Breathe on me now

- Kathryn Scott

Kathryn Scott on 6Lyrics.com

wah this scroll thing (forgive the pun) is cool la.. hee..

i love this song.
i actually bought her album, Satisfy, for Bernard (together with a box of stuff i labelled "RM's survival kit") I chose this album cos i wanted the song When I Survey The Wonderous Cross. i found the empty album case in his room, but never found the cd. wonder where he put it. This album is quite hard to find.. i got another one for myself only when i went to the States last year. i remember blasting this cd and Serendipity soundtrack in the hotel room (cos i scared... staying alone in the room :P that's why when i move out, MUST have cable tv n cd player!)

Sticky memories

It's funny how some seemingly random memories stick in our minds.

As i walked from the MRT to Bernard's home just now to visit his parents, i was lost in thoughts of Bernard and i walking together on the exact same route after work every so often...

...across from Chinese Garden where we went for the lantern festival n took such happie silly pictures, past the 7-11 where we collect our sistic tickets (never knew can collect fr 7-11), past the dvd rental shop that works on fingerprint verification (i cld never decide wat to watch), the times we ta bao food from that boon lay hawker centre with my fave ngor hiang stall... the carpark where we'd sit n chat for ages cos we cant bear to part... the same carpark where he asked me to be his gf.. twice.. grin~

and every single time i walk across the carpark facing his block, i'd remember he smsed me one morning telling me that as he was tryin to dry his contact lens case, he accidentally flung it out of the window.. n he thot it was very funny :) and i thot, wah how come so violent wan.

and every single time i go to his place, accompanied by that slight feeling of fear, apprehension n sadness, i get reminded of wat Hanglu said to me the day we were waiting for a cab after the wake... i was very bothered by the thot that each passing day seems to be bringing me further n further away from Bernard. i hated the phrase "moving on". she said, instead of thinking that i am leaving him behind in the past, think of it as each day bringing me nearer to him in the future, the day when we meet again. that was one of the most encouraging things anyone has said to me. and Pris also said, think of it as "moving with" instead of "moving on". perhaps its just a play on words... but it makes a difference. to me at least.

i wonder too, everytime, do his parents feel sad when they see me? because seeing me is such a stark reminder of their son. who used to always stand next to me.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
- Robert Frost

Today i went to the columbarium. on a little card stuck at the side of the niche, this poem reads:

The Broken Chain
We knew little that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, in death
we do the same. It broke our hearts
to lose you, you did not go alone;
for part of us went with you, the
day God called you home. You left us
peaceful memories, your love is still
our guide; and though we cannot see
you, you are always at our side. Our
family chain is broken, and nothing
seems the same; but as God calls
us one by one, the chain will link again.
As i read it, and busied myself by cutting the stems of three white roses, tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks. it was beautiful... and heartbreaking.

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As i walked home today, i thought, i feel like giving up. two years on, it felt like i took two steps forward, and now, one step back.

i am really trying very hard at work to do my best... and last friday, when i again told my boss that it's ok, i'm coping ok, she replied, "no it's not ok. you can be putting in late nights till 8, 9pm, but i'm not getting what i want. it's not ok!" and to me, who expects nothing but the best from myself, i felt like such a disappointment.

and... for a brief while, i went out with this guy. i kinda liked him. and i was quite happie. but by and by, i became miserable, thinking of and missing Bernard, and listing down all the reasons why it just won't work...

and then i asked Ivan, is it silly to try to fulfil a vision, dream, that i shared with someone who's not here anymore? why am i so adament about some of the design features?

it seems like i'm trying so hard at work, in life, socially, financially, emotionally, but it's just not good enough.

my dear frens have been very encouraging and supportive. sometimes i think it is like they were taking "shifts" to take care of me, as i am handed from one loving hand to another as they try to be with me even as they have so much to do. they thot for me all the time. Xiuling n Ah Long spent Sat morning helping me move two bulky mattresses. Hanglu always buys me gummies to cheer me up.. n got WS to buy me dri-fits for our Nepal trip. She n Kris took care of all the logistics n details. They ran errands with me, listened to me, helped me along in both practical ways as well as emotionally. with that thought, i feel so bad if i were to disappoint them... by dragging my feet along.

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OKIE enuff whining... i just had to get it off my chest :o)

the house is taking shape very nicely. the lights and paint colours are beautiful. the study is painted a sweet sweet pink! hee~ the rest of the house is modern n cosy - cool greys n browns, so i thot it'll be pretty to have a happie colour in one of the rooms :)

It actually feels quite surreal...

oh i haven't posted any pictures yet! here's some :)

Me opening the door for the first time ^_^





it is a very involved process... not easy having to make all the decisions on my own (like paint colours n lights n curtains), but it is all the more special cos i saw it thru every single little detail, every step of the way.

i ordered 4 dining chairs yesterday and the salesman must have looked at me n Kris n thot we looked frail or smtg; he offered us free delivery :o) the book shelves from Ikea were delivered today (now lying on the floor cos i refused to pay for installation, but i'm thinking they might construct themselves magically). and a vacuum cleaner appeared at Crystal's house today, bot by the gals for me! Thank you Keryn, Diaz, LianZ n GraceL! their affectionate way of welcoming me to the world of household chores hehe...

let's see.. what else? i'm gonna buy fridge, washing machine n towel rails next weekend, the sofa n bed will be delivered week after next, and it sounds like we're almost done!!

~Wish List~

Okie! now officially (and with gratefulness) accepting contributions to the dream home trust fund ^_^

Electronics
- TV: Daddy
- Home theatre system: free, courtesy of Starhub
- Fridge: Bernard's da ge & da sao
- Washing machine: partly sponsored by birthday vouchers from the gals :)
- Toaster: Matthew
- Rice cooker: Crystal
- Oven: hand-me-down from parents
- Kettle: bought!
- Standing fan: bought!
- Iron: Crystal
- Vacuum cleaner: Keryn, LianZ, Diaz, GraceL

Kitchen stuff
- Frying pans & ladles: Crystal
- Pot
- Knives n chopping board: bought! (i couldn't wait)
- Utensils: forks n spoons: bought! Robinsons vouchers courtesy of Starhub
- Dinnerware: plates n bowls etc: Kristin

Furniture
- Sofa: bought!
- Dining table: fabricated
- Dining chairs: Hanglu & Weisoon
- Bar stools
- Mattress: bought!
- Bed linen: 1 set bedlinen fr Xiuling, bought 2 more sets
- Quilt: bought!
- Study table n chair
- Dressing table: fabricated
- Rug
- Wall clock (prolly hv to buy myself! :)
- Lights: bought! this is shockingly ex...
- Curtains: bought!

Miscellaneous
- Supermarket vouchers (this will be very helpful^_^): Xiuling & Paul
- Table mats & coasters
- Photo frames: Kristin (complete w photos!)
- Wine glasses: Crystal
- Wine bottle opener
- Cocktail glasses: Alvina
- Recipe books: CAs
- Coffee maker: Bernard's er ge n er sao (Xianghe doesn't think the moo moo will be any good thou.. so she's getting me the same as hers :)
- Weighing scale (wat to do.. i stay in the East now! so much good food!!)
- Plants?

Phase II: When i get bonus
- Outdoor table n chairs for patio
- Outdoor grill (actually i decided i dowan this... disposable ones better.. no need to wash! :P

I shud start issuing common stock to all my frens who own little parts of my house.. hee~

Serendipity

Remember that scene from Serendipity?

When Jonathan (male lead) was gonna get married, and suddenly all around him everybody is calling for, singing about, introducing themselves as "Sara". He thot, it's like the whole universe is reminding him and nudging him to go find her.

Well, not really like that, but i got reminded of that scene recently.

In a kinda ironic, cruelly funny way, everything around me is suddenly reminding me of bernard. i did tell some frens, and with a laugh too (so as not to get overly sentimental)...

I have a new boss... his mannerism n certain angles look like bernard. he has a very big client (whom we talk about alot and i talk to), called bernard. tomorrow i'm meeting a contact for curtains, this guy called bernard. yesterday at work some colleagues were discussing behind me something regarding their fren bernard. and today in the lift a girl was being teased by other colleagues about a guy called bernard.

funny, isn't it? sometimes you just quietly stand there, taking in things from around you, especially sensitive to a certain key word, phrase, scent, name... and no one knows the kinda emotions and nonsense going on inside you :P

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Oh... today i went to Harvey Norman at Millenia during lunchtime. and it felt quite... difficult...

After one of our first Sat training sessions, we had walked around Harvey Norman to check out mp3 players for me. and despite only knowing each other for like... a couple of weeks? As he was talking he addressed me affectionately as "girl".. which i had a very deep impression of... and some months later when i asked him, he din even realize~ i love that memory cos that address came out so naturally n sounded just right :o)

i bought myself a nice white notebook!
^_^

Disappointments and letting go

Channel 5 had a travel feature on New Zealand tonight. i couldn't rush back in time to watch. but... just as well i missed it... it's probably gonna make me sad...

The movie, PS I Love You, seems to have affected me more deeply than i expected. since then, everything seems to have been going downhill. or maybe it's just bad timing.. to stir up those buried feelings. and last weekend i stayed home n watched My Sassy Girl. even that small part abt the letters at the end made me cry.

Work has been punishing. finances are looking kinda scary. renovations and errands for the house are taking up a lot of time n effort. day after day i'm rushing from one place to another, and not sleeping or eating well. i thot i'm more stable now, but i'm starting to miss bernard again, feel empty again... more n more. the journey is a lonely one, the pressure is getting to me. i'm tired, and i wish he's here to hold me.

i keep a lot of things, things of sentimental value. and when i lose things, i get very upset. but ever since i lost bernard, i've reacted to disappointments and losing things with a sense of quiet resignation. sometime mid-Jan, my phone suddenly spoilt. that means all the photos, videos, smses from bernard are gone. all my contacts are gone. i did back up smses from him, fortunately... and last week, my 7-year old palm decided to erase itself. this is really sad... cos i like to remember when things happen, and my memory's not too good :P 7 years worth of memories... and when i synched it with my computer, well, it erased the records on my palm desktop as well...

Crystal told me many times... all the times she's lost so many things of sentimental value, have taught her to let go. well... maybe it's time for me to learn to stop obsessing abt the past... and at the very least it taught me not to trust technology :P I'm getting myself a little (paper) notebook instead!