4 years on

When I think of Bernard, sometimes I wonder, if i dun write it down somewhere, or tell it to someone, does it make everything less real?

And so, sometimes i tell my closest frens. Sometimes I write it in my blog or personal journal. Most times I just bury it in my heart. Actually at all times I shd just tell it to God. I think i get slightly confused trying to reconcile treasuring the memories of Bernard and telling myself it's okie to let go...between the times when I laugh so happily with someone else and times when I feel guilty coz it seemed like I was seeking refuge in those beautiful perfect memories.. and then on top of it all, assuring people around me that yes I'm well and am moving along..

I think I have enough room in my heart to love someone new, wholeheartedly, yet continue to love bernard in another way. I'm not sure how to explain that.

My heart still skips a beat when I smell a familiar perfume, when I glimpse someone who bears a resemblance to him, when i hear a particular song, when pictures of places we've been to catches my eye.
I'm still terrified of water. I still can't bear to watch scenes of struggling/drowning on tv. And it still hurts sometimes. remembering the immediate aftermath.

God has used time and frens to dull the pain, and helped me grow a whole lot thru these years. He has also drawn me closer to Him.

4 years on, so much has changed. I feel so much older too.
But the fact that he is still so much a part of me and my memories will not change...he is no less real than before.

I guess stepping into another season of life doesn't discount the importance and beauty of seasons past.