In a cab on the way to office. And the radio is playing one of the songs that always gets to me - 约定 by 光良.
Together with 童话, these are the worst songs for me to listen to :P
So inevitably, I think of Bernard.
And the question that has plagued me for years, that I can never really get rid of, reason away, ignore, is this - What if I never got him interested to learn diving? Will things turn out different, or will I still lose him another way?
I know there's no point, and there's no end to "what-ifs". It's a futile exercise, a guilt trip. But (and there's always a but) if u ever had a loved one die in your presence, doing something you got him to try, only then will you understand how I feel.
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Every year, when Bernard's death anniversary date comes around... I mean to sms you to say I remember and am with you. But every year I don't because I hope you would have forgotten the date and I don't want to remind you. This year I resolved to tell you this, but did not in the end after all. It's so strange to realise that 8 years have passed. So many things seem that have happened and changed, yet so many things about who we are always remains. I couldn't bring myself to msg you because I keep imagining how you'd be perfectly fine doing something else and then remember to be sad. But I really wanted to say, I remember too. *hugs*
thank you dear for remembering :,)
every year on the anniversary, i wonder who else remembers. i wonder whether people think i have forgotten. and then i wonder how i can tell the world how important he will always be to me, that i always remember, without sounding like a broken record :P i think of visiting the niche, think of his family, and how i've could never bear to see them again, much as i wish i had kept in touch and cared for them.
actually sometimes i also think, oh i didn't realise at the time that i must have totally screwed up your celebration plans for Ws' bday the next day haha.
as for what i was doing - i was at work for 13 hours, went home and stuck myself in front of the tv, and then after that i was completely exhausted. heh.
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