~New Zealand~

"New Zealand... Trulyyy Asiaaa..."
sang bernard happily all the time when we were anticipating our holiday. (It's pointless tryin to convince him that NZ is not Asia, he just likes the jingle.)

Somewhere early last year, i decided i wanted to go NZ. While still getting to know each other, he tried to sell me the idea that he is the best travel companion one can have. True to the fantastic RM he is, (the best, in fact!) he convinced me that his travel concepts and styles are very similar to mine, and promised that it will be a most wonderful holiday. So can he come with me pleeease???

Anyway, of cos i agreed; we were an item shortly after :)

Oct approached, and he told me, "don't worry, leave everything to me", so i did. He always pampers me.

When we were on the flight to NZ, he (strangely) indicated that i shud perhaps take a look at the safety instructions in the pocket in front. The usual blur me took very long and many prompts to realize that there was a set of papers stuffed in the pocket. I retrieved it, and to my surprise, it was a detailed itinerary of what we were going to do for our 2-week holiday! The heading "New Zealand, Truly Asia!" (of cos...) sat atop the page, that contained daily commentaries, driving times, activities, addresses, etc...!! It was so well-planned and well-research *touched* To me this ranks as one of the best gifts he gave me. We spent so much time together (even when we were not together we chatted for hours on the phone) that i really wondered where he found the time to do all these without me knowing!

Our adventures:

Hot-air ballooning at Christchurch

Horseback riding in Middle Earth!!!

Jetboating

Glacier walking - Franz Joseph Glacier

The Ultimate - Skydiving @ Taupo!!

Cooking dinner (i think can consider this an adventure as well)
He ate wat i cooked, and i ate wat he cooked. So... dunno which is better ;)

Arty shot - Reflection of Wellington in my shades.

* * *

We both fell in love with NZ. Loved all the outdoor activities, the scenery, the people, the peace. In particular, we love the South Island.
While driving to Queenstown from Glenorchy, we stopped for lunch along the road, and chanced upon our very own Paradise. So quiet, so still, that no ripples broke the calmness of the water, a perfect reflection of the sky.

Our dream is to retire in NZ, beside the gorgeous Lake Wanaka.

A moment to remember...

Today, a colleague told me that at the prelims of the Company-wide soccer match last weekend, the team representing our Business Unit observed a minute of silence in memory of bernard before commencing the match.

I'm very touched. Thanks for remembering...

* * *

The evening before we left, bernard participated in an internal soccer match. He knew that i was very busy with preparations for audit, and told me it's ok, dun have to go and watch. But i knew my being there means a lot to him, after all, last year when i was in the organizing committee for staff events, he participated in almost all the events to give me his support.

So, i told my supervisor i really had to go off early and rushed over in a cab. (I wld tell her later on, that this is exactly what i mean when i told her ever so often what our priorities should be, cos in the end, one will never regret having spent too little time at work n too much with loved ones.)

He was amazing (to me, at least). He tried to do some scissors kick thing :) and landed hard on the ground.. wah when i saw him fall my heart sank... According to another soccer player, apparently it is very normal and not painful n i shouldn't be too concerned abt it.
Anyway, bernard scored the only goal! *yay* :)
He was very proud. I'm proud of him too..

Fragile life

In some ways, Bernard and i have always been conscious of our own mortality. Perhaps it's because we feel so lucky to have found each other, that we're a little afraid to lose each other. We are convinced that at every point, every decision made served to lead our paths to converge.

There's no "i wish we met earlier", cos we knew that it was the perfect time, when we were both ready for a mature n responsible relationship. Our experiences, both good and not-so-good, made us the persons we are now, so dear to each other. Who knows, if we had met earlier, we might have spoilt our own chances.

Looking back, it helps that we have discussed a little about death...
We talked about what we'll each do if we only had one month to live. He said, "i will bring you to new zealand, and we will spend our time there enjoying the beautiful scenery and quality time together. Just before the one month is up, i will send you back home to singapore first, and i'll continue to write to you everyday. Then... i will prepare a stack of letters to be sent to you regularly, after i die..."
After he told me this, i could feel a very real, very awful sense of loss, and crying, i told him never to say such things again, and to promise me that we will be together, always.. always...

Last Oct, while traveling in new zealand, there was an incident that shook me quite badly. We had parked our car along the side of a busy road (running straight thru the town), and was getting out to enjoy the spectacular lake view. As he stood beside the door to lock it, he leaned slightly in towards the car, just seconds before a huge truck rushed by inches from him. I looked on in horror and shock just as it dawned upon both of us that he could have been knocked down. I could not imagine if he had taken a step back instead....
In his usual way, he smiled and assured me that everything was alright... "Look, i'm ok! i'm here baby.." I was distraught... but so very, very thankful. Since then, everytime i gazed at him and had flashbacks of that incident, i thanked God for His mercy, and told myself to love and appreciate bernard more and more everyday.

Sometime more recently, he told me, out of the blue, that in future when we grow old together, he wants me to die first. I was kinda taken aback initially, and asked him why. He said, he doesn't want me to suffer from the grief if he dies ahead of me, he doesn't want me to be heartbroken. So, he'd rather i die first, then he will join me later... Sounds morbid i know, but it touched me deeply, cos this is the most selfless and purest form of love i've ever seen, that anyone can even think of giving.

On Jun 1, exactly a month after our self-declared, "official" anniversary, i found out from his colleague that he had bought 2 spa vouchers from her, on the morning we left for our trip. He said to her, "I want to give her on her birthday.. she liked it because last year I gave her one."

It was his gift to me, for my birthday this year, which is in December.

The last moment

Today i met with a guy who had gone thru a similar loss.

During our conversation, i told him that i'm worried for how bernard must have felt, cos i can now imagine how i will feel at the very last moment before i die. I'm not afraid to die, but i will feel very, very sad, cos i noe that the family and close frens that i leave behind will be heartbroken.

And the day that i see God, the first question i will ask Him is "Why??"

With reference to Job, he told me that although we can't imagine it now, when we see God, we will be so awed by His presence that we will simply trust that He can and will take good care of the loved ones we leave behind.


Pris assured me that Jesus was right there with him, holding him close at that very moment...

Choices

The day one of us died - one dream shattered, but two hearts remained. His love and his heart remains with me.

The only times i feel my eyes light up and my face brighten are when i'm showing our beautiful photos to frens.

At times when the pain seems too much to bear, i reflect upon our good times together, and i can feel his heart cushioning mine, his love helping me go on.


His life was a testimony to many. His optimism, his cheer, selfless giving of his love and care. I can either wallow in my waves of misery, or live on my life the way he did, the way he wants me to, in honour of his. I choose the 2nd.

Having said that, it doesn't mean i dun feel the pain anymore. No one can truly understand the extent of my pain. But also, i dun think anyone can fully appreciate the depth of our love for each other.. The ability to carry on despite the pain does not in any way understate my love for him.

Of cos, God is helping me thru. So are my dear frens.. thanks for being there *hugs*

Witnessing our lives

Of cos, immediately after the accident, my own thoughts and feelings occupied my whole consciousness (and subconsciousness), i can hardly bear the pain. I lost so much weight in such a short span of a few days, i sometimes wondered how much more pain my physical body can withstand. i can't stop thinking and talking abt him or abt my thoughts to the frens who are seeing me thru this dark valley.

But as i read the story from the eyes of someone who is close, who cares and worries very much but feels helpless what she can really do abt wat cannot be undone, i started to understand the pain and stress of the frens who are tryin to be strong for me.

Here are my frens who receive lengthy, painful smses at odd hours from me, and have to think long and hard how to reply... who sit with me while i cry my heart out and cry together with me, who try to be cheerful while talking to someone whose eyes start to glaze over and lose track of things and time, who put aside other plans whenever i call. Especially this fren, who probably got quite a rude shock when she received an email from me with an attachment detailing what to do if i suddenly die, and having to share my heavy heart and guard it safely (both heart and attachment!)

i read and re-read the email and remembered a lot of things that i'd almost forgot.. agreements, pacts, jokes between us. We even lost track of each other's lives for some years. As we grew up, we started picking up where we left off, and getting really excited about the future. It was a time where we could see and feel, almost for real, the next big chapter of each other's lives. I wanted her to know bernard, for i knew for sure that he is the one. i never before felt so proud and happy abt these "meet-the-frens" sessions.

i didn't know why i felt so strongly about bernard meeting all my close frens. i didn't know why Hanglu wld always bring Weisoon along for dinner with me. Now i understand. This man sitting beside my best fren, gently caressing her hair, is the man who will take over and protect and love her all their lives. The love they share is such an important part of her life, and she is asking me to witness her life and her love. I now understand that it is not just dinner, it is getting to know this man i am entrusting her heart to. And remembering the little gestures between them, the exact gestures i've asked her to remember about bernard and me.

Thru my best fren's eyes...

This is my story, told from my best fren's perspective. Touching and true.

I still have difficulty recounting the events of the day, or what i knew of it. So, what Hanglu wrote is basically what people need to know, nothing more, nothing less.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Harng Luh Sin
Date: Jun 4, 2006 1:51 AM
Subject: Something to share...

Heyos....

It's been a long while since I sent out such personally written mass mails to people - stuff that's not forwarded or arranging for some dinner or something. But anyhows.. I just came back from my holiday in Indonesia and I thought I'm ready to say this... Just something I wanted to share....

Some weeks back, a little more than a month ago... My best friend's fiance died in a diving accident off Sipadan. Some of u know coz I told u, some of u might have seen the papers. The facts on the papers are not too accurate... but nevertheless they got the gist of it all - Someone died while diving.. n until today I still wish it wasn't so.. but that person is my best friend's fiance.

His name is Bernard.. I saw him a couple of times. I never quite knew him very well personally, but each time I saw him.. he was earnest, kind, patient, and had this endearing smile. I never quite thought I needed to get to know him very well, I always thought I'll know him eventually as time passes, coz I thought he'll live out his whole life with my friend, Grace. I thought I'll get to know him better when I help out with their wedding, or when I baby sit their babies, or when my n Grace's children grow up together as god-siblings as I always thought they will since we were in Secondary school. I was never in a hurry to get to know him, and was just contented to know that he was the man who gave my best friend so much happiness. I had a confidence about him that I got from Grace... I believed he was the one coz after so many years of friendship with Grace, I could just see it when she's found the one for her.

We were always teasing each other - who'll get married first? Has he popped the question? Will I get to be her bride's maid, or will she get to be mine? Those memories... on hindsight - so bitter sweet.

And then suddenly I received an sms. Which made me trunk call her back in such dreadful fear and worry. She said he's dead. But how can it be? It cannot be - I told myself over and over again. It cannot cannot be.

But it is true. No matter how hard I wished hoped and prayed for my friend and for her fiance, nothing is going to reverse this hard and difficult fact. He is gone, safely in the hands of God, but no longer within our sight or touch for as long as our lives may be.

I stayed with her throughout the wake - I didn't stand strong for her, coz I was only good for crying with her. In the end I got to know Bernard so well... thru his family, thru Grace, thru his colleagues and friends who came. I saw Grace go through this all. So torn, so pained, so empty. Her fingertips gingerly touching the edges of his casket, her eyes filled with such loving and longing. Those eyes looking so lost and uncertain every morning when we wake, only to be filled by tears once again when she tells me of how he would sms her something sweet every morning, make her toast with butter n sugar... All these times clutching the pyjamas he last wore.

I didn't know what to do... I could only pray every every night... "God, fill her with a little bit more peace and a little bit more of Your love, so she can wake up one day and not face the day wanting to cry in pain"

This may seem depressing, sad n heavy. And I never quite wanted to or knew how to tell people of what happened. But this story I realised I wanted to share. Death - it happens to everyone, it will happen to all of us someday. And when that day comes, I hope I can face death straight in the face and with a smile. But before that time, I hope all of us live today and everyday in cheer and contentment. In hope and faith. Because u never get a second chance on what u'll do on ur very last day in this world, and most likely - u'll never know it's the last anyway. Sometimes I think about it, I think about what I knew of Bernard after he's gone. And how everyone told me he's the type who'll live life to the fullest, and be kind and sincere to everyone he knows. Grace told me, he says he never forgets the face of a person he met, because he takes care to remember, he thinks it's important to remember.

And then I think, how many of us live life this way? How do we all treat the people who are close and dear to us? Do we always let life pass us by without doing what we really want to do? Without contentment, always thinking of something better, an alternate reality where everything's perfect. If there's that alternate reality, why do we simply talk about it n never truly try to reach for it? How many times and how seriously must u be shaken before we wake up to realise that we only live life once and we should live it with no regrets?

I tried to talk about this in the first Spanish class I went to after the whole funeral. I said: "Yo pienso, la vida es muy transitorio. El no pudo proteger ella por el resto de la vida, pero el protegio ella por el resto de su vida. Y yo pienso, el desearia nos decir a vivir un vida a su mas lleno, y vivir todos los dias como el ultimo" [in english: I think, life is very transient. He could not protect her for the rest of her life, but he protected her for the rest of his. And I think, Bernard wished to tell us to live a life to your fullest, and live everyday like it's the last]. But it never quite got through coz I broke down and starting crying. I said it in such a shaky voice I don't think anyone but my teacher got it.

I know this true story is hard to swallow. But it's precisely because it is so difficult that I wanted to share it with all of u. Please, for a moment try to imagine what it really means to lost someone so dear and precious, and in that moment try to understand and take home a message from a pain I hope no one needs to go through.

And then the other day as I was on the boat on my way to a dive-site at Lombok... (yes, my holiday to indonesia included quite alot of diving despite what just happened). It was early morning and the sea was so calm it was like a flat screen reflecting the sun over the horizon. So calm that from a distance I thought I saw something hovering in the sky only to realise later that it was a fishing boat on the seas. That morning I began to think this way - He left us in the seas, but now he's in the skies... (sky = heaven in spanish). There must be a greater reason why he was taken away, tho I may not be equipped to understand why for perhaps as long as I lived. But it wasn't unfair or unjust or a tragedy or misfortune. A sense of gratitude, I felt that since the 2nd day of the wake. A sense of gratitude for the wonders and love he had brought to so many lives, especially to Grace's life. A Christian music teacher from Vienna once told me when I met him while backpacking in Rome, "in life the most important thing is to be a blessing to the people around you". I think Bernard was such a blessing, and I hope all of u are or will be.

Love,
Harng Luh

A Fairytale Romance

I have just completed a scrapbook that took over a month, a gift of love from me to the family i was to be part of.


Now is the time for me to share with all of you, the kind of pure and true love that Bernard and I have for each other. Instead of withdrawing from the world or trying to forget this darkest and most trying time of my life, my love for him is so deep that despite my pain, i just want to honour n treasure my memory of him, to celebrate his life, and reach out to his frens out there...

This is the last year of his life, a year filled with simple happiness, important milestones, and so much love. We lived more years in the one year we had together than many people. Much as it hurts for me to pick up the pieces of my life now, to gather up and carefully store away all those shattered dreams, i am glad for many things...

I am glad that in our time together, bernard has found the purpose in his life, looked forward to each day with such excitement, dreamt many dreams, and worked hard towards fulfilling them. We enjoyed the shyness of our courtship, the blessings of finding such a right fit, our passion for each other, the rush of adventure in our new experiences... The nitty-gritties of planning our joint investments and finances, the uncertainty of balloting for a flat, the thrill of finding our dream home and putting a check for it within a single day(!!)... the fun of shopping for a car (and bidding for our number!), the discussions from politics to parenting, the comfort of being at home, the silliness of a simple love.
Above all, we experienced the joy of a Christ-centered relationship...

We told each other how much we love and appreciate each other every day. We compliment and assure each other, respect and protect each other. Every moment was a beautiful moment to treasure. We fought, of cos, but we recognized that thru it our bond is strengthened. It is by living our lives with so much passion that he leaves me with no regrets and nothing left unsaid.

I am glad that we happened to each other... I'm glad that we'd helped each other live out many, if not all, of our dreams...
Baby, you are a gift from God. If i'd known that in the end i'll be suffering so much grief, i'll still have chosen to know you and love you.

This is our life. This is the joy we brought to each other.
What more can i ask for?

You asked me, if you had only one month to live, wat would i do?
I told you, without a doubt and without any hesitation, that i will marry you.

leia's journey : In a better place

Hanglu's blog is restricted, so i'll post what she wrote about us here...

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In a better place

It's been a long week... so much has happened.. I stood next to Grace.. and saw how many times her world came crumbing down and how she picked up all the pieces and with such strength built them back together.. All the memories of Bernard I saw.. mostly from Grace, but some from Raymond n Xianghe (2nd brother n sis-in-law), Melvin, Lynn n Audrey (oldest brother n sis-in-law n their kid)... Even from his parents, n grace's parents too..

At times I wonder.. why? why does this all have to happen.. in those times i feel myself desperately reaching out to hold on to something.. something i know i cannot hold on to - time and him. If even I feel so, how does Grace feel? I cannot even begin to comprehend.. Yet Grace.. even in her lowest moment.. said this to me, "hang, i hope u never have to understand how this feels like". Adversity makes the best of mankind.. But Grace.. even at her lowest most painful times showed me her beauty.

So many times I hugged her and cried.. not knowing what else I could do...
when I first saw her on wednesday, she was staring at his coffin and watching them unwrap the packaging and setting up the area... She said... they pasted on the box, "fragile, this way up". Like he was an object she said. When I first saw him he was paler.. not much make up after embalming.. I thought that looked more natural...

And those times I saw Grace looking down at him with such longing and loving eyes. I saw her lingering around his coffin, touching its edges at her fingertips n speaking silently to him... Telling him she had brought him safely home, that they will meet again in heaven, that he didn't have to wait for long for one day in heaven was a year in earth. Those times I saw her... I almost cry everytime..

It was the perfect love story.. the things she told me that I can't and won't repeat here. The perfect holiday, the perfect resort of her dreams.. water cottages, beautiful sunsets and starry starry nights. His elaborate proposal the night before..

Yesterday I went to the Steven Curtis Chapman concert.. and he said that Gandhi said that if today was his last day in this world, he would plant a tree.. Not because there's anything special about planting a tree.. but just because that was what he had planned to do today anyway. and that what we do if we knew it was our last day, it shouldn't be too different to what u had already planned. Coz we would probably never know when that last day is going to be. So everyday we have to live it like it's our last. And I think Bernard did. On his last day he lived it the way his whole life was, he lived it to the max. He dived 3 times in magnificent beauty, he proposed to Grace. He never lived in this world to protect her the rest of her life, but he protected her in the rest of his....

Do you think he's in heaven now, peacefully watching over everyone n giving his blessings to fill everyone's hearts now empty without him? I think he is. I hope he is. I believe he is.......