14Y

Once a year, I allow myself to retreat into that private space and shed some tears.

I’ve never stopped missing you.

Another Christmas

Nightmares

Over the years, I have learnt how to force myself awake in the middle of nightmares. It’s a pretty useful skill.

But...when will the nightmares stop?

Bernard's father

Three weeks ago, on 1 Aug 2018, Bernard's father passed away.

I am grateful that his brothers informed me, even though we don't keep in touch.

You know how in cartoons, when the characters accidentally run off a cliff, there's a moment of stillness as he looks at the screen without apprehension, before falling? (sorry for the frivolous analogy!)
Yes - the moment of stillness as my mind tried to make sense of what my heart was starting to feel.

And I was overcome with emotions. Sadness, for sure. He was such a kind and gentle man. Even if he did feel any anger or resentment towards me, he never expressed any such feelings, so i never knew, never had to deal with that.

And guilt. All the feelings of guilt that has been packed away. The guilt towards their family. That their son/brother was gone because of me. Every festive period, I think of them having a family gathering, and missing Bernard. When we parted ways, there was one grandchild. Now there's four, three of whom never knew their uncle Bernard. Guilt over not keeping in touch, yet it's probably better that I am not in their lives (perhaps an excuse?), wondering if Bernard would have wanted me to keep in touch. Shame over my lack of courage to address all these.

Twelve

Dear Bernard,

Here’s to twelve years of missing you. 

Love,

me

The Sweetest Gift

This song is included in The Piano Guys' new Christmas album and dedicated to Jon Schmidt's daughter Annie.

I'm out of words to describe the swirl of feelings inside as I listen to the song; bittersweet probably comes close.



The Sweetest Gift
- Craig Aven

I'm not gonna lie
Christmas really hurts this time
Cause you're not here to celebrate with me
Tears fill my eyes
The memories flood my mind
As I place your ornament upon our tree

Although this year I have a broken heart
It gives me hope and joy as I remember where you are

Chorus:
You're with the Son of God
You're with the Prince of Peace
You're with the one who's celebrating
And that thought amazes me
Sometimes I still break down
Grieving that we're apart
But the sweetest gift is knowing where you are
You're with the Son of God

Got your picture in the frame
And a stocking with your name
Oh God knows it's been hard letting go
And I can't bring you back but I'll see you again
And all that thought is healing to my soul

I'll miss making angels with you in the snow
I guess instead you will be singing with them all around God's throne

(Chorus)

And I know the Christmas season was your favorite time of year
You loved to help us decorate our tree
But now that you're with Jesus
Can't imagine how you feel
Cause he's the one who bleed and died upon the tree for you and me

(Chorus)
Yes, the sweetest gift is knowing where you are
Yes, the sweetest gift is knowing you're in His arms
You're with the Son of God

10 years on

10 years on, i mustered up enough courage to visit the niche again.

everytime i see his photo, that youthful, beautiful and kind smile pierces right through my heart. oh the guilt that weighs on every part of my being.

* * *

There are a few deep, dark places in my heart that i try not to visit too much, and this is one of them. but sometimes, they resurface in the form of nightmares.

i clicked onto the list of posts of this blog, and what no one sees are those unpublished drafts, a record of nightmares.

10 years on, i wish i can say i am joyously celebrating the beautiful memories of Bernard, and witnessing God's love and blessings to others.

but these past two weeks the buried emotions threaten to bubble over.
a usually logical, tough, composed person becomes a crumbling mess of anger and tears. two nightmares in a week, of death and grief, of confusion and searching for that lost someone.

* * *

in the midst of that crushing loneliness, i went to help out at the church's healing service. and before the pastor prayed over any of the attendees, he called out for "Grace", as he had a word from God.
Surely that is not me, i thought. because i am serving today, not to receive healing!

at the end of the session, i finally went up (since there didn't seem to be other Graces present). and he prayed for me. He prayed for healing of memories, for illnesses that have been plaguing me, for fears and anxieties, for me to be able to move forward. and most importantly, he said, God wanted me to know that He loves me.

wow.

that night, this song stuck in my head and really touched my heart...

In Your Hands (So Close) - Hillsong

I'm so secure, You're here with me 

You stay the same, Your love remains here in my heart 

So close I believe, You're holding me now 

In Your hands I belong, You'll never let me go 

So close I believe, You're holding me now 

In Your hands I belong, You'll never let me go 

You gave your life in Your endless love

You set me free and showed the way 

All along, You were beside me even when I couldn't tell 

Through the years, You showed me more of You, more of You 

* * *

This is Hanglu's prayer for all of us:

Father Lord, we thank you for sending Bernard into our lives. For his charming grace, his positive attitude to life, and his loving nature to his friends and family.

Father, even as we heal from the hurt and pain of feeling that he was taken from us too quickly, too soon, too suddenly, we thank you that we had the chance to make loving memories with him before you called him home.

Father, we pray that these memories will always bring smiles to our faces, even as they bring tears to our eyes.

Father, thank you for walking with us everyday in this last ten years, in times of grief and despair, in mundane everyday moments where life just seems to go on, and in new experiences, new joys, and new trials. And that even when we feel alone, lost, and deserted, Father we thank you that you have never once let go of our hands, and pray that we will learn to see you in every situation in life.

We pray that we will learn to submit to your will and accept what you place us through, and above all, to believe without doubt that you love us, just as you loved your son, Jesus, when you sent him to be crucified for our sins. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

Christmas is a promise of something better

i need to constantly remind myself that the glory and beauty of heaven is far beyond what we have on earth, and what my mind can ever imagine or comprehend.

* * *

Christmas Is a Promise 
By Greg Laurie 

“The people who sat in darkness have seen a great light, And upon those who sat in the region and shadow of death Light has dawned.” 
Matthew 4:16 

For those who have lost a loved one, as my family has, Christmas can be really difficult, especially because it is so filled with memories. So many of those memories are triggered. And when you see other people having fun, it can actually bring a lot of sadness to you. It can even bring you to the point where you would just like to skip Christmas altogether. Have you ever wanted to cancel Christmas? I have. 

I am not saying that we should cancel the celebration of the birth of Christ, of course. I am not saying that we should unstring our lights and put away our presents. But let’s cancel the version of Christmas that has no place for God. Let’s cancel the version of Christmas that says, “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Let’s cancel the version of Christmas that consists of endless hype and activities without any thought of Jesus. 

Let’s get back to what Christmas truly is: a celebration of the birth of Jesus. I like Christmas, actually. I think that at its very best, Christmas is a promise. At its best, Christmas is spending time with family and friends, enjoying holiday meals, laughing together, exchanging gifts, and worshiping together. I think all of these are a glimpse of things to come—because Christmas is really a promise of heaven, a promise of something better. 

You might look around and say, “I wish my loved one who is with the Lord could see this.” You are looking at twinkling lights, but don’t you think what they are seeing is better than what you are seeing? You may be experiencing temporary joys, but your loved one is in the presence of God, seeing the Lord in all of His glory. Now that is a Christmas worth celebrating.

The "what if" that never left me

In a cab on the way to office. And the radio is playing one of the songs that always gets to me - 约定 by 光良.

Together with 童话, these are the worst songs for me to listen to :P
So inevitably, I think of Bernard.

And the question that has plagued me for years, that I can never really get rid of, reason away, ignore, is this - What if I never got him interested to learn diving? Will things turn out different, or will I still lose him another way?

I know there's no point, and there's no end to "what-ifs". It's a futile exercise, a guilt trip. But (and there's always a but) if u ever had a loved one die in your presence, doing something you got him to try, only then will you understand how I feel.

Thank you

To all of you who still click on this blog:

First of all, thank you :) I probably don't know some of you, but the comments and prayers you have left with me have been such an encouragement to me throughout these past many years.

We all go through ups and downs, times in our lives when we feel inspired, and other periods when we are just stuck in the dumps. As time passed, I got caught up with the anxieties of life and chasing after things that i want, and I realize I have forgotten many of the important lessons and insights of those years. seeking to control every aspect of my life, feeling upset with God when things don't turn out the way I want them to, focusing so hard inwardly that I seem to have lost sight of the bigger picture.

and so, when one of you wrote a comment here a few weeks ago, i came back and read through the posts i wrote over the years and all the heartfelt comments. thank you for your encouraging and touching words, for journeying along with me and making me feel like these things matter.

truly, humans have short memories. and journaling is like taking verbal snapshots of our moments in life, reflections that help us grow, mature, remember.

This blog is meant to preserve my precious memories of Bernard, and chronicle the journey of recovery. There are still days that I struggle with my emotions, and I guess they never really go away.

and so, one reason I have stopped updating here is that the inane things in my life don't quite justify a spot (so yes I have another blog that is all about my random ramblings :P), and also, i guess sometimes I feel guilty if I seem to dwell too much on the past.

But I am so glad that I kept this blog :)

Some updates - I have been married for two and a half years now, and my husband has his rightful place in my heart. My sweet, bumbling, clumsy and blur little cocker spaniel puppy too :)

Bernard is precious to me, and I know to some of you too. I miss him every day and he will always have that special place in my heart. Please forgive me for not writing here, but believe me when I say - he is no less important to me now than 7 years ago.

6th anniversary

Bernard will always live in the hearts of those who love him.

Speights

After so many years of searching for this special NZ ale that we loved, i finally saw it today in a proper supermarket, sitting among all the other beers. Cold Storage at Raffles City, to be exact. it's finally here in Singapore! I did find Tui at Carrefour some years back, but we liked Speights better.

Previously, i heard that it came during the annual Beer Fest, but incidentally never got the chance to attend any cos i was always out of town. i did ask a fren to buy a couple of bottles for me one year.

Seeing it today was rather poignant. especially after having dreams and nightmares the whole of last night about Bernard. i woke up several times, fell back asleep, and had dreams of varying sadness. i penned down all of them in detail, but shall not post them here.
and yesterday i happened to look at my whatsapp contacts and saw bernard's contact among them (i never deleted it from my phone). that wasn't the first time. the first time, there was a weird word as the status - "hersch" or something. this time, one of his numbers was tagged with "Bei der Arbeit" (think it means "at work" in German) and another "Hey there! I am using Whatsapp" (he had two mobile numbers).

all these are nothing, i suppose. over the years, memories have come back, happy ones and sad ones. we all go through ups and downs; "moving on" is after all still a journey.

by the way, i'm now studying counselling :) it's all very interesting. there's still much to be done in terms of public education in this area. i see it as a holistic well-being: we see doctors for physical ailments, pastors for spiritual growth, and counsellors for emotional and mental therapy.

4 years on

When I think of Bernard, sometimes I wonder, if i dun write it down somewhere, or tell it to someone, does it make everything less real?

And so, sometimes i tell my closest frens. Sometimes I write it in my blog or personal journal. Most times I just bury it in my heart. Actually at all times I shd just tell it to God. I think i get slightly confused trying to reconcile treasuring the memories of Bernard and telling myself it's okie to let go...between the times when I laugh so happily with someone else and times when I feel guilty coz it seemed like I was seeking refuge in those beautiful perfect memories.. and then on top of it all, assuring people around me that yes I'm well and am moving along..

I think I have enough room in my heart to love someone new, wholeheartedly, yet continue to love bernard in another way. I'm not sure how to explain that.

My heart still skips a beat when I smell a familiar perfume, when I glimpse someone who bears a resemblance to him, when i hear a particular song, when pictures of places we've been to catches my eye.
I'm still terrified of water. I still can't bear to watch scenes of struggling/drowning on tv. And it still hurts sometimes. remembering the immediate aftermath.

God has used time and frens to dull the pain, and helped me grow a whole lot thru these years. He has also drawn me closer to Him.

4 years on, so much has changed. I feel so much older too.
But the fact that he is still so much a part of me and my memories will not change...he is no less real than before.

I guess stepping into another season of life doesn't discount the importance and beauty of seasons past.

Daily Manna - From Pain to Destiny

Daily Manna

August 21, 2009

From Pain to Destiny
By Os Hillman

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything
James 1:2-5

God often allows pain to ignite destiny in our lives. Without motivation, many of us would never fulfill the purposes for which God created us. Oftentimes a measured assault invades our life and creates a depth of pain that all we know to do is press into God with all our being.

At first, our motivation is to alleviate the pain. After a season of extreme emotional and sometimes physical pain, a second phase begins. This phase moves us to discover a new and deeper relationship with God. We begin to discover things about ourselves and about God that we never would have discovered without this motivation. Gradually, our heart changes our motivation from pain to loving obedience because there is a transition of the heart that takes place. No longer do we seek God for deliverance from the pain; we seek God because He is God. We seek His face and not His hand.

When we move to the second phase we often find ourselves moving into a new destiny and calling for our lives because God often separates us from the old life in this process. No doubt Joseph and Peter felt the pain of their individual crises. However, later they could realize God's purposes in their crisis. Like Joseph, we are able to say, "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."

Today, let God move you from the place of pain to the place of destiny. Let God show you the secret things He has reserved for you as a result of the crisis you may find yourself in.

A time for everything

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

In the midst of a busy day at work, i had a moment of quietness when i pondered about relationships.

I know that i have placed my memory of Bernard on such a high pedestal that it is almost impossible for any other person to compare to him in my heart. and it seems that every guy that comes along, inevitably gets compared and falls short.

But the only person we should want to be like and be measured against is Christ.

Recently (after church camp to be exact), i was very convicted... and really want to re-commit my life to God. even in areas that i used to want to keep out of bounds to God. I have lost focus over the past year, and it has made me feel rather disillusioned, hopeless and disappointed. But God is ever faithfully drawing me back to him. And now, i do want to seek His peace that comes from trusting completely in His plan and His timing, even amidst uncertainty. In fact, uncertainty is what tests our faith.

That includes the area of relationship. Thinking back on all the guys that have expressed interest, and all the guys that i have had crushes on (they were somehow two very distinct groups of people..heh).. i realised i have stopped seeking God in this area, instead praying for God to tell me exactly who and when, and by the way please make what i want happen :P

But as i read some books recently, i realised that God has a perfect time for everything. Time is God's way of making sure things don't happen all at once, but there is a reason for some things to happen now and some later... and instead of focusing on what is NOT happening yet, God means for us to focus on the things that He has for us now. It means being faithful and content with where we are now, like savouring each course of a meal.

Right after the accident, i thought, nothing lasts forever. not people, not things, not places. Jesus is the only one who never changes, who is there for us for all time, and in whom we should place our utmost trust and derive our ultimate satisfaction. (but then i forgot this truth along the way :P) Not meaning it in a bad way, but i guess i was also very very attached to Bernard. that even now, i am finding it hard to let him go.

And so in that moment today, i prayed that God will help me to let Bernard go.

Incidentally, my daily devotion book for today was on Ecclesiastes 3. And the commentary said [excerpt] "Let go of what lies behind and press on to what lies ahead (Philippians 3:13-14). Reach toward the new horizon that God has for you. You will be glad you did."

An entry in the phone list

While reading Hanglu's blog, i came across a picture card she posted, and Weisoon suggested it could have been from PostSecret. And so, being curious, i went to have a look. i think i read about the site before but forgot abt it.

and... this one struck me. actually i do it too, for Bernard's contact on my various phones. His work and personal mobile, home telephone number, room telephone number, birthday, dad's number. i was just short of putting in his passport number and issue/expiry dates that i kept for booking trips. and his picture. cos once, his dad called me from home and bernard's picture showed up as the caller. i tell you, that was such a heart attack :P



not sure why we do these stuffs. maybe to assure ourselves of the person's place in our lives in a more tangible way?

Do not fear

365 times God said this. Do not fear.
When He says it that many times, you know that He is serious about it.

I traded a night out of drinking, for a cosy night in of (snacking and) watching Facing the Giants (yeah Jo's vcd has been with me for like... months :P)

It is a very simple show, nothing fancy. and apparently made by a church. even the spectators at the football games were made up of church-goers.

What touched me the most was something that wasn't even the main event.

The coach's wife dearly loves kids, and have been longing for kids of their own. and when they learnt that they are not able to have kids, they were devastated. He went out into the garden to read God's word, and to pray. and then he said to his wife.. Will you still love Him if He doesn't give us children?

Very much later in the show, she went for a pregnancy test (for the third time) and was told, again, by the empathetic nurse, that the results are negative.

Out in the carpark as she raised her face up to the sky, with tears in her eyes, she said, God, I still love You.

At that moment, tears filled my eyes too, as i thought, God, even if you took bernard home with you, away from me now, i still love You.

I've been putting it off, for goodness knows what reason. as if waiting for a suitable time when i'm ready to hear what God has to say.

And so, it is this. With seemingly insurmountable obstacles in our lives, we all need to be reminded of this truth - Nothing is impossible when God is on our side.

Our daily bread

During our weekly lunchtime fellowship today at work, someone mentioned "Our Daily Bread", a daily devotional series. He quoted from Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God". I've heard of the Daily Bread but never went to read it. and so i thought, let's go see what it says.

And then i clicked onto April 30, 2009:

April 30, 2009
I Will Never Leave You

I am with you always, even to the end of the age. - Matthew 28:20

One of my earliest memories of hearing good music was when a male quartet rehearsed at our home. I was about 10 years old, and I was especially attentive to my dad, who sang first tenor. One of the quartet’s favorites was titled, "I Am With You." Even at that tender age, I not only appreciated the music but I "got the message."

Those words of Jesus to His disciples just before He ascended - "I am with you always" - became precious to me as the quartet sang, "In the sunlight, in the shadow, I am with you where you go."

One of the first references to God's unfailing presence was spoken by Moses in Deuteronomy 31:6-8, when he instructed his successor about leading God's people into the "land of promise." And Joshua himself heard the same word from the Lord, "As I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you" (Josh. 1:5).

That promise is repeated in the New Testament, where the writer of Hebrews gave this assurance: "He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'" (13:5).

Wherever you may be today, you are not alone. If you've placed your trust in Jesus for your eternal salvation, you can be certain that He will never leave you. - RBC Ministries

Jesus whispers "I am with you"
In the hour of deepest need;
When the way is dark and lonesome,
"I am with you, I will lead." - Morris

1096 days... When will I stop counting?

Do people try to attach too much meaning to anniversaries? If a person is important in our lives, we shouldn't need to wait till anniversaries to find out, right?

I admit a certain sadistic part of me tries to dwell abit... like, being sad for the sake of being sad -> oh wow... it's 3 years. how significant huh?? kinda thing.

then again, i guess it's okie... I remember meeting Janice soon after the accident. and that was 5 years after she lost her boyfriend to an accident. she tells me... yeah even till then, every February she still jolts awake from nightmares. cos February was his birthday and death anniversary and also Valentine's Day.

I didn't think much of what to do tomorrow (actually today now). things just happened. The girls were talking about celebrating our 5th year anniversary of friendship sometime in May. but for one reason or another, it was changed to 30 Apr. and i thot... how ironic, that we should be celebrating our friendship anniversary on this very day that i lost Bernard. but, thinking abit more, it's quite a good thing after all! to have my dearest galfrens around me, that means so much to me... they are the very ones who literally dragged me out of my depression. cos they decided that it's time to stop sitting around looking so tragic :P so, yes, in a way, it is a celebration in many ways.

And thanks to this party, i haven't had much time to be sad... heh. After work, i tried to shop for a meaningful gift for all the girls to commemorate this occasion though to no avail... then i had to go for my drums class. and since today Robinsons was having a private cardmember's sale till 10.30pm, i rushed over after drums to stock up on some stuffs. and by the time i got home, packed for tomorrow and settled down to write this, oh look it's so late already! no time to pine! tomorrow i'm staying over at Crystal's place after the party (a precautionary measure in case i drink too much n get all melodramatic.. ahh i plan so well...) so need to pack quite abit. and since it's a big night tomorrow, i mustn't cry tonight! or else my already-small eyes will just disappear! so, see, very sensible and logical and all.



As i went through all our photos just now for this post, i realized how i have forgotten the feeling of being in love. (okie, we were quite egoistic and thot we looked so wonderfully gorgeous..hence the many self-portraits..) Photos after photos of us snuggling comfortably together, the radiance in our smiles that only the glow of love brings out... even without makeup and fancy clothes (most of them were taken in such slipshod getup!), i think i looked better then, compared to the polished photos of now.

The feeling of being in love... it struck me quite hard. As i have spent the past many months trying to convince myself that i can and might settle... that to be loved is much better than to love. But i couldn't. and these photos just reminded me that to love with all our hearts, to want to give so much of ourselves, to dearly wish the best for our better half... that is the best feeling in the world.



Through this whole experience, i have learnt much about and become closer to God and also my DG. now, i don't fear death like i used to (i always averted my gaze whenever i passed by a wake/cortege/casket house. i understand why as Christians we look forward to eternity (i used to wonder why i would want to live forever)... and it doesn't matter that in heaven, there is no husband-wife-parent-child kinda relationships - we are all brothers and sisters - i really look forward to seeing bernard again, seeing that beautiful smile. In the meantime, i am just praying and working hard at finding ways to share the gospel with my family so that we can all be together in eternity.

i do still slip... please pray for me to not give myself up to bitterness and indulgence. (and remember that drinking so much will pile on the kilos!!)

Crystal smsed me her prayer for me, which is very encouraging:
"Prayed tat God will draw u close to Him, guide u in all areas of ur life, live each day to the fullest & meaningfully and find joy in bringing His love to each person u meet everyday as best as u can. :-)"

Journeying with God

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
- Matt 11:28-30


I read this and was very touched by the simple message...

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.