Sunday, April 13, 2008
First gathering at home
i had my first gathering at my home today! :D
okie... it wasn't like an official housewarming la. i invited some close church frens over to look-see-look-see... and i guess it wasn't the first time i had guests over. only that when Hang n Ws came over, i was kinda unfamiliar with how to play host :P
and i was abit preoccupied on Fri n Sat thinking of all the things i hafta do n buy... like buy drinks n flowers (which i think no one noticed :P), clean the house properly (white glossy tiles are brutally honest)... already did it once just before my family came over last Sunday (must make sure they feel comforted their daughter is living in okie conditions).
then i think n i think... that i must learn to let go la. the house cannot be perfectly n sparkly clean all the time :P but i hate Ikea rugs... oh those awful blue fibres that shed n stick everywhere!
now i understand why it's called "housewarming". having frens over really gives a nice warm cosy feeling. i was chatting with Gerald about how it feels to move out, and we both agreed that the whole point of wanting to move out is so that we can have frens over anytime, do whatever, and not worry abt disturbing family members or having to be all proper n polite n all. so its only fun to move out when u have frens over a lot. otherwise, it's just SO quiet.
THANK goodness my home theatre system is set up. switching on the radio is usually the first thing i do when i wake up or get home. so before the system came, i had to have my laptop on all the time. and then i bugged the ID guy to come over to help me set it up. THANK YOU Teck Soon! :o)
we drove to Katong for lunch after church, then came home where i bought yummy beancurd tarts n pineapple tarts to share. i love the feeling of having frens over, making them feel comfy n at home n all... n having them know that they are welcome anytime ^^
but i have this lil' problem... usually after a gathering (or holiday), i can't help feeling slightly empty n wishing the happie feeling can last longer. before my mind cld start wandering all over the place thinking i wish i had "couple" plans like them, i pray that God will always draw me close to Him, fill my heart with His great love, comfort and presence. and of cos, i immediately put on the new CD that Ah Long n Evelyn bought me! Leo Ku, the one that we've both been searching for and he found first. Ah Long n Eve are such encouraging n loving siblings-in-Christ who epitomize how we shud live n love as a Christian body.
thanks for coming over! you guys walked with me thru this long journey... :)
can't wait to organize the REAL thing... housewarming with the whole DG over! wah quite a scary thot leh!
okie... it wasn't like an official housewarming la. i invited some close church frens over to look-see-look-see... and i guess it wasn't the first time i had guests over. only that when Hang n Ws came over, i was kinda unfamiliar with how to play host :P
and i was abit preoccupied on Fri n Sat thinking of all the things i hafta do n buy... like buy drinks n flowers (which i think no one noticed :P), clean the house properly (white glossy tiles are brutally honest)... already did it once just before my family came over last Sunday (must make sure they feel comforted their daughter is living in okie conditions).
then i think n i think... that i must learn to let go la. the house cannot be perfectly n sparkly clean all the time :P but i hate Ikea rugs... oh those awful blue fibres that shed n stick everywhere!
now i understand why it's called "housewarming". having frens over really gives a nice warm cosy feeling. i was chatting with Gerald about how it feels to move out, and we both agreed that the whole point of wanting to move out is so that we can have frens over anytime, do whatever, and not worry abt disturbing family members or having to be all proper n polite n all. so its only fun to move out when u have frens over a lot. otherwise, it's just SO quiet.
THANK goodness my home theatre system is set up. switching on the radio is usually the first thing i do when i wake up or get home. so before the system came, i had to have my laptop on all the time. and then i bugged the ID guy to come over to help me set it up. THANK YOU Teck Soon! :o)
we drove to Katong for lunch after church, then came home where i bought yummy beancurd tarts n pineapple tarts to share. i love the feeling of having frens over, making them feel comfy n at home n all... n having them know that they are welcome anytime ^^
but i have this lil' problem... usually after a gathering (or holiday), i can't help feeling slightly empty n wishing the happie feeling can last longer. before my mind cld start wandering all over the place thinking i wish i had "couple" plans like them, i pray that God will always draw me close to Him, fill my heart with His great love, comfort and presence. and of cos, i immediately put on the new CD that Ah Long n Evelyn bought me! Leo Ku, the one that we've both been searching for and he found first. Ah Long n Eve are such encouraging n loving siblings-in-Christ who epitomize how we shud live n love as a Christian body.
thanks for coming over! you guys walked with me thru this long journey... :)
can't wait to organize the REAL thing... housewarming with the whole DG over! wah quite a scary thot leh!
Monday, April 07, 2008
I've moved in!!
My first night was 30 March 2008 :)
The cleaning n unpacking was (and still is) super jialat. I keep wondering how i managed to squeeze so much stuff into my ONE bedroom last time...
wAhaHAha...
And as a result of keeping a whole lot of stuff in boxes for several months, they've either grown musky or mouldy *horrors* or quite out-of-point. OH i had such a battle with mould! So i threw lots of stuff away and realised getting rid of stuff can be rather therapeutic. Though i (again) wonder why i bothered packing them in the first place :P
When i'm finally satisfied with how the place looks, will post some pictures ^_^
* * *
erms... do i really have so much stuff? don't you too? :-| like... keep ur books? soft toys n letters etc?? hmm~
* * *
you know what was the most painful part? unpacking bernard's stuff.
i re-packed them cos for a few days i was so anxious abt mould getting to his clothes... and then itchy fingers me went to spritz some of his perfume on my hand. and then photos, things he gave me, like his treasured little R2D2, things he kept, like the picture of me he printed n stuck behind his fave Psalms 91 card i gave him... and then my diaries, the cards people gave me, all the stuff. so scary.
The cleaning n unpacking was (and still is) super jialat. I keep wondering how i managed to squeeze so much stuff into my ONE bedroom last time...
wAhaHAha...
And as a result of keeping a whole lot of stuff in boxes for several months, they've either grown musky or mouldy *horrors* or quite out-of-point. OH i had such a battle with mould! So i threw lots of stuff away and realised getting rid of stuff can be rather therapeutic. Though i (again) wonder why i bothered packing them in the first place :P
When i'm finally satisfied with how the place looks, will post some pictures ^_^
erms... do i really have so much stuff? don't you too? :-| like... keep ur books? soft toys n letters etc?? hmm~
you know what was the most painful part? unpacking bernard's stuff.
i re-packed them cos for a few days i was so anxious abt mould getting to his clothes... and then itchy fingers me went to spritz some of his perfume on my hand. and then photos, things he gave me, like his treasured little R2D2, things he kept, like the picture of me he printed n stuck behind his fave Psalms 91 card i gave him... and then my diaries, the cards people gave me, all the stuff. so scary.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Breathe on me now
- Kathryn Scott
wah this scroll thing (forgive the pun) is cool la.. hee..
i love this song.
i actually bought her album, Satisfy, for Bernard (together with a box of stuff i labelled "RM's survival kit") I chose this album cos i wanted the song When I Survey The Wonderous Cross. i found the empty album case in his room, but never found the cd. wonder where he put it. This album is quite hard to find.. i got another one for myself only when i went to the States last year. i remember blasting this cd and Serendipity soundtrack in the hotel room (cos i scared... staying alone in the room :P that's why when i move out, MUST have cable tv n cd player!)
| Kathryn Scott on 6Lyrics.com |
wah this scroll thing (forgive the pun) is cool la.. hee..
i love this song.
i actually bought her album, Satisfy, for Bernard (together with a box of stuff i labelled "RM's survival kit") I chose this album cos i wanted the song When I Survey The Wonderous Cross. i found the empty album case in his room, but never found the cd. wonder where he put it. This album is quite hard to find.. i got another one for myself only when i went to the States last year. i remember blasting this cd and Serendipity soundtrack in the hotel room (cos i scared... staying alone in the room :P that's why when i move out, MUST have cable tv n cd player!)
Sticky memories
It's funny how some seemingly random memories stick in our minds.
As i walked from the MRT to Bernard's home just now to visit his parents, i was lost in thoughts of Bernard and i walking together on the exact same route after work every so often...
...across from Chinese Garden where we went for the lantern festival n took such happie silly pictures, past the 7-11 where we collect our sistic tickets (never knew can collect fr 7-11), past the dvd rental shop that works on fingerprint verification (i cld never decide wat to watch), the times we ta bao food from that boon lay hawker centre with my fave ngor hiang stall... the carpark where we'd sit n chat for ages cos we cant bear to part... the same carpark where he asked me to be his gf.. twice.. grin~
and every single time i walk across the carpark facing his block, i'd remember he smsed me one morning telling me that as he was tryin to dry his contact lens case, he accidentally flung it out of the window.. n he thot it was very funny :) and i thot, wah how come so violent wan.
and every single time i go to his place, accompanied by that slight feeling of fear, apprehension n sadness, i get reminded of wat Hanglu said to me the day we were waiting for a cab after the wake... i was very bothered by the thot that each passing day seems to be bringing me further n further away from Bernard. i hated the phrase "moving on". she said, instead of thinking that i am leaving him behind in the past, think of it as each day bringing me nearer to him in the future, the day when we meet again. that was one of the most encouraging things anyone has said to me. and Pris also said, think of it as "moving with" instead of "moving on". perhaps its just a play on words... but it makes a difference. to me at least.
i wonder too, everytime, do his parents feel sad when they see me? because seeing me is such a stark reminder of their son. who used to always stand next to me.
As i walked from the MRT to Bernard's home just now to visit his parents, i was lost in thoughts of Bernard and i walking together on the exact same route after work every so often...
...across from Chinese Garden where we went for the lantern festival n took such happie silly pictures, past the 7-11 where we collect our sistic tickets (never knew can collect fr 7-11), past the dvd rental shop that works on fingerprint verification (i cld never decide wat to watch), the times we ta bao food from that boon lay hawker centre with my fave ngor hiang stall... the carpark where we'd sit n chat for ages cos we cant bear to part... the same carpark where he asked me to be his gf.. twice.. grin~
and every single time i walk across the carpark facing his block, i'd remember he smsed me one morning telling me that as he was tryin to dry his contact lens case, he accidentally flung it out of the window.. n he thot it was very funny :) and i thot, wah how come so violent wan.
and every single time i go to his place, accompanied by that slight feeling of fear, apprehension n sadness, i get reminded of wat Hanglu said to me the day we were waiting for a cab after the wake... i was very bothered by the thot that each passing day seems to be bringing me further n further away from Bernard. i hated the phrase "moving on". she said, instead of thinking that i am leaving him behind in the past, think of it as each day bringing me nearer to him in the future, the day when we meet again. that was one of the most encouraging things anyone has said to me. and Pris also said, think of it as "moving with" instead of "moving on". perhaps its just a play on words... but it makes a difference. to me at least.
i wonder too, everytime, do his parents feel sad when they see me? because seeing me is such a stark reminder of their son. who used to always stand next to me.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
- Robert Frost
Today i went to the columbarium. on a little card stuck at the side of the niche, this poem reads:
We knew little that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, in death
we do the same. It broke our hearts
to lose you, you did not go alone;
for part of us went with you, the
day God called you home. You left us
peaceful memories, your love is still
our guide; and though we cannot see
you, you are always at our side. Our
family chain is broken, and nothing
seems the same; but as God calls
us one by one, the chain will link again.
As i read it, and busied myself by cutting the stems of three white roses, tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks. it was beautiful... and heartbreaking.
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As i walked home today, i thought, i feel like giving up. two years on, it felt like i took two steps forward, and now, one step back.
i am really trying very hard at work to do my best... and last friday, when i again told my boss that it's ok, i'm coping ok, she replied, "no it's not ok. you can be putting in late nights till 8, 9pm, but i'm not getting what i want. it's not ok!" and to me, who expects nothing but the best from myself, i felt like such a disappointment.
and... for a brief while, i went out with this guy. i kinda liked him. and i was quite happie. but by and by, i became miserable, thinking of and missing Bernard, and listing down all the reasons why it just won't work...
and then i asked Ivan, is it silly to try to fulfil a vision, dream, that i shared with someone who's not here anymore? why am i so adament about some of the design features?
it seems like i'm trying so hard at work, in life, socially, financially, emotionally, but it's just not good enough.
my dear frens have been very encouraging and supportive. sometimes i think it is like they were taking "shifts" to take care of me, as i am handed from one loving hand to another as they try to be with me even as they have so much to do. they thot for me all the time. Xiuling n Ah Long spent Sat morning helping me move two bulky mattresses. Hanglu always buys me gummies to cheer me up.. n got WS to buy me dri-fits for our Nepal trip. She n Kris took care of all the logistics n details. They ran errands with me, listened to me, helped me along in both practical ways as well as emotionally. with that thought, i feel so bad if i were to disappoint them... by dragging my feet along.
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OKIE enuff whining... i just had to get it off my chest :o)
the house is taking shape very nicely. the lights and paint colours are beautiful. the study is painted a sweet sweet pink! hee~ the rest of the house is modern n cosy - cool greys n browns, so i thot it'll be pretty to have a happie colour in one of the rooms :)
It actually feels quite surreal...
oh i haven't posted any pictures yet! here's some :)
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Me opening the door for the first time ^_^
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it is a very involved process... not easy having to make all the decisions on my own (like paint colours n lights n curtains), but it is all the more special cos i saw it thru every single little detail, every step of the way.
i ordered 4 dining chairs yesterday and the salesman must have looked at me n Kris n thot we looked frail or smtg; he offered us free delivery :o) the book shelves from Ikea were delivered today (now lying on the floor cos i refused to pay for installation, but i'm thinking they might construct themselves magically). and a vacuum cleaner appeared at Crystal's house today, bot by the gals for me! Thank you Keryn, Diaz, LianZ n GraceL! their affectionate way of welcoming me to the world of household chores hehe...
let's see.. what else? i'm gonna buy fridge, washing machine n towel rails next weekend, the sofa n bed will be delivered week after next, and it sounds like we're almost done!!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
~Wish List~
Okie! now officially (and with gratefulness) accepting contributions to the dream home trust fund ^_^
Electronics
-TV: Daddy
-Home theatre system: free, courtesy of Starhub
-Fridge: Bernard's da ge & da sao
-Washing machine: partly sponsored by birthday vouchers from the gals :)
-Toaster: Matthew
-Rice cooker: Crystal
-Oven: hand-me-down from parents
-Kettle: bought!
-Standing fan: bought!
-Iron: Crystal
-Vacuum cleaner: Keryn, LianZ, Diaz, GraceL
Kitchen stuff
-Frying pans & ladles: Crystal
- Pot
-Knives n chopping board: bought! (i couldn't wait)
-Utensils: forks n spoons: bought! Robinsons vouchers courtesy of Starhub
-Dinnerware: plates n bowls etc: Kristin
Furniture
-Sofa: bought!
-Dining table: fabricated
-Dining chairs: Hanglu & Weisoon
- Bar stools
-Mattress: bought!
-Bed linen: 1 set bedlinen fr Xiuling, bought 2 more sets
-Quilt: bought!
- Study table n chair
-Dressing table: fabricated
- Rug
- Wall clock (prolly hv to buy myself! :)
-Lights: bought! this is shockingly ex...
-Curtains: bought!
Miscellaneous
- Supermarket vouchers (this will be very helpful^_^): Xiuling & Paul
- Table mats & coasters
-Photo frames: Kristin (complete w photos!)
-Wine glasses: Crystal
- Wine bottle opener
-Cocktail glasses: Alvina
-Recipe books: CAs
-Coffee maker: Bernard's er ge n er sao (Xianghe doesn't think the moo moo will be any good thou.. so she's getting me the same as hers :)
- Weighing scale (wat to do.. i stay in the East now! so much good food!!)
- Plants?
Phase II: When i get bonus
- Outdoor table n chairs for patio
- Outdoor grill (actually i decided i dowan this... disposable ones better.. no need to wash! :P
I shud start issuing common stock to all my frens who own little parts of my house.. hee~
Electronics
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Kitchen stuff
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- Pot
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Furniture
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- Bar stools
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- Study table n chair
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- Rug
- Wall clock (prolly hv to buy myself! :)
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Miscellaneous
- Supermarket vouchers (this will be very helpful^_^): Xiuling & Paul
- Table mats & coasters
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- Wine bottle opener
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- Weighing scale (wat to do.. i stay in the East now! so much good food!!)
- Plants?
Phase II: When i get bonus
- Outdoor table n chairs for patio
- Outdoor grill (actually i decided i dowan this... disposable ones better.. no need to wash! :P
I shud start issuing common stock to all my frens who own little parts of my house.. hee~
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Serendipity
Remember that scene from Serendipity?
When Jonathan (male lead) was gonna get married, and suddenly all around him everybody is calling for, singing about, introducing themselves as "Sara". He thot, it's like the whole universe is reminding him and nudging him to go find her.
Well, not really like that, but i got reminded of that scene recently.
In a kinda ironic, cruelly funny way, everything around me is suddenly reminding me of bernard. i did tell some frens, and with a laugh too (so as not to get overly sentimental)...
I have a new boss... his mannerism n certain angles look like bernard. he has a very big client (whom we talk about alot and i talk to), called bernard. tomorrow i'm meeting a contact for curtains, this guy called bernard. yesterday at work some colleagues were discussing behind me something regarding their fren bernard. and today in the lift a girl was being teased by other colleagues about a guy called bernard.
funny, isn't it? sometimes you just quietly stand there, taking in things from around you, especially sensitive to a certain key word, phrase, scent, name... and no one knows the kinda emotions and nonsense going on inside you :P
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Oh... today i went to Harvey Norman at Millenia during lunchtime. and it felt quite... difficult...
After one of our first Sat training sessions, we had walked around Harvey Norman to check out mp3 players for me. and despite only knowing each other for like... a couple of weeks? As he was talking he addressed me affectionately as "girl".. which i had a very deep impression of... and some months later when i asked him, he din even realize~ i love that memory cos that address came out so naturally n sounded just right :o)
When Jonathan (male lead) was gonna get married, and suddenly all around him everybody is calling for, singing about, introducing themselves as "Sara". He thot, it's like the whole universe is reminding him and nudging him to go find her.
Well, not really like that, but i got reminded of that scene recently.
In a kinda ironic, cruelly funny way, everything around me is suddenly reminding me of bernard. i did tell some frens, and with a laugh too (so as not to get overly sentimental)...
I have a new boss... his mannerism n certain angles look like bernard. he has a very big client (whom we talk about alot and i talk to), called bernard. tomorrow i'm meeting a contact for curtains, this guy called bernard. yesterday at work some colleagues were discussing behind me something regarding their fren bernard. and today in the lift a girl was being teased by other colleagues about a guy called bernard.
funny, isn't it? sometimes you just quietly stand there, taking in things from around you, especially sensitive to a certain key word, phrase, scent, name... and no one knows the kinda emotions and nonsense going on inside you :P
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Oh... today i went to Harvey Norman at Millenia during lunchtime. and it felt quite... difficult...
After one of our first Sat training sessions, we had walked around Harvey Norman to check out mp3 players for me. and despite only knowing each other for like... a couple of weeks? As he was talking he addressed me affectionately as "girl".. which i had a very deep impression of... and some months later when i asked him, he din even realize~ i love that memory cos that address came out so naturally n sounded just right :o)
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Disappointments and letting go
Channel 5 had a travel feature on New Zealand tonight. i couldn't rush back in time to watch. but... just as well i missed it... it's probably gonna make me sad...
The movie, PS I Love You, seems to have affected me more deeply than i expected. since then, everything seems to have been going downhill. or maybe it's just bad timing.. to stir up those buried feelings. and last weekend i stayed home n watched My Sassy Girl. even that small part abt the letters at the end made me cry.
Work has been punishing. finances are looking kinda scary. renovations and errands for the house are taking up a lot of time n effort. day after day i'm rushing from one place to another, and not sleeping or eating well. i thot i'm more stable now, but i'm starting to miss bernard again, feel empty again... more n more. the journey is a lonely one, the pressure is getting to me. i'm tired, and i wish he's here to hold me.
i keep a lot of things, things of sentimental value. and when i lose things, i get very upset. but ever since i lost bernard, i've reacted to disappointments and losing things with a sense of quiet resignation. sometime mid-Jan, my phone suddenly spoilt. that means all the photos, videos, smses from bernard are gone. all my contacts are gone. i did back up smses from him, fortunately... and last week, my 7-year old palm decided to erase itself. this is really sad... cos i like to remember when things happen, and my memory's not too good :P 7 years worth of memories... and when i synched it with my computer, well, it erased the records on my palm desktop as well...
Crystal told me many times... all the times she's lost so many things of sentimental value, have taught her to let go. well... maybe it's time for me to learn to stop obsessing abt the past... and at the very least it taught me not to trust technology :P I'm getting myself a little (paper) notebook instead!
The movie, PS I Love You, seems to have affected me more deeply than i expected. since then, everything seems to have been going downhill. or maybe it's just bad timing.. to stir up those buried feelings. and last weekend i stayed home n watched My Sassy Girl. even that small part abt the letters at the end made me cry.
Work has been punishing. finances are looking kinda scary. renovations and errands for the house are taking up a lot of time n effort. day after day i'm rushing from one place to another, and not sleeping or eating well. i thot i'm more stable now, but i'm starting to miss bernard again, feel empty again... more n more. the journey is a lonely one, the pressure is getting to me. i'm tired, and i wish he's here to hold me.
i keep a lot of things, things of sentimental value. and when i lose things, i get very upset. but ever since i lost bernard, i've reacted to disappointments and losing things with a sense of quiet resignation. sometime mid-Jan, my phone suddenly spoilt. that means all the photos, videos, smses from bernard are gone. all my contacts are gone. i did back up smses from him, fortunately... and last week, my 7-year old palm decided to erase itself. this is really sad... cos i like to remember when things happen, and my memory's not too good :P 7 years worth of memories... and when i synched it with my computer, well, it erased the records on my palm desktop as well...
Crystal told me many times... all the times she's lost so many things of sentimental value, have taught her to let go. well... maybe it's time for me to learn to stop obsessing abt the past... and at the very least it taught me not to trust technology :P I'm getting myself a little (paper) notebook instead!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Some updates
Okie... since i'm at it now, might as well have some updates :P
I MIA-ed for so long cos, since the last i wrote in Dec, there's been many many changes, many many things to do... wah...
but i'm not gonna try writing about it, cos it's so complicated that it will be quite boring... heh
So, in short, i'm staying with Crystal temporarily, while waiting and preparing for the renovations for my place.
It TOP-ed sometime in Dec, but only got the keys in mid-Jan. Now doing ratification, which i gather to mean pointing out the defects and getting the developer's contractors to repair them to my satisfaction. heh. had to bring Hanglu and Weisoon there to help me look out for defects, cos i couldn't even see the cracks on the wall n dents on the door... and i guess it's nice to have company.
Now i'm busy shopping for furniture! and well... decisions decisions... one wld think it's easier to make decisions when there's just one person, when u can have everything ur way. but actually, i think it's not that easy to make big decisions all on my own.
Oh oh... i found a sofa that i absolutely love! and a daybed ^^ i think i'll order them tomorrow... hmm... maybe..? was telling Hanglu that i'm suffering from purchase intertia... like... after obsessing abt it for so long, izzit really like now? really really buy them like now now.. already? hee~
will come up with a wishlist soon :o)
I MIA-ed for so long cos, since the last i wrote in Dec, there's been many many changes, many many things to do... wah...
but i'm not gonna try writing about it, cos it's so complicated that it will be quite boring... heh
So, in short, i'm staying with Crystal temporarily, while waiting and preparing for the renovations for my place.
It TOP-ed sometime in Dec, but only got the keys in mid-Jan. Now doing ratification, which i gather to mean pointing out the defects and getting the developer's contractors to repair them to my satisfaction. heh. had to bring Hanglu and Weisoon there to help me look out for defects, cos i couldn't even see the cracks on the wall n dents on the door... and i guess it's nice to have company.
Now i'm busy shopping for furniture! and well... decisions decisions... one wld think it's easier to make decisions when there's just one person, when u can have everything ur way. but actually, i think it's not that easy to make big decisions all on my own.
Oh oh... i found a sofa that i absolutely love! and a daybed ^^ i think i'll order them tomorrow... hmm... maybe..? was telling Hanglu that i'm suffering from purchase intertia... like... after obsessing abt it for so long, izzit really like now? really really buy them like now now.. already? hee~
will come up with a wishlist soon :o)
P.S. I Love You
It is probably the most painfully sweet movie i've ever watched...
It came so close to reality... that it was almost like taking a trip back a couple of years, as i watched her journey thru her version of my life.
The movie's pretty good. well, tiring thou... considering i started crying about 10 min into the show, intermittently throughout, till abt 10 min before the show ended... :P The people on the other side of me must be thinking i'm mad~
It's been some time since i remember feeling this sad. while trying not to be too self-absorbed or melodramatic about it, the show does touch me in many ways, because it is very real. the main n supporting characters are portrayed in realistic angles, with strengths n weaknesses, not the typical perfect hollywood leads. she doesn't wake up, fall into some hunky stranger's arms and move on :P Not a perfect beginning, nor a perfect ending, but beautiful nevertheless. and i guess, in a way, the story does help me. maybe i like it cos i can relate to it. we all like stories that we can feel for, find similarities to our own experiences, and draw inspiration from.
abit about the film from the website:
"With Gerry's words as her guide, Holly embarks on a touching, exciting and often hilarious journey of rediscovery in a story about marriage, friendship and how a love so strong can turn the finality of death into a new beginning for life."
Have to borrow from the website... cos, instead of being overcome with inspiration as i usually would n write some fancy long thesis, this time my mind's quite blank. kinda dunno wat to say.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Journey to the past... on to find my future
One of hanglu's fave songs... one day it suddenly popped up in my head, and i thot.. how very true it feels for me at this moment, for various reasons...
Journey to the Past
Anastasia
Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear
Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
On this journey to the past
Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
Years of dreams just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
Finally home where I belong
Well starting here my life begins
Starting now, I'm learning fast
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
On this journey to the past
One step at a time
One hope then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was
On to find my future
Things my heart still needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign
Let this road be mine
Let it lead me to my past
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
To bring me home
At last
Journey to the Past
Anastasia
Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear
Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
On this journey to the past
Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
Years of dreams just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
Finally home where I belong
Well starting here my life begins
Starting now, I'm learning fast
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
On this journey to the past
One step at a time
One hope then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was
On to find my future
Things my heart still needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign
Let this road be mine
Let it lead me to my past
Courage see me through
Heart I trust in you
To bring me home
At last
Monday, December 10, 2007
Removing those marks
So much for telling all my frens recently how nicely i am moving on...
Five minutes before i woke up this morning, i dreamt of Bernard with such vividness that it shook me.... i can almost feel the saltiness of his skin.
We were jogging together, and after stopping, i sat down and examined the mud spots on my new running shoes, wondering how to remove them.
He taught me some quick tips and tricks. i looked at him for a moment, hugged him very tightly, and cried... pleading with him to please don't leave me... or else who would be there to teach me all those little things in future...
then i woke up.
Five minutes before i woke up this morning, i dreamt of Bernard with such vividness that it shook me.... i can almost feel the saltiness of his skin.
We were jogging together, and after stopping, i sat down and examined the mud spots on my new running shoes, wondering how to remove them.
He taught me some quick tips and tricks. i looked at him for a moment, hugged him very tightly, and cried... pleading with him to please don't leave me... or else who would be there to teach me all those little things in future...
then i woke up.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Part 3: Moving on with...
... the house!
it is expected to TOP in Dec 07! which is really soon! :D and to think i was really starting to lost hope... :,)
(the committed TOP is actually May 09)
went out with my sis today, and was pondering out loud how i am gonna manage two moves within a few months - cos my family is moving house in Dec 07/Jan 08 and i will move out once my place is ready, which i have no idea when. the developers and contractors were unable to give anything definite when i called to check some time ago.
so my sis said, why don't u ask someone? and i thot, ya maybe i shud call the lawyers again today. and so i did.
the lawyer said, oh incidentally we received a notice from the developers just today and need you to come sign some documents.
since i'm in the area, i went today. the developer had drawn down the last "column" before the TOP column!!! (see previous post "One more column!") AND together with the payment schedule was a letter that said, the expected TOP will be in or around December 2007!!!
it is in sight! finally and truly!
i had told Kris, rather sadly, that the best birthday present i wish to have is the keys to my place. convinced that it will not happen.
and now it might! well, at least i have a rough indication :o)
i immediately texted a few frens... that today is the happiest day in the past year and a half :)
3.jpg)
it is expected to TOP in Dec 07! which is really soon! :D and to think i was really starting to lost hope... :,)
(the committed TOP is actually May 09)
went out with my sis today, and was pondering out loud how i am gonna manage two moves within a few months - cos my family is moving house in Dec 07/Jan 08 and i will move out once my place is ready, which i have no idea when. the developers and contractors were unable to give anything definite when i called to check some time ago.
so my sis said, why don't u ask someone? and i thot, ya maybe i shud call the lawyers again today. and so i did.
the lawyer said, oh incidentally we received a notice from the developers just today and need you to come sign some documents.
since i'm in the area, i went today. the developer had drawn down the last "column" before the TOP column!!! (see previous post "One more column!") AND together with the payment schedule was a letter that said, the expected TOP will be in or around December 2007!!!
it is in sight! finally and truly!
i had told Kris, rather sadly, that the best birthday present i wish to have is the keys to my place. convinced that it will not happen.
and now it might! well, at least i have a rough indication :o)
i immediately texted a few frens... that today is the happiest day in the past year and a half :)
3.jpg)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Part 2: Letting go of...
A year and seven months past...
Finally, somewhere along the way (i'm not exactly sure when), i've become ok with letting people know without fear... fear of people seeing me differently, fear of being the subject of pity.
i guess at some point along the way, i have finally learnt to let go. let go of the pain, the guilt, the fear, the knots in my heart. people have told me from the start that one day i will wake up and realize that it doesn't hurt as much anymore, and obviously i couldn't imagine.
and this morning, i finally threw away the bouquet of rocher chocolates that bernard had given to me when he proposed. realizing that keeping tangible items is not symbolic of keeping him in my heart.
Finally, somewhere along the way (i'm not exactly sure when), i've become ok with letting people know without fear... fear of people seeing me differently, fear of being the subject of pity.
i guess at some point along the way, i have finally learnt to let go. let go of the pain, the guilt, the fear, the knots in my heart. people have told me from the start that one day i will wake up and realize that it doesn't hurt as much anymore, and obviously i couldn't imagine.
and this morning, i finally threw away the bouquet of rocher chocolates that bernard had given to me when he proposed. realizing that keeping tangible items is not symbolic of keeping him in my heart.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Part 1: Holding on to...
I read Hanglu's blog, and this struck me, "What is beautiful and blooming today will inevitably become a wilting flower tomorrow." It's true... life is transient. it reminds me of the song "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns.
Last night i tossed and turned, thinking of job, house, frens, life, what to wear tomorrow... heh :P
My room is in quite a mess, lots of stuff dumped in one corner or another. Actually i dunno where to put them cos to me these are waiting to be moved to my new house. Not that i am packing already (too early!) but i seem to have been collecting alot of stuff in anticipation of moving! And not to mention, not enough wardrobe space now :P
Bernard and i bought stuff here and there. we said we'd buy one art piece and one magnet from every country we travel to. and since then, i have continued doing this. Except for my recent trip to KL. i don't really want to remember KL.
I wondered, when people leave us, and there is nothing tangible to hold on to anymore, do we try to find substitutes?
I had obsessively collected, organized and kept memorabilia: photos represent our memories.. smses and emails represent his words.. perfume bottles represent his scent.. clothes represent his style..
It's silly, but sometimes i'd look back thru my palm schedule or smses to check... hmm so what did we do, what did he say to me this day 1, 2 years ago?
I burnt all the emails he had sent me into a cd. but i never did load them into my laptop again. will the cd spoil? should i print them all out? will i ever load the cd and open and read all the emails again? what is the symbolism of keeping the cd then? does it make a difference?
Last night i tossed and turned, thinking of job, house, frens, life, what to wear tomorrow... heh :P
My room is in quite a mess, lots of stuff dumped in one corner or another. Actually i dunno where to put them cos to me these are waiting to be moved to my new house. Not that i am packing already (too early!) but i seem to have been collecting alot of stuff in anticipation of moving! And not to mention, not enough wardrobe space now :P
Bernard and i bought stuff here and there. we said we'd buy one art piece and one magnet from every country we travel to. and since then, i have continued doing this. Except for my recent trip to KL. i don't really want to remember KL.
I wondered, when people leave us, and there is nothing tangible to hold on to anymore, do we try to find substitutes?
I had obsessively collected, organized and kept memorabilia: photos represent our memories.. smses and emails represent his words.. perfume bottles represent his scent.. clothes represent his style..
It's silly, but sometimes i'd look back thru my palm schedule or smses to check... hmm so what did we do, what did he say to me this day 1, 2 years ago?
I burnt all the emails he had sent me into a cd. but i never did load them into my laptop again. will the cd spoil? should i print them all out? will i ever load the cd and open and read all the emails again? what is the symbolism of keeping the cd then? does it make a difference?
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
心酸 xīn suān : definition : 内心悲痛
When i close my eyes i see him...
sometimes, i see someone whose gait resembles his, i smell the perfume he used when i first knew him (it's not a common scent, thank goodness!), and i feel such heartache.
one day, i was going down an escalator near my office, and saw a bunch of little children sitting around, probably on an excursion. one very cute little boy caught my eye. he was sitting there quietly, with those big, innocent and dreamy eyes. my heart skipped a beat (very painful i must say!) because he looked almost exactly like Bernard at that age.
the image of that little boy haunted me the whole day.
sometimes, i see someone whose gait resembles his, i smell the perfume he used when i first knew him (it's not a common scent, thank goodness!), and i feel such heartache.
one day, i was going down an escalator near my office, and saw a bunch of little children sitting around, probably on an excursion. one very cute little boy caught my eye. he was sitting there quietly, with those big, innocent and dreamy eyes. my heart skipped a beat (very painful i must say!) because he looked almost exactly like Bernard at that age.
the image of that little boy haunted me the whole day.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Baby Audrey's 2nd birthday
We celebrated baby Audrey's birthday today.
Actually, she's not a baby anymore, running around n exclaiming n basking in the limelight. how time flies.
Bernard loves her so much... he loves to play with her. it always gave me a warm feeling watching him sayang her :)
When i bought her birthday present, i thot, this is from your bernard shushu and grace yiyi... but of cos, you'd think i'm nuts. Right after the accident i must have also gone slightly mental from the trauma, i kept crying n wishing that bernard and i had a baby too so that i could still have a part of him by my side to hold...
Anyway, Audrey is a smart and cheeky little gal now. This is how she's grown over the past year:
June 2006
August 2006
October 2007
She happily went around distributing the cake to everybody, then proudly declared that the bigger portion of the cake is for herself :) Lots of new toys and clothes (including the one that's a wee bit too small... i'm so bad at estimation :P)
Actually, she's not a baby anymore, running around n exclaiming n basking in the limelight. how time flies.
Bernard loves her so much... he loves to play with her. it always gave me a warm feeling watching him sayang her :)
When i bought her birthday present, i thot, this is from your bernard shushu and grace yiyi... but of cos, you'd think i'm nuts. Right after the accident i must have also gone slightly mental from the trauma, i kept crying n wishing that bernard and i had a baby too so that i could still have a part of him by my side to hold...
Anyway, Audrey is a smart and cheeky little gal now. This is how she's grown over the past year:
June 2006
August 2006
October 2007
She happily went around distributing the cake to everybody, then proudly declared that the bigger portion of the cake is for herself :) Lots of new toys and clothes (including the one that's a wee bit too small... i'm so bad at estimation :P)
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Aotearoa, The Land of the Long White Cloud
I was reading the news this morning about the eruption of Mount Ruapehu in New Zealand, and for a moment i forgot... i nearly forwarded the article to Bernard.
Mount Ruapehu
En route to Taupo, we drove thru the desert with spectacular views of the three volcanoes - Mount Tongariro, Mount Ngauruhoe and Mount Ruapehu. My fave is the beautiful cone-shaped Ngauruhoe, which was used as Mount Doom in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. Ruapehu was Mordor, i think.
Some of the smaller peaks of Ruapehu that were used as Mordor
It was a gorgeous drive (albeit slightly scary. we learnt to take speed limits seriously. 25kph MEANS 25kph!), winding through tight narrow roads before hitting a vast expanse of desert. At which point, we were joined by several military trucks marked with a huge "mortar" word behind each one. Bernard joked that we shud try to get further away from them cos it looks so dangerous. We overtook them, but time and again they reappeared... Being the playful n drama guy, bernard started weaving stories of how they are stalking us, and thou it may seem silly, he does make the long drives really entertaining. Anyway, we deduced that they were heading towards Waiouru, a military town.
After crossing the desert, we reached the south end of Lake Taupo, a breathtakingly scenic n peaceful lake that lies in a caldera created by a huge volcanic eruption eons ago. According to NZ tourism magazines, Lake Taupo is approximately the size of Singapore!
We dined alfresco by the lake as the sun set (when bernard abandoned me for a good part of an hour as he went to take photos of the sunset). He also spoke with an elderly couple who had moved to Taupo for their retirement. We decided that we'd also plan to retire in New Zealand. Although staying in a volcano crater sounds a little adventuresome to me... We even opened a NZD account.
I really really love New Zealand. There's so much natural beauty and wonder... so much i still want to see and do. But then, perhaps some part of this strong feeling is because of how bernard made me feel. Perhaps it is because i was there with him. Now, i'm not sure if i'll ever go back. because my memories of New Zealand and my whole experience is so inextricably linked to Bernard.
Btw, three things that we love n i can't find outside of NZ - Speight's ale, Allan Scott wine and hokey pokey ice cream - please tell me if you ever see them :)
Mount Ruapehu
En route to Taupo, we drove thru the desert with spectacular views of the three volcanoes - Mount Tongariro, Mount Ngauruhoe and Mount Ruapehu. My fave is the beautiful cone-shaped Ngauruhoe, which was used as Mount Doom in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. Ruapehu was Mordor, i think.
Some of the smaller peaks of Ruapehu that were used as Mordor
It was a gorgeous drive (albeit slightly scary. we learnt to take speed limits seriously. 25kph MEANS 25kph!), winding through tight narrow roads before hitting a vast expanse of desert. At which point, we were joined by several military trucks marked with a huge "mortar" word behind each one. Bernard joked that we shud try to get further away from them cos it looks so dangerous. We overtook them, but time and again they reappeared... Being the playful n drama guy, bernard started weaving stories of how they are stalking us, and thou it may seem silly, he does make the long drives really entertaining. Anyway, we deduced that they were heading towards Waiouru, a military town.
After crossing the desert, we reached the south end of Lake Taupo, a breathtakingly scenic n peaceful lake that lies in a caldera created by a huge volcanic eruption eons ago. According to NZ tourism magazines, Lake Taupo is approximately the size of Singapore!
We dined alfresco by the lake as the sun set (when bernard abandoned me for a good part of an hour as he went to take photos of the sunset). He also spoke with an elderly couple who had moved to Taupo for their retirement. We decided that we'd also plan to retire in New Zealand. Although staying in a volcano crater sounds a little adventuresome to me... We even opened a NZD account.
I really really love New Zealand. There's so much natural beauty and wonder... so much i still want to see and do. But then, perhaps some part of this strong feeling is because of how bernard made me feel. Perhaps it is because i was there with him. Now, i'm not sure if i'll ever go back. because my memories of New Zealand and my whole experience is so inextricably linked to Bernard.
Btw, three things that we love n i can't find outside of NZ - Speight's ale, Allan Scott wine and hokey pokey ice cream - please tell me if you ever see them :)
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