10 years on

10 years on, i mustered up enough courage to visit the niche again.

everytime i see his photo, that youthful, beautiful and kind smile pierces right through my heart. oh the guilt that weighs on every part of my being.

* * *

There are a few deep, dark places in my heart that i try not to visit too much, and this is one of them. but sometimes, they resurface in the form of nightmares.

i clicked onto the list of posts of this blog, and what no one sees are those unpublished drafts, a record of nightmares.

10 years on, i wish i can say i am joyously celebrating the beautiful memories of Bernard, and witnessing God's love and blessings to others.

but these past two weeks the buried emotions threaten to bubble over.
a usually logical, tough, composed person becomes a crumbling mess of anger and tears. two nightmares in a week, of death and grief, of confusion and searching for that lost someone.

* * *

in the midst of that crushing loneliness, i went to help out at the church's healing service. and before the pastor prayed over any of the attendees, he called out for "Grace", as he had a word from God.
Surely that is not me, i thought. because i am serving today, not to receive healing!

at the end of the session, i finally went up (since there didn't seem to be other Graces present). and he prayed for me. He prayed for healing of memories, for illnesses that have been plaguing me, for fears and anxieties, for me to be able to move forward. and most importantly, he said, God wanted me to know that He loves me.

wow.

that night, this song stuck in my head and really touched my heart...

In Your Hands (So Close) - Hillsong

I'm so secure, You're here with me 

You stay the same, Your love remains here in my heart 

So close I believe, You're holding me now 

In Your hands I belong, You'll never let me go 

So close I believe, You're holding me now 

In Your hands I belong, You'll never let me go 

You gave your life in Your endless love

You set me free and showed the way 

All along, You were beside me even when I couldn't tell 

Through the years, You showed me more of You, more of You 

* * *

This is Hanglu's prayer for all of us:

Father Lord, we thank you for sending Bernard into our lives. For his charming grace, his positive attitude to life, and his loving nature to his friends and family.

Father, even as we heal from the hurt and pain of feeling that he was taken from us too quickly, too soon, too suddenly, we thank you that we had the chance to make loving memories with him before you called him home.

Father, we pray that these memories will always bring smiles to our faces, even as they bring tears to our eyes.

Father, thank you for walking with us everyday in this last ten years, in times of grief and despair, in mundane everyday moments where life just seems to go on, and in new experiences, new joys, and new trials. And that even when we feel alone, lost, and deserted, Father we thank you that you have never once let go of our hands, and pray that we will learn to see you in every situation in life.

We pray that we will learn to submit to your will and accept what you place us through, and above all, to believe without doubt that you love us, just as you loved your son, Jesus, when you sent him to be crucified for our sins. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.