Fragile life

In some ways, Bernard and i have always been conscious of our own mortality. Perhaps it's because we feel so lucky to have found each other, that we're a little afraid to lose each other. We are convinced that at every point, every decision made served to lead our paths to converge.

There's no "i wish we met earlier", cos we knew that it was the perfect time, when we were both ready for a mature n responsible relationship. Our experiences, both good and not-so-good, made us the persons we are now, so dear to each other. Who knows, if we had met earlier, we might have spoilt our own chances.

Looking back, it helps that we have discussed a little about death...
We talked about what we'll each do if we only had one month to live. He said, "i will bring you to new zealand, and we will spend our time there enjoying the beautiful scenery and quality time together. Just before the one month is up, i will send you back home to singapore first, and i'll continue to write to you everyday. Then... i will prepare a stack of letters to be sent to you regularly, after i die..."
After he told me this, i could feel a very real, very awful sense of loss, and crying, i told him never to say such things again, and to promise me that we will be together, always.. always...

Last Oct, while traveling in new zealand, there was an incident that shook me quite badly. We had parked our car along the side of a busy road (running straight thru the town), and was getting out to enjoy the spectacular lake view. As he stood beside the door to lock it, he leaned slightly in towards the car, just seconds before a huge truck rushed by inches from him. I looked on in horror and shock just as it dawned upon both of us that he could have been knocked down. I could not imagine if he had taken a step back instead....
In his usual way, he smiled and assured me that everything was alright... "Look, i'm ok! i'm here baby.." I was distraught... but so very, very thankful. Since then, everytime i gazed at him and had flashbacks of that incident, i thanked God for His mercy, and told myself to love and appreciate bernard more and more everyday.

Sometime more recently, he told me, out of the blue, that in future when we grow old together, he wants me to die first. I was kinda taken aback initially, and asked him why. He said, he doesn't want me to suffer from the grief if he dies ahead of me, he doesn't want me to be heartbroken. So, he'd rather i die first, then he will join me later... Sounds morbid i know, but it touched me deeply, cos this is the most selfless and purest form of love i've ever seen, that anyone can even think of giving.

On Jun 1, exactly a month after our self-declared, "official" anniversary, i found out from his colleague that he had bought 2 spa vouchers from her, on the morning we left for our trip. He said to her, "I want to give her on her birthday.. she liked it because last year I gave her one."

It was his gift to me, for my birthday this year, which is in December.