This morning i was juz remembering all those days i'd prayed for His peace and comfort to ease the loneliness in my heart every every day... for months n years.
and He did so.
No matter what happens, God is the only constant, the only forever dependable and loving God, always there... isn't that very assuring?
Monday, January 05, 2009
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Every new day is a blessing from God
Happie New Year to everybody :)
Thank you for all your encouraging comments over the past 2+ years...
The sermon during Watchnite service last nite was titled "Let's Go and Press On", from Philippians 3. I think it can also be "Let Go and Press On" (so clever hor)
Veri apt, i felt. 2008 has been a tough year for most. Beyond the past year, i'm sure most of us also have regrets, guilt, sorrow hidden in our hearts (like me :P) Even past glory can cause us to live in the past and feel low about the present.
Many a times i catch myself dwelling in the past... when things look bleak, my mind flashes back to happy times in the past with Bernard... and a mixture of bittersweet happiness n sorrow washes over me. sort of like a.. "at least i experienced such happiness n love so i can draw upon them and then do without them for the rest of my life"
However, clinging on to the past is effectively shutting off what God wants for us in the present and future. What we need to do is to trust in Him, so that we can move on, press on now and into the future.
I was at the new National Geographic store at Vivo today; intrigued by all the photographs on display... and came across a book abt lost boys of Sudan. A phrase on the blurb caught my eye - Every new day is a gift from God.
I have been thinking... oh 2009 does feel slightly scary, what with all those gloom n doom images painted by the news... what is there to look forward to? And then it struck me - no matter how common/cliche this phrase is, how true it is! If we focus on this fact, we will then be able to shift our focus from how life can seem unfair, tiring, etc, and instead give thanks for the blessings in our lives.
Thank God for all the frens and the body of Christ that He has surrounded me with... I hope and pray that i can continue to journey closely with God, and serve Him in little ways.
Thank you for all your encouraging comments over the past 2+ years...
The sermon during Watchnite service last nite was titled "Let's Go and Press On", from Philippians 3. I think it can also be "Let Go and Press On" (so clever hor)
Veri apt, i felt. 2008 has been a tough year for most. Beyond the past year, i'm sure most of us also have regrets, guilt, sorrow hidden in our hearts (like me :P) Even past glory can cause us to live in the past and feel low about the present.
Many a times i catch myself dwelling in the past... when things look bleak, my mind flashes back to happy times in the past with Bernard... and a mixture of bittersweet happiness n sorrow washes over me. sort of like a.. "at least i experienced such happiness n love so i can draw upon them and then do without them for the rest of my life"
However, clinging on to the past is effectively shutting off what God wants for us in the present and future. What we need to do is to trust in Him, so that we can move on, press on now and into the future.
I was at the new National Geographic store at Vivo today; intrigued by all the photographs on display... and came across a book abt lost boys of Sudan. A phrase on the blurb caught my eye - Every new day is a gift from God.
I have been thinking... oh 2009 does feel slightly scary, what with all those gloom n doom images painted by the news... what is there to look forward to? And then it struck me - no matter how common/cliche this phrase is, how true it is! If we focus on this fact, we will then be able to shift our focus from how life can seem unfair, tiring, etc, and instead give thanks for the blessings in our lives.
Thank God for all the frens and the body of Christ that He has surrounded me with... I hope and pray that i can continue to journey closely with God, and serve Him in little ways.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Finishing the race
sorrie for such a depressing post the last time. dat was a realli low point~
but... we all stumble n fall n fail in life... its all about whether n how we pick ourselves up and go on dat defines us, and reveals our character n tenacity :)
so anyways... i ran the Stanchart half marathon today!!! for the first time woh!
proud to announce i completed it.. n quite well i thot!
~ ~ ~
To my dearest Bernard...
u will probably never know... how much you inspire me to go on...
(i din train for this) When it was veri painful, i held on to the image of ur cheeky grin n merry eyes.. remembering how we trained together, how u ran after me when i pretended to be all nonchalent (shy leh), how u took care of me when i had stitches. how encouraging n optimistic u always are.
if onli u know.
(well... actually to be veri honest, my mind kinda blanked out after about 16km le :P)
but... we all stumble n fall n fail in life... its all about whether n how we pick ourselves up and go on dat defines us, and reveals our character n tenacity :)
so anyways... i ran the Stanchart half marathon today!!! for the first time woh!
proud to announce i completed it.. n quite well i thot!
~ ~ ~
To my dearest Bernard...
u will probably never know... how much you inspire me to go on...
(i din train for this) When it was veri painful, i held on to the image of ur cheeky grin n merry eyes.. remembering how we trained together, how u ran after me when i pretended to be all nonchalent (shy leh), how u took care of me when i had stitches. how encouraging n optimistic u always are.
if onli u know.
(well... actually to be veri honest, my mind kinda blanked out after about 16km le :P)
Friday, November 07, 2008
It sucks to be me! :P
(Ave Q is hilarious...)
anyways.
i'm starting to think i'm never gonna be able to move on.
or mabbe, like kris says, its (again) the end of the year, its Christmas soon... perhaps its also the past 3mths of exhausting 14-hr, meaningless, stressful days at work... that is wearing me down. and so, i've been missing bernard all over again.
tong hua is an all-time fave at karaoke. it is also one of two songs i still cant bear to hear (the other being Amazing Grace).
last weekend i was out with some colleagues and getting bored (i can't sing for nuts) so went out to walk walk by myself. the moment i stepped back in, the song started playing.. and i busied myself texting kris n ivan furiously so dat i dun have to look at the screen. i went home n cried my eyes out.
today i watched Ave Q... n the main lead really reminds me of bernard. his eyes... i was just staring at him almost the whole time n seeing bernard (third row offers a really good view! but i was really disturbed :P)
i've been going out with a guy... things r okie, he's amazingly good to me. and he's just patiently waiting till i'm ready. but there will always be a barrier that i can never manage to cross. its like my heart's having some sinus problem. blocked le.
both days above, he saw me.. so distant n cold n quiet.
how do i let a guy into my heart when it is still yearning for another? how wld he feel?
so, all in all, i have been so desperately wanting to escape reality that (besides contemplating how tempting it is to perhaps accidentally die), i signed up for GMAT and started applications for B-school (and not dat i hv the money woh). kinda drastic n irrational huh... but this is a weak moment. i'm tired.. n i wanna leave it all behind.
how? i dunno wat to do.
anyways.
i'm starting to think i'm never gonna be able to move on.
or mabbe, like kris says, its (again) the end of the year, its Christmas soon... perhaps its also the past 3mths of exhausting 14-hr, meaningless, stressful days at work... that is wearing me down. and so, i've been missing bernard all over again.
tong hua is an all-time fave at karaoke. it is also one of two songs i still cant bear to hear (the other being Amazing Grace).
last weekend i was out with some colleagues and getting bored (i can't sing for nuts) so went out to walk walk by myself. the moment i stepped back in, the song started playing.. and i busied myself texting kris n ivan furiously so dat i dun have to look at the screen. i went home n cried my eyes out.
today i watched Ave Q... n the main lead really reminds me of bernard. his eyes... i was just staring at him almost the whole time n seeing bernard (third row offers a really good view! but i was really disturbed :P)
i've been going out with a guy... things r okie, he's amazingly good to me. and he's just patiently waiting till i'm ready. but there will always be a barrier that i can never manage to cross. its like my heart's having some sinus problem. blocked le.
both days above, he saw me.. so distant n cold n quiet.
how do i let a guy into my heart when it is still yearning for another? how wld he feel?
so, all in all, i have been so desperately wanting to escape reality that (besides contemplating how tempting it is to perhaps accidentally die), i signed up for GMAT and started applications for B-school (and not dat i hv the money woh). kinda drastic n irrational huh... but this is a weak moment. i'm tired.. n i wanna leave it all behind.
how? i dunno wat to do.
Monday, August 11, 2008
834 days... Bye bye...
And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together
I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like..
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
"I wish I could find a way try not to cry"
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'll give the whole world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
It feels like you're gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye
- Mariah Carey ~Bye Bye~ E=MC2
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together
I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like..
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
"I wish I could find a way try not to cry"
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'll give the whole world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
It feels like you're gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye
- Mariah Carey ~Bye Bye~ E=MC2
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Life gems
i read with great interest this article in TODAY (11 July 08):
Swiss company can turn ashes of loved ones into sparkling mementos
CHUR (Switzerland) — At the end of their days, many people end up buried, in flames, frozen, or mummified. But, some lucky ones are spending eternity as sparkling diamonds, thanks to a peculiar chemical transformation.
For a fee, a Swiss company called Algordanza offers a service to turn ashes into precious stones. It gets 40 to 50 commissions a month, some from as far away as Japan. One came from secretary Lilly Hess-Sollberger, who saw an article about the service and made her daughter promise to call Algordanza when she died. Ms Hess-Sollberger died three years ago at age 82 and her ashes are now a half-carat blue diamond pendant that adorns her daughter's neck.
Mr Rinaldo Willy, 28, one of two co-founders of Algordanza, said the commissions come from "all kinds of people — from bus drivers to :philosophy professors".
At the firm’s laboratory, about 15 machines run non-stop alongside employees wearing plastic protective glasses who work behind a yellow-and-black line that visitors are not allowed to cross out of respect for the dead.
"Five hundred grammes of ashes is enough to make a diamond, and a human body leaves behind on average 2.5 to 3kg of ashes," said Mr Willy.
Potassium and calcium — 85 per cent of the ashes — are first separated from the carbon. The carbon is then subjected to high pressure and heat, a process which compresses it into graphite. More pressure and heat are applied to the graphite to turn it into diamonds.
The entire process takes six to eight weeks, barely a fraction of the time it takes for the formation of natural diamonds, which takes thousands of years. When the process is complete, the crude diamond still requires polishing and cutting. Many are cut into heart-shaped stones which can be worn as a pendant, or mounted on a ring.
"Each diamond is unique — the colour varies from dark blue to almost white," said Mr Willy. "It’s a reflection of the personality." The whole process costs between 4,500 ($5,946) and 17,000 Swiss francs, depending on the weight of the resulting stone (from 0.25 to 1 carat), and does not include the setting of the stone.
* * *
for one crazy moment, it actually crossed my mind... what an interesting idea this is... *ponders*
Until i read on...
* * *
Not all agree with the process. An undertaker in Geneva said he has never received a request to transform ashes into a "life gem", as some call the stones, and has no plans to offer the service. "It’s not in line with our ethics of burial and remembrance," he said. "To wear your loved one as a ring and carry it with you everywhere prevents you from distancing yourself, and thereby recovering from, the loss." AFP
Swiss company can turn ashes of loved ones into sparkling mementos
CHUR (Switzerland) — At the end of their days, many people end up buried, in flames, frozen, or mummified. But, some lucky ones are spending eternity as sparkling diamonds, thanks to a peculiar chemical transformation.
For a fee, a Swiss company called Algordanza offers a service to turn ashes into precious stones. It gets 40 to 50 commissions a month, some from as far away as Japan. One came from secretary Lilly Hess-Sollberger, who saw an article about the service and made her daughter promise to call Algordanza when she died. Ms Hess-Sollberger died three years ago at age 82 and her ashes are now a half-carat blue diamond pendant that adorns her daughter's neck.
Mr Rinaldo Willy, 28, one of two co-founders of Algordanza, said the commissions come from "all kinds of people — from bus drivers to :philosophy professors".
At the firm’s laboratory, about 15 machines run non-stop alongside employees wearing plastic protective glasses who work behind a yellow-and-black line that visitors are not allowed to cross out of respect for the dead.
"Five hundred grammes of ashes is enough to make a diamond, and a human body leaves behind on average 2.5 to 3kg of ashes," said Mr Willy.
Potassium and calcium — 85 per cent of the ashes — are first separated from the carbon. The carbon is then subjected to high pressure and heat, a process which compresses it into graphite. More pressure and heat are applied to the graphite to turn it into diamonds.
The entire process takes six to eight weeks, barely a fraction of the time it takes for the formation of natural diamonds, which takes thousands of years. When the process is complete, the crude diamond still requires polishing and cutting. Many are cut into heart-shaped stones which can be worn as a pendant, or mounted on a ring.
"Each diamond is unique — the colour varies from dark blue to almost white," said Mr Willy. "It’s a reflection of the personality." The whole process costs between 4,500 ($5,946) and 17,000 Swiss francs, depending on the weight of the resulting stone (from 0.25 to 1 carat), and does not include the setting of the stone.
for one crazy moment, it actually crossed my mind... what an interesting idea this is... *ponders*
Until i read on...
Not all agree with the process. An undertaker in Geneva said he has never received a request to transform ashes into a "life gem", as some call the stones, and has no plans to offer the service. "It’s not in line with our ethics of burial and remembrance," he said. "To wear your loved one as a ring and carry it with you everywhere prevents you from distancing yourself, and thereby recovering from, the loss." AFP
Saturday, July 05, 2008
All that i need
After an afternoon of binging in front of the tele, i decided that i needed to run.
And run i did... all the way to East Coast Park.
Past kids on tricycles, couples holding hands, frens having bbqs, families clustered over tables filled with sumptious seafood...
Past the slope that i fell down while blading with bernard, the humps that he tried to perform stunts over to make me laugh...
Past the patch of grass where my uni class played games during our first outing, the chalets we used to go in secondary school...
(it seemed like much of our lives can be chronicled in that area!)
Sizzling meats and roasted marshmallows wafting thru the air, radios blasting and people laughing.
I stopped at the seafood centre and stood in front of the waters, evening breeze cooling my face. searching thru the crowds for something.
stared at the waves lapping against the shore, the very same waves that gives life and takes away.
even with all the crowds behind me, music in my ears, and displays of fighter jets stunts in preparation for NDP, i felt incredibly alone...
closed my eyes and let all the guys in my life flash thru my mind's eye... and one came up from behind me. as i opened my eyes to look harder at him, he disappeared.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please let me hear your voice again
Let me hear you say your love will never end
That whatever it takes you'll be there
When I say
You are all that I need
The only treasure I see
You're the air that helps me breathe
through the darkest night
When I fall down on my knees
---------------------------------------------------------------------
And run i did... all the way to East Coast Park.
Past kids on tricycles, couples holding hands, frens having bbqs, families clustered over tables filled with sumptious seafood...
Past the slope that i fell down while blading with bernard, the humps that he tried to perform stunts over to make me laugh...
Past the patch of grass where my uni class played games during our first outing, the chalets we used to go in secondary school...
(it seemed like much of our lives can be chronicled in that area!)
Sizzling meats and roasted marshmallows wafting thru the air, radios blasting and people laughing.
I stopped at the seafood centre and stood in front of the waters, evening breeze cooling my face. searching thru the crowds for something.
stared at the waves lapping against the shore, the very same waves that gives life and takes away.
even with all the crowds behind me, music in my ears, and displays of fighter jets stunts in preparation for NDP, i felt incredibly alone...
closed my eyes and let all the guys in my life flash thru my mind's eye... and one came up from behind me. as i opened my eyes to look harder at him, he disappeared.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please let me hear your voice again
Let me hear you say your love will never end
That whatever it takes you'll be there
When I say
You are all that I need
The only treasure I see
You're the air that helps me breathe
through the darkest night
When I fall down on my knees
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, June 29, 2008
With thanks
hello...
erms i'm not too sure to whom i'm addressing :)
just want to thank all the people who have left such encouraging comments in my blog. i read all of them carefully... n really appreciate ur kind thots n prayers. it's touching to receive such concern in this strange, anonymous cyberspace. heh.
as Don Moen sings (and this is my handphone welcome msg),
"With love and strength for each new day..." Somehow, God will make a way...
erms i'm not too sure to whom i'm addressing :)
just want to thank all the people who have left such encouraging comments in my blog. i read all of them carefully... n really appreciate ur kind thots n prayers. it's touching to receive such concern in this strange, anonymous cyberspace. heh.
as Don Moen sings (and this is my handphone welcome msg),
"With love and strength for each new day..." Somehow, God will make a way...
Sunday, June 22, 2008
784 days... the lessons we learn
i felt a strong compulsion to go to the columbarium today. mabbe its the terribly exhausting week... or the never-ending weddings to help out at... the fear that frens will start to drop out of my life as they get married n move on... or mabbe the strange dreams that keep me tossing n turning at nite... or all the guys that are never gonna be all dat bernard was to me... that left me with a deep sense of loneliness, emptiness.
my sis offered to go with me. when dad saw that we were going out together, he beamed n asked wat we were up to. and i hesitated... n told him. he went, a heavy "oh." i really dowan him to worry abt me n think dat i'm stuck in a sad rut... And to my sis, at first i felt dat being a big sister, i shud be all composed n strong. but in the end, we just stood side by side, tears streaming down my face as i wondered aloud again, about life, guilt, regret, longing, and all the what-ifs.
its been more than 2 yrs. during the months dat i woke up every morning, wondering if it was a bad dream, crying as the pain of reality sinks in sharply yet again, i thot i will never survive this. it is only by God's strength n comfort dat i am able to go on, day after day. that i am able to laugh again.
and so i said. thru all these, i have learnt alot, grown alot. i'm sure she has too.
but sometimes, secretly i think... do we find lessons to learn in difficult times as some sort of consolation? as if to justify that our suffering has a purpose? can i just go on with life without learning all these lessons? some people seem to have it easy, breezing thru all of life's milestones without a glitch. so what if they dun ponder deep thots abt the meaning of life and of taking things for granted? why can't life be very simple? does reflection make us a better person? with better quality of life? better for who?
well... its just one of those days.
we drove off to have casuarina prata (i think i haven't had prata in years), and i cheered up immensely after :o)
my sis offered to go with me. when dad saw that we were going out together, he beamed n asked wat we were up to. and i hesitated... n told him. he went, a heavy "oh." i really dowan him to worry abt me n think dat i'm stuck in a sad rut... And to my sis, at first i felt dat being a big sister, i shud be all composed n strong. but in the end, we just stood side by side, tears streaming down my face as i wondered aloud again, about life, guilt, regret, longing, and all the what-ifs.
its been more than 2 yrs. during the months dat i woke up every morning, wondering if it was a bad dream, crying as the pain of reality sinks in sharply yet again, i thot i will never survive this. it is only by God's strength n comfort dat i am able to go on, day after day. that i am able to laugh again.
and so i said. thru all these, i have learnt alot, grown alot. i'm sure she has too.
but sometimes, secretly i think... do we find lessons to learn in difficult times as some sort of consolation? as if to justify that our suffering has a purpose? can i just go on with life without learning all these lessons? some people seem to have it easy, breezing thru all of life's milestones without a glitch. so what if they dun ponder deep thots abt the meaning of life and of taking things for granted? why can't life be very simple? does reflection make us a better person? with better quality of life? better for who?
well... its just one of those days.
we drove off to have casuarina prata (i think i haven't had prata in years), and i cheered up immensely after :o)
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
751 days since you left me...
"Must take good care of yrself now tat u r living on yr own.." 二嫂 texted me back when i told her i cooked soup n veg for dinner today n its very comforting (she gave me the pots). n stopped short of sounding like a broken record when i resisted saying dat i wish i can cook for Bernard too.
"How are you feeling about Bernard now?" asks Xiuling yesterday. i thot for a while... seems okie, i said. i even entertain crushes from time to time :o)
except when something cuts too close to what's been buried in my heart.
such as 变奏曲, the drama that's airing on channel 8 every nite at 9pm now.
its silly, really, to be even affected by drama serials. sounds auntie hor?? :P but i'm so strangely drawn to the show. however painful (like PS I Love You..), i seem to be searching for something when watching such shows. searching for... how the character copes, how she moves on (or not?), and if she does, the second chances that life sometimes hands out. and then i compare with my own life. like.. if i can find some similarities, i might find some hope as well.
so.. am i writing the same old things over n over again like 小柔? will there be a second chance, a new hope, somewhere down the road for me?
if given a chance, will i want to go back in time to change things? will you?
PS: i went to read the synopsis of all the episodes... wah its gonna be quite tragic. better not watch liaos! :P
"How are you feeling about Bernard now?" asks Xiuling yesterday. i thot for a while... seems okie, i said. i even entertain crushes from time to time :o)
except when something cuts too close to what's been buried in my heart.
such as 变奏曲, the drama that's airing on channel 8 every nite at 9pm now.
its silly, really, to be even affected by drama serials. sounds auntie hor?? :P but i'm so strangely drawn to the show. however painful (like PS I Love You..), i seem to be searching for something when watching such shows. searching for... how the character copes, how she moves on (or not?), and if she does, the second chances that life sometimes hands out. and then i compare with my own life. like.. if i can find some similarities, i might find some hope as well.
so.. am i writing the same old things over n over again like 小柔? will there be a second chance, a new hope, somewhere down the road for me?
if given a chance, will i want to go back in time to change things? will you?
PS: i went to read the synopsis of all the episodes... wah its gonna be quite tragic. better not watch liaos! :P
Sunday, April 13, 2008
First gathering at home
i had my first gathering at my home today! :D
okie... it wasn't like an official housewarming la. i invited some close church frens over to look-see-look-see... and i guess it wasn't the first time i had guests over. only that when Hang n Ws came over, i was kinda unfamiliar with how to play host :P
and i was abit preoccupied on Fri n Sat thinking of all the things i hafta do n buy... like buy drinks n flowers (which i think no one noticed :P), clean the house properly (white glossy tiles are brutally honest)... already did it once just before my family came over last Sunday (must make sure they feel comforted their daughter is living in okie conditions).
then i think n i think... that i must learn to let go la. the house cannot be perfectly n sparkly clean all the time :P but i hate Ikea rugs... oh those awful blue fibres that shed n stick everywhere!
now i understand why it's called "housewarming". having frens over really gives a nice warm cosy feeling. i was chatting with Gerald about how it feels to move out, and we both agreed that the whole point of wanting to move out is so that we can have frens over anytime, do whatever, and not worry abt disturbing family members or having to be all proper n polite n all. so its only fun to move out when u have frens over a lot. otherwise, it's just SO quiet.
THANK goodness my home theatre system is set up. switching on the radio is usually the first thing i do when i wake up or get home. so before the system came, i had to have my laptop on all the time. and then i bugged the ID guy to come over to help me set it up. THANK YOU Teck Soon! :o)
we drove to Katong for lunch after church, then came home where i bought yummy beancurd tarts n pineapple tarts to share. i love the feeling of having frens over, making them feel comfy n at home n all... n having them know that they are welcome anytime ^^
but i have this lil' problem... usually after a gathering (or holiday), i can't help feeling slightly empty n wishing the happie feeling can last longer. before my mind cld start wandering all over the place thinking i wish i had "couple" plans like them, i pray that God will always draw me close to Him, fill my heart with His great love, comfort and presence. and of cos, i immediately put on the new CD that Ah Long n Evelyn bought me! Leo Ku, the one that we've both been searching for and he found first. Ah Long n Eve are such encouraging n loving siblings-in-Christ who epitomize how we shud live n love as a Christian body.
thanks for coming over! you guys walked with me thru this long journey... :)
can't wait to organize the REAL thing... housewarming with the whole DG over! wah quite a scary thot leh!
okie... it wasn't like an official housewarming la. i invited some close church frens over to look-see-look-see... and i guess it wasn't the first time i had guests over. only that when Hang n Ws came over, i was kinda unfamiliar with how to play host :P
and i was abit preoccupied on Fri n Sat thinking of all the things i hafta do n buy... like buy drinks n flowers (which i think no one noticed :P), clean the house properly (white glossy tiles are brutally honest)... already did it once just before my family came over last Sunday (must make sure they feel comforted their daughter is living in okie conditions).
then i think n i think... that i must learn to let go la. the house cannot be perfectly n sparkly clean all the time :P but i hate Ikea rugs... oh those awful blue fibres that shed n stick everywhere!
now i understand why it's called "housewarming". having frens over really gives a nice warm cosy feeling. i was chatting with Gerald about how it feels to move out, and we both agreed that the whole point of wanting to move out is so that we can have frens over anytime, do whatever, and not worry abt disturbing family members or having to be all proper n polite n all. so its only fun to move out when u have frens over a lot. otherwise, it's just SO quiet.
THANK goodness my home theatre system is set up. switching on the radio is usually the first thing i do when i wake up or get home. so before the system came, i had to have my laptop on all the time. and then i bugged the ID guy to come over to help me set it up. THANK YOU Teck Soon! :o)
we drove to Katong for lunch after church, then came home where i bought yummy beancurd tarts n pineapple tarts to share. i love the feeling of having frens over, making them feel comfy n at home n all... n having them know that they are welcome anytime ^^
but i have this lil' problem... usually after a gathering (or holiday), i can't help feeling slightly empty n wishing the happie feeling can last longer. before my mind cld start wandering all over the place thinking i wish i had "couple" plans like them, i pray that God will always draw me close to Him, fill my heart with His great love, comfort and presence. and of cos, i immediately put on the new CD that Ah Long n Evelyn bought me! Leo Ku, the one that we've both been searching for and he found first. Ah Long n Eve are such encouraging n loving siblings-in-Christ who epitomize how we shud live n love as a Christian body.
thanks for coming over! you guys walked with me thru this long journey... :)
can't wait to organize the REAL thing... housewarming with the whole DG over! wah quite a scary thot leh!
Monday, April 07, 2008
I've moved in!!
My first night was 30 March 2008 :)
The cleaning n unpacking was (and still is) super jialat. I keep wondering how i managed to squeeze so much stuff into my ONE bedroom last time...
wAhaHAha...
And as a result of keeping a whole lot of stuff in boxes for several months, they've either grown musky or mouldy *horrors* or quite out-of-point. OH i had such a battle with mould! So i threw lots of stuff away and realised getting rid of stuff can be rather therapeutic. Though i (again) wonder why i bothered packing them in the first place :P
When i'm finally satisfied with how the place looks, will post some pictures ^_^
* * *
erms... do i really have so much stuff? don't you too? :-| like... keep ur books? soft toys n letters etc?? hmm~
* * *
you know what was the most painful part? unpacking bernard's stuff.
i re-packed them cos for a few days i was so anxious abt mould getting to his clothes... and then itchy fingers me went to spritz some of his perfume on my hand. and then photos, things he gave me, like his treasured little R2D2, things he kept, like the picture of me he printed n stuck behind his fave Psalms 91 card i gave him... and then my diaries, the cards people gave me, all the stuff. so scary.
The cleaning n unpacking was (and still is) super jialat. I keep wondering how i managed to squeeze so much stuff into my ONE bedroom last time...
wAhaHAha...
And as a result of keeping a whole lot of stuff in boxes for several months, they've either grown musky or mouldy *horrors* or quite out-of-point. OH i had such a battle with mould! So i threw lots of stuff away and realised getting rid of stuff can be rather therapeutic. Though i (again) wonder why i bothered packing them in the first place :P
When i'm finally satisfied with how the place looks, will post some pictures ^_^
erms... do i really have so much stuff? don't you too? :-| like... keep ur books? soft toys n letters etc?? hmm~
you know what was the most painful part? unpacking bernard's stuff.
i re-packed them cos for a few days i was so anxious abt mould getting to his clothes... and then itchy fingers me went to spritz some of his perfume on my hand. and then photos, things he gave me, like his treasured little R2D2, things he kept, like the picture of me he printed n stuck behind his fave Psalms 91 card i gave him... and then my diaries, the cards people gave me, all the stuff. so scary.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Breathe on me now
- Kathryn Scott
wah this scroll thing (forgive the pun) is cool la.. hee..
i love this song.
i actually bought her album, Satisfy, for Bernard (together with a box of stuff i labelled "RM's survival kit") I chose this album cos i wanted the song When I Survey The Wonderous Cross. i found the empty album case in his room, but never found the cd. wonder where he put it. This album is quite hard to find.. i got another one for myself only when i went to the States last year. i remember blasting this cd and Serendipity soundtrack in the hotel room (cos i scared... staying alone in the room :P that's why when i move out, MUST have cable tv n cd player!)
| Kathryn Scott on 6Lyrics.com |
wah this scroll thing (forgive the pun) is cool la.. hee..
i love this song.
i actually bought her album, Satisfy, for Bernard (together with a box of stuff i labelled "RM's survival kit") I chose this album cos i wanted the song When I Survey The Wonderous Cross. i found the empty album case in his room, but never found the cd. wonder where he put it. This album is quite hard to find.. i got another one for myself only when i went to the States last year. i remember blasting this cd and Serendipity soundtrack in the hotel room (cos i scared... staying alone in the room :P that's why when i move out, MUST have cable tv n cd player!)
Sticky memories
It's funny how some seemingly random memories stick in our minds.
As i walked from the MRT to Bernard's home just now to visit his parents, i was lost in thoughts of Bernard and i walking together on the exact same route after work every so often...
...across from Chinese Garden where we went for the lantern festival n took such happie silly pictures, past the 7-11 where we collect our sistic tickets (never knew can collect fr 7-11), past the dvd rental shop that works on fingerprint verification (i cld never decide wat to watch), the times we ta bao food from that boon lay hawker centre with my fave ngor hiang stall... the carpark where we'd sit n chat for ages cos we cant bear to part... the same carpark where he asked me to be his gf.. twice.. grin~
and every single time i walk across the carpark facing his block, i'd remember he smsed me one morning telling me that as he was tryin to dry his contact lens case, he accidentally flung it out of the window.. n he thot it was very funny :) and i thot, wah how come so violent wan.
and every single time i go to his place, accompanied by that slight feeling of fear, apprehension n sadness, i get reminded of wat Hanglu said to me the day we were waiting for a cab after the wake... i was very bothered by the thot that each passing day seems to be bringing me further n further away from Bernard. i hated the phrase "moving on". she said, instead of thinking that i am leaving him behind in the past, think of it as each day bringing me nearer to him in the future, the day when we meet again. that was one of the most encouraging things anyone has said to me. and Pris also said, think of it as "moving with" instead of "moving on". perhaps its just a play on words... but it makes a difference. to me at least.
i wonder too, everytime, do his parents feel sad when they see me? because seeing me is such a stark reminder of their son. who used to always stand next to me.
As i walked from the MRT to Bernard's home just now to visit his parents, i was lost in thoughts of Bernard and i walking together on the exact same route after work every so often...
...across from Chinese Garden where we went for the lantern festival n took such happie silly pictures, past the 7-11 where we collect our sistic tickets (never knew can collect fr 7-11), past the dvd rental shop that works on fingerprint verification (i cld never decide wat to watch), the times we ta bao food from that boon lay hawker centre with my fave ngor hiang stall... the carpark where we'd sit n chat for ages cos we cant bear to part... the same carpark where he asked me to be his gf.. twice.. grin~
and every single time i walk across the carpark facing his block, i'd remember he smsed me one morning telling me that as he was tryin to dry his contact lens case, he accidentally flung it out of the window.. n he thot it was very funny :) and i thot, wah how come so violent wan.
and every single time i go to his place, accompanied by that slight feeling of fear, apprehension n sadness, i get reminded of wat Hanglu said to me the day we were waiting for a cab after the wake... i was very bothered by the thot that each passing day seems to be bringing me further n further away from Bernard. i hated the phrase "moving on". she said, instead of thinking that i am leaving him behind in the past, think of it as each day bringing me nearer to him in the future, the day when we meet again. that was one of the most encouraging things anyone has said to me. and Pris also said, think of it as "moving with" instead of "moving on". perhaps its just a play on words... but it makes a difference. to me at least.
i wonder too, everytime, do his parents feel sad when they see me? because seeing me is such a stark reminder of their son. who used to always stand next to me.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
- Robert Frost
Today i went to the columbarium. on a little card stuck at the side of the niche, this poem reads:
We knew little that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, in death
we do the same. It broke our hearts
to lose you, you did not go alone;
for part of us went with you, the
day God called you home. You left us
peaceful memories, your love is still
our guide; and though we cannot see
you, you are always at our side. Our
family chain is broken, and nothing
seems the same; but as God calls
us one by one, the chain will link again.
As i read it, and busied myself by cutting the stems of three white roses, tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks. it was beautiful... and heartbreaking.
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As i walked home today, i thought, i feel like giving up. two years on, it felt like i took two steps forward, and now, one step back.
i am really trying very hard at work to do my best... and last friday, when i again told my boss that it's ok, i'm coping ok, she replied, "no it's not ok. you can be putting in late nights till 8, 9pm, but i'm not getting what i want. it's not ok!" and to me, who expects nothing but the best from myself, i felt like such a disappointment.
and... for a brief while, i went out with this guy. i kinda liked him. and i was quite happie. but by and by, i became miserable, thinking of and missing Bernard, and listing down all the reasons why it just won't work...
and then i asked Ivan, is it silly to try to fulfil a vision, dream, that i shared with someone who's not here anymore? why am i so adament about some of the design features?
it seems like i'm trying so hard at work, in life, socially, financially, emotionally, but it's just not good enough.
my dear frens have been very encouraging and supportive. sometimes i think it is like they were taking "shifts" to take care of me, as i am handed from one loving hand to another as they try to be with me even as they have so much to do. they thot for me all the time. Xiuling n Ah Long spent Sat morning helping me move two bulky mattresses. Hanglu always buys me gummies to cheer me up.. n got WS to buy me dri-fits for our Nepal trip. She n Kris took care of all the logistics n details. They ran errands with me, listened to me, helped me along in both practical ways as well as emotionally. with that thought, i feel so bad if i were to disappoint them... by dragging my feet along.
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OKIE enuff whining... i just had to get it off my chest :o)
the house is taking shape very nicely. the lights and paint colours are beautiful. the study is painted a sweet sweet pink! hee~ the rest of the house is modern n cosy - cool greys n browns, so i thot it'll be pretty to have a happie colour in one of the rooms :)
It actually feels quite surreal...
oh i haven't posted any pictures yet! here's some :)
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Me opening the door for the first time ^_^
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it is a very involved process... not easy having to make all the decisions on my own (like paint colours n lights n curtains), but it is all the more special cos i saw it thru every single little detail, every step of the way.
i ordered 4 dining chairs yesterday and the salesman must have looked at me n Kris n thot we looked frail or smtg; he offered us free delivery :o) the book shelves from Ikea were delivered today (now lying on the floor cos i refused to pay for installation, but i'm thinking they might construct themselves magically). and a vacuum cleaner appeared at Crystal's house today, bot by the gals for me! Thank you Keryn, Diaz, LianZ n GraceL! their affectionate way of welcoming me to the world of household chores hehe...
let's see.. what else? i'm gonna buy fridge, washing machine n towel rails next weekend, the sofa n bed will be delivered week after next, and it sounds like we're almost done!!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
~Wish List~
Okie! now officially (and with gratefulness) accepting contributions to the dream home trust fund ^_^
Electronics
-TV: Daddy
-Home theatre system: free, courtesy of Starhub
-Fridge: Bernard's da ge & da sao
-Washing machine: partly sponsored by birthday vouchers from the gals :)
-Toaster: Matthew
-Rice cooker: Crystal
-Oven: hand-me-down from parents
-Kettle: bought!
-Standing fan: bought!
-Iron: Crystal
-Vacuum cleaner: Keryn, LianZ, Diaz, GraceL
Kitchen stuff
-Frying pans & ladles: Crystal
- Pot
-Knives n chopping board: bought! (i couldn't wait)
-Utensils: forks n spoons: bought! Robinsons vouchers courtesy of Starhub
-Dinnerware: plates n bowls etc: Kristin
Furniture
-Sofa: bought!
-Dining table: fabricated
-Dining chairs: Hanglu & Weisoon
- Bar stools
-Mattress: bought!
-Bed linen: 1 set bedlinen fr Xiuling, bought 2 more sets
-Quilt: bought!
- Study table n chair
-Dressing table: fabricated
- Rug
- Wall clock (prolly hv to buy myself! :)
-Lights: bought! this is shockingly ex...
-Curtains: bought!
Miscellaneous
- Supermarket vouchers (this will be very helpful^_^): Xiuling & Paul
- Table mats & coasters
-Photo frames: Kristin (complete w photos!)
-Wine glasses: Crystal
- Wine bottle opener
-Cocktail glasses: Alvina
-Recipe books: CAs
-Coffee maker: Bernard's er ge n er sao (Xianghe doesn't think the moo moo will be any good thou.. so she's getting me the same as hers :)
- Weighing scale (wat to do.. i stay in the East now! so much good food!!)
- Plants?
Phase II: When i get bonus
- Outdoor table n chairs for patio
- Outdoor grill (actually i decided i dowan this... disposable ones better.. no need to wash! :P
I shud start issuing common stock to all my frens who own little parts of my house.. hee~
Electronics
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-
-
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-
-
-
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Kitchen stuff
-
- Pot
-
-
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Furniture
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-
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- Bar stools
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- Study table n chair
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- Rug
- Wall clock (prolly hv to buy myself! :)
-
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Miscellaneous
- Supermarket vouchers (this will be very helpful^_^): Xiuling & Paul
- Table mats & coasters
-
-
- Wine bottle opener
-
-
-
- Weighing scale (wat to do.. i stay in the East now! so much good food!!)
- Plants?
Phase II: When i get bonus
- Outdoor table n chairs for patio
- Outdoor grill (actually i decided i dowan this... disposable ones better.. no need to wash! :P
I shud start issuing common stock to all my frens who own little parts of my house.. hee~
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Serendipity
Remember that scene from Serendipity?
When Jonathan (male lead) was gonna get married, and suddenly all around him everybody is calling for, singing about, introducing themselves as "Sara". He thot, it's like the whole universe is reminding him and nudging him to go find her.
Well, not really like that, but i got reminded of that scene recently.
In a kinda ironic, cruelly funny way, everything around me is suddenly reminding me of bernard. i did tell some frens, and with a laugh too (so as not to get overly sentimental)...
I have a new boss... his mannerism n certain angles look like bernard. he has a very big client (whom we talk about alot and i talk to), called bernard. tomorrow i'm meeting a contact for curtains, this guy called bernard. yesterday at work some colleagues were discussing behind me something regarding their fren bernard. and today in the lift a girl was being teased by other colleagues about a guy called bernard.
funny, isn't it? sometimes you just quietly stand there, taking in things from around you, especially sensitive to a certain key word, phrase, scent, name... and no one knows the kinda emotions and nonsense going on inside you :P
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Oh... today i went to Harvey Norman at Millenia during lunchtime. and it felt quite... difficult...
After one of our first Sat training sessions, we had walked around Harvey Norman to check out mp3 players for me. and despite only knowing each other for like... a couple of weeks? As he was talking he addressed me affectionately as "girl".. which i had a very deep impression of... and some months later when i asked him, he din even realize~ i love that memory cos that address came out so naturally n sounded just right :o)
When Jonathan (male lead) was gonna get married, and suddenly all around him everybody is calling for, singing about, introducing themselves as "Sara". He thot, it's like the whole universe is reminding him and nudging him to go find her.
Well, not really like that, but i got reminded of that scene recently.
In a kinda ironic, cruelly funny way, everything around me is suddenly reminding me of bernard. i did tell some frens, and with a laugh too (so as not to get overly sentimental)...
I have a new boss... his mannerism n certain angles look like bernard. he has a very big client (whom we talk about alot and i talk to), called bernard. tomorrow i'm meeting a contact for curtains, this guy called bernard. yesterday at work some colleagues were discussing behind me something regarding their fren bernard. and today in the lift a girl was being teased by other colleagues about a guy called bernard.
funny, isn't it? sometimes you just quietly stand there, taking in things from around you, especially sensitive to a certain key word, phrase, scent, name... and no one knows the kinda emotions and nonsense going on inside you :P
-------------------------------------------------------
Oh... today i went to Harvey Norman at Millenia during lunchtime. and it felt quite... difficult...
After one of our first Sat training sessions, we had walked around Harvey Norman to check out mp3 players for me. and despite only knowing each other for like... a couple of weeks? As he was talking he addressed me affectionately as "girl".. which i had a very deep impression of... and some months later when i asked him, he din even realize~ i love that memory cos that address came out so naturally n sounded just right :o)
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Disappointments and letting go
Channel 5 had a travel feature on New Zealand tonight. i couldn't rush back in time to watch. but... just as well i missed it... it's probably gonna make me sad...
The movie, PS I Love You, seems to have affected me more deeply than i expected. since then, everything seems to have been going downhill. or maybe it's just bad timing.. to stir up those buried feelings. and last weekend i stayed home n watched My Sassy Girl. even that small part abt the letters at the end made me cry.
Work has been punishing. finances are looking kinda scary. renovations and errands for the house are taking up a lot of time n effort. day after day i'm rushing from one place to another, and not sleeping or eating well. i thot i'm more stable now, but i'm starting to miss bernard again, feel empty again... more n more. the journey is a lonely one, the pressure is getting to me. i'm tired, and i wish he's here to hold me.
i keep a lot of things, things of sentimental value. and when i lose things, i get very upset. but ever since i lost bernard, i've reacted to disappointments and losing things with a sense of quiet resignation. sometime mid-Jan, my phone suddenly spoilt. that means all the photos, videos, smses from bernard are gone. all my contacts are gone. i did back up smses from him, fortunately... and last week, my 7-year old palm decided to erase itself. this is really sad... cos i like to remember when things happen, and my memory's not too good :P 7 years worth of memories... and when i synched it with my computer, well, it erased the records on my palm desktop as well...
Crystal told me many times... all the times she's lost so many things of sentimental value, have taught her to let go. well... maybe it's time for me to learn to stop obsessing abt the past... and at the very least it taught me not to trust technology :P I'm getting myself a little (paper) notebook instead!
The movie, PS I Love You, seems to have affected me more deeply than i expected. since then, everything seems to have been going downhill. or maybe it's just bad timing.. to stir up those buried feelings. and last weekend i stayed home n watched My Sassy Girl. even that small part abt the letters at the end made me cry.
Work has been punishing. finances are looking kinda scary. renovations and errands for the house are taking up a lot of time n effort. day after day i'm rushing from one place to another, and not sleeping or eating well. i thot i'm more stable now, but i'm starting to miss bernard again, feel empty again... more n more. the journey is a lonely one, the pressure is getting to me. i'm tired, and i wish he's here to hold me.
i keep a lot of things, things of sentimental value. and when i lose things, i get very upset. but ever since i lost bernard, i've reacted to disappointments and losing things with a sense of quiet resignation. sometime mid-Jan, my phone suddenly spoilt. that means all the photos, videos, smses from bernard are gone. all my contacts are gone. i did back up smses from him, fortunately... and last week, my 7-year old palm decided to erase itself. this is really sad... cos i like to remember when things happen, and my memory's not too good :P 7 years worth of memories... and when i synched it with my computer, well, it erased the records on my palm desktop as well...
Crystal told me many times... all the times she's lost so many things of sentimental value, have taught her to let go. well... maybe it's time for me to learn to stop obsessing abt the past... and at the very least it taught me not to trust technology :P I'm getting myself a little (paper) notebook instead!
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