hello...
erms i'm not too sure to whom i'm addressing :)
just want to thank all the people who have left such encouraging comments in my blog. i read all of them carefully... n really appreciate ur kind thots n prayers. it's touching to receive such concern in this strange, anonymous cyberspace. heh.
as Don Moen sings (and this is my handphone welcome msg),
"With love and strength for each new day..." Somehow, God will make a way...
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
784 days... the lessons we learn
i felt a strong compulsion to go to the columbarium today. mabbe its the terribly exhausting week... or the never-ending weddings to help out at... the fear that frens will start to drop out of my life as they get married n move on... or mabbe the strange dreams that keep me tossing n turning at nite... or all the guys that are never gonna be all dat bernard was to me... that left me with a deep sense of loneliness, emptiness.
my sis offered to go with me. when dad saw that we were going out together, he beamed n asked wat we were up to. and i hesitated... n told him. he went, a heavy "oh." i really dowan him to worry abt me n think dat i'm stuck in a sad rut... And to my sis, at first i felt dat being a big sister, i shud be all composed n strong. but in the end, we just stood side by side, tears streaming down my face as i wondered aloud again, about life, guilt, regret, longing, and all the what-ifs.
its been more than 2 yrs. during the months dat i woke up every morning, wondering if it was a bad dream, crying as the pain of reality sinks in sharply yet again, i thot i will never survive this. it is only by God's strength n comfort dat i am able to go on, day after day. that i am able to laugh again.
and so i said. thru all these, i have learnt alot, grown alot. i'm sure she has too.
but sometimes, secretly i think... do we find lessons to learn in difficult times as some sort of consolation? as if to justify that our suffering has a purpose? can i just go on with life without learning all these lessons? some people seem to have it easy, breezing thru all of life's milestones without a glitch. so what if they dun ponder deep thots abt the meaning of life and of taking things for granted? why can't life be very simple? does reflection make us a better person? with better quality of life? better for who?
well... its just one of those days.
we drove off to have casuarina prata (i think i haven't had prata in years), and i cheered up immensely after :o)
my sis offered to go with me. when dad saw that we were going out together, he beamed n asked wat we were up to. and i hesitated... n told him. he went, a heavy "oh." i really dowan him to worry abt me n think dat i'm stuck in a sad rut... And to my sis, at first i felt dat being a big sister, i shud be all composed n strong. but in the end, we just stood side by side, tears streaming down my face as i wondered aloud again, about life, guilt, regret, longing, and all the what-ifs.
its been more than 2 yrs. during the months dat i woke up every morning, wondering if it was a bad dream, crying as the pain of reality sinks in sharply yet again, i thot i will never survive this. it is only by God's strength n comfort dat i am able to go on, day after day. that i am able to laugh again.
and so i said. thru all these, i have learnt alot, grown alot. i'm sure she has too.
but sometimes, secretly i think... do we find lessons to learn in difficult times as some sort of consolation? as if to justify that our suffering has a purpose? can i just go on with life without learning all these lessons? some people seem to have it easy, breezing thru all of life's milestones without a glitch. so what if they dun ponder deep thots abt the meaning of life and of taking things for granted? why can't life be very simple? does reflection make us a better person? with better quality of life? better for who?
well... its just one of those days.
we drove off to have casuarina prata (i think i haven't had prata in years), and i cheered up immensely after :o)
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