Why suddenly so many MVs?
haha actually one of the reasons is cos i couldn't embed them in the old template.
over time, i've stopped talking about myself and how i feel. sometimes i write here, cos people have a choice whether to read a blog or not. if you talk, they have no choice but to listen... heh. but looking back thru the posts, i'm also not very happy with how the blog has evolved. from a place recording bernard and my lives together, it became an account of my journey in a life without him.
maybe cos the 1 yr is coming soon, i've been terribly moody n withdrawn. and i've found that songs are the best expressions of feelings :) it relates without overwhelming the listener, and still retains beauty in the tune.
Friday, April 27, 2007
The Dance - Garth Brooks
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Money matters (again)
btw, i got a reply regarding the late interest charges.
my lawyer called last friday, and told me that the developer is agreeable to waive half of the late interest charges owed. after the waiver it's still a whopping $1,000!!! i got a big shock man...
i know it shud be quite a sum but wasn't prepared for so much. when u are struggling to cope with suddenly financing a mortgage on ur own, u'll understand that $1k is a big sum...to me. because of this 1k, now i can't afford to put the in memoriam in the obits next monday. sigh
i guess at 10% interest, it's easy to snowball. but the thing i just can't accept is... that it's all so.. unjustified. it's wasted money. it's not money spent on constructive stuff, it's simply... wasted.
still, thank God as it could have been a lot worse... they have already waived the first 3 months interest (sep-dec06) and half of the next 3 months (dec06-mar07).
so scary. i've never owed so much money in my life. hundreds of thousands, all by myself. i never even revolve my credit cards. this is the first time i have to pay interest. yucks.
that's why i must eventually go back to work in a bank. earn back all the money they sucked away from me :P
my lawyer called last friday, and told me that the developer is agreeable to waive half of the late interest charges owed. after the waiver it's still a whopping $1,000!!! i got a big shock man...
i know it shud be quite a sum but wasn't prepared for so much. when u are struggling to cope with suddenly financing a mortgage on ur own, u'll understand that $1k is a big sum...to me. because of this 1k, now i can't afford to put the in memoriam in the obits next monday. sigh
i guess at 10% interest, it's easy to snowball. but the thing i just can't accept is... that it's all so.. unjustified. it's wasted money. it's not money spent on constructive stuff, it's simply... wasted.
still, thank God as it could have been a lot worse... they have already waived the first 3 months interest (sep-dec06) and half of the next 3 months (dec06-mar07).
so scary. i've never owed so much money in my life. hundreds of thousands, all by myself. i never even revolve my credit cards. this is the first time i have to pay interest. yucks.
that's why i must eventually go back to work in a bank. earn back all the money they sucked away from me :P
If I Had Only Known
- Reba McIntyre
If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a lifeline to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only know
I'd never hear your voice again
You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away
If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you knew my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known
If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a lifeline to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only know
I'd never hear your voice again
You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away
If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you knew my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Homesick - Mercy Me
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
New look!
finally decided to revamp this blog. it's still work in progress...
actually i like the original template that was designed by my brother n sister better... just that Imageshack really sux leh... my pictures keep disappearing, even the background too! i had left it there for the longest time hoping it will recover somehow :P
anyway, instead of having to wait for my brother to "repair" for me every so often, i decided to take the easy way out and upgrade blogger to use the standard templates + drag-n-drop functions! :)
actually i like the original template that was designed by my brother n sister better... just that Imageshack really sux leh... my pictures keep disappearing, even the background too! i had left it there for the longest time hoping it will recover somehow :P
anyway, instead of having to wait for my brother to "repair" for me every so often, i decided to take the easy way out and upgrade blogger to use the standard templates + drag-n-drop functions! :)
Thursday, April 05, 2007
To: Mr. Lo W T Bernard &/or Ms. Chiong X Grace
The home loan is finally in place and disbursed... i just received notification that the first installment drawdown will taken place soon, exactly one year after bernard died...
and after all the hoo-ha, the bank didn't even bother to change the loan account title, and the letter was addressed jointly to bernard and me.. oh well.
i called the bank's hotline not too long ago, to re-activate some deposit account that is supposed to be used to service the loan. obviously the account has been inactive for the longest time...
so the officer did a phone verification. Since i was in a bank before, it was familiar to me. But he asked at least 7 questions (!!) instead of the usual 3 questions. At the last question, he asked, "and finally, is your account a single or joint name account, and can i have the account title pls?"
I was stumped. seriously... i dunno leh. did they change it? After much hesitation, i responded, "err... i think it's a joint name,.." and gave both our names. He sounded satisfied with my answer. sheesh. and you wonder how the bank's back-end processes work.
** Pls pray that the developers will be agreeable to waiving the scary amount of late payment interest that i seem to have chalked up... maybe that can buy me a few chairs for the house. heh
and after all the hoo-ha, the bank didn't even bother to change the loan account title, and the letter was addressed jointly to bernard and me.. oh well.
i called the bank's hotline not too long ago, to re-activate some deposit account that is supposed to be used to service the loan. obviously the account has been inactive for the longest time...
so the officer did a phone verification. Since i was in a bank before, it was familiar to me. But he asked at least 7 questions (!!) instead of the usual 3 questions. At the last question, he asked, "and finally, is your account a single or joint name account, and can i have the account title pls?"
I was stumped. seriously... i dunno leh. did they change it? After much hesitation, i responded, "err... i think it's a joint name,.." and gave both our names. He sounded satisfied with my answer. sheesh. and you wonder how the bank's back-end processes work.
** Pls pray that the developers will be agreeable to waiving the scary amount of late payment interest that i seem to have chalked up... maybe that can buy me a few chairs for the house. heh
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
My song list
Gatherings with galfrens nowadays mostly involve helping to brainstorm for their wedding plans: ideal venue, perfect dress, theme, guests, songs, etc.
After such a dinner just now, i thot i'll have my own song list too. Not to be morbid here... but i want to list down the songs i want played/sung at my funeral. cos i'd already planned the other details and given them to hanglu for safekeeping. just in case. :P
These are some of my fave praise n worship songs: songs that i listened to in my darkest hours, that ministered to me, or simply that i like.
1) God Will Make A Way
2) We Are the Reason
3) This Kingdom
4) You Laid Aside Your Majesty
5) Shout to the Lord
And i hope these songs will touch people the same way they touched me.
After such a dinner just now, i thot i'll have my own song list too. Not to be morbid here... but i want to list down the songs i want played/sung at my funeral. cos i'd already planned the other details and given them to hanglu for safekeeping. just in case. :P
These are some of my fave praise n worship songs: songs that i listened to in my darkest hours, that ministered to me, or simply that i like.
1) God Will Make A Way
2) We Are the Reason
3) This Kingdom
4) You Laid Aside Your Majesty
5) Shout to the Lord
And i hope these songs will touch people the same way they touched me.
Monday, March 26, 2007
My Cross
Attended a Catholic Mass with crystal and kris some weeks back during Lent, where they have something called Stations of the Cross:
"The object of the Stations is to help the faithful to make in spirit, as it were, a pilgrimage to the chief scenes of Christ's sufferings and death, and this has become one of the most popular of Catholic devotions. It is carried out by passing from Station to Station, with certain prayers at each and devout meditation on the various incidents in turn."
This is the thirteenth station:
Christ speaks:
The sacrifice is done. Yes, My Mass is complete; but not My Mother's and not yours, My other self. My Mother still must cradle in her arms the lifeless body of the Son she bore. You, too, must part from those you love, and grief will come to you. In your bereavement think of this: A multitude of souls were saved by Mary's sharing in My Calvary. Your grief can also be the price for souls.
Man's prayer:
My Lord Jesus, I beg You, help me accept the partings that must come - from friends who go away, my children leaving home, and most of all, my dear ones when You shall call them to Yourself. Then give me grace to say: "As it has pleased You, Lord, to take them home, I bow to Your most holy will. And if by just one word I might restore their lives against Your will, I would not speak."
Grant them eternal joy.
"The object of the Stations is to help the faithful to make in spirit, as it were, a pilgrimage to the chief scenes of Christ's sufferings and death, and this has become one of the most popular of Catholic devotions. It is carried out by passing from Station to Station, with certain prayers at each and devout meditation on the various incidents in turn."
This is the thirteenth station:
Christ speaks:
The sacrifice is done. Yes, My Mass is complete; but not My Mother's and not yours, My other self. My Mother still must cradle in her arms the lifeless body of the Son she bore. You, too, must part from those you love, and grief will come to you. In your bereavement think of this: A multitude of souls were saved by Mary's sharing in My Calvary. Your grief can also be the price for souls.
Man's prayer:
My Lord Jesus, I beg You, help me accept the partings that must come - from friends who go away, my children leaving home, and most of all, my dear ones when You shall call them to Yourself. Then give me grace to say: "As it has pleased You, Lord, to take them home, I bow to Your most holy will. And if by just one word I might restore their lives against Your will, I would not speak."
Grant them eternal joy.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Home loan, legal matters n such
These are not pleasant things to deal with.
Not that the people (lawyers, bankers) are not pleasant, they all try to help as much as they can. But dying is a complicated process. The actual tasks of settling the estate, transferring titles, etc, weighs very heavily on the hearts of those who have to do it. There's no escaping, lawyer's letters will find their way home (factually n coldly written, no less... i don't suppose they mean to be so blatant, but a fact is a fact, they can't be writing stuff like, "oh you poor thing you"...) I have to take calls in the meeting room, toilet, or downstairs, and compose myself before returning to my desk.
I received a call today from the home loan officer, finally, telling me that the bank is prepared to let me continue with the original terms of the loan. The only change is the change of name to mine.
The background to this is that because i have to cancel our joint-name loan and reapply under my own name, they had wanted to impose the new, higher interest rates on me. They even informed me that they will kindly waive the cancellation charges for me. I was enraged. Being penalized due to procedural reasons is simply unacceptable. After all, is it my choice that i have to change the name on our loan?
And the worst thing is, because of how emotionally involved i am, it's not easy for me to face the problem and do something about it.
Anyway, as mentioned in a previous post, i finally made my stand clear. And they said ok. As Crystal said, most things can be done, it's only a matter of whether people want to do it for you. And of cos, i thank God for this.
Now, i just have to deal with the other problem. Apparently because of legal matters outstanding, the installment payments couldn't be made and i'm owing the developers several hundred bucks in late payment interest, at an exorbitant rate of 10%. (On top of singly saving up for furnishings and repaying his parents. Grace Charity Fund, anybody??)
Sigh. How more difficult can they make things??
Btw, i drove past the development today to see how it is progressing. It's built to the 5th (top) storey already :)
But in any case, i realized that there's nothing more beautiful than having frens who cheer you on and rally around you in both ups and downs. After receiving the call, i texted Hanglu and Crystal to tell them, and the happiness they expressed for me is just so uplifting.
(Picture taken in mid-Jan 07)
Not that the people (lawyers, bankers) are not pleasant, they all try to help as much as they can. But dying is a complicated process. The actual tasks of settling the estate, transferring titles, etc, weighs very heavily on the hearts of those who have to do it. There's no escaping, lawyer's letters will find their way home (factually n coldly written, no less... i don't suppose they mean to be so blatant, but a fact is a fact, they can't be writing stuff like, "oh you poor thing you"...) I have to take calls in the meeting room, toilet, or downstairs, and compose myself before returning to my desk.
I received a call today from the home loan officer, finally, telling me that the bank is prepared to let me continue with the original terms of the loan. The only change is the change of name to mine.
The background to this is that because i have to cancel our joint-name loan and reapply under my own name, they had wanted to impose the new, higher interest rates on me. They even informed me that they will kindly waive the cancellation charges for me. I was enraged. Being penalized due to procedural reasons is simply unacceptable. After all, is it my choice that i have to change the name on our loan?
And the worst thing is, because of how emotionally involved i am, it's not easy for me to face the problem and do something about it.
Anyway, as mentioned in a previous post, i finally made my stand clear. And they said ok. As Crystal said, most things can be done, it's only a matter of whether people want to do it for you. And of cos, i thank God for this.
Now, i just have to deal with the other problem. Apparently because of legal matters outstanding, the installment payments couldn't be made and i'm owing the developers several hundred bucks in late payment interest, at an exorbitant rate of 10%. (On top of singly saving up for furnishings and repaying his parents. Grace Charity Fund, anybody??)
Sigh. How more difficult can they make things??
Btw, i drove past the development today to see how it is progressing. It's built to the 5th (top) storey already :)
But in any case, i realized that there's nothing more beautiful than having frens who cheer you on and rally around you in both ups and downs. After receiving the call, i texted Hanglu and Crystal to tell them, and the happiness they expressed for me is just so uplifting.
Touching lives
I randomly stumbled upon someone's blog that mentioned this blog. (was trying to see if this blog is search-able...) She found the link off someone else' tagboard. Actually i've no idea how anyone could have found this blog, other than people i told.
Anyway, she read some of it, and said that it touched her and nearly made her cry. Another said that it's very romantic.
When i saw these comments, my feelings were mixed.
I guess it's kinda nice knowing that our story is so touching that it moves people. On the other hand, for someone who loves sappy Korean romantic movies (like A Moment to Remember), i never would have imagined that my own love story will also have a tragic ending.
It's the typical "it only happens in the movies" mentality...
So in the meantime, i suppose it's nice to have touched others, no matter how briefly. More importantly, i hope that those dearest to me will recognize that my strength is drawn from God... and that it is a good testimony.
Anyway, she read some of it, and said that it touched her and nearly made her cry. Another said that it's very romantic.
When i saw these comments, my feelings were mixed.
I guess it's kinda nice knowing that our story is so touching that it moves people. On the other hand, for someone who loves sappy Korean romantic movies (like A Moment to Remember), i never would have imagined that my own love story will also have a tragic ending.
It's the typical "it only happens in the movies" mentality...
So in the meantime, i suppose it's nice to have touched others, no matter how briefly. More importantly, i hope that those dearest to me will recognize that my strength is drawn from God... and that it is a good testimony.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Chin up!
After moping for the longest time, i'm ready to take on the world!
My work attitude has been sliding into dangerous territory, and i'm sick of feeling victimized. So i decided to take charge of my life. *finally*
Apart from work, the other thing bugging me is our house. So, instead of complaining for half an hr to poor Hanglu about how sucky life is and how irritated i am with the darned bank, i drew upon my newfound if-you-can't-convince-them-confuse-them & talk-until-others-give-up skills that i learnt from being in consultancy, and made (hopefully enough) noise regarding the loan re-application. The bank's policy is ridiculous. Then again, banks are not charities, they mostly benefit at your expense. (No offence to bankers... i used to be one too, and a rather proud one. It is a glamorous job.)
Anyway. To you who reads my blog, I'm partially moving back to my old blog. Will keep this one clutter-free and relevant and nice. So all whinings go into my personal blog!
My work attitude has been sliding into dangerous territory, and i'm sick of feeling victimized. So i decided to take charge of my life. *finally*
Apart from work, the other thing bugging me is our house. So, instead of complaining for half an hr to poor Hanglu about how sucky life is and how irritated i am with the darned bank, i drew upon my newfound if-you-can't-convince-them-confuse-them & talk-until-others-give-up skills that i learnt from being in consultancy, and made (hopefully enough) noise regarding the loan re-application. The bank's policy is ridiculous. Then again, banks are not charities, they mostly benefit at your expense. (No offence to bankers... i used to be one too, and a rather proud one. It is a glamorous job.)
Anyway. To you who reads my blog, I'm partially moving back to my old blog. Will keep this one clutter-free and relevant and nice. So all whinings go into my personal blog!
Monday, March 05, 2007
The procrastinator in me
So, I've finally gotten down to writing this. I've been thinking about it since last Monday, I think... and when Thursday came around, I chickened out and scribbled in my journal instead. I thought about it somemore over the weekend (which incidentally was packed to the brim), and now here I am.
Thinking about what? That last Thursday was Bernard's birthday. That I haven't been blogging for the longest time (then again, I wondered why I felt like I had to account for myself). I meant to post pictures of our celebration last year - I brought him on a cruise cos he said he's not been on one. We nua-ed the whole time. We watched sunrise on the balcony. It was beautiful... The cruise was a surprise. I gave him a packing list, and fretted for the longest time how to get him to HarbourFront without him guessing... Vivocity wasn't open yet, and HarbourFront is hardly the usual place to go for a meal after work right?
Escapist
I decided I'm a procrastinator, or an escapist, or both. I escape from things that I dread doing, and I avoid thinking about them (i seem to think they'll go away if i ignore them long enough). Lately, more and more, I've been avoiding thinking about all these. And on the few occasions that I had flashbacks, cold fear gripped my heart. The impossibility of it all still overwhelms me. I hate that feeling. And I forced myself again not to think about him. Therefore, I also have not updated or even visited this blog. I didn't dare to... i dunno why.
To restore some normalcy to my life, none of my colleagues at my new company knows about this (or so I hope), except one guy whom I already knew from school. One girl told me she found me on Friendster, and I freaked out (I know. She's being friendly, I'm being paranoid). So now, my profile is restricted to very few. As is my personal life. Learning to handle questions about my singleness (there must be a reason for it, it seems) is easier than having to handle looks of sympathy (or just pity?) and sadness.
But I still wear the ring he gave me. On my right hand now, so that people won't ask awkward questions.
Oh, wait. Let me digress for a while here.
When I fill up forms, sometimes i wonder, for the marital status field, is it necessary to include a box for "widowed"? most people probably go checking off "single" or "married" without giving it much thought. But for widows/widowers/divorcees/separated, do they fall into "single", or must their status be so special as to merit a different category for them? I mean, I suppose except certain government bodies that must know this; does it really make much of a difference to the marketing/research/analytical efforts? Will it be considered discrimination?
Do we all fall neatly into boxes? (sounds so Sex & the City tag-line!)
Well, just a thought. You'd be surprised how much detail some forms get into. They might as well have boxes for "still working things out", or "it's complicated".
So, how am I? some people have been asking. I'm ok, getting along. I've accepted that it's ok to say I'm ok. For quite a long time I resented the questions: "how are you?" or "are you ok", thinking bitterly, "how ok do you think I can be??", or "what do you expect??" But of cos, I was hysterical, so pls forgive me. Now, I live each day as it comes. I try to spend lots of time with friends and family and appreciate them and love them more. But I still haven't found the ambition I used to have nor any meaning in work. I feel more and more scared that I cannot finance our house or pay his parents back, and that will really leave me with absolutely nothing to look forward to or be happy about. At least for now.
2006: Year in Review
The other night, I was thinking about 2006. I thought, 2006 was an excruciatingly painful struggle, without exaggerating. It was a rollercoaster of emotions – from fear to despair, sadness to guilt, pain to hopelessness, in no particular order, and sometimes all at once. Even so, I knew I still had to figure out what becomes of my life, and plan something, do something about it. All these cumulated into a whole lot of stress n frequent nightmares. I must say the CFA exam in Dec played its part in both keeping my mind occupied and giving me tons of stress.
But also, I realized 2006 was full of love and care from friends and family and colleagues who gave me their support in many ways. It was full of beautiful friendships that developed and grew, wonderful memories of precious time spent with them. I learnt to rejoice in the successes and happiness in my friends' lives instead of dwelling on the emptiness of my own. 2006 challenged my relationship with God. In 2006, I had grown up more and quicker than ever before (then again, I used to be really willful and took my time growing up!) And somewhere, somehow, there is a heightened awareness about life... but this is a feeling I can't quite explain yet...
Anyway, I'll post the pictures another day, perhaps.
Thinking about what? That last Thursday was Bernard's birthday. That I haven't been blogging for the longest time (then again, I wondered why I felt like I had to account for myself). I meant to post pictures of our celebration last year - I brought him on a cruise cos he said he's not been on one. We nua-ed the whole time. We watched sunrise on the balcony. It was beautiful... The cruise was a surprise. I gave him a packing list, and fretted for the longest time how to get him to HarbourFront without him guessing... Vivocity wasn't open yet, and HarbourFront is hardly the usual place to go for a meal after work right?
Escapist
I decided I'm a procrastinator, or an escapist, or both. I escape from things that I dread doing, and I avoid thinking about them (i seem to think they'll go away if i ignore them long enough). Lately, more and more, I've been avoiding thinking about all these. And on the few occasions that I had flashbacks, cold fear gripped my heart. The impossibility of it all still overwhelms me. I hate that feeling. And I forced myself again not to think about him. Therefore, I also have not updated or even visited this blog. I didn't dare to... i dunno why.
To restore some normalcy to my life, none of my colleagues at my new company knows about this (or so I hope), except one guy whom I already knew from school. One girl told me she found me on Friendster, and I freaked out (I know. She's being friendly, I'm being paranoid). So now, my profile is restricted to very few. As is my personal life. Learning to handle questions about my singleness (there must be a reason for it, it seems) is easier than having to handle looks of sympathy (or just pity?) and sadness.
But I still wear the ring he gave me. On my right hand now, so that people won't ask awkward questions.
Oh, wait. Let me digress for a while here.
When I fill up forms, sometimes i wonder, for the marital status field, is it necessary to include a box for "widowed"? most people probably go checking off "single" or "married" without giving it much thought. But for widows/widowers/divorcees/separated, do they fall into "single", or must their status be so special as to merit a different category for them? I mean, I suppose except certain government bodies that must know this; does it really make much of a difference to the marketing/research/analytical efforts? Will it be considered discrimination?
Do we all fall neatly into boxes? (sounds so Sex & the City tag-line!)
Well, just a thought. You'd be surprised how much detail some forms get into. They might as well have boxes for "still working things out", or "it's complicated".
So, how am I? some people have been asking. I'm ok, getting along. I've accepted that it's ok to say I'm ok. For quite a long time I resented the questions: "how are you?" or "are you ok", thinking bitterly, "how ok do you think I can be??", or "what do you expect??" But of cos, I was hysterical, so pls forgive me. Now, I live each day as it comes. I try to spend lots of time with friends and family and appreciate them and love them more. But I still haven't found the ambition I used to have nor any meaning in work. I feel more and more scared that I cannot finance our house or pay his parents back, and that will really leave me with absolutely nothing to look forward to or be happy about. At least for now.
2006: Year in Review
The other night, I was thinking about 2006. I thought, 2006 was an excruciatingly painful struggle, without exaggerating. It was a rollercoaster of emotions – from fear to despair, sadness to guilt, pain to hopelessness, in no particular order, and sometimes all at once. Even so, I knew I still had to figure out what becomes of my life, and plan something, do something about it. All these cumulated into a whole lot of stress n frequent nightmares. I must say the CFA exam in Dec played its part in both keeping my mind occupied and giving me tons of stress.
But also, I realized 2006 was full of love and care from friends and family and colleagues who gave me their support in many ways. It was full of beautiful friendships that developed and grew, wonderful memories of precious time spent with them. I learnt to rejoice in the successes and happiness in my friends' lives instead of dwelling on the emptiness of my own. 2006 challenged my relationship with God. In 2006, I had grown up more and quicker than ever before (then again, I used to be really willful and took my time growing up!) And somewhere, somehow, there is a heightened awareness about life... but this is a feeling I can't quite explain yet...
Anyway, I'll post the pictures another day, perhaps.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Vacuum
I was looking thru my posts, and saw one post that was a draft. The title was "Vacuum". When I opened it, it was empty. haha... how apt. i don't remember what i had meant to write, except that it was created on 12 Jan 07.
* * *
Oh i suddenly realized when i saw the time of the post. it's past midnight. So i had meant to write about the date 11 Jan. As mentioned in one of the earlier entries, Bernard had designated 0111 as our number, and 11 Jan as our special date...
Today is actually 5 Mar. But i'll leave the posting date as it was la
* * *
Oh i suddenly realized when i saw the time of the post. it's past midnight. So i had meant to write about the date 11 Jan. As mentioned in one of the earlier entries, Bernard had designated 0111 as our number, and 11 Jan as our special date...
Today is actually 5 Mar. But i'll leave the posting date as it was la
Monday, December 25, 2006
All I want for Christmas...
Birthday presents
On saturday, i went for a massage using the voucher that bernard bought for me so many months ago for my birthday.
As i lay there, i couldn't relax and my mind was flooded with images and memories of him.
On one of his business trips to Bangkok, he went for a massage at Harnn & Thann, the luxury toiletries brand from thailand that we'd decided to use for our home in future. It was a good massage, he said, and he'd planned to bring me there.
When he came back from that trip, he bought us a lovely massage oil, and massaged me with the strokes he'd memorized. It was the best massage i ever had in my life. He told me that he'd massage me every night of our lives together, cos my back hurts a lot from a bad scoliosis condition.
And this image always comes to me... that the last night we had together, after he proposed to me, i massaged him to sleep, with the oil and the strokes he'd used on me... I'll always remember the feeling i had when i did things for him, that feeling of giving love is so magical and uplifting. I don't think i ever felt so much about giving love before i met him.
Birthday wishes
Since young, i had been "religious" about birthday wishes (it's silly i noe). I made sure i had a birthday cake every year, so that i can make a wish. (Once, i went out with my parents at past 11pm to 7-11 to buy a Sara Lee cake and ice cream cos my date didn't get a cake for me!)
And i'd never tell anyone any of my wishes. I thot if i told anyone, the wish won't come true. (Which logically follows that if i don't tell, it should come true...)
This year, i was thinking what i should wish for.
It suddenly occurred to me, that if we wish for something, we must have incorporated a degree of realism into it. In order to have some possibility that it will come true (and hence not be diappointed), we must have known that we have a certain amount of control over it.
Because, the only thing that came immediately to me that i want to wish for, is to have bernard back. Or maybe see him for just one more day... or something to that extent... But i won't be wishing for that, because the logical side of my mind tells me that it is impossible... at least for now...
So, i wished for the next dearest thing to my heart... i wish to be able to see our home through to completion, furnish it beautifully, and move into it in a year or so. I wish to live there for a while, to be truly independent. I wish for support. I wish people will stop discouraging me.
So much for birthday wishes. It is simply a resolution of sorts to make something happen, or a hope that something will happen. But a hope not out of this world, for disappointment may soon follow. Again.
Birthday celebrations
I'm sorry for being so down recently. It's quite difficult to always be in control and be happy. I cried a lot in these few days of Christmas festivities. I miss bernard so much.
But still, i'll continue to put in the effort, cos everybody has shown me so much love.
I had dinner with bernard's family on sat. My frens also kept me busy over the weekend. Hanglu went to church with me. Elaine arranged for a cosy lunch with Sherl, Fenn n Shuz. And on the night of my birthday, we had a big Christmas party at Crystal's place, with the gals and her bunch of frens. The gals surprised me with a santa rina costume, birthday cake and lots of presents. There was also surprise "guest appearances" - Pris, Eric, Lyon - who came by for a while. So happy to see all of them.
As they left, one of the gals said, "You will always have us to celebrate this day with you, remember that.." I was so touched. Thank you my dears.. for loving me.
When you receive love, you learn to give love.
On saturday, i went for a massage using the voucher that bernard bought for me so many months ago for my birthday.
As i lay there, i couldn't relax and my mind was flooded with images and memories of him.
On one of his business trips to Bangkok, he went for a massage at Harnn & Thann, the luxury toiletries brand from thailand that we'd decided to use for our home in future. It was a good massage, he said, and he'd planned to bring me there.
When he came back from that trip, he bought us a lovely massage oil, and massaged me with the strokes he'd memorized. It was the best massage i ever had in my life. He told me that he'd massage me every night of our lives together, cos my back hurts a lot from a bad scoliosis condition.
And this image always comes to me... that the last night we had together, after he proposed to me, i massaged him to sleep, with the oil and the strokes he'd used on me... I'll always remember the feeling i had when i did things for him, that feeling of giving love is so magical and uplifting. I don't think i ever felt so much about giving love before i met him.
Birthday wishes
Since young, i had been "religious" about birthday wishes (it's silly i noe). I made sure i had a birthday cake every year, so that i can make a wish. (Once, i went out with my parents at past 11pm to 7-11 to buy a Sara Lee cake and ice cream cos my date didn't get a cake for me!)
And i'd never tell anyone any of my wishes. I thot if i told anyone, the wish won't come true. (Which logically follows that if i don't tell, it should come true...)
This year, i was thinking what i should wish for.
It suddenly occurred to me, that if we wish for something, we must have incorporated a degree of realism into it. In order to have some possibility that it will come true (and hence not be diappointed), we must have known that we have a certain amount of control over it.
Because, the only thing that came immediately to me that i want to wish for, is to have bernard back. Or maybe see him for just one more day... or something to that extent... But i won't be wishing for that, because the logical side of my mind tells me that it is impossible... at least for now...
So, i wished for the next dearest thing to my heart... i wish to be able to see our home through to completion, furnish it beautifully, and move into it in a year or so. I wish to live there for a while, to be truly independent. I wish for support. I wish people will stop discouraging me.
So much for birthday wishes. It is simply a resolution of sorts to make something happen, or a hope that something will happen. But a hope not out of this world, for disappointment may soon follow. Again.
Birthday celebrations
I'm sorry for being so down recently. It's quite difficult to always be in control and be happy. I cried a lot in these few days of Christmas festivities. I miss bernard so much.
But still, i'll continue to put in the effort, cos everybody has shown me so much love.
I had dinner with bernard's family on sat. My frens also kept me busy over the weekend. Hanglu went to church with me. Elaine arranged for a cosy lunch with Sherl, Fenn n Shuz. And on the night of my birthday, we had a big Christmas party at Crystal's place, with the gals and her bunch of frens. The gals surprised me with a santa rina costume, birthday cake and lots of presents. There was also surprise "guest appearances" - Pris, Eric, Lyon - who came by for a while. So happy to see all of them.
As they left, one of the gals said, "You will always have us to celebrate this day with you, remember that.." I was so touched. Thank you my dears.. for loving me.
When you receive love, you learn to give love.
Monday, December 18, 2006
This season
It's been a long time since i wrote in this blog.
For the past couple of months, i've been focusing all my time and energy into my new job, and the CFA exam.
Now, the exam is over, and i'm quite settled in my job... and the dreaded season of birthday/Christmas/New Year is coming.
The counsellor said, that festive occasions are the most trying times for a person going through bereavement. And as he said that, all the pent-up sadness, frustration, loneliness and stress that i've been controlling for the past few months just overwhelmed me, and i broke down and cried bitterly. It hasn't been easy. When i tried to study, images of the accident would flash into my mind. The familiar crushing sense of fear and loss would come back. And i'd make myself picture bernard right there beside me, encouraging me to continue on.
As I did my Christmas shopping, everywhere in town is so beautifully decked out in gold and glitter... everybody is in high spirits... "Love is in the air", the banners proclaim. This time of the year is the most fun we all have. It's holiday time, we get to dress up, work less, and spend more time with our loved ones. I go out for movies, dinners and parties, celebrate weddings and birthdays, laugh and joke with frens. But no matter how i surround myself with people, only God knows what this lonely journey is like for me.
While trying to decide on a date for dinner with a bunch of galfrens, one fren winked at me and said, "well, i suppose 24th is out since it's ur birthday and you must have special plans already!" Truth is, i didn't have any plans. In fact, i was painfully reminded that bernard is no longer here with me this Christmas.
I just watched The Holiday, and honestly, i can't feel a thing. I'm a romantic. Shows like Love Actually used to make me cry. But i'm just not sure why i don't get it anymore. The only shows that i cry to nowadays are those where someone is lost.
Ironically, this season of pain is also the season we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour. I can only hold on to the hope that Heaven is decked out more majestically than we can ever imagine, and everyday is full of love, joy and peace. And my bernard is just right there, singing songs of praise and worship everyday.
For the past couple of months, i've been focusing all my time and energy into my new job, and the CFA exam.
Now, the exam is over, and i'm quite settled in my job... and the dreaded season of birthday/Christmas/New Year is coming.
The counsellor said, that festive occasions are the most trying times for a person going through bereavement. And as he said that, all the pent-up sadness, frustration, loneliness and stress that i've been controlling for the past few months just overwhelmed me, and i broke down and cried bitterly. It hasn't been easy. When i tried to study, images of the accident would flash into my mind. The familiar crushing sense of fear and loss would come back. And i'd make myself picture bernard right there beside me, encouraging me to continue on.
As I did my Christmas shopping, everywhere in town is so beautifully decked out in gold and glitter... everybody is in high spirits... "Love is in the air", the banners proclaim. This time of the year is the most fun we all have. It's holiday time, we get to dress up, work less, and spend more time with our loved ones. I go out for movies, dinners and parties, celebrate weddings and birthdays, laugh and joke with frens. But no matter how i surround myself with people, only God knows what this lonely journey is like for me.
While trying to decide on a date for dinner with a bunch of galfrens, one fren winked at me and said, "well, i suppose 24th is out since it's ur birthday and you must have special plans already!" Truth is, i didn't have any plans. In fact, i was painfully reminded that bernard is no longer here with me this Christmas.
I just watched The Holiday, and honestly, i can't feel a thing. I'm a romantic. Shows like Love Actually used to make me cry. But i'm just not sure why i don't get it anymore. The only shows that i cry to nowadays are those where someone is lost.
Ironically, this season of pain is also the season we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour. I can only hold on to the hope that Heaven is decked out more majestically than we can ever imagine, and everyday is full of love, joy and peace. And my bernard is just right there, singing songs of praise and worship everyday.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
A breath away’s not far.. To where you are
.JPG)
Click on the picture to watch the MV on YouTube
(Ally McBeal version)
To Where You Are - Josh Groban
Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be?
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
’cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
.JPG)
Friday, October 20, 2006
Sharing lives... random thots (part 2)
Oh yes. Another thot i had last night (yes i think a lot, but always too tired/lazy to get up n write down or blog it)
I was just thinking of this blog...
At first my grand plan was to share our lives and photos with the rest of the world.. well not really the world.. but i suppose with all our frens. Sort of like reaching out to people and stuff like that maybe help people recover by seeing more of this personal side of his life.
Over time, i realized... that this blog is actually for myself. It is for me to help myself recover, to reach out to me, deep deep inside where it is bittersweet.
Borrow from hanglu's blog... this song is very touching...
Melodies of Life from Final Fantasy IX.
(Lyrics in the english version of the song)
Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life--love's lost refrain
Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name
A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond
So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings
In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?
If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember
I was just thinking of this blog...
At first my grand plan was to share our lives and photos with the rest of the world.. well not really the world.. but i suppose with all our frens. Sort of like reaching out to people and stuff like that maybe help people recover by seeing more of this personal side of his life.
Over time, i realized... that this blog is actually for myself. It is for me to help myself recover, to reach out to me, deep deep inside where it is bittersweet.
Borrow from hanglu's blog... this song is very touching...
Melodies of Life from Final Fantasy IX.
(Lyrics in the english version of the song)
Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life--love's lost refrain
Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name
A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond
So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings
In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?
If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember
Sharing lives... random thots
Last night, the last thought i had before falling asleep was that i'm willing to exchange as many years of my life as it takes for his... if only we can spend the rest of our lives together... i'll give him half of mine. Not more also, cos i don't want to die before him and he'll be heartbroken.
Just a random thot...
Just a random thot...
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