i felt a strong compulsion to go to the columbarium today. mabbe its the terribly exhausting week... or the never-ending weddings to help out at... the fear that frens will start to drop out of my life as they get married n move on... or mabbe the strange dreams that keep me tossing n turning at nite... or all the guys that are never gonna be all dat bernard was to me... that left me with a deep sense of loneliness, emptiness.
my sis offered to go with me. when dad saw that we were going out together, he beamed n asked wat we were up to. and i hesitated... n told him. he went, a heavy "oh." i really dowan him to worry abt me n think dat i'm stuck in a sad rut... And to my sis, at first i felt dat being a big sister, i shud be all composed n strong. but in the end, we just stood side by side, tears streaming down my face as i wondered aloud again, about life, guilt, regret, longing, and all the what-ifs.
its been more than 2 yrs. during the months dat i woke up every morning, wondering if it was a bad dream, crying as the pain of reality sinks in sharply yet again, i thot i will never survive this. it is only by God's strength n comfort dat i am able to go on, day after day. that i am able to laugh again.
and so i said. thru all these, i have learnt alot, grown alot. i'm sure she has too.
but sometimes, secretly i think... do we find lessons to learn in difficult times as some sort of consolation? as if to justify that our suffering has a purpose? can i just go on with life without learning all these lessons? some people seem to have it easy, breezing thru all of life's milestones without a glitch. so what if they dun ponder deep thots abt the meaning of life and of taking things for granted? why can't life be very simple? does reflection make us a better person? with better quality of life? better for who?
well... its just one of those days.
we drove off to have casuarina prata (i think i haven't had prata in years), and i cheered up immensely after :o)
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From Daily Bread... http://www.dailybread.org.uk/notes.aspx?&dd=11&mm=6&yyyy=2008
Hope against hype
Prepare
‘The earth is full of his unfailing love’ (v 5). Thank God for the evidences of his unfailing love in your life today.
Psalm 33 (NIV) [Read passage]
We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:20–22 (NIV)
Explore
Search the Internet for the word ‘hope’ and (in 0.15 seconds) you find almost half a billion web pages! Martin Luther King knew that ‘If you lose hope, somehow you lose … the quality that helps you go on in spite of it all’ (The Trumpet of Conscience, HarperCollins, 1991). How then do we live with hope when the world seems hopeless?
Our son, nearing his 9th birthday, is hoping for a trampoline. (I have intimated that this is a distinct possibility!) He is also hoping to get the latest Harry Potter book, even though he knows that we won’t give him this. One is a reasonable expectation founded on my word as his father. The other is merely wishful thinking!
Biblical hope is stronger than wishing and wanting. It is an expectation grounded upon our Father’s word. Corrie ten Boom knew she could ‘wait in hope’ (v 20) in a Nazi concentration camp. Joni Eareckson Tada learned to ‘trust in his holy name’ (v 21) even when she wasn’t healed. We too have good reason to hope, even when life seems hopeless, because God’s love for us is ‘unfailing’ (vs 5,18,22) and ‘he is faithful in all he does’ (v 4).
Respond
Is there a situation that seems hopeless in your own life or in someone else’s today? Read verses 20–22 slowly, thinking about that need, and ask God for eyes to see what he is doing.
Dear Grace,
I stumbled upon ur blog and what U read; touched me. The love you have with Bernard made me tear as I realised how I have taken my own fiance for granted. I've never seen him like how you see Bernard and all the things he does for me I will brush it off with a mere "He SHOULD be doing this anyway!".
But looking at everything thru' ur eyes, I begin to realise and appreciate all the little details that he has done for me.
Thank you for showing me how it is to appreciate, to love, to be selfless, to accept and to give. I thank Bernard too for he has definitely rubbed off his laudability and positive attitude not just to you but to others who are inspired..
I pray that God give you even more strength to carry on with the life He has planned for you..
I pray that you will be blessed with life's little gifts as you continue to give courage to others..
Don't force urself to move on..just follow your heart and His guide..God bless and may Bernard's soul rest in peace! ^_^
-Passerby
加油哦！！
In every person's life, a little rain must come. The lessons are a bonus, however hard they may be. I guess life is as simple as we want it to be. If we go through it never looking for what's behind each event in our lives, then we would not have much wisdom or derived much meaning from living by the time we come to the end of our journey here on earth.
Speaking on behalf on all who are dear to you...
I am quite sure they feel this way... cos I do...
There are days where we found words to spur you up...Days where we don't...
But we will always rest assure that there will be others to do that job on our behalf...
That the beauty of HIS presence....
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