What we remember after the squabbles

Though i think of our relationship as a "fairytale romance", we had our share of couple squabbles too. sometimes i think these squabbles are what makes the experience so real.

Every time i go for facial (like today), i'll get reminded of this...

Last April, i had a facial appointment after work, and Bernard said he'd send me there. i was running late for my appointment; the traffic was heavy; we were bickering about something in the car. Maneuvering the traffic added to our tension. when we finally got to an expressway, i realized (too late) that we had gone the wrong way... When i told Bernard, he was so angry n frustrated that it scared me abit. I called to change my appointment to another day and told him it's ok. Then, i realized that his anger wasn't directed at me. he wanted so badly to get me to where i wanted to go, that it frustrated him when he couldn't. it wasn't about the appointment or our miscommunication, but simply him wanting to give me everything i wanted. it's strange, but at that moment i felt really touched.

I thought of another time we quarrelled..
We had dinner at Maxwell market after work, and for some reason we were quarrelling, and ended the evening on a bad note. The next day, he had an interview in the afternoon. I texted him to wish him, and his immediate reply carried so much joy and relief that all previous unpleasantness melted away. he told me he could go for the interview with ease after seeing my message and knowing all is well between us.

Another time, in the midst of another squabble, i cancelled lunch with Bernard due to work (i was preparing for a big presentation that afternoon). i think he wanted to bring me for a nice lunch to help me relax before the presentation, so obviously cancelling on him didn't help the situation. even though he was unhappy with me, just before the presentation, he texted me to remind me to eat something, in case i feel weak or unwell during the presentation. even in the gruff tone i can feel his concern.

My point in all these recollections is, even though during a quarrel we all feel the need, no matter how unreasonable, to get our point across and demand that we are right, most of the time after the whole episode we can hardly remember what it was all about. From these memories, no matter how hard i try i can't remember the actual content of the squabbles and who "won". i can only remember very clearly the warm feeling of making up and all the happiness of knowing that one of us (either one) gave in because of love. even if one of us wins the argument, did our relationship win? no, in fact, it can be very damaging to have a clear winner each time (the only huge quarrel i can remember i "won" remains one of my regrets till now).

This is also why it is so important to have Christ at the centre of a relationship, to guide us in love, so that the focus is on Him and not on our own self-righteousness and pride.

Losing someone

Can you lose someone if you know where he is?

So, if i know n believe that bernard is in heaven, have i lost him?

it is an interesting question... more like a play on words. i haven't figured it out.

it's still very painful to think abt it. whether i try to recall happy times or terrifying moments it leaves me empty and sad. i've had dreams from which i wake up crying, the inevitable "why" still creeps into my mind every now and then... but i just don't talk about it anymore. because a combination of pride and peer pressure means that i have to be strong, deal with it, move on and be a better person for it.

as time passes, people will get tired of it... it's all just buried in my heart. not that i want to (in fact i don't), but i feel more and more distant from people. it's tiring especially to meet new people/old acquaintances and deal with all their questions.

If you have met "the one" and lost him/her, will you settle for someone else eventually? can you love again, and will that be considered second-best?

The difference between that, and someone who feels that he/she has not met "the one", is the finality of the first. I've asked many frens this, and thought a lot about it, but it is another question i have not found a satisfactory answer to.

Travel times

Yesterday i had to go to Tampines for a bridesmaid fitting session. So, being the obsessive planner i am, i timed the following legs of the MRT journey :P

: Bishan to Eunos - 33 min
: Orchard to Eunos - 21 min
: City Hall to Eunos - 11 min (pretty fast!)

And today, i went to Samuel's new place to see his ID works. He stays like 5 min drive from my place! Love his wife and daughter... she's so friendly n encouraging :) yay building up my network in my new place already!

I feel so happy everytime i see how well the building is progressing.

One more column!

I'm back from the States, and after plowing thru tonnes of mail, i discovered that our house is one column away from TOP!!! :D

By that, i mean the progressive payment schedule... they show the progress in columns and fill in the dates as they go along, and there's only one blank column before TOP! suddenly! That means the interior is all completed. plumbing and the works. left with the landscaping and pool and all those pretty stuff. wah....

so, i went to the site with mahesh last night. again... i noe. sounds a bit obsessive, but 1) it's always with different frens who want to see the place, 2) very excited mah... first time + very proud homeowner!

this time, we sneaked into the site! *horrors* i hesitated ("can meh??") but mahesh beckoned ("can la! come on!!")
thou we got chased out eventually, i'm glad we went in! it's really cool. climbed around the pool area, and got up close to the inside patio of my unit. words can't describe the surreal n serene feeling i had while standing in the middle of the site, looking up and around silently. thinking of bernard in my heart... here i am dear, finally :)

All the windows!!

No more half raw! see, it looks quite different from the last photo in the previous post... now ALL the windows on this side are fixed!!! ;D

Crystal wanted to see the house, so we drove there after work today, before meeting Father Simon for dinner. Very happie n excited that it is progressing so well! I really hope that i can do it...

Dream home updates

On my way to the airport today, i drove past our home to check out the progress.

28 Jan 07:
This was how it looked. 3rd going on 4th storey. not too bad, considering they started building maybe in the third quarter of last year.



12 May 07:
Went with kris to see; they've finished the concrete structure, all 5 storeys of it. kinda revised my estimation from end-07 to early-08.

Today, 24 Jun 07:
It looks like this!



Can it be??? wow!!! the windows are fixed!!!

i have a thing about windows. i judge the near-ness of a building's completion by the windows. when the condo opposite crystal's place had its windows fixed, i declared to her that finally, it's almost done. heh

when i saw this, the mixture of surprise and happiness almost made me tear... *blush* it's silly maybe... suddenly felt a little emotional and all. i've been looking forward so much to this, the project that keeps me going n gives me such hope and excitement... yet not without sleepness nights filled with worry and fear, times when i nearly wanted to give up everything.
the home that i dreamt of together with bernard, now i dream by myself all the time... can it be? almost within reach?

i parked the car, smiling to myself, my heart lifted... (then i realised my camera battery flat :P luckily got handphone). anyway, as i took the photos, n drove away, i thot in my heart... dear baby, it's almost completed. those times we said we'd take photos of every stage of the progress, the days we laughed in joy thinking of a lifetime of togetherness.

i'll carry on this dream. it will still be a happy home. one day, this home will always be open to family n frens. when a venue for parties, gatherings, bible studies is needed, it will be available. it makes me happy thinking that i'll be able to offer my home.


my unit is one of those in this picture :)
its abit funny how half looks almost done n the other half looks kinda... raw? hor?

Our video is up

i've finally posted the video that i made for the anniversary. had to resize it abit...

you can access it here

i would appreciate it if you'd let me know before embedding it or posting it anywhere, okie?

Bargain hunters

On the mrt to work (tryin to concentrate on my endowment management book) my mind strayed, as usual :P

Maybe abit excited abt stopping over in NY after my training in July and thinking of where to stay... suddenly remembered the hotel that bernard and i stayed in Auckland.

In NZ, we stayed at motels throughout becos it's cheaper and provides free parking (not to mention completes the whole road trip experience). Auckland was our last stop before heading home, and as a lovely surprise for me, bernard took advantage of corporate rates and made reservations at a really nice hotel.

Both of us are by nature not very extravagent in our expenditure, and bernard is a bargain hunter with a flair for negotiating (i really love that about him, that street-smartness). So, we couldn't help it...

- First, we asked if there's complimentary parking for hotel guests (No). So, where can we find the cheapest parking? (we eventually parked on the street, it's free at night, and we woke up early to move the car.)
- Then, itchy fingers me was playing around with the hotel safe and locked it before realizing that it's pay-per-use (pretty high-tech tracking system). So we went downstairs to ask them to unlock it n reverse the charges, cos we decided not to use it after all.
- While we were loitering around the lobby, we thought might as well ask (this one abit paiseh), do they provide complimentary bottled water? (No, but you can sit in the lobby where they serve iced water.) *grin* So where is the nearest hypermart? (A couple of kilometers away.) Can we walk there? (Yes)

Laughs~
btw we didn't sit in the lobby n drink free water okie... abit kua zhang!

So we strolled to the hypermart in the cool evening breeze, laughing at ourselves and enjoying each other's company. Really love supermarket shopping overseas. Bought water and groceries and cooked our own dinner (rather, bernard cooked for us) before dressing up and heading off to the Sky Casino. You can see our picture taken in the room in the side panel here.

Long after the trip, we continued to laugh at how we must have looked so cheapskate to the hotel staff!

簡單愛

I was going thru some photos, and saw this one taken during NDP 2005. It isn't much, but it struck me that i looked happy...

Of cos, i have laughed and felt happy over the past year. but the feeling that this picture captures...somehow i can't describe it... but i know i haven't felt this kind of simple happiness in a long time.

Showflat

Blogger's block

Don't really know what to write, so post some pictures of the showflat taken by Bernard n me:

Living Room



Dining



Master Bedroom



Kitchen



Bathrooms

What if it was me?

How would Bernard have handled things if it was me who died? i wonder about this all the time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bernard has had his share of trials in life, and his attitude n perserverence, despite all of it, always inspires me. Even after he's gone, he lives in my heart and continues to inspire me and carry me thru long days and dark nights.... times when i feel like giving up.

Looking forward - bernard

Something that had a strong impact on me, is the attitude that there is always something to look forward to.

During the week, he would text me everyday and wish me good morning...the weekend is near again, and this is what we'd be doing! he sounds so excited that i can't help but be lifted up as well. When i had a particularly difficult week, he counted down the hours for me towards our holiday.

Blessings - bernard

Bernard was always thankful for every small blessing. Every little thing in life, to him, can be God's little reminder that we are loved. even getting a parking lot in a crowded place. actually, he seems to be really blessed. or maybe, again, it's his wonderful attitude that just makes the world so beautiful.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(continued on 18 June 07)

Looking forward - grace

In the past, i used to be afraid to look forward to things or events, for fear of building up high expectations and getting disappointed. but now, looking forward is the only way to go on.

i'm thankful that there has been many things for me to focus on and look forward to in the past year - i looked forward very much to the US trip last year, and when i came back i looked forward to going HK. after that, i looked forward to a change of job environment. then to the end of CFA exam. and in the midst of year-end festivities there were little treats like hotel stays, spa, parties, dance workshop, movies, dinners...

The new year rolled around, and there was the taiwan trip to look forward to. work piled up quickly, i saw many frens thru their major milestones... and it was time for the greatly anticipated church camp, which was such a blessed and wonderful time. and before i know it, half the year has passed, and i am now looking forward to going to the US again. and in the midst of all these, i'm looking forward very much to the completion of my home, researching and budgetting and planning for it.

i no longer worry about being disappointed by high expectations, because i learnt that disappointment sets in when i focus on me. instead, when i focus on what i can give, i receive more joy and satisfaction.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So.... what if it was me? would he sit around and mope everyday? cry all the time? drink himself into oblivion? i think not...

I guess i wouldn't know. Great trials draw out the best and worst in all of us. at my worst, well, that's very painful to try to recall...well it's all recorded in my journal which i haven't dared to re-read. Most times i like to think of Bernard at his best instead.

From what i know of him, from his recount of the challenges in his life, i have a mental picture of his journey, if it was me. Closing my eyes, i see him going back to work after a while. He hurts, but he manages to joke as usual, to speak to his customers in that strong n assuring voice that i know so well n love dearly. He puts all his energy into work, strives to achieve the targets with fierce determination. He goes home tired, but doesn't want his family to worry about him. He spends time with his frens, but also takes long drives alone. He struggles, but he is resilient n independent. And i know for sure, he visits my family n continues to care for them.

Though i won't know if i'm right, you can say that this is all my own imagination, it's ok cos i don't want to find out...

In any case, that mental picture is what keeps me going.

Dear Lord...
why did You take bernard with You, but not me?
what were You thinking the day You left me behind...?

Of being drawn to death

One strange habit that came out of this whole ... thing ... is, i read the obituaries everytime i browse thru the ST! as well as reports of accidents. i read them all carefully, sometimes pausing, pondering, feeling...

it is as if reading them, i can somehow make some sense of what happens in this world to you and me. not just to other people. but to you and me.

normally, people browse thru the headlines. they might think, what a pity... or how sad...

now, i seem to live out in my heart n mind - lost for a moment - how the event must have unfolded. and how the survivors might be feeling then and after.

the depth of such relation comes only after one experiences death of a loved one.

the most recent was the death of this guy called Alex Lim last Sunday. this one, i felt very very deeply.
in short, what started out as a dispute over a minor car accident unfolded into a nightmare, where he struggled for his life for over a month.
a dashing young man at the prime of his life, a bright future ahead in the financial industry. his girlfriend was at the scene of the accident. she is only 24 yrs old. then i wondered... how is she taking it?

is it healthy to be so drawn to death?

The hardest thing

i looked into the mirror, and with a tinge of horror, observed that i had aged a lot over the past year.

well, not really horrified abt the aging bit (it happens...), but was suddenly struck by the painful thought that i will be growing old... without bernard.

as the days, months, years pass me by, i will only have a memory of this young man to hold dearly; i will never know how we will look like, how we might share hopes n look forward to realizing our dreams, experience trials n challenges, reminisce about the past, and how we will love each other growing old together.

One of the hardest things about losing someone is that eventually everything on the outside returns to normal, while on the inside you hardly feel the same again. A lot of people probably feel better, and think it's better for me, not to mention it. There are of cos, people who think that one gets over a death like getting over a breakup. But there are those people who acknowledge it with me, and that gives me the most comfort.

It is a lonely journey. I can't ever make sense of it. But even so, I will remember to give thanks to God for seeing me through every day, and for surrounding me with many people who care. And perhaps one day..., one day I will look back on this season of my life and give thanks to God for moulding me this way.

Till death do us apart

Because my grief seems quiet and apart,
Think not for such a reason it is less.
True sorrow makes a silence in the heart,
Joy has its friends, but grief its loneliness.
Robert Nathan

leia's journey : One year later, one year ago...

Hanglu's blog is restricted, so i'll post what she wrote about us here...

==========================================================

One year later, one year ago...

This is a little belated... in part because I don't really know what to say or how to say it...

Last Monday was 30 April.. one year ago on this date Bernard left for heaven. I wasn't in SG on Monday.. so arranged with Grace to go leave some flowers at his niche on Sat before I went to Vietnam.. It was not as emotional as the last time we went.. which was just some months after he left.. no uncontrollable sobbing, no hugs for support, no soaked through tissue papers.. but that same feeling that he's never left, that same heartache coz u can't reach out to a him in flesh and blood, that same denial that someone you knew, someone u know your best friend loves - cannot possibly be reduced to nothing but a small square box. those mixed, difficult to express feelings.. like i said about my grandma.. a year or any amount of time doesn't wipe away the memories of a lifetime or a loved one that lingers in your heart...

and one year later, i realised with some surprise and (almost) bemusement that I've probably cried more for Bernard making this early departure than I ever did for any guy who broke or hurt my heart... He made me realise how fragile life is, how easy it is to lose what's most precious to you, how we always takes things for granted without realizing it, how in life some things less tangible are so much more valuable...

And in this year, this journey I've walked alongside Grace.. In a way, I feel I'm exactly as I was before, yet again I feel what has happened has profoundly changed my life, the way I live my life and what matters to me.

[. . .]

And finally, a photo for the day... I never noticed the halos until I watched the video clip Grace made... and how appropriate - I know two that I feel are angels - and here they are:

It's not about winning, it's about finishing the race

Two years after Bernard and I ran the JPM challenge together, i finally decided to take part again. How things have changed... this year i am representing another company.

The whole time i was running, there was only one thought on my mind. Bernard was running right alongside me, and i wanted to finish the race well, like he did. And i never stopped.

My time was 35.55! hee

A precious gift

I received the most amazing gift today.

Mahesh borrowed a photo of Bernard from me middle of last year. He didn't say what it was for, only promising to return it to me sometime. I also didn't think much of it. Perhaps he was gonna blow it up and put it in a nice frame for me.

He finally returned it to me today... together with a stack of other photos.

Last year, Mahesh went to watch the World Cup semis in Germany. Sometime before that, i had told him that one of Bernard's dreams was to watch the World Cup live in the stadium.. and i had then decided that in 2010, i would surprise him with tickets for the World Cup.. wherever that will be. That was during one of my many musings, when i just rambled on and on to my frens...

Mahesh remembered. And he brought the photo of Bernard along with him to Germany. He took photos of Bernard's photo against the stadium entrance, the crowds, the fans, the teams, the banners, the tickets. And he gave those photos to me. "It was a boys night out... Bernard and I had a blast at the World Cup," he declared.

The most wonderful n precious gift that anyone could have given me... or could even have thought of... Words alone cannot describe what went thru my heart when i saw and heard all these.

It means so much to me.

(waiting for the soft copies... will post it here soon)

Thank you to those who remembered

• Thank you for your smses and prayers. Your thoughts, your words of encouragement, they really touch me... Eric, Gail, Meijun, Eileen

• Thank you for being my pillars of strength in my walk with God.. for praying n studying the bible with me, for helping me with the memoriam verses... Jo-lyn, Xiuling

• Thank you for going with me to the columbarium, for standing by me as i try to stand strong... Hanglu, Weisoon, Elaine (esp. Hanglu who makes sure i don't chicken out on life. heh)

• Thank you for being a dear fren, for checking in on me amidst ur busy schedule.. even thou suaning me rather mercilessly sometimes, u make me laugh n feel normal.. for acknowledging my pain n sitting in silence thru it with me... Mahesh

• Thank you for rallying around me, forcing me to run together every week whether i like it or not :P and simply, for normal, girly times even in days like these. n putting up with my nonsense. so glad to have u gals... Kristin, Keryn, Grace L, Crystal, Li Lian, Lydia

• Thank you for accompanying me through these couple of days, hanging out and occupying my time with relaxing n fun activities, guiding me and looking forward with me to fulfilling my dream house (n teaching me how to cook.. very impt)... Crystal

• Thank you for the card and book.. and yummy dinner last night. For being my mentor n fren.. And for all the times you listened and cared and shared, and for putting away everything to be where it mattered... Hui Joo

• Thank you for making time for dinner, for being a faithful and loving sister-in-Christ.. as i reflected upon the past year, thank you for giving me the biggest highlight - inviting me on the US trip with you... Priscilla

• Thank you for remembering... for the beautiful, beautiful flowers... for going out of your way to help, for praying with me, for being more than a boss... Amy

• Thank you for the card, with the sweetest little bear bear patches holding a "B" and "G".. for taking time to pore over our photos, for caring in your own way, for being, also, more than just a boss... Pearl

• Thank you for all the sessions.. listening, encouraging, practical advice and prayers... Tony Ting (btw i've graduated! last wednesday - the last session - marked the end of a year of counselling)

• Thank you for simply being there, quietly supporting me... my family, shu shu n shen shen n er-shen (for repairing the necklace that bernard gave me)

Seeing us thru my eyes

I spent sleepless nights making a video of us... a video that sees our lives thru my eyes.

I made it for Bernard, a gift that expresses how cherished n dear he is, and forever will be, to me...
I made it for me, to cast in stone the images, thoughts and feelings that are in my heart during this season of my journey...
And i made it for you, our frens... and i hope it touches you the way i have been touched by my angel.