All I want for Christmas...

Birthday presents

On saturday, i went for a massage using the voucher that bernard bought for me so many months ago for my birthday.

As i lay there, i couldn't relax and my mind was flooded with images and memories of him.

On one of his business trips to Bangkok, he went for a massage at Harnn & Thann, the luxury toiletries brand from thailand that we'd decided to use for our home in future. It was a good massage, he said, and he'd planned to bring me there.

When he came back from that trip, he bought us a lovely massage oil, and massaged me with the strokes he'd memorized. It was the best massage i ever had in my life. He told me that he'd massage me every night of our lives together, cos my back hurts a lot from a bad scoliosis condition.

And this image always comes to me... that the last night we had together, after he proposed to me, i massaged him to sleep, with the oil and the strokes he'd used on me... I'll always remember the feeling i had when i did things for him, that feeling of giving love is so magical and uplifting. I don't think i ever felt so much about giving love before i met him.

Birthday wishes

Since young, i had been "religious" about birthday wishes (it's silly i noe). I made sure i had a birthday cake every year, so that i can make a wish. (Once, i went out with my parents at past 11pm to 7-11 to buy a Sara Lee cake and ice cream cos my date didn't get a cake for me!)

And i'd never tell anyone any of my wishes. I thot if i told anyone, the wish won't come true. (Which logically follows that if i don't tell, it should come true...)

This year, i was thinking what i should wish for.

It suddenly occurred to me, that if we wish for something, we must have incorporated a degree of realism into it. In order to have some possibility that it will come true (and hence not be diappointed), we must have known that we have a certain amount of control over it.

Because, the only thing that came immediately to me that i want to wish for, is to have bernard back. Or maybe see him for just one more day... or something to that extent... But i won't be wishing for that, because the logical side of my mind tells me that it is impossible... at least for now...

So, i wished for the next dearest thing to my heart... i wish to be able to see our home through to completion, furnish it beautifully, and move into it in a year or so. I wish to live there for a while, to be truly independent. I wish for support. I wish people will stop discouraging me.

So much for birthday wishes. It is simply a resolution of sorts to make something happen, or a hope that something will happen. But a hope not out of this world, for disappointment may soon follow. Again.

Birthday celebrations

I'm sorry for being so down recently. It's quite difficult to always be in control and be happy. I cried a lot in these few days of Christmas festivities. I miss bernard so much.

But still, i'll continue to put in the effort, cos everybody has shown me so much love.

I had dinner with bernard's family on sat. My frens also kept me busy over the weekend. Hanglu went to church with me. Elaine arranged for a cosy lunch with Sherl, Fenn n Shuz. And on the night of my birthday, we had a big Christmas party at Crystal's place, with the gals and her bunch of frens. The gals surprised me with a santa rina costume, birthday cake and lots of presents. There was also surprise "guest appearances" - Pris, Eric, Lyon - who came by for a while. So happy to see all of them.

As they left, one of the gals said, "You will always have us to celebrate this day with you, remember that.." I was so touched. Thank you my dears.. for loving me.

When you receive love, you learn to give love.