Dear Lord...
why did You take bernard with You, but not me?
what were You thinking the day You left me behind...?

Of being drawn to death

One strange habit that came out of this whole ... thing ... is, i read the obituaries everytime i browse thru the ST! as well as reports of accidents. i read them all carefully, sometimes pausing, pondering, feeling...

it is as if reading them, i can somehow make some sense of what happens in this world to you and me. not just to other people. but to you and me.

normally, people browse thru the headlines. they might think, what a pity... or how sad...

now, i seem to live out in my heart n mind - lost for a moment - how the event must have unfolded. and how the survivors might be feeling then and after.

the depth of such relation comes only after one experiences death of a loved one.

the most recent was the death of this guy called Alex Lim last Sunday. this one, i felt very very deeply.
in short, what started out as a dispute over a minor car accident unfolded into a nightmare, where he struggled for his life for over a month.
a dashing young man at the prime of his life, a bright future ahead in the financial industry. his girlfriend was at the scene of the accident. she is only 24 yrs old. then i wondered... how is she taking it?

is it healthy to be so drawn to death?

The hardest thing

i looked into the mirror, and with a tinge of horror, observed that i had aged a lot over the past year.

well, not really horrified abt the aging bit (it happens...), but was suddenly struck by the painful thought that i will be growing old... without bernard.

as the days, months, years pass me by, i will only have a memory of this young man to hold dearly; i will never know how we will look like, how we might share hopes n look forward to realizing our dreams, experience trials n challenges, reminisce about the past, and how we will love each other growing old together.

One of the hardest things about losing someone is that eventually everything on the outside returns to normal, while on the inside you hardly feel the same again. A lot of people probably feel better, and think it's better for me, not to mention it. There are of cos, people who think that one gets over a death like getting over a breakup. But there are those people who acknowledge it with me, and that gives me the most comfort.

It is a lonely journey. I can't ever make sense of it. But even so, I will remember to give thanks to God for seeing me through every day, and for surrounding me with many people who care. And perhaps one day..., one day I will look back on this season of my life and give thanks to God for moulding me this way.

Till death do us apart

Because my grief seems quiet and apart,
Think not for such a reason it is less.
True sorrow makes a silence in the heart,
Joy has its friends, but grief its loneliness.
Robert Nathan

leia's journey : One year later, one year ago...

Hanglu's blog is restricted, so i'll post what she wrote about us here...

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One year later, one year ago...

This is a little belated... in part because I don't really know what to say or how to say it...

Last Monday was 30 April.. one year ago on this date Bernard left for heaven. I wasn't in SG on Monday.. so arranged with Grace to go leave some flowers at his niche on Sat before I went to Vietnam.. It was not as emotional as the last time we went.. which was just some months after he left.. no uncontrollable sobbing, no hugs for support, no soaked through tissue papers.. but that same feeling that he's never left, that same heartache coz u can't reach out to a him in flesh and blood, that same denial that someone you knew, someone u know your best friend loves - cannot possibly be reduced to nothing but a small square box. those mixed, difficult to express feelings.. like i said about my grandma.. a year or any amount of time doesn't wipe away the memories of a lifetime or a loved one that lingers in your heart...

and one year later, i realised with some surprise and (almost) bemusement that I've probably cried more for Bernard making this early departure than I ever did for any guy who broke or hurt my heart... He made me realise how fragile life is, how easy it is to lose what's most precious to you, how we always takes things for granted without realizing it, how in life some things less tangible are so much more valuable...

And in this year, this journey I've walked alongside Grace.. In a way, I feel I'm exactly as I was before, yet again I feel what has happened has profoundly changed my life, the way I live my life and what matters to me.

[. . .]

And finally, a photo for the day... I never noticed the halos until I watched the video clip Grace made... and how appropriate - I know two that I feel are angels - and here they are:

It's not about winning, it's about finishing the race

Two years after Bernard and I ran the JPM challenge together, i finally decided to take part again. How things have changed... this year i am representing another company.

The whole time i was running, there was only one thought on my mind. Bernard was running right alongside me, and i wanted to finish the race well, like he did. And i never stopped.

My time was 35.55! hee

A precious gift

I received the most amazing gift today.

Mahesh borrowed a photo of Bernard from me middle of last year. He didn't say what it was for, only promising to return it to me sometime. I also didn't think much of it. Perhaps he was gonna blow it up and put it in a nice frame for me.

He finally returned it to me today... together with a stack of other photos.

Last year, Mahesh went to watch the World Cup semis in Germany. Sometime before that, i had told him that one of Bernard's dreams was to watch the World Cup live in the stadium.. and i had then decided that in 2010, i would surprise him with tickets for the World Cup.. wherever that will be. That was during one of my many musings, when i just rambled on and on to my frens...

Mahesh remembered. And he brought the photo of Bernard along with him to Germany. He took photos of Bernard's photo against the stadium entrance, the crowds, the fans, the teams, the banners, the tickets. And he gave those photos to me. "It was a boys night out... Bernard and I had a blast at the World Cup," he declared.

The most wonderful n precious gift that anyone could have given me... or could even have thought of... Words alone cannot describe what went thru my heart when i saw and heard all these.

It means so much to me.

(waiting for the soft copies... will post it here soon)

Thank you to those who remembered

• Thank you for your smses and prayers. Your thoughts, your words of encouragement, they really touch me... Eric, Gail, Meijun, Eileen

• Thank you for being my pillars of strength in my walk with God.. for praying n studying the bible with me, for helping me with the memoriam verses... Jo-lyn, Xiuling

• Thank you for going with me to the columbarium, for standing by me as i try to stand strong... Hanglu, Weisoon, Elaine (esp. Hanglu who makes sure i don't chicken out on life. heh)

• Thank you for being a dear fren, for checking in on me amidst ur busy schedule.. even thou suaning me rather mercilessly sometimes, u make me laugh n feel normal.. for acknowledging my pain n sitting in silence thru it with me... Mahesh

• Thank you for rallying around me, forcing me to run together every week whether i like it or not :P and simply, for normal, girly times even in days like these. n putting up with my nonsense. so glad to have u gals... Kristin, Keryn, Grace L, Crystal, Li Lian, Lydia

• Thank you for accompanying me through these couple of days, hanging out and occupying my time with relaxing n fun activities, guiding me and looking forward with me to fulfilling my dream house (n teaching me how to cook.. very impt)... Crystal

• Thank you for the card and book.. and yummy dinner last night. For being my mentor n fren.. And for all the times you listened and cared and shared, and for putting away everything to be where it mattered... Hui Joo

• Thank you for making time for dinner, for being a faithful and loving sister-in-Christ.. as i reflected upon the past year, thank you for giving me the biggest highlight - inviting me on the US trip with you... Priscilla

• Thank you for remembering... for the beautiful, beautiful flowers... for going out of your way to help, for praying with me, for being more than a boss... Amy

• Thank you for the card, with the sweetest little bear bear patches holding a "B" and "G".. for taking time to pore over our photos, for caring in your own way, for being, also, more than just a boss... Pearl

• Thank you for all the sessions.. listening, encouraging, practical advice and prayers... Tony Ting (btw i've graduated! last wednesday - the last session - marked the end of a year of counselling)

• Thank you for simply being there, quietly supporting me... my family, shu shu n shen shen n er-shen (for repairing the necklace that bernard gave me)

Seeing us thru my eyes

I spent sleepless nights making a video of us... a video that sees our lives thru my eyes.

I made it for Bernard, a gift that expresses how cherished n dear he is, and forever will be, to me...
I made it for me, to cast in stone the images, thoughts and feelings that are in my heart during this season of my journey...
And i made it for you, our frens... and i hope it touches you the way i have been touched by my angel.