Thru my best fren's eyes...

This is my story, told from my best fren's perspective. Touching and true.

I still have difficulty recounting the events of the day, or what i knew of it. So, what Hanglu wrote is basically what people need to know, nothing more, nothing less.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Harng Luh Sin
Date: Jun 4, 2006 1:51 AM
Subject: Something to share...

Heyos....

It's been a long while since I sent out such personally written mass mails to people - stuff that's not forwarded or arranging for some dinner or something. But anyhows.. I just came back from my holiday in Indonesia and I thought I'm ready to say this... Just something I wanted to share....

Some weeks back, a little more than a month ago... My best friend's fiance died in a diving accident off Sipadan. Some of u know coz I told u, some of u might have seen the papers. The facts on the papers are not too accurate... but nevertheless they got the gist of it all - Someone died while diving.. n until today I still wish it wasn't so.. but that person is my best friend's fiance.

His name is Bernard.. I saw him a couple of times. I never quite knew him very well personally, but each time I saw him.. he was earnest, kind, patient, and had this endearing smile. I never quite thought I needed to get to know him very well, I always thought I'll know him eventually as time passes, coz I thought he'll live out his whole life with my friend, Grace. I thought I'll get to know him better when I help out with their wedding, or when I baby sit their babies, or when my n Grace's children grow up together as god-siblings as I always thought they will since we were in Secondary school. I was never in a hurry to get to know him, and was just contented to know that he was the man who gave my best friend so much happiness. I had a confidence about him that I got from Grace... I believed he was the one coz after so many years of friendship with Grace, I could just see it when she's found the one for her.

We were always teasing each other - who'll get married first? Has he popped the question? Will I get to be her bride's maid, or will she get to be mine? Those memories... on hindsight - so bitter sweet.

And then suddenly I received an sms. Which made me trunk call her back in such dreadful fear and worry. She said he's dead. But how can it be? It cannot be - I told myself over and over again. It cannot cannot be.

But it is true. No matter how hard I wished hoped and prayed for my friend and for her fiance, nothing is going to reverse this hard and difficult fact. He is gone, safely in the hands of God, but no longer within our sight or touch for as long as our lives may be.

I stayed with her throughout the wake - I didn't stand strong for her, coz I was only good for crying with her. In the end I got to know Bernard so well... thru his family, thru Grace, thru his colleagues and friends who came. I saw Grace go through this all. So torn, so pained, so empty. Her fingertips gingerly touching the edges of his casket, her eyes filled with such loving and longing. Those eyes looking so lost and uncertain every morning when we wake, only to be filled by tears once again when she tells me of how he would sms her something sweet every morning, make her toast with butter n sugar... All these times clutching the pyjamas he last wore.

I didn't know what to do... I could only pray every every night... "God, fill her with a little bit more peace and a little bit more of Your love, so she can wake up one day and not face the day wanting to cry in pain"

This may seem depressing, sad n heavy. And I never quite wanted to or knew how to tell people of what happened. But this story I realised I wanted to share. Death - it happens to everyone, it will happen to all of us someday. And when that day comes, I hope I can face death straight in the face and with a smile. But before that time, I hope all of us live today and everyday in cheer and contentment. In hope and faith. Because u never get a second chance on what u'll do on ur very last day in this world, and most likely - u'll never know it's the last anyway. Sometimes I think about it, I think about what I knew of Bernard after he's gone. And how everyone told me he's the type who'll live life to the fullest, and be kind and sincere to everyone he knows. Grace told me, he says he never forgets the face of a person he met, because he takes care to remember, he thinks it's important to remember.

And then I think, how many of us live life this way? How do we all treat the people who are close and dear to us? Do we always let life pass us by without doing what we really want to do? Without contentment, always thinking of something better, an alternate reality where everything's perfect. If there's that alternate reality, why do we simply talk about it n never truly try to reach for it? How many times and how seriously must u be shaken before we wake up to realise that we only live life once and we should live it with no regrets?

I tried to talk about this in the first Spanish class I went to after the whole funeral. I said: "Yo pienso, la vida es muy transitorio. El no pudo proteger ella por el resto de la vida, pero el protegio ella por el resto de su vida. Y yo pienso, el desearia nos decir a vivir un vida a su mas lleno, y vivir todos los dias como el ultimo" [in english: I think, life is very transient. He could not protect her for the rest of her life, but he protected her for the rest of his. And I think, Bernard wished to tell us to live a life to your fullest, and live everyday like it's the last]. But it never quite got through coz I broke down and starting crying. I said it in such a shaky voice I don't think anyone but my teacher got it.

I know this true story is hard to swallow. But it's precisely because it is so difficult that I wanted to share it with all of u. Please, for a moment try to imagine what it really means to lost someone so dear and precious, and in that moment try to understand and take home a message from a pain I hope no one needs to go through.

And then the other day as I was on the boat on my way to a dive-site at Lombok... (yes, my holiday to indonesia included quite alot of diving despite what just happened). It was early morning and the sea was so calm it was like a flat screen reflecting the sun over the horizon. So calm that from a distance I thought I saw something hovering in the sky only to realise later that it was a fishing boat on the seas. That morning I began to think this way - He left us in the seas, but now he's in the skies... (sky = heaven in spanish). There must be a greater reason why he was taken away, tho I may not be equipped to understand why for perhaps as long as I lived. But it wasn't unfair or unjust or a tragedy or misfortune. A sense of gratitude, I felt that since the 2nd day of the wake. A sense of gratitude for the wonders and love he had brought to so many lives, especially to Grace's life. A Christian music teacher from Vienna once told me when I met him while backpacking in Rome, "in life the most important thing is to be a blessing to the people around you". I think Bernard was such a blessing, and I hope all of u are or will be.

Love,
Harng Luh