Witnessing our lives

Of cos, immediately after the accident, my own thoughts and feelings occupied my whole consciousness (and subconsciousness), i can hardly bear the pain. I lost so much weight in such a short span of a few days, i sometimes wondered how much more pain my physical body can withstand. i can't stop thinking and talking abt him or abt my thoughts to the frens who are seeing me thru this dark valley.

But as i read the story from the eyes of someone who is close, who cares and worries very much but feels helpless what she can really do abt wat cannot be undone, i started to understand the pain and stress of the frens who are tryin to be strong for me.

Here are my frens who receive lengthy, painful smses at odd hours from me, and have to think long and hard how to reply... who sit with me while i cry my heart out and cry together with me, who try to be cheerful while talking to someone whose eyes start to glaze over and lose track of things and time, who put aside other plans whenever i call. Especially this fren, who probably got quite a rude shock when she received an email from me with an attachment detailing what to do if i suddenly die, and having to share my heavy heart and guard it safely (both heart and attachment!)

i read and re-read the email and remembered a lot of things that i'd almost forgot.. agreements, pacts, jokes between us. We even lost track of each other's lives for some years. As we grew up, we started picking up where we left off, and getting really excited about the future. It was a time where we could see and feel, almost for real, the next big chapter of each other's lives. I wanted her to know bernard, for i knew for sure that he is the one. i never before felt so proud and happy abt these "meet-the-frens" sessions.

i didn't know why i felt so strongly about bernard meeting all my close frens. i didn't know why Hanglu wld always bring Weisoon along for dinner with me. Now i understand. This man sitting beside my best fren, gently caressing her hair, is the man who will take over and protect and love her all their lives. The love they share is such an important part of her life, and she is asking me to witness her life and her love. I now understand that it is not just dinner, it is getting to know this man i am entrusting her heart to. And remembering the little gestures between them, the exact gestures i've asked her to remember about bernard and me.