Aotearoa, The Land of the Long White Cloud

I was reading the news this morning about the eruption of Mount Ruapehu in New Zealand, and for a moment i forgot... i nearly forwarded the article to Bernard.


Mount Ruapehu

En route to Taupo, we drove thru the desert with spectacular views of the three volcanoes - Mount Tongariro, Mount Ngauruhoe and Mount Ruapehu. My fave is the beautiful cone-shaped Ngauruhoe, which was used as Mount Doom in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. Ruapehu was Mordor, i think.


Some of the smaller peaks of Ruapehu that were used as Mordor
It was a gorgeous drive (albeit slightly scary. we learnt to take speed limits seriously. 25kph MEANS 25kph!), winding through tight narrow roads before hitting a vast expanse of desert. At which point, we were joined by several military trucks marked with a huge "mortar" word behind each one. Bernard joked that we shud try to get further away from them cos it looks so dangerous. We overtook them, but time and again they reappeared... Being the playful n drama guy, bernard started weaving stories of how they are stalking us, and thou it may seem silly, he does make the long drives really entertaining. Anyway, we deduced that they were heading towards Waiouru, a military town.

After crossing the desert, we reached the south end of Lake Taupo, a breathtakingly scenic n peaceful lake that lies in a caldera created by a huge volcanic eruption eons ago. According to NZ tourism magazines, Lake Taupo is approximately the size of Singapore!

We dined alfresco by the lake as the sun set (when bernard abandoned me for a good part of an hour as he went to take photos of the sunset). He also spoke with an elderly couple who had moved to Taupo for their retirement. We decided that we'd also plan to retire in New Zealand. Although staying in a volcano crater sounds a little adventuresome to me... We even opened a NZD account.

I really really love New Zealand. There's so much natural beauty and wonder... so much i still want to see and do. But then, perhaps some part of this strong feeling is because of how bernard made me feel. Perhaps it is because i was there with him. Now, i'm not sure if i'll ever go back. because my memories of New Zealand and my whole experience is so inextricably linked to Bernard.

Btw, three things that we love n i can't find outside of NZ - Speight's ale, Allan Scott wine and hokey pokey ice cream - please tell me if you ever see them :)

Foodie

A couple of nights ago, i dreamt that i was having a meal with Bernard. can't remember much of the details now thou...

since i was going thru old posts and fixing photos that disappeared, thot i'll put these here..even thou it's super unglam la..grin.


A hearty brunch after skydiving in New Zealand.
We were still high from the adrenaline rush, and famished. Both of us love to eat. Like true blue Singaporeans, we wouldn't think twice about going any distance or waiting (like, standing in queue for 2hrs...) to have a good meal. And we always bought extra for each other whenever we tried something really good.

Before we started dating, when we just got to know each other, i'd sometimes come back to my work desk and find some food (and a little note with no name)... Thinking back i still remember that thrill i felt seeing something there for me from whom i hoped was Bernard. And (after waiting a long time) when an email arrives from him asking me how was the food, i'd get all excited but of cos seemed suitably surprised :P

Once it was apple strudel from Werner's Oven, then it was peng kueh from some famous stall. And during the company's Idol competition, i'd walk in on him busy munching away at the food stand. That really broke the ice!

I love to watch him eat. He eats with an intensity that really fascinates me. It's so nice to see people enjoying their food.

It's late now, i can't seem to string my thots together and write properly. So it's all a bit disjointed.

Looking thru our photos, i tried to imagine Bernard standing here beside me, tried to remember the feeling of holding his hand, how he smells like, how it feels to be safe and happy and having someone so dear to talk to about the most mundane details of my life. and it's very sad thinking that it's all so long ago...

I miss him so terribly.

C'est mon rêve :)

This is taken today:





It is nearer to the MRT than i thot! Took me less than 5 min to take a leisurely stroll from the MRT to my new home.. i was very pleased :D And it's all very convenient! There's a hawker centre at the MRT, a bakery, tiny gift shop, 7-11, sushi bar, Mr. Bean, and even the same laundromat as the one near my office that i use! I have all the essentials!

I feel so happy n excited every time i see the building progressing nicely. It's like every day brings me nearer to fulfilling my dream.

Now, there's completely no scaffolding, and all the perimeter walls are up! (No more sneaking into the construction site thou... hee) Even the shelter for the BBQ area is on its way up. I can't wait to move in already! It still feels so unreal...

Actually i wonder whether the workers there recognise this crazy gal who turns up every couple of months and loiters around... and this time armed with a proper camera instead of a phone :P

* * *
After that, i went to the Expo for the Home & Design 2007. wah super far man. the last time i went there was for the CFA exam.

Bernard and i had gone for a home expo in Dec 2005, right after we bought our home. nevermind that it was far from completion then, we were so so excited.

Anyway, i just wanted to get a sense of the pricing and perhaps what to expect. Wasn't expecting to find something i like cos i'll prefer to work with someone who is referred by a fren. but it's always good to do our homework, and talk to as many people as necessary to be smart consumers. Bernard has always been the street-smart one between the two of us, so now i've gotta learn to take care of everything!

I talked to 5 IDs in all, i think. that's a lot. wah it's tiring man. but it's interesting to see how different people approach it.

* * *
Since i was already on the other end of Singapore, i went to the airport, one of my fave places to go. Just to walk walk and have dinner. it was surprisingly liberating to have dinner on my own.

Random thots about moving on

This morning i read the Sunday Times with a tinge of heartache and sadness. There was an article about the two teenages who died in a car crash last weekend, followed by stories of how people generally come to terms with grief and loss.

I seem to have automatically done most of the things... the ways people cope. Website, scrapbook, a little corner of my room with our photos and memorabilia, things that allowed me to work thru my grief and put it in a tangible form.

After reading that article, i was lost in thought the whole morning. As time passes, my life slowly takes on a semblance of its former form. So, sometimes i try to remember the times immediately following the accident, not for the purpose of wallowing in sorrow, but to recall how it was like to have a heightened sense of awareness of... everything.

At that time, it seemed like everything around me was sharp to my senses. Although i seemed pretty dazed, I was very emotional and sensitive to people's expressions, body language, and also, for lack of a better word, i "wrestled" day and night with God and felt deeply His impact on my life. I thought a lot, often philosophically, and mellowed quite abit.

Now, i am learning to make decisions about my own life again, what i want to do, and so on. And in the process, i thought alot about the possibility of a new relationship as well. When i was seeing the counsellor, he said to me, the fact that i was ready to settle down and accept Bernard's proposal showed that in my life i do want to experience married life. Some people consciously decide that they don't fancy marriage, but i do want it, and he's right. Very much in fact.

Just last week, i was having lunch with two male colleagues, who are both in steady relationships and about to settle down. After chatting a little about each of their plans (house, wedding, the works), one of them turned to me and said, "How about you grace? We are always talking about us, and we never talk about you. Are you seeing anyone? Outside? Are you sure? Anyone at all?" (dun ask, i'm not sure what "outside" meant! heh), to which i responded with a laugh, "No i'm not seeing anyone, and it's ok i'm quite happy listening to your plans! We don't have to talk about me!" And then, the first time anybody has asked me this question: "By the way are you straight??"

I'm not offended at all, and have been relating this story to frens as a joke. But then i got to thinking... must we be dating to be socially accepted? Is it a compliment when people look at us incredulously and exclaim how unusual it is that a gal "like you" is not attached? Has something gotta be wrong with us if we are not dating or married?

All these random thoughts have been coming back to me with more frequency lately. And somehow, this morning in church when i closed my eyes in prayer (obviously my mind was preoccupied and not listening at all :P), i suddenly decided, that i am going to give up on love. Romantic love, that is. It is not the result of a cynical or hopeless outlook in life; i still believe in love. I'm a sucker for romantic shows. I am very happy for my frens who are happily in love. But that doesn't mean that i have to be in love to believe in it. I just don't want it anymore. Thru a rational decision process, i came to the conclusion that it is just not going to happen. Bernard was my greatest love, still is, and will always be.

I still hope, of course. I hope to stay on my own, i hope to see an aurora, i hope to learn to play drums... and most of all, i have my hope in Jesus Christ, a hope that is not a possibility but a reality.

And I prayed that God will focus my heart and my life on Him.