Dreaming of you...

These are a few dreams that i remember quite clearly...

Last night in HK

On my last night in HK, i dreamt of Bernard.

I dreamt that he came back for a while... i hugged him and told him many things, which i can't remember now. In the middle of the dream, i woke up cos i needed to use the toilet. When i woke up, i knew that my time with him was up, and my last thot was wondering whether i told him that i miss him terribly...

I tried to re-dream the dream, if u know what i mean... but i couldn't...

I have a problem with remembering my dreams. But this time, even thou waking up meant my dream was interrupted, it also meant that i can remember it more clearly.

Back from the States

The first night i was back from America, i dreamt of him. I dreamt that he was sitting in the living room, and i was invisible to him. I found it highly amusing to jump around the room and disturb him, poking him and stuff. He got irritated and tried to throw things in my direction. Then i hopped over to him and kissed him, and we both laughed... what a strange dream.

I woke up and cried my heart out.

Soon after it happened

One of my more painful dreams, but also the most vivid.

I dreamt that i was with a fren, and we were shopping around for interior designers for my home. This designer came up with two designs, and he built the 3D models in two boxes. I peered into the first box; it looked ugly, full of splotches of clashing colours. Disappointed, i asked my fren how the second one was. She told me it was quite nice, and passed the box to me.

I looked inside, and at first glance, thot it looked rather nice and zen. But upon closer scrutiny, i realized that it was the crematorium hall... and i was looking up the wood-panelled walls at the high ceiling... i cried to her, no no it cannot be, how can this be nice??

Back again...

I'm back from a short holiday in Hong Kong. In total, i've travelled for 22 days, and have taken a full month of unpaid leave for that (plus some extra days to recover from jet-lag!)

The places i went to, incidentally, are places that Bernard and i have planned for this year and next year. This year, he intended to use the travel vouchers he earned to bring us to HK. The idea was to take several short trips this year instead of a long one so that we can save up for our home. Next year, our plan for block leave was to travel the east coast of the US...

Frens tell me i'm lucky to be on leave, to travel so far and wide... but what is lucky? Will i still be considered lucky, if i told them i'd rather give up everything i have to have Bernard back? I'd rather not be so "lucky" to go on long holidays, if all these have not happened.

However, i know this is an unfair retort, cos there's nothing they can say to that. I know they mean well, and no one wants this to happen. Given that it can't be undone, i do realize that i have been blessed in many other ways. Not everyone, when faced with a painful setback in life, can afford the time and resources to leave everything behind like this.

Count your blessings... a cliche, an often-used phrase, but true.

I've been blessed with Pris who brought me away on such a long holiday, yet not needing to pay for accommodation at all.
I've been blessed with Crystal, who went with me to HK (this short holiday helped me out of a bad "withdrawal" after the US trip). She's like a big sister to me, counselling me, helping me to get my life in order again, letting me stay over with her...
I've been blessed with a supportive family, who are there when i cry and silently stood by me when i just don't want to talk.
I've been blessed with enough resources to go away and spend as i wish.
I've been blessed with a company that granted me such a long leave, colleagues who rally around me, and even people i don't know who pray for me.

I've been blessed with the experience of true love. So short, but so very sweet...

Taking a break

I'm back from a long holiday in the US. Went with Pris to visit her sisters. It was a good break - interesting places to see, new environment, fun and happy times with great company. I thank God for granting us this timely vacation, to be away to just relax and recover from those exhausting few months. Also very grateful to Pris and her family for warmly welcoming me, and showing me so much care. It was something I looked forward to, and it kept me going day after day.


But as with all good times, this too had to end.

Bernard used to assure me that I need not worry when our holidays or weekends came to an end, for there will still be so much so much more to look forward to... many more exciting weekends, adventurous holidays, as we build our treasure trove of memories. The day after we came back from New Zealand, we lay in bed, side by side, and laughed the whole day. I dunno what was so funny... everytime we stopped laughing and glanced at each other, we'd burst into laughter again. I guess we were just... happy. There's no explanation needed for being happy.

As the plane took off, the lights of New York faded through the raindrop-stained windows. Tears rolled down my face as the heaviness of reality weighed upon me again. And this song played over my headset...

Tears In Heaven
Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I miss him so much... there's so much I want to tell him, so much I want to share with him.

When I stood on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building, I wished I could share the view with him. I wondered, is there a view from heaven?
As I waited in queue to buy stamps for postcards, I thought, how nice it'd be if I can send a postcard to heaven...

All these will have to wait, until I meet him in heaven again...

Will you marry me?

He had already bought the ring many months ago. He spent many late nights planning for this surprise. It was the most beautiful proposal...

Under a blanket of stars, with a table laid out for just the two of us, complete with our fave wine from NZ. A huge bouquet of roses and chocolates, a collection of my fave photos of him, a lovely solitaire that sparkles like his eyes...
With that, he asked me to let him take care of me all his life...

* * *

Bernard knew that i love the idea of water cottages. I showed him a picture of my dream destination - a resort in Maldives.

At Adex, i actually pointed out a picture of the resort in Sipadan that he had already booked for us, and marvelled at how beautiful it looked. He just smiled and didn't say anything, and steered me away. I don't really remember that moment, he only told me about it later when we were at the resort. He said, i looked a little disappointed at his disinterest, and it was so hard for him to contain his excitement about the surprise.

The resort was like paradise. Everything was perfect. The water cottage was breezy and very private, with a bath tub that overlooks the clear water. The wide, wooden window panels in the bedroom opens out to a tranquil view of the sparkling turquoise sea. He sat on the porch, as i leaned over the railing and gleefully sang (off-key) "Amazing Grace".



At that time, i'd never have imagined that the next time i sang Amazing Grace, wld be as the cortege moves off...

My prayer for you...

We used to always pray for each other...

Now, as i close my eyes in prayer every night, i pray for God to give me strength and fill my heart with His love. Then i wonder how to pray for bernard. What do i pray for, where do i even start?

The guy that i mentioned earlier, who also lost his loved ones... When he was sharing with me, i asked him how he prays for his wife and child. He told me, he gives thanks that they are well with God now...

But i thot to myself... selfishly, all i ever want is for bernard to stay by my side. No matter how wonderful heaven is (i can't imagine), the reality is, i'm still here. All i wish for is that he is here to walk with me thru all the days of our lives... so how do i even begin to pray?

Tong Hua - our song

Why is Tong Hua our song?

I can't really pinpoint it to a single moment when we decided on that.
Maybe it started with him taking part in the Celeb Look-Alike contest (Guang Liang), or maybe we both just like the song alot.
Or it might be because one day, when i was holding him, i whispered to him, "baby you're my angel".

And that became a part of our love story, cos we both kinda like the idea. He likes it cos i always tell him that he's like my angel, always protecting me and loving me. And to me, he's just perfect. His weaknesses are all part of him, the bernard that i love. I told him, without those little "weaknesses", he just won't be him... so, i love him just the way he is. And he loves me the same too... even for my stubbornness, wilfulness, strong opinions n fiery temper.

Redang
The most significant incident about this song Tong Hua was during our trip to Redang last year. One morning we woke up, and i was feeling a little grouchy. I can't remember wat i said, or maybe it was because i didn't say a thing, that upset him. And we both became upset with each other. (Things always sound so trivial when you think back...)

As he lay in bed and i busied myself with washing up etc, we refused to talk to each other. In the end, i sat beside him and tried to nudge him but he ignored me. Suddenly, a strong n well-loved tune broke the silence, it was Tong Hua. We looked at each other in surprise and smiled (i mean, we were in a little island in Malaysia! how random...), and all the unpleasantness of the past few minutes melted away. To us, it was like a little sign, reminding us to put aside our pride, and remember wat is really important.




The Summer Mo Mo Cha house; Our feet in the clear water
Oh yes, almost forgot to explain how come Tong Hua was playing. There was two gals staying in the chalet next to us, and the wooden walls were not exactly sound-proof... so, they just decided at that point to blast the song on their CD/MP3 player or smtg :)

In life, we should...

Swim in the seas...


A beautiful holiday in the island paradise of Redang, where we held each other in chest-deep water, and calling the little fishes as his witnesses, he proudly proclaimed his love for me... (drama, i noe!!)

Fly in the sky...


Our proudest and most exhilarating moment, as we leapt off the little plane 12,000 ft over the magnificent Lake Taupo, NZ. (To be honest, for me it wasn't "leapt off", it was "shoved off".)

Actually, i was a little nervous, and was the last to get on the plane (after bernard). I didn't realize then, that it meant i was going to be the first off the plane! But being the first is better, you don't watch other people falling off the plane and get more nervous.
Bernard said to me after the dive, "When i saw u fall off the plane [reaching his hands out to indicate despair], my heart really sank! and i was like... baby!!??"

Flying high above the clouds, the view was breathtaking. At the horizon where the sea meets the sky, we could see the curve of the globe. When we landed, shaking from excitement and adrenaline, we hugged and jumped for joy as we did it!! Words really can't express the "high" of this experience...

And climb the highest mountains...


Well i suppose Mt Ophir isn't THE highest mountain, but high enough to be challenging for sedentary city dwellers like us :)
----------------------------

When Hanglu told me this quote (i think it's her own quote!), i thot... this describes our lives together pretty well.

Truly, life is not about owning the biggest mansion, driving the flashiest car, or climbing to the top of the corporate ladder. Each day to us was a collection of precious memories and experiences, that drew us closer as we learnt more about each other and ourselves.

Adding on to her quote, i would say, in life, one should always give and receive love.

~New Zealand~

"New Zealand... Trulyyy Asiaaa..."
sang bernard happily all the time when we were anticipating our holiday. (It's pointless tryin to convince him that NZ is not Asia, he just likes the jingle.)

Somewhere early last year, i decided i wanted to go NZ. While still getting to know each other, he tried to sell me the idea that he is the best travel companion one can have. True to the fantastic RM he is, (the best, in fact!) he convinced me that his travel concepts and styles are very similar to mine, and promised that it will be a most wonderful holiday. So can he come with me pleeease???

Anyway, of cos i agreed; we were an item shortly after :)

Oct approached, and he told me, "don't worry, leave everything to me", so i did. He always pampers me.

When we were on the flight to NZ, he (strangely) indicated that i shud perhaps take a look at the safety instructions in the pocket in front. The usual blur me took very long and many prompts to realize that there was a set of papers stuffed in the pocket. I retrieved it, and to my surprise, it was a detailed itinerary of what we were going to do for our 2-week holiday! The heading "New Zealand, Truly Asia!" (of cos...) sat atop the page, that contained daily commentaries, driving times, activities, addresses, etc...!! It was so well-planned and well-research *touched* To me this ranks as one of the best gifts he gave me. We spent so much time together (even when we were not together we chatted for hours on the phone) that i really wondered where he found the time to do all these without me knowing!

Our adventures:

Hot-air ballooning at Christchurch

Horseback riding in Middle Earth!!!

Jetboating

Glacier walking - Franz Joseph Glacier

The Ultimate - Skydiving @ Taupo!!

Cooking dinner (i think can consider this an adventure as well)
He ate wat i cooked, and i ate wat he cooked. So... dunno which is better ;)

Arty shot - Reflection of Wellington in my shades.

* * *

We both fell in love with NZ. Loved all the outdoor activities, the scenery, the people, the peace. In particular, we love the South Island.
While driving to Queenstown from Glenorchy, we stopped for lunch along the road, and chanced upon our very own Paradise. So quiet, so still, that no ripples broke the calmness of the water, a perfect reflection of the sky.

Our dream is to retire in NZ, beside the gorgeous Lake Wanaka.

A moment to remember...

Today, a colleague told me that at the prelims of the Company-wide soccer match last weekend, the team representing our Business Unit observed a minute of silence in memory of bernard before commencing the match.

I'm very touched. Thanks for remembering...

* * *

The evening before we left, bernard participated in an internal soccer match. He knew that i was very busy with preparations for audit, and told me it's ok, dun have to go and watch. But i knew my being there means a lot to him, after all, last year when i was in the organizing committee for staff events, he participated in almost all the events to give me his support.

So, i told my supervisor i really had to go off early and rushed over in a cab. (I wld tell her later on, that this is exactly what i mean when i told her ever so often what our priorities should be, cos in the end, one will never regret having spent too little time at work n too much with loved ones.)

He was amazing (to me, at least). He tried to do some scissors kick thing :) and landed hard on the ground.. wah when i saw him fall my heart sank... According to another soccer player, apparently it is very normal and not painful n i shouldn't be too concerned abt it.
Anyway, bernard scored the only goal! *yay* :)
He was very proud. I'm proud of him too..

Fragile life

In some ways, Bernard and i have always been conscious of our own mortality. Perhaps it's because we feel so lucky to have found each other, that we're a little afraid to lose each other. We are convinced that at every point, every decision made served to lead our paths to converge.

There's no "i wish we met earlier", cos we knew that it was the perfect time, when we were both ready for a mature n responsible relationship. Our experiences, both good and not-so-good, made us the persons we are now, so dear to each other. Who knows, if we had met earlier, we might have spoilt our own chances.

Looking back, it helps that we have discussed a little about death...
We talked about what we'll each do if we only had one month to live. He said, "i will bring you to new zealand, and we will spend our time there enjoying the beautiful scenery and quality time together. Just before the one month is up, i will send you back home to singapore first, and i'll continue to write to you everyday. Then... i will prepare a stack of letters to be sent to you regularly, after i die..."
After he told me this, i could feel a very real, very awful sense of loss, and crying, i told him never to say such things again, and to promise me that we will be together, always.. always...

Last Oct, while traveling in new zealand, there was an incident that shook me quite badly. We had parked our car along the side of a busy road (running straight thru the town), and was getting out to enjoy the spectacular lake view. As he stood beside the door to lock it, he leaned slightly in towards the car, just seconds before a huge truck rushed by inches from him. I looked on in horror and shock just as it dawned upon both of us that he could have been knocked down. I could not imagine if he had taken a step back instead....
In his usual way, he smiled and assured me that everything was alright... "Look, i'm ok! i'm here baby.." I was distraught... but so very, very thankful. Since then, everytime i gazed at him and had flashbacks of that incident, i thanked God for His mercy, and told myself to love and appreciate bernard more and more everyday.

Sometime more recently, he told me, out of the blue, that in future when we grow old together, he wants me to die first. I was kinda taken aback initially, and asked him why. He said, he doesn't want me to suffer from the grief if he dies ahead of me, he doesn't want me to be heartbroken. So, he'd rather i die first, then he will join me later... Sounds morbid i know, but it touched me deeply, cos this is the most selfless and purest form of love i've ever seen, that anyone can even think of giving.

On Jun 1, exactly a month after our self-declared, "official" anniversary, i found out from his colleague that he had bought 2 spa vouchers from her, on the morning we left for our trip. He said to her, "I want to give her on her birthday.. she liked it because last year I gave her one."

It was his gift to me, for my birthday this year, which is in December.

The last moment

Today i met with a guy who had gone thru a similar loss.

During our conversation, i told him that i'm worried for how bernard must have felt, cos i can now imagine how i will feel at the very last moment before i die. I'm not afraid to die, but i will feel very, very sad, cos i noe that the family and close frens that i leave behind will be heartbroken.

And the day that i see God, the first question i will ask Him is "Why??"

With reference to Job, he told me that although we can't imagine it now, when we see God, we will be so awed by His presence that we will simply trust that He can and will take good care of the loved ones we leave behind.


Pris assured me that Jesus was right there with him, holding him close at that very moment...

Choices

The day one of us died - one dream shattered, but two hearts remained. His love and his heart remains with me.

The only times i feel my eyes light up and my face brighten are when i'm showing our beautiful photos to frens.

At times when the pain seems too much to bear, i reflect upon our good times together, and i can feel his heart cushioning mine, his love helping me go on.


His life was a testimony to many. His optimism, his cheer, selfless giving of his love and care. I can either wallow in my waves of misery, or live on my life the way he did, the way he wants me to, in honour of his. I choose the 2nd.

Having said that, it doesn't mean i dun feel the pain anymore. No one can truly understand the extent of my pain. But also, i dun think anyone can fully appreciate the depth of our love for each other.. The ability to carry on despite the pain does not in any way understate my love for him.

Of cos, God is helping me thru. So are my dear frens.. thanks for being there *hugs*

Witnessing our lives

Of cos, immediately after the accident, my own thoughts and feelings occupied my whole consciousness (and subconsciousness), i can hardly bear the pain. I lost so much weight in such a short span of a few days, i sometimes wondered how much more pain my physical body can withstand. i can't stop thinking and talking abt him or abt my thoughts to the frens who are seeing me thru this dark valley.

But as i read the story from the eyes of someone who is close, who cares and worries very much but feels helpless what she can really do abt wat cannot be undone, i started to understand the pain and stress of the frens who are tryin to be strong for me.

Here are my frens who receive lengthy, painful smses at odd hours from me, and have to think long and hard how to reply... who sit with me while i cry my heart out and cry together with me, who try to be cheerful while talking to someone whose eyes start to glaze over and lose track of things and time, who put aside other plans whenever i call. Especially this fren, who probably got quite a rude shock when she received an email from me with an attachment detailing what to do if i suddenly die, and having to share my heavy heart and guard it safely (both heart and attachment!)

i read and re-read the email and remembered a lot of things that i'd almost forgot.. agreements, pacts, jokes between us. We even lost track of each other's lives for some years. As we grew up, we started picking up where we left off, and getting really excited about the future. It was a time where we could see and feel, almost for real, the next big chapter of each other's lives. I wanted her to know bernard, for i knew for sure that he is the one. i never before felt so proud and happy abt these "meet-the-frens" sessions.

i didn't know why i felt so strongly about bernard meeting all my close frens. i didn't know why Hanglu wld always bring Weisoon along for dinner with me. Now i understand. This man sitting beside my best fren, gently caressing her hair, is the man who will take over and protect and love her all their lives. The love they share is such an important part of her life, and she is asking me to witness her life and her love. I now understand that it is not just dinner, it is getting to know this man i am entrusting her heart to. And remembering the little gestures between them, the exact gestures i've asked her to remember about bernard and me.

Thru my best fren's eyes...

This is my story, told from my best fren's perspective. Touching and true.

I still have difficulty recounting the events of the day, or what i knew of it. So, what Hanglu wrote is basically what people need to know, nothing more, nothing less.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Harng Luh Sin
Date: Jun 4, 2006 1:51 AM
Subject: Something to share...

Heyos....

It's been a long while since I sent out such personally written mass mails to people - stuff that's not forwarded or arranging for some dinner or something. But anyhows.. I just came back from my holiday in Indonesia and I thought I'm ready to say this... Just something I wanted to share....

Some weeks back, a little more than a month ago... My best friend's fiance died in a diving accident off Sipadan. Some of u know coz I told u, some of u might have seen the papers. The facts on the papers are not too accurate... but nevertheless they got the gist of it all - Someone died while diving.. n until today I still wish it wasn't so.. but that person is my best friend's fiance.

His name is Bernard.. I saw him a couple of times. I never quite knew him very well personally, but each time I saw him.. he was earnest, kind, patient, and had this endearing smile. I never quite thought I needed to get to know him very well, I always thought I'll know him eventually as time passes, coz I thought he'll live out his whole life with my friend, Grace. I thought I'll get to know him better when I help out with their wedding, or when I baby sit their babies, or when my n Grace's children grow up together as god-siblings as I always thought they will since we were in Secondary school. I was never in a hurry to get to know him, and was just contented to know that he was the man who gave my best friend so much happiness. I had a confidence about him that I got from Grace... I believed he was the one coz after so many years of friendship with Grace, I could just see it when she's found the one for her.

We were always teasing each other - who'll get married first? Has he popped the question? Will I get to be her bride's maid, or will she get to be mine? Those memories... on hindsight - so bitter sweet.

And then suddenly I received an sms. Which made me trunk call her back in such dreadful fear and worry. She said he's dead. But how can it be? It cannot be - I told myself over and over again. It cannot cannot be.

But it is true. No matter how hard I wished hoped and prayed for my friend and for her fiance, nothing is going to reverse this hard and difficult fact. He is gone, safely in the hands of God, but no longer within our sight or touch for as long as our lives may be.

I stayed with her throughout the wake - I didn't stand strong for her, coz I was only good for crying with her. In the end I got to know Bernard so well... thru his family, thru Grace, thru his colleagues and friends who came. I saw Grace go through this all. So torn, so pained, so empty. Her fingertips gingerly touching the edges of his casket, her eyes filled with such loving and longing. Those eyes looking so lost and uncertain every morning when we wake, only to be filled by tears once again when she tells me of how he would sms her something sweet every morning, make her toast with butter n sugar... All these times clutching the pyjamas he last wore.

I didn't know what to do... I could only pray every every night... "God, fill her with a little bit more peace and a little bit more of Your love, so she can wake up one day and not face the day wanting to cry in pain"

This may seem depressing, sad n heavy. And I never quite wanted to or knew how to tell people of what happened. But this story I realised I wanted to share. Death - it happens to everyone, it will happen to all of us someday. And when that day comes, I hope I can face death straight in the face and with a smile. But before that time, I hope all of us live today and everyday in cheer and contentment. In hope and faith. Because u never get a second chance on what u'll do on ur very last day in this world, and most likely - u'll never know it's the last anyway. Sometimes I think about it, I think about what I knew of Bernard after he's gone. And how everyone told me he's the type who'll live life to the fullest, and be kind and sincere to everyone he knows. Grace told me, he says he never forgets the face of a person he met, because he takes care to remember, he thinks it's important to remember.

And then I think, how many of us live life this way? How do we all treat the people who are close and dear to us? Do we always let life pass us by without doing what we really want to do? Without contentment, always thinking of something better, an alternate reality where everything's perfect. If there's that alternate reality, why do we simply talk about it n never truly try to reach for it? How many times and how seriously must u be shaken before we wake up to realise that we only live life once and we should live it with no regrets?

I tried to talk about this in the first Spanish class I went to after the whole funeral. I said: "Yo pienso, la vida es muy transitorio. El no pudo proteger ella por el resto de la vida, pero el protegio ella por el resto de su vida. Y yo pienso, el desearia nos decir a vivir un vida a su mas lleno, y vivir todos los dias como el ultimo" [in english: I think, life is very transient. He could not protect her for the rest of her life, but he protected her for the rest of his. And I think, Bernard wished to tell us to live a life to your fullest, and live everyday like it's the last]. But it never quite got through coz I broke down and starting crying. I said it in such a shaky voice I don't think anyone but my teacher got it.

I know this true story is hard to swallow. But it's precisely because it is so difficult that I wanted to share it with all of u. Please, for a moment try to imagine what it really means to lost someone so dear and precious, and in that moment try to understand and take home a message from a pain I hope no one needs to go through.

And then the other day as I was on the boat on my way to a dive-site at Lombok... (yes, my holiday to indonesia included quite alot of diving despite what just happened). It was early morning and the sea was so calm it was like a flat screen reflecting the sun over the horizon. So calm that from a distance I thought I saw something hovering in the sky only to realise later that it was a fishing boat on the seas. That morning I began to think this way - He left us in the seas, but now he's in the skies... (sky = heaven in spanish). There must be a greater reason why he was taken away, tho I may not be equipped to understand why for perhaps as long as I lived. But it wasn't unfair or unjust or a tragedy or misfortune. A sense of gratitude, I felt that since the 2nd day of the wake. A sense of gratitude for the wonders and love he had brought to so many lives, especially to Grace's life. A Christian music teacher from Vienna once told me when I met him while backpacking in Rome, "in life the most important thing is to be a blessing to the people around you". I think Bernard was such a blessing, and I hope all of u are or will be.

Love,
Harng Luh

A Fairytale Romance

I have just completed a scrapbook that took over a month, a gift of love from me to the family i was to be part of.


Now is the time for me to share with all of you, the kind of pure and true love that Bernard and I have for each other. Instead of withdrawing from the world or trying to forget this darkest and most trying time of my life, my love for him is so deep that despite my pain, i just want to honour n treasure my memory of him, to celebrate his life, and reach out to his frens out there...

This is the last year of his life, a year filled with simple happiness, important milestones, and so much love. We lived more years in the one year we had together than many people. Much as it hurts for me to pick up the pieces of my life now, to gather up and carefully store away all those shattered dreams, i am glad for many things...

I am glad that in our time together, bernard has found the purpose in his life, looked forward to each day with such excitement, dreamt many dreams, and worked hard towards fulfilling them. We enjoyed the shyness of our courtship, the blessings of finding such a right fit, our passion for each other, the rush of adventure in our new experiences... The nitty-gritties of planning our joint investments and finances, the uncertainty of balloting for a flat, the thrill of finding our dream home and putting a check for it within a single day(!!)... the fun of shopping for a car (and bidding for our number!), the discussions from politics to parenting, the comfort of being at home, the silliness of a simple love.
Above all, we experienced the joy of a Christ-centered relationship...

We told each other how much we love and appreciate each other every day. We compliment and assure each other, respect and protect each other. Every moment was a beautiful moment to treasure. We fought, of cos, but we recognized that thru it our bond is strengthened. It is by living our lives with so much passion that he leaves me with no regrets and nothing left unsaid.

I am glad that we happened to each other... I'm glad that we'd helped each other live out many, if not all, of our dreams...
Baby, you are a gift from God. If i'd known that in the end i'll be suffering so much grief, i'll still have chosen to know you and love you.

This is our life. This is the joy we brought to each other.
What more can i ask for?

You asked me, if you had only one month to live, wat would i do?
I told you, without a doubt and without any hesitation, that i will marry you.

leia's journey : In a better place

Hanglu's blog is restricted, so i'll post what she wrote about us here...

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In a better place

It's been a long week... so much has happened.. I stood next to Grace.. and saw how many times her world came crumbing down and how she picked up all the pieces and with such strength built them back together.. All the memories of Bernard I saw.. mostly from Grace, but some from Raymond n Xianghe (2nd brother n sis-in-law), Melvin, Lynn n Audrey (oldest brother n sis-in-law n their kid)... Even from his parents, n grace's parents too..

At times I wonder.. why? why does this all have to happen.. in those times i feel myself desperately reaching out to hold on to something.. something i know i cannot hold on to - time and him. If even I feel so, how does Grace feel? I cannot even begin to comprehend.. Yet Grace.. even in her lowest moment.. said this to me, "hang, i hope u never have to understand how this feels like". Adversity makes the best of mankind.. But Grace.. even at her lowest most painful times showed me her beauty.

So many times I hugged her and cried.. not knowing what else I could do...
when I first saw her on wednesday, she was staring at his coffin and watching them unwrap the packaging and setting up the area... She said... they pasted on the box, "fragile, this way up". Like he was an object she said. When I first saw him he was paler.. not much make up after embalming.. I thought that looked more natural...

And those times I saw Grace looking down at him with such longing and loving eyes. I saw her lingering around his coffin, touching its edges at her fingertips n speaking silently to him... Telling him she had brought him safely home, that they will meet again in heaven, that he didn't have to wait for long for one day in heaven was a year in earth. Those times I saw her... I almost cry everytime..

It was the perfect love story.. the things she told me that I can't and won't repeat here. The perfect holiday, the perfect resort of her dreams.. water cottages, beautiful sunsets and starry starry nights. His elaborate proposal the night before..

Yesterday I went to the Steven Curtis Chapman concert.. and he said that Gandhi said that if today was his last day in this world, he would plant a tree.. Not because there's anything special about planting a tree.. but just because that was what he had planned to do today anyway. and that what we do if we knew it was our last day, it shouldn't be too different to what u had already planned. Coz we would probably never know when that last day is going to be. So everyday we have to live it like it's our last. And I think Bernard did. On his last day he lived it the way his whole life was, he lived it to the max. He dived 3 times in magnificent beauty, he proposed to Grace. He never lived in this world to protect her the rest of her life, but he protected her in the rest of his....

Do you think he's in heaven now, peacefully watching over everyone n giving his blessings to fill everyone's hearts now empty without him? I think he is. I hope he is. I believe he is.......