In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
- Robert Frost

Today i went to the columbarium. on a little card stuck at the side of the niche, this poem reads:

The Broken Chain
We knew little that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, in death
we do the same. It broke our hearts
to lose you, you did not go alone;
for part of us went with you, the
day God called you home. You left us
peaceful memories, your love is still
our guide; and though we cannot see
you, you are always at our side. Our
family chain is broken, and nothing
seems the same; but as God calls
us one by one, the chain will link again.
As i read it, and busied myself by cutting the stems of three white roses, tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks. it was beautiful... and heartbreaking.

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As i walked home today, i thought, i feel like giving up. two years on, it felt like i took two steps forward, and now, one step back.

i am really trying very hard at work to do my best... and last friday, when i again told my boss that it's ok, i'm coping ok, she replied, "no it's not ok. you can be putting in late nights till 8, 9pm, but i'm not getting what i want. it's not ok!" and to me, who expects nothing but the best from myself, i felt like such a disappointment.

and... for a brief while, i went out with this guy. i kinda liked him. and i was quite happie. but by and by, i became miserable, thinking of and missing Bernard, and listing down all the reasons why it just won't work...

and then i asked Ivan, is it silly to try to fulfil a vision, dream, that i shared with someone who's not here anymore? why am i so adament about some of the design features?

it seems like i'm trying so hard at work, in life, socially, financially, emotionally, but it's just not good enough.

my dear frens have been very encouraging and supportive. sometimes i think it is like they were taking "shifts" to take care of me, as i am handed from one loving hand to another as they try to be with me even as they have so much to do. they thot for me all the time. Xiuling n Ah Long spent Sat morning helping me move two bulky mattresses. Hanglu always buys me gummies to cheer me up.. n got WS to buy me dri-fits for our Nepal trip. She n Kris took care of all the logistics n details. They ran errands with me, listened to me, helped me along in both practical ways as well as emotionally. with that thought, i feel so bad if i were to disappoint them... by dragging my feet along.

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OKIE enuff whining... i just had to get it off my chest :o)

the house is taking shape very nicely. the lights and paint colours are beautiful. the study is painted a sweet sweet pink! hee~ the rest of the house is modern n cosy - cool greys n browns, so i thot it'll be pretty to have a happie colour in one of the rooms :)

It actually feels quite surreal...

oh i haven't posted any pictures yet! here's some :)

Me opening the door for the first time ^_^





it is a very involved process... not easy having to make all the decisions on my own (like paint colours n lights n curtains), but it is all the more special cos i saw it thru every single little detail, every step of the way.

i ordered 4 dining chairs yesterday and the salesman must have looked at me n Kris n thot we looked frail or smtg; he offered us free delivery :o) the book shelves from Ikea were delivered today (now lying on the floor cos i refused to pay for installation, but i'm thinking they might construct themselves magically). and a vacuum cleaner appeared at Crystal's house today, bot by the gals for me! Thank you Keryn, Diaz, LianZ n GraceL! their affectionate way of welcoming me to the world of household chores hehe...

let's see.. what else? i'm gonna buy fridge, washing machine n towel rails next weekend, the sofa n bed will be delivered week after next, and it sounds like we're almost done!!