心酸 xīn suān : definition : 内心悲痛

When i close my eyes i see him...

sometimes, i see someone whose gait resembles his, i smell the perfume he used when i first knew him (it's not a common scent, thank goodness!), and i feel such heartache.

one day, i was going down an escalator near my office, and saw a bunch of little children sitting around, probably on an excursion. one very cute little boy caught my eye. he was sitting there quietly, with those big, innocent and dreamy eyes. my heart skipped a beat (very painful i must say!) because he looked almost exactly like Bernard at that age.

the image of that little boy haunted me the whole day.

Baby Audrey's 2nd birthday

We celebrated baby Audrey's birthday today.
Actually, she's not a baby anymore, running around n exclaiming n basking in the limelight. how time flies.

Bernard loves her so much... he loves to play with her. it always gave me a warm feeling watching him sayang her :)



When i bought her birthday present, i thot, this is from your bernard shushu and grace yiyi... but of cos, you'd think i'm nuts. Right after the accident i must have also gone slightly mental from the trauma, i kept crying n wishing that bernard and i had a baby too so that i could still have a part of him by my side to hold...

Anyway, Audrey is a smart and cheeky little gal now. This is how she's grown over the past year:


June 2006


August 2006


October 2007
She happily went around distributing the cake to everybody, then proudly declared that the bigger portion of the cake is for herself :) Lots of new toys and clothes (including the one that's a wee bit too small... i'm so bad at estimation :P)

Aotearoa, The Land of the Long White Cloud

I was reading the news this morning about the eruption of Mount Ruapehu in New Zealand, and for a moment i forgot... i nearly forwarded the article to Bernard.


Mount Ruapehu

En route to Taupo, we drove thru the desert with spectacular views of the three volcanoes - Mount Tongariro, Mount Ngauruhoe and Mount Ruapehu. My fave is the beautiful cone-shaped Ngauruhoe, which was used as Mount Doom in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. Ruapehu was Mordor, i think.


Some of the smaller peaks of Ruapehu that were used as Mordor
It was a gorgeous drive (albeit slightly scary. we learnt to take speed limits seriously. 25kph MEANS 25kph!), winding through tight narrow roads before hitting a vast expanse of desert. At which point, we were joined by several military trucks marked with a huge "mortar" word behind each one. Bernard joked that we shud try to get further away from them cos it looks so dangerous. We overtook them, but time and again they reappeared... Being the playful n drama guy, bernard started weaving stories of how they are stalking us, and thou it may seem silly, he does make the long drives really entertaining. Anyway, we deduced that they were heading towards Waiouru, a military town.

After crossing the desert, we reached the south end of Lake Taupo, a breathtakingly scenic n peaceful lake that lies in a caldera created by a huge volcanic eruption eons ago. According to NZ tourism magazines, Lake Taupo is approximately the size of Singapore!

We dined alfresco by the lake as the sun set (when bernard abandoned me for a good part of an hour as he went to take photos of the sunset). He also spoke with an elderly couple who had moved to Taupo for their retirement. We decided that we'd also plan to retire in New Zealand. Although staying in a volcano crater sounds a little adventuresome to me... We even opened a NZD account.

I really really love New Zealand. There's so much natural beauty and wonder... so much i still want to see and do. But then, perhaps some part of this strong feeling is because of how bernard made me feel. Perhaps it is because i was there with him. Now, i'm not sure if i'll ever go back. because my memories of New Zealand and my whole experience is so inextricably linked to Bernard.

Btw, three things that we love n i can't find outside of NZ - Speight's ale, Allan Scott wine and hokey pokey ice cream - please tell me if you ever see them :)

Foodie

A couple of nights ago, i dreamt that i was having a meal with Bernard. can't remember much of the details now thou...

since i was going thru old posts and fixing photos that disappeared, thot i'll put these here..even thou it's super unglam la..grin.


A hearty brunch after skydiving in New Zealand.
We were still high from the adrenaline rush, and famished. Both of us love to eat. Like true blue Singaporeans, we wouldn't think twice about going any distance or waiting (like, standing in queue for 2hrs...) to have a good meal. And we always bought extra for each other whenever we tried something really good.

Before we started dating, when we just got to know each other, i'd sometimes come back to my work desk and find some food (and a little note with no name)... Thinking back i still remember that thrill i felt seeing something there for me from whom i hoped was Bernard. And (after waiting a long time) when an email arrives from him asking me how was the food, i'd get all excited but of cos seemed suitably surprised :P

Once it was apple strudel from Werner's Oven, then it was peng kueh from some famous stall. And during the company's Idol competition, i'd walk in on him busy munching away at the food stand. That really broke the ice!

I love to watch him eat. He eats with an intensity that really fascinates me. It's so nice to see people enjoying their food.

It's late now, i can't seem to string my thots together and write properly. So it's all a bit disjointed.

Looking thru our photos, i tried to imagine Bernard standing here beside me, tried to remember the feeling of holding his hand, how he smells like, how it feels to be safe and happy and having someone so dear to talk to about the most mundane details of my life. and it's very sad thinking that it's all so long ago...

I miss him so terribly.

C'est mon rêve :)

This is taken today:





It is nearer to the MRT than i thot! Took me less than 5 min to take a leisurely stroll from the MRT to my new home.. i was very pleased :D And it's all very convenient! There's a hawker centre at the MRT, a bakery, tiny gift shop, 7-11, sushi bar, Mr. Bean, and even the same laundromat as the one near my office that i use! I have all the essentials!

I feel so happy n excited every time i see the building progressing nicely. It's like every day brings me nearer to fulfilling my dream.

Now, there's completely no scaffolding, and all the perimeter walls are up! (No more sneaking into the construction site thou... hee) Even the shelter for the BBQ area is on its way up. I can't wait to move in already! It still feels so unreal...

Actually i wonder whether the workers there recognise this crazy gal who turns up every couple of months and loiters around... and this time armed with a proper camera instead of a phone :P

* * *
After that, i went to the Expo for the Home & Design 2007. wah super far man. the last time i went there was for the CFA exam.

Bernard and i had gone for a home expo in Dec 2005, right after we bought our home. nevermind that it was far from completion then, we were so so excited.

Anyway, i just wanted to get a sense of the pricing and perhaps what to expect. Wasn't expecting to find something i like cos i'll prefer to work with someone who is referred by a fren. but it's always good to do our homework, and talk to as many people as necessary to be smart consumers. Bernard has always been the street-smart one between the two of us, so now i've gotta learn to take care of everything!

I talked to 5 IDs in all, i think. that's a lot. wah it's tiring man. but it's interesting to see how different people approach it.

* * *
Since i was already on the other end of Singapore, i went to the airport, one of my fave places to go. Just to walk walk and have dinner. it was surprisingly liberating to have dinner on my own.

Random thots about moving on

This morning i read the Sunday Times with a tinge of heartache and sadness. There was an article about the two teenages who died in a car crash last weekend, followed by stories of how people generally come to terms with grief and loss.

I seem to have automatically done most of the things... the ways people cope. Website, scrapbook, a little corner of my room with our photos and memorabilia, things that allowed me to work thru my grief and put it in a tangible form.

After reading that article, i was lost in thought the whole morning. As time passes, my life slowly takes on a semblance of its former form. So, sometimes i try to remember the times immediately following the accident, not for the purpose of wallowing in sorrow, but to recall how it was like to have a heightened sense of awareness of... everything.

At that time, it seemed like everything around me was sharp to my senses. Although i seemed pretty dazed, I was very emotional and sensitive to people's expressions, body language, and also, for lack of a better word, i "wrestled" day and night with God and felt deeply His impact on my life. I thought a lot, often philosophically, and mellowed quite abit.

Now, i am learning to make decisions about my own life again, what i want to do, and so on. And in the process, i thought alot about the possibility of a new relationship as well. When i was seeing the counsellor, he said to me, the fact that i was ready to settle down and accept Bernard's proposal showed that in my life i do want to experience married life. Some people consciously decide that they don't fancy marriage, but i do want it, and he's right. Very much in fact.

Just last week, i was having lunch with two male colleagues, who are both in steady relationships and about to settle down. After chatting a little about each of their plans (house, wedding, the works), one of them turned to me and said, "How about you grace? We are always talking about us, and we never talk about you. Are you seeing anyone? Outside? Are you sure? Anyone at all?" (dun ask, i'm not sure what "outside" meant! heh), to which i responded with a laugh, "No i'm not seeing anyone, and it's ok i'm quite happy listening to your plans! We don't have to talk about me!" And then, the first time anybody has asked me this question: "By the way are you straight??"

I'm not offended at all, and have been relating this story to frens as a joke. But then i got to thinking... must we be dating to be socially accepted? Is it a compliment when people look at us incredulously and exclaim how unusual it is that a gal "like you" is not attached? Has something gotta be wrong with us if we are not dating or married?

All these random thoughts have been coming back to me with more frequency lately. And somehow, this morning in church when i closed my eyes in prayer (obviously my mind was preoccupied and not listening at all :P), i suddenly decided, that i am going to give up on love. Romantic love, that is. It is not the result of a cynical or hopeless outlook in life; i still believe in love. I'm a sucker for romantic shows. I am very happy for my frens who are happily in love. But that doesn't mean that i have to be in love to believe in it. I just don't want it anymore. Thru a rational decision process, i came to the conclusion that it is just not going to happen. Bernard was my greatest love, still is, and will always be.

I still hope, of course. I hope to stay on my own, i hope to see an aurora, i hope to learn to play drums... and most of all, i have my hope in Jesus Christ, a hope that is not a possibility but a reality.

And I prayed that God will focus my heart and my life on Him.

We didn't make it that far

i tend to get overly excited when people talk about their new homes, esp young couples. sometimes i'd catch myself just before blurting out (in front of people who don't/needn't know) my own experience with HDB balloting, or my anticipation for my own home.

i guess i'm just glad that 1) there is something for me to look forward to, else life will be such a routine. i operate on autopilot nowadays.. 2)there are very dear frens who look forward to it together with me and put up with all my relentless obsessing. otherwise, it would be quite a lonely sorta anticipation.

I read hanglu's blog about mornings at home with weisoon, with a bittersweet feeling. sweet because it's really so nice and i'm happy for my best fren.. bitter because i remember dreaming thru it with bernard.

(ok this gonna sound silly)
we had spent many wonderful hours savouring every bit of this dream... simply gazing at our floorplan and dreaming ourselves thru the "typical day in our home". tracing his finger around the floorplan, he'd narrate us thru the rooms from waking up in the morning and having breakfast, getting ready for work (walk-in wardrobe and all), to coming home at night and snuggling up in bed. i know it's so nice beause even thou we never made it that far, the foretaste of it was staying over at each other's place or on our holidays... waking up next to each other and debating what to have for breakfast (i'm a huge fan of breakfast).

many times, i'd just observe him, and think with wonder in my heart that we are gonna have each other for the rest of our lives... with a tiny speck of disbelief that life can be so beautiful.

only thing is that it really isn't.

What we remember after the squabbles

Though i think of our relationship as a "fairytale romance", we had our share of couple squabbles too. sometimes i think these squabbles are what makes the experience so real.

Every time i go for facial (like today), i'll get reminded of this...

Last April, i had a facial appointment after work, and Bernard said he'd send me there. i was running late for my appointment; the traffic was heavy; we were bickering about something in the car. Maneuvering the traffic added to our tension. when we finally got to an expressway, i realized (too late) that we had gone the wrong way... When i told Bernard, he was so angry n frustrated that it scared me abit. I called to change my appointment to another day and told him it's ok. Then, i realized that his anger wasn't directed at me. he wanted so badly to get me to where i wanted to go, that it frustrated him when he couldn't. it wasn't about the appointment or our miscommunication, but simply him wanting to give me everything i wanted. it's strange, but at that moment i felt really touched.

I thought of another time we quarrelled..
We had dinner at Maxwell market after work, and for some reason we were quarrelling, and ended the evening on a bad note. The next day, he had an interview in the afternoon. I texted him to wish him, and his immediate reply carried so much joy and relief that all previous unpleasantness melted away. he told me he could go for the interview with ease after seeing my message and knowing all is well between us.

Another time, in the midst of another squabble, i cancelled lunch with Bernard due to work (i was preparing for a big presentation that afternoon). i think he wanted to bring me for a nice lunch to help me relax before the presentation, so obviously cancelling on him didn't help the situation. even though he was unhappy with me, just before the presentation, he texted me to remind me to eat something, in case i feel weak or unwell during the presentation. even in the gruff tone i can feel his concern.

My point in all these recollections is, even though during a quarrel we all feel the need, no matter how unreasonable, to get our point across and demand that we are right, most of the time after the whole episode we can hardly remember what it was all about. From these memories, no matter how hard i try i can't remember the actual content of the squabbles and who "won". i can only remember very clearly the warm feeling of making up and all the happiness of knowing that one of us (either one) gave in because of love. even if one of us wins the argument, did our relationship win? no, in fact, it can be very damaging to have a clear winner each time (the only huge quarrel i can remember i "won" remains one of my regrets till now).

This is also why it is so important to have Christ at the centre of a relationship, to guide us in love, so that the focus is on Him and not on our own self-righteousness and pride.

Losing someone

Can you lose someone if you know where he is?

So, if i know n believe that bernard is in heaven, have i lost him?

it is an interesting question... more like a play on words. i haven't figured it out.

it's still very painful to think abt it. whether i try to recall happy times or terrifying moments it leaves me empty and sad. i've had dreams from which i wake up crying, the inevitable "why" still creeps into my mind every now and then... but i just don't talk about it anymore. because a combination of pride and peer pressure means that i have to be strong, deal with it, move on and be a better person for it.

as time passes, people will get tired of it... it's all just buried in my heart. not that i want to (in fact i don't), but i feel more and more distant from people. it's tiring especially to meet new people/old acquaintances and deal with all their questions.

If you have met "the one" and lost him/her, will you settle for someone else eventually? can you love again, and will that be considered second-best?

The difference between that, and someone who feels that he/she has not met "the one", is the finality of the first. I've asked many frens this, and thought a lot about it, but it is another question i have not found a satisfactory answer to.

Travel times

Yesterday i had to go to Tampines for a bridesmaid fitting session. So, being the obsessive planner i am, i timed the following legs of the MRT journey :P

: Bishan to Eunos - 33 min
: Orchard to Eunos - 21 min
: City Hall to Eunos - 11 min (pretty fast!)

And today, i went to Samuel's new place to see his ID works. He stays like 5 min drive from my place! Love his wife and daughter... she's so friendly n encouraging :) yay building up my network in my new place already!

I feel so happy everytime i see how well the building is progressing.

One more column!

I'm back from the States, and after plowing thru tonnes of mail, i discovered that our house is one column away from TOP!!! :D

By that, i mean the progressive payment schedule... they show the progress in columns and fill in the dates as they go along, and there's only one blank column before TOP! suddenly! That means the interior is all completed. plumbing and the works. left with the landscaping and pool and all those pretty stuff. wah....

so, i went to the site with mahesh last night. again... i noe. sounds a bit obsessive, but 1) it's always with different frens who want to see the place, 2) very excited mah... first time + very proud homeowner!

this time, we sneaked into the site! *horrors* i hesitated ("can meh??") but mahesh beckoned ("can la! come on!!")
thou we got chased out eventually, i'm glad we went in! it's really cool. climbed around the pool area, and got up close to the inside patio of my unit. words can't describe the surreal n serene feeling i had while standing in the middle of the site, looking up and around silently. thinking of bernard in my heart... here i am dear, finally :)

All the windows!!

No more half raw! see, it looks quite different from the last photo in the previous post... now ALL the windows on this side are fixed!!! ;D

Crystal wanted to see the house, so we drove there after work today, before meeting Father Simon for dinner. Very happie n excited that it is progressing so well! I really hope that i can do it...

Dream home updates

On my way to the airport today, i drove past our home to check out the progress.

28 Jan 07:
This was how it looked. 3rd going on 4th storey. not too bad, considering they started building maybe in the third quarter of last year.



12 May 07:
Went with kris to see; they've finished the concrete structure, all 5 storeys of it. kinda revised my estimation from end-07 to early-08.

Today, 24 Jun 07:
It looks like this!



Can it be??? wow!!! the windows are fixed!!!

i have a thing about windows. i judge the near-ness of a building's completion by the windows. when the condo opposite crystal's place had its windows fixed, i declared to her that finally, it's almost done. heh

when i saw this, the mixture of surprise and happiness almost made me tear... *blush* it's silly maybe... suddenly felt a little emotional and all. i've been looking forward so much to this, the project that keeps me going n gives me such hope and excitement... yet not without sleepness nights filled with worry and fear, times when i nearly wanted to give up everything.
the home that i dreamt of together with bernard, now i dream by myself all the time... can it be? almost within reach?

i parked the car, smiling to myself, my heart lifted... (then i realised my camera battery flat :P luckily got handphone). anyway, as i took the photos, n drove away, i thot in my heart... dear baby, it's almost completed. those times we said we'd take photos of every stage of the progress, the days we laughed in joy thinking of a lifetime of togetherness.

i'll carry on this dream. it will still be a happy home. one day, this home will always be open to family n frens. when a venue for parties, gatherings, bible studies is needed, it will be available. it makes me happy thinking that i'll be able to offer my home.


my unit is one of those in this picture :)
its abit funny how half looks almost done n the other half looks kinda... raw? hor?

Our video is up

i've finally posted the video that i made for the anniversary. had to resize it abit...

you can access it here

i would appreciate it if you'd let me know before embedding it or posting it anywhere, okie?

Bargain hunters

On the mrt to work (tryin to concentrate on my endowment management book) my mind strayed, as usual :P

Maybe abit excited abt stopping over in NY after my training in July and thinking of where to stay... suddenly remembered the hotel that bernard and i stayed in Auckland.

In NZ, we stayed at motels throughout becos it's cheaper and provides free parking (not to mention completes the whole road trip experience). Auckland was our last stop before heading home, and as a lovely surprise for me, bernard took advantage of corporate rates and made reservations at a really nice hotel.

Both of us are by nature not very extravagent in our expenditure, and bernard is a bargain hunter with a flair for negotiating (i really love that about him, that street-smartness). So, we couldn't help it...

- First, we asked if there's complimentary parking for hotel guests (No). So, where can we find the cheapest parking? (we eventually parked on the street, it's free at night, and we woke up early to move the car.)
- Then, itchy fingers me was playing around with the hotel safe and locked it before realizing that it's pay-per-use (pretty high-tech tracking system). So we went downstairs to ask them to unlock it n reverse the charges, cos we decided not to use it after all.
- While we were loitering around the lobby, we thought might as well ask (this one abit paiseh), do they provide complimentary bottled water? (No, but you can sit in the lobby where they serve iced water.) *grin* So where is the nearest hypermart? (A couple of kilometers away.) Can we walk there? (Yes)

Laughs~
btw we didn't sit in the lobby n drink free water okie... abit kua zhang!

So we strolled to the hypermart in the cool evening breeze, laughing at ourselves and enjoying each other's company. Really love supermarket shopping overseas. Bought water and groceries and cooked our own dinner (rather, bernard cooked for us) before dressing up and heading off to the Sky Casino. You can see our picture taken in the room in the side panel here.

Long after the trip, we continued to laugh at how we must have looked so cheapskate to the hotel staff!

簡單愛

I was going thru some photos, and saw this one taken during NDP 2005. It isn't much, but it struck me that i looked happy...

Of cos, i have laughed and felt happy over the past year. but the feeling that this picture captures...somehow i can't describe it... but i know i haven't felt this kind of simple happiness in a long time.

Showflat

Blogger's block

Don't really know what to write, so post some pictures of the showflat taken by Bernard n me:

Living Room



Dining



Master Bedroom



Kitchen



Bathrooms

What if it was me?

How would Bernard have handled things if it was me who died? i wonder about this all the time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bernard has had his share of trials in life, and his attitude n perserverence, despite all of it, always inspires me. Even after he's gone, he lives in my heart and continues to inspire me and carry me thru long days and dark nights.... times when i feel like giving up.

Looking forward - bernard

Something that had a strong impact on me, is the attitude that there is always something to look forward to.

During the week, he would text me everyday and wish me good morning...the weekend is near again, and this is what we'd be doing! he sounds so excited that i can't help but be lifted up as well. When i had a particularly difficult week, he counted down the hours for me towards our holiday.

Blessings - bernard

Bernard was always thankful for every small blessing. Every little thing in life, to him, can be God's little reminder that we are loved. even getting a parking lot in a crowded place. actually, he seems to be really blessed. or maybe, again, it's his wonderful attitude that just makes the world so beautiful.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(continued on 18 June 07)

Looking forward - grace

In the past, i used to be afraid to look forward to things or events, for fear of building up high expectations and getting disappointed. but now, looking forward is the only way to go on.

i'm thankful that there has been many things for me to focus on and look forward to in the past year - i looked forward very much to the US trip last year, and when i came back i looked forward to going HK. after that, i looked forward to a change of job environment. then to the end of CFA exam. and in the midst of year-end festivities there were little treats like hotel stays, spa, parties, dance workshop, movies, dinners...

The new year rolled around, and there was the taiwan trip to look forward to. work piled up quickly, i saw many frens thru their major milestones... and it was time for the greatly anticipated church camp, which was such a blessed and wonderful time. and before i know it, half the year has passed, and i am now looking forward to going to the US again. and in the midst of all these, i'm looking forward very much to the completion of my home, researching and budgetting and planning for it.

i no longer worry about being disappointed by high expectations, because i learnt that disappointment sets in when i focus on me. instead, when i focus on what i can give, i receive more joy and satisfaction.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So.... what if it was me? would he sit around and mope everyday? cry all the time? drink himself into oblivion? i think not...

I guess i wouldn't know. Great trials draw out the best and worst in all of us. at my worst, well, that's very painful to try to recall...well it's all recorded in my journal which i haven't dared to re-read. Most times i like to think of Bernard at his best instead.

From what i know of him, from his recount of the challenges in his life, i have a mental picture of his journey, if it was me. Closing my eyes, i see him going back to work after a while. He hurts, but he manages to joke as usual, to speak to his customers in that strong n assuring voice that i know so well n love dearly. He puts all his energy into work, strives to achieve the targets with fierce determination. He goes home tired, but doesn't want his family to worry about him. He spends time with his frens, but also takes long drives alone. He struggles, but he is resilient n independent. And i know for sure, he visits my family n continues to care for them.

Though i won't know if i'm right, you can say that this is all my own imagination, it's ok cos i don't want to find out...

In any case, that mental picture is what keeps me going.

Dear Lord...
why did You take bernard with You, but not me?
what were You thinking the day You left me behind...?

Of being drawn to death

One strange habit that came out of this whole ... thing ... is, i read the obituaries everytime i browse thru the ST! as well as reports of accidents. i read them all carefully, sometimes pausing, pondering, feeling...

it is as if reading them, i can somehow make some sense of what happens in this world to you and me. not just to other people. but to you and me.

normally, people browse thru the headlines. they might think, what a pity... or how sad...

now, i seem to live out in my heart n mind - lost for a moment - how the event must have unfolded. and how the survivors might be feeling then and after.

the depth of such relation comes only after one experiences death of a loved one.

the most recent was the death of this guy called Alex Lim last Sunday. this one, i felt very very deeply.
in short, what started out as a dispute over a minor car accident unfolded into a nightmare, where he struggled for his life for over a month.
a dashing young man at the prime of his life, a bright future ahead in the financial industry. his girlfriend was at the scene of the accident. she is only 24 yrs old. then i wondered... how is she taking it?

is it healthy to be so drawn to death?