Disappointments and letting go

Channel 5 had a travel feature on New Zealand tonight. i couldn't rush back in time to watch. but... just as well i missed it... it's probably gonna make me sad...

The movie, PS I Love You, seems to have affected me more deeply than i expected. since then, everything seems to have been going downhill. or maybe it's just bad timing.. to stir up those buried feelings. and last weekend i stayed home n watched My Sassy Girl. even that small part abt the letters at the end made me cry.

Work has been punishing. finances are looking kinda scary. renovations and errands for the house are taking up a lot of time n effort. day after day i'm rushing from one place to another, and not sleeping or eating well. i thot i'm more stable now, but i'm starting to miss bernard again, feel empty again... more n more. the journey is a lonely one, the pressure is getting to me. i'm tired, and i wish he's here to hold me.

i keep a lot of things, things of sentimental value. and when i lose things, i get very upset. but ever since i lost bernard, i've reacted to disappointments and losing things with a sense of quiet resignation. sometime mid-Jan, my phone suddenly spoilt. that means all the photos, videos, smses from bernard are gone. all my contacts are gone. i did back up smses from him, fortunately... and last week, my 7-year old palm decided to erase itself. this is really sad... cos i like to remember when things happen, and my memory's not too good :P 7 years worth of memories... and when i synched it with my computer, well, it erased the records on my palm desktop as well...

Crystal told me many times... all the times she's lost so many things of sentimental value, have taught her to let go. well... maybe it's time for me to learn to stop obsessing abt the past... and at the very least it taught me not to trust technology :P I'm getting myself a little (paper) notebook instead!

Some updates

Okie... since i'm at it now, might as well have some updates :P

I MIA-ed for so long cos, since the last i wrote in Dec, there's been many many changes, many many things to do... wah...

but i'm not gonna try writing about it, cos it's so complicated that it will be quite boring... heh

So, in short, i'm staying with Crystal temporarily, while waiting and preparing for the renovations for my place.

It TOP-ed sometime in Dec, but only got the keys in mid-Jan. Now doing ratification, which i gather to mean pointing out the defects and getting the developer's contractors to repair them to my satisfaction. heh. had to bring Hanglu and Weisoon there to help me look out for defects, cos i couldn't even see the cracks on the wall n dents on the door... and i guess it's nice to have company.

Now i'm busy shopping for furniture! and well... decisions decisions... one wld think it's easier to make decisions when there's just one person, when u can have everything ur way. but actually, i think it's not that easy to make big decisions all on my own.

Oh oh... i found a sofa that i absolutely love! and a daybed ^^ i think i'll order them tomorrow... hmm... maybe..? was telling Hanglu that i'm suffering from purchase intertia... like... after obsessing abt it for so long, izzit really like now? really really buy them like now now.. already? hee~

will come up with a wishlist soon :o)

P.S. I Love You

It is probably the most painfully sweet movie i've ever watched...

It came so close to reality... that it was almost like taking a trip back a couple of years, as i watched her journey thru her version of my life.

The movie's pretty good. well, tiring thou... considering i started crying about 10 min into the show, intermittently throughout, till abt 10 min before the show ended... :P The people on the other side of me must be thinking i'm mad~

It's been some time since i remember feeling this sad. while trying not to be too self-absorbed or melodramatic about it, the show does touch me in many ways, because it is very real. the main n supporting characters are portrayed in realistic angles, with strengths n weaknesses, not the typical perfect hollywood leads. she doesn't wake up, fall into some hunky stranger's arms and move on :P Not a perfect beginning, nor a perfect ending, but beautiful nevertheless. and i guess, in a way, the story does help me. maybe i like it cos i can relate to it. we all like stories that we can feel for, find similarities to our own experiences, and draw inspiration from.

abit about the film from the website:

"With Gerry's words as her guide, Holly embarks on a touching, exciting and often hilarious journey of rediscovery in a story about marriage, friendship and how a love so strong can turn the finality of death into a new beginning for life."

Have to borrow from the website... cos, instead of being overcome with inspiration as i usually would n write some fancy long thesis, this time my mind's quite blank. kinda dunno wat to say.

Journey to the past... on to find my future

One of hanglu's fave songs... one day it suddenly popped up in my head, and i thot.. how very true it feels for me at this moment, for various reasons...

Journey to the Past
Anastasia

Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear

Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
On this journey to the past

Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
Years of dreams just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
Finally home where I belong

Well starting here my life begins
Starting now, I'm learning fast
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
On this journey to the past

One step at a time
One hope then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was
On to find my future
Things my heart still needs to know

Yes, let this be a sign
Let this road be mine
Let it lead me to my past
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
To bring me home
At last

Removing those marks

So much for telling all my frens recently how nicely i am moving on...
Five minutes before i woke up this morning, i dreamt of Bernard with such vividness that it shook me.... i can almost feel the saltiness of his skin.

We were jogging together, and after stopping, i sat down and examined the mud spots on my new running shoes, wondering how to remove them.

He taught me some quick tips and tricks. i looked at him for a moment, hugged him very tightly, and cried... pleading with him to please don't leave me... or else who would be there to teach me all those little things in future...

then i woke up.

Part 3: Moving on with...

... the house!

it is expected to TOP in Dec 07! which is really soon! :D and to think i was really starting to lost hope... :,)
(the committed TOP is actually May 09)

went out with my sis today, and was pondering out loud how i am gonna manage two moves within a few months - cos my family is moving house in Dec 07/Jan 08 and i will move out once my place is ready, which i have no idea when. the developers and contractors were unable to give anything definite when i called to check some time ago.

so my sis said, why don't u ask someone? and i thot, ya maybe i shud call the lawyers again today. and so i did.

the lawyer said, oh incidentally we received a notice from the developers just today and need you to come sign some documents.

since i'm in the area, i went today. the developer had drawn down the last "column" before the TOP column!!! (see previous post "One more column!") AND together with the payment schedule was a letter that said, the expected TOP will be in or around December 2007!!!

it is in sight! finally and truly!

i had told Kris, rather sadly, that the best birthday present i wish to have is the keys to my place. convinced that it will not happen.

and now it might! well, at least i have a rough indication :o)

i immediately texted a few frens... that today is the happiest day in the past year and a half :)

Part 2: Letting go of...

A year and seven months past...

Finally, somewhere along the way (i'm not exactly sure when), i've become ok with letting people know without fear... fear of people seeing me differently, fear of being the subject of pity.

i guess at some point along the way, i have finally learnt to let go. let go of the pain, the guilt, the fear, the knots in my heart. people have told me from the start that one day i will wake up and realize that it doesn't hurt as much anymore, and obviously i couldn't imagine.

and this morning, i finally threw away the bouquet of rocher chocolates that bernard had given to me when he proposed. realizing that keeping tangible items is not symbolic of keeping him in my heart.

Part 1: Holding on to...

I read Hanglu's blog, and this struck me, "What is beautiful and blooming today will inevitably become a wilting flower tomorrow." It's true... life is transient. it reminds me of the song "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns.

Last night i tossed and turned, thinking of job, house, frens, life, what to wear tomorrow... heh :P

My room is in quite a mess, lots of stuff dumped in one corner or another. Actually i dunno where to put them cos to me these are waiting to be moved to my new house. Not that i am packing already (too early!) but i seem to have been collecting alot of stuff in anticipation of moving! And not to mention, not enough wardrobe space now :P

Bernard and i bought stuff here and there. we said we'd buy one art piece and one magnet from every country we travel to. and since then, i have continued doing this. Except for my recent trip to KL. i don't really want to remember KL.

I wondered, when people leave us, and there is nothing tangible to hold on to anymore, do we try to find substitutes?

I had obsessively collected, organized and kept memorabilia: photos represent our memories.. smses and emails represent his words.. perfume bottles represent his scent.. clothes represent his style..

It's silly, but sometimes i'd look back thru my palm schedule or smses to check... hmm so what did we do, what did he say to me this day 1, 2 years ago?

I burnt all the emails he had sent me into a cd. but i never did load them into my laptop again. will the cd spoil? should i print them all out? will i ever load the cd and open and read all the emails again? what is the symbolism of keeping the cd then? does it make a difference?

心酸 xīn suān : definition : 内心悲痛

When i close my eyes i see him...

sometimes, i see someone whose gait resembles his, i smell the perfume he used when i first knew him (it's not a common scent, thank goodness!), and i feel such heartache.

one day, i was going down an escalator near my office, and saw a bunch of little children sitting around, probably on an excursion. one very cute little boy caught my eye. he was sitting there quietly, with those big, innocent and dreamy eyes. my heart skipped a beat (very painful i must say!) because he looked almost exactly like Bernard at that age.

the image of that little boy haunted me the whole day.

Baby Audrey's 2nd birthday

We celebrated baby Audrey's birthday today.
Actually, she's not a baby anymore, running around n exclaiming n basking in the limelight. how time flies.

Bernard loves her so much... he loves to play with her. it always gave me a warm feeling watching him sayang her :)



When i bought her birthday present, i thot, this is from your bernard shushu and grace yiyi... but of cos, you'd think i'm nuts. Right after the accident i must have also gone slightly mental from the trauma, i kept crying n wishing that bernard and i had a baby too so that i could still have a part of him by my side to hold...

Anyway, Audrey is a smart and cheeky little gal now. This is how she's grown over the past year:


June 2006


August 2006


October 2007
She happily went around distributing the cake to everybody, then proudly declared that the bigger portion of the cake is for herself :) Lots of new toys and clothes (including the one that's a wee bit too small... i'm so bad at estimation :P)

Aotearoa, The Land of the Long White Cloud

I was reading the news this morning about the eruption of Mount Ruapehu in New Zealand, and for a moment i forgot... i nearly forwarded the article to Bernard.


Mount Ruapehu

En route to Taupo, we drove thru the desert with spectacular views of the three volcanoes - Mount Tongariro, Mount Ngauruhoe and Mount Ruapehu. My fave is the beautiful cone-shaped Ngauruhoe, which was used as Mount Doom in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. Ruapehu was Mordor, i think.


Some of the smaller peaks of Ruapehu that were used as Mordor
It was a gorgeous drive (albeit slightly scary. we learnt to take speed limits seriously. 25kph MEANS 25kph!), winding through tight narrow roads before hitting a vast expanse of desert. At which point, we were joined by several military trucks marked with a huge "mortar" word behind each one. Bernard joked that we shud try to get further away from them cos it looks so dangerous. We overtook them, but time and again they reappeared... Being the playful n drama guy, bernard started weaving stories of how they are stalking us, and thou it may seem silly, he does make the long drives really entertaining. Anyway, we deduced that they were heading towards Waiouru, a military town.

After crossing the desert, we reached the south end of Lake Taupo, a breathtakingly scenic n peaceful lake that lies in a caldera created by a huge volcanic eruption eons ago. According to NZ tourism magazines, Lake Taupo is approximately the size of Singapore!

We dined alfresco by the lake as the sun set (when bernard abandoned me for a good part of an hour as he went to take photos of the sunset). He also spoke with an elderly couple who had moved to Taupo for their retirement. We decided that we'd also plan to retire in New Zealand. Although staying in a volcano crater sounds a little adventuresome to me... We even opened a NZD account.

I really really love New Zealand. There's so much natural beauty and wonder... so much i still want to see and do. But then, perhaps some part of this strong feeling is because of how bernard made me feel. Perhaps it is because i was there with him. Now, i'm not sure if i'll ever go back. because my memories of New Zealand and my whole experience is so inextricably linked to Bernard.

Btw, three things that we love n i can't find outside of NZ - Speight's ale, Allan Scott wine and hokey pokey ice cream - please tell me if you ever see them :)

Foodie

A couple of nights ago, i dreamt that i was having a meal with Bernard. can't remember much of the details now thou...

since i was going thru old posts and fixing photos that disappeared, thot i'll put these here..even thou it's super unglam la..grin.


A hearty brunch after skydiving in New Zealand.
We were still high from the adrenaline rush, and famished. Both of us love to eat. Like true blue Singaporeans, we wouldn't think twice about going any distance or waiting (like, standing in queue for 2hrs...) to have a good meal. And we always bought extra for each other whenever we tried something really good.

Before we started dating, when we just got to know each other, i'd sometimes come back to my work desk and find some food (and a little note with no name)... Thinking back i still remember that thrill i felt seeing something there for me from whom i hoped was Bernard. And (after waiting a long time) when an email arrives from him asking me how was the food, i'd get all excited but of cos seemed suitably surprised :P

Once it was apple strudel from Werner's Oven, then it was peng kueh from some famous stall. And during the company's Idol competition, i'd walk in on him busy munching away at the food stand. That really broke the ice!

I love to watch him eat. He eats with an intensity that really fascinates me. It's so nice to see people enjoying their food.

It's late now, i can't seem to string my thots together and write properly. So it's all a bit disjointed.

Looking thru our photos, i tried to imagine Bernard standing here beside me, tried to remember the feeling of holding his hand, how he smells like, how it feels to be safe and happy and having someone so dear to talk to about the most mundane details of my life. and it's very sad thinking that it's all so long ago...

I miss him so terribly.

C'est mon rêve :)

This is taken today:





It is nearer to the MRT than i thot! Took me less than 5 min to take a leisurely stroll from the MRT to my new home.. i was very pleased :D And it's all very convenient! There's a hawker centre at the MRT, a bakery, tiny gift shop, 7-11, sushi bar, Mr. Bean, and even the same laundromat as the one near my office that i use! I have all the essentials!

I feel so happy n excited every time i see the building progressing nicely. It's like every day brings me nearer to fulfilling my dream.

Now, there's completely no scaffolding, and all the perimeter walls are up! (No more sneaking into the construction site thou... hee) Even the shelter for the BBQ area is on its way up. I can't wait to move in already! It still feels so unreal...

Actually i wonder whether the workers there recognise this crazy gal who turns up every couple of months and loiters around... and this time armed with a proper camera instead of a phone :P

* * *
After that, i went to the Expo for the Home & Design 2007. wah super far man. the last time i went there was for the CFA exam.

Bernard and i had gone for a home expo in Dec 2005, right after we bought our home. nevermind that it was far from completion then, we were so so excited.

Anyway, i just wanted to get a sense of the pricing and perhaps what to expect. Wasn't expecting to find something i like cos i'll prefer to work with someone who is referred by a fren. but it's always good to do our homework, and talk to as many people as necessary to be smart consumers. Bernard has always been the street-smart one between the two of us, so now i've gotta learn to take care of everything!

I talked to 5 IDs in all, i think. that's a lot. wah it's tiring man. but it's interesting to see how different people approach it.

* * *
Since i was already on the other end of Singapore, i went to the airport, one of my fave places to go. Just to walk walk and have dinner. it was surprisingly liberating to have dinner on my own.

Random thots about moving on

This morning i read the Sunday Times with a tinge of heartache and sadness. There was an article about the two teenages who died in a car crash last weekend, followed by stories of how people generally come to terms with grief and loss.

I seem to have automatically done most of the things... the ways people cope. Website, scrapbook, a little corner of my room with our photos and memorabilia, things that allowed me to work thru my grief and put it in a tangible form.

After reading that article, i was lost in thought the whole morning. As time passes, my life slowly takes on a semblance of its former form. So, sometimes i try to remember the times immediately following the accident, not for the purpose of wallowing in sorrow, but to recall how it was like to have a heightened sense of awareness of... everything.

At that time, it seemed like everything around me was sharp to my senses. Although i seemed pretty dazed, I was very emotional and sensitive to people's expressions, body language, and also, for lack of a better word, i "wrestled" day and night with God and felt deeply His impact on my life. I thought a lot, often philosophically, and mellowed quite abit.

Now, i am learning to make decisions about my own life again, what i want to do, and so on. And in the process, i thought alot about the possibility of a new relationship as well. When i was seeing the counsellor, he said to me, the fact that i was ready to settle down and accept Bernard's proposal showed that in my life i do want to experience married life. Some people consciously decide that they don't fancy marriage, but i do want it, and he's right. Very much in fact.

Just last week, i was having lunch with two male colleagues, who are both in steady relationships and about to settle down. After chatting a little about each of their plans (house, wedding, the works), one of them turned to me and said, "How about you grace? We are always talking about us, and we never talk about you. Are you seeing anyone? Outside? Are you sure? Anyone at all?" (dun ask, i'm not sure what "outside" meant! heh), to which i responded with a laugh, "No i'm not seeing anyone, and it's ok i'm quite happy listening to your plans! We don't have to talk about me!" And then, the first time anybody has asked me this question: "By the way are you straight??"

I'm not offended at all, and have been relating this story to frens as a joke. But then i got to thinking... must we be dating to be socially accepted? Is it a compliment when people look at us incredulously and exclaim how unusual it is that a gal "like you" is not attached? Has something gotta be wrong with us if we are not dating or married?

All these random thoughts have been coming back to me with more frequency lately. And somehow, this morning in church when i closed my eyes in prayer (obviously my mind was preoccupied and not listening at all :P), i suddenly decided, that i am going to give up on love. Romantic love, that is. It is not the result of a cynical or hopeless outlook in life; i still believe in love. I'm a sucker for romantic shows. I am very happy for my frens who are happily in love. But that doesn't mean that i have to be in love to believe in it. I just don't want it anymore. Thru a rational decision process, i came to the conclusion that it is just not going to happen. Bernard was my greatest love, still is, and will always be.

I still hope, of course. I hope to stay on my own, i hope to see an aurora, i hope to learn to play drums... and most of all, i have my hope in Jesus Christ, a hope that is not a possibility but a reality.

And I prayed that God will focus my heart and my life on Him.

We didn't make it that far

i tend to get overly excited when people talk about their new homes, esp young couples. sometimes i'd catch myself just before blurting out (in front of people who don't/needn't know) my own experience with HDB balloting, or my anticipation for my own home.

i guess i'm just glad that 1) there is something for me to look forward to, else life will be such a routine. i operate on autopilot nowadays.. 2)there are very dear frens who look forward to it together with me and put up with all my relentless obsessing. otherwise, it would be quite a lonely sorta anticipation.

I read hanglu's blog about mornings at home with weisoon, with a bittersweet feeling. sweet because it's really so nice and i'm happy for my best fren.. bitter because i remember dreaming thru it with bernard.

(ok this gonna sound silly)
we had spent many wonderful hours savouring every bit of this dream... simply gazing at our floorplan and dreaming ourselves thru the "typical day in our home". tracing his finger around the floorplan, he'd narrate us thru the rooms from waking up in the morning and having breakfast, getting ready for work (walk-in wardrobe and all), to coming home at night and snuggling up in bed. i know it's so nice beause even thou we never made it that far, the foretaste of it was staying over at each other's place or on our holidays... waking up next to each other and debating what to have for breakfast (i'm a huge fan of breakfast).

many times, i'd just observe him, and think with wonder in my heart that we are gonna have each other for the rest of our lives... with a tiny speck of disbelief that life can be so beautiful.

only thing is that it really isn't.

What we remember after the squabbles

Though i think of our relationship as a "fairytale romance", we had our share of couple squabbles too. sometimes i think these squabbles are what makes the experience so real.

Every time i go for facial (like today), i'll get reminded of this...

Last April, i had a facial appointment after work, and Bernard said he'd send me there. i was running late for my appointment; the traffic was heavy; we were bickering about something in the car. Maneuvering the traffic added to our tension. when we finally got to an expressway, i realized (too late) that we had gone the wrong way... When i told Bernard, he was so angry n frustrated that it scared me abit. I called to change my appointment to another day and told him it's ok. Then, i realized that his anger wasn't directed at me. he wanted so badly to get me to where i wanted to go, that it frustrated him when he couldn't. it wasn't about the appointment or our miscommunication, but simply him wanting to give me everything i wanted. it's strange, but at that moment i felt really touched.

I thought of another time we quarrelled..
We had dinner at Maxwell market after work, and for some reason we were quarrelling, and ended the evening on a bad note. The next day, he had an interview in the afternoon. I texted him to wish him, and his immediate reply carried so much joy and relief that all previous unpleasantness melted away. he told me he could go for the interview with ease after seeing my message and knowing all is well between us.

Another time, in the midst of another squabble, i cancelled lunch with Bernard due to work (i was preparing for a big presentation that afternoon). i think he wanted to bring me for a nice lunch to help me relax before the presentation, so obviously cancelling on him didn't help the situation. even though he was unhappy with me, just before the presentation, he texted me to remind me to eat something, in case i feel weak or unwell during the presentation. even in the gruff tone i can feel his concern.

My point in all these recollections is, even though during a quarrel we all feel the need, no matter how unreasonable, to get our point across and demand that we are right, most of the time after the whole episode we can hardly remember what it was all about. From these memories, no matter how hard i try i can't remember the actual content of the squabbles and who "won". i can only remember very clearly the warm feeling of making up and all the happiness of knowing that one of us (either one) gave in because of love. even if one of us wins the argument, did our relationship win? no, in fact, it can be very damaging to have a clear winner each time (the only huge quarrel i can remember i "won" remains one of my regrets till now).

This is also why it is so important to have Christ at the centre of a relationship, to guide us in love, so that the focus is on Him and not on our own self-righteousness and pride.

Losing someone

Can you lose someone if you know where he is?

So, if i know n believe that bernard is in heaven, have i lost him?

it is an interesting question... more like a play on words. i haven't figured it out.

it's still very painful to think abt it. whether i try to recall happy times or terrifying moments it leaves me empty and sad. i've had dreams from which i wake up crying, the inevitable "why" still creeps into my mind every now and then... but i just don't talk about it anymore. because a combination of pride and peer pressure means that i have to be strong, deal with it, move on and be a better person for it.

as time passes, people will get tired of it... it's all just buried in my heart. not that i want to (in fact i don't), but i feel more and more distant from people. it's tiring especially to meet new people/old acquaintances and deal with all their questions.

If you have met "the one" and lost him/her, will you settle for someone else eventually? can you love again, and will that be considered second-best?

The difference between that, and someone who feels that he/she has not met "the one", is the finality of the first. I've asked many frens this, and thought a lot about it, but it is another question i have not found a satisfactory answer to.

Travel times

Yesterday i had to go to Tampines for a bridesmaid fitting session. So, being the obsessive planner i am, i timed the following legs of the MRT journey :P

: Bishan to Eunos - 33 min
: Orchard to Eunos - 21 min
: City Hall to Eunos - 11 min (pretty fast!)

And today, i went to Samuel's new place to see his ID works. He stays like 5 min drive from my place! Love his wife and daughter... she's so friendly n encouraging :) yay building up my network in my new place already!

I feel so happy everytime i see how well the building is progressing.

One more column!

I'm back from the States, and after plowing thru tonnes of mail, i discovered that our house is one column away from TOP!!! :D

By that, i mean the progressive payment schedule... they show the progress in columns and fill in the dates as they go along, and there's only one blank column before TOP! suddenly! That means the interior is all completed. plumbing and the works. left with the landscaping and pool and all those pretty stuff. wah....

so, i went to the site with mahesh last night. again... i noe. sounds a bit obsessive, but 1) it's always with different frens who want to see the place, 2) very excited mah... first time + very proud homeowner!

this time, we sneaked into the site! *horrors* i hesitated ("can meh??") but mahesh beckoned ("can la! come on!!")
thou we got chased out eventually, i'm glad we went in! it's really cool. climbed around the pool area, and got up close to the inside patio of my unit. words can't describe the surreal n serene feeling i had while standing in the middle of the site, looking up and around silently. thinking of bernard in my heart... here i am dear, finally :)

All the windows!!

No more half raw! see, it looks quite different from the last photo in the previous post... now ALL the windows on this side are fixed!!! ;D

Crystal wanted to see the house, so we drove there after work today, before meeting Father Simon for dinner. Very happie n excited that it is progressing so well! I really hope that i can do it...