I admit a certain sadistic part of me tries to dwell abit... like, being sad for the sake of being sad -> oh wow... it's 3 years. how significant huh?? kinda thing.
then again, i guess it's okie... I remember meeting Janice soon after the accident. and that was 5 years after she lost her boyfriend to an accident. she tells me... yeah even till then, every February she still jolts awake from nightmares. cos February was his birthday and death anniversary and also Valentine's Day.
I didn't think much of what to do tomorrow (actually today now). things just happened. The girls were talking about celebrating our 5th year anniversary of friendship sometime in May. but for one reason or another, it was changed to 30 Apr. and i thot... how ironic, that we should be celebrating our friendship anniversary on this very day that i lost Bernard. but, thinking abit more, it's quite a good thing after all! to have my dearest galfrens around me, that means so much to me... they are the very ones who literally dragged me out of my depression. cos they decided that it's time to stop sitting around looking so tragic :P so, yes, in a way, it is a celebration in many ways.
And thanks to this party, i haven't had much time to be sad... heh. After work, i tried to shop for a meaningful gift for all the girls to commemorate this occasion though to no avail... then i had to go for my drums class. and since today Robinsons was having a private cardmember's sale till 10.30pm, i rushed over after drums to stock up on some stuffs. and by the time i got home, packed for tomorrow and settled down to write this, oh look it's so late already! no time to pine! tomorrow i'm staying over at Crystal's place after the party (a precautionary measure in case i drink too much n get all melodramatic.. ahh i plan so well...) so need to pack quite abit. and since it's a big night tomorrow, i mustn't cry tonight! or else my already-small eyes will just disappear! so, see, very sensible and logical and all.
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As i went through all our photos just now for this post, i realized how i have forgotten the feeling of being in love. (okie, we were quite egoistic and thot we looked so wonderfully gorgeous..hence the many self-portraits..) Photos after photos of us snuggling comfortably together, the radiance in our smiles that only the glow of love brings out... even without makeup and fancy clothes (most of them were taken in such slipshod getup!), i think i looked better then, compared to the polished photos of now.
The feeling of being in love... it struck me quite hard. As i have spent the past many months trying to convince myself that i can and might settle... that to be loved is much better than to love. But i couldn't. and these photos just reminded me that to love with all our hearts, to want to give so much of ourselves, to dearly wish the best for our better half... that is the best feeling in the world.
Through this whole experience, i have learnt much about and become closer to God and also my DG. now, i don't fear death like i used to (i always averted my gaze whenever i passed by a wake/cortege/casket house. i understand why as Christians we look forward to eternity (i used to wonder why i would want to live forever)... and it doesn't matter that in heaven, there is no husband-wife-parent-child kinda relationships - we are all brothers and sisters - i really look forward to seeing bernard again, seeing that beautiful smile. In the meantime, i am just praying and working hard at finding ways to share the gospel with my family so that we can all be together in eternity.
i do still slip... please pray for me to not give myself up to bitterness and indulgence. (and remember that drinking so much will pile on the kilos!!)
Crystal smsed me her prayer for me, which is very encouraging:
"Prayed tat God will draw u close to Him, guide u in all areas of ur life, live each day to the fullest & meaningfully and find joy in bringing His love to each person u meet everyday as best as u can. :-)"
