we both kinda like the idea. He likes it cos i always tell him that he's like my angel, always protecting me and loving me. And to me, he's just perfect. His weaknesses are all part of him, the bernard that i love. I told him, without those little "weaknesses", he just won't be him... so, i love him just the way he is. And he loves me the same too... even for my stubbornness, wilfulness, strong opinions n fiery temper.

Redang
The most significant incident about this song Tong Hua was during our trip to Redang last year. One morning we woke up, and i was feeling a little grouchy. I can't remember wat i said, or maybe it was because i didn't say a thing, that upset him. And we both became upset with each other. (Things always sound so trivial when you think back...)

As he lay in bed and i busied myself with washing up etc, we refused to talk to each other. In the end, i sat beside him and tried to nudge him but he ignored me. Suddenly, a strong n well-loved tune broke the silence, it was Tong Hua. We looked at each other in surprise and smiled (i mean, we were in a little island in Malaysia! how random...), and all the unpleasantness of the past few minutes melted away. To us, it was like a little sign, reminding us to put aside our pride, and remember wat is really important.




The Summer Mo Mo Cha house; Our feet in the clear water
Oh yes, almost forgot to explain how come Tong Hua was playing. There was two gals staying in the chalet next to us, and the wooden walls were not exactly sound-proof... so, they just decided at that point to blast the song on their CD/MP3 player or smtg :)

In life, we should...

Swim in the seas...


A beautiful holiday in the island paradise of Redang, where we held each other in chest-deep water, and calling the little fishes as his witnesses, he proudly proclaimed his love for me... (drama, i noe!!)

Fly in the sky...


Our proudest and most exhilarating moment, as we leapt off the little plane 12,000 ft over the magnificent Lake Taupo, NZ. (To be honest, for me it wasn't "leapt off", it was "shoved off".)

Actually, i was a little nervous, and was the last to get on the plane (after bernard). I didn't realize then, that it meant i was going to be the first off the plane! But being the first is better, you don't watch other people falling off the plane and get more nervous.
Bernard said to me after the dive, "When i saw u fall off the plane [reaching his hands out to indicate despair], my heart really sank! and i was like... baby!!??"

Flying high above the clouds, the view was breathtaking. At the horizon where the sea meets the sky, we could see the curve of the globe. When we landed, shaking from excitement and adrenaline, we hugged and jumped for joy as we did it!! Words really can't express the "high" of this experience...

And climb the highest mountains...


Well i suppose Mt Ophir isn't THE highest mountain, but high enough to be challenging for sedentary city dwellers like us :)
----------------------------

When Hanglu told me this quote (i think it's her own quote!), i thot... this describes our lives together pretty well.

Truly, life is not about owning the biggest mansion, driving the flashiest car, or climbing to the top of the corporate ladder. Each day to us was a collection of precious memories and experiences, that drew us closer as we learnt more about each other and ourselves.

Adding on to her quote, i would say, in life, one should always give and receive love.