leia's journey : One year later, one year ago...

Hanglu's blog is restricted, so i'll post what she wrote about us here...

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One year later, one year ago...

This is a little belated... in part because I don't really know what to say or how to say it...

Last Monday was 30 April.. one year ago on this date Bernard left for heaven. I wasn't in SG on Monday.. so arranged with Grace to go leave some flowers at his niche on Sat before I went to Vietnam.. It was not as emotional as the last time we went.. which was just some months after he left.. no uncontrollable sobbing, no hugs for support, no soaked through tissue papers.. but that same feeling that he's never left, that same heartache coz u can't reach out to a him in flesh and blood, that same denial that someone you knew, someone u know your best friend loves - cannot possibly be reduced to nothing but a small square box. those mixed, difficult to express feelings.. like i said about my grandma.. a year or any amount of time doesn't wipe away the memories of a lifetime or a loved one that lingers in your heart...

and one year later, i realised with some surprise and (almost) bemusement that I've probably cried more for Bernard making this early departure than I ever did for any guy who broke or hurt my heart... He made me realise how fragile life is, how easy it is to lose what's most precious to you, how we always takes things for granted without realizing it, how in life some things less tangible are so much more valuable...

And in this year, this journey I've walked alongside Grace.. In a way, I feel I'm exactly as I was before, yet again I feel what has happened has profoundly changed my life, the way I live my life and what matters to me.

[. . .]

And finally, a photo for the day... I never noticed the halos until I watched the video clip Grace made... and how appropriate - I know two that I feel are angels - and here they are:

It's not about winning, it's about finishing the race

Two years after Bernard and I ran the JPM challenge together, i finally decided to take part again. How things have changed... this year i am representing another company.

The whole time i was running, there was only one thought on my mind. Bernard was running right alongside me, and i wanted to finish the race well, like he did. And i never stopped.

My time was 35.55! hee

A precious gift

I received the most amazing gift today.

Mahesh borrowed a photo of Bernard from me middle of last year. He didn't say what it was for, only promising to return it to me sometime. I also didn't think much of it. Perhaps he was gonna blow it up and put it in a nice frame for me.

He finally returned it to me today... together with a stack of other photos.

Last year, Mahesh went to watch the World Cup semis in Germany. Sometime before that, i had told him that one of Bernard's dreams was to watch the World Cup live in the stadium.. and i had then decided that in 2010, i would surprise him with tickets for the World Cup.. wherever that will be. That was during one of my many musings, when i just rambled on and on to my frens...

Mahesh remembered. And he brought the photo of Bernard along with him to Germany. He took photos of Bernard's photo against the stadium entrance, the crowds, the fans, the teams, the banners, the tickets. And he gave those photos to me. "It was a boys night out... Bernard and I had a blast at the World Cup," he declared.

The most wonderful n precious gift that anyone could have given me... or could even have thought of... Words alone cannot describe what went thru my heart when i saw and heard all these.

It means so much to me.

(waiting for the soft copies... will post it here soon)

Thank you to those who remembered

• Thank you for your smses and prayers. Your thoughts, your words of encouragement, they really touch me... Eric, Gail, Meijun, Eileen

• Thank you for being my pillars of strength in my walk with God.. for praying n studying the bible with me, for helping me with the memoriam verses... Jo-lyn, Xiuling

• Thank you for going with me to the columbarium, for standing by me as i try to stand strong... Hanglu, Weisoon, Elaine (esp. Hanglu who makes sure i don't chicken out on life. heh)

• Thank you for being a dear fren, for checking in on me amidst ur busy schedule.. even thou suaning me rather mercilessly sometimes, u make me laugh n feel normal.. for acknowledging my pain n sitting in silence thru it with me... Mahesh

• Thank you for rallying around me, forcing me to run together every week whether i like it or not :P and simply, for normal, girly times even in days like these. n putting up with my nonsense. so glad to have u gals... Kristin, Keryn, Grace L, Crystal, Li Lian, Lydia

• Thank you for accompanying me through these couple of days, hanging out and occupying my time with relaxing n fun activities, guiding me and looking forward with me to fulfilling my dream house (n teaching me how to cook.. very impt)... Crystal

• Thank you for the card and book.. and yummy dinner last night. For being my mentor n fren.. And for all the times you listened and cared and shared, and for putting away everything to be where it mattered... Hui Joo

• Thank you for making time for dinner, for being a faithful and loving sister-in-Christ.. as i reflected upon the past year, thank you for giving me the biggest highlight - inviting me on the US trip with you... Priscilla

• Thank you for remembering... for the beautiful, beautiful flowers... for going out of your way to help, for praying with me, for being more than a boss... Amy

• Thank you for the card, with the sweetest little bear bear patches holding a "B" and "G".. for taking time to pore over our photos, for caring in your own way, for being, also, more than just a boss... Pearl

• Thank you for all the sessions.. listening, encouraging, practical advice and prayers... Tony Ting (btw i've graduated! last wednesday - the last session - marked the end of a year of counselling)

• Thank you for simply being there, quietly supporting me... my family, shu shu n shen shen n er-shen (for repairing the necklace that bernard gave me)

Seeing us thru my eyes

I spent sleepless nights making a video of us... a video that sees our lives thru my eyes.

I made it for Bernard, a gift that expresses how cherished n dear he is, and forever will be, to me...
I made it for me, to cast in stone the images, thoughts and feelings that are in my heart during this season of my journey...
And i made it for you, our frens... and i hope it touches you the way i have been touched by my angel.

In Loving Memory...

Since i can't publish the memoriam in the papers, thot i'll design one myself and publish right here instead!

With Hope

Steven Curtis Chapman
1 Thess. 4:13-14 / Heb. 6:9, 10:23

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Cry Out To Jesus

Words by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Sound of Colors

Love this song!

I thot the Korean version MV was sad enough... but this one is sadder!

Music is what feelings sound like

Why suddenly so many MVs?

haha actually one of the reasons is cos i couldn't embed them in the old template.

over time, i've stopped talking about myself and how i feel. sometimes i write here, cos people have a choice whether to read a blog or not. if you talk, they have no choice but to listen... heh. but looking back thru the posts, i'm also not very happy with how the blog has evolved. from a place recording bernard and my lives together, it became an account of my journey in a life without him.

maybe cos the 1 yr is coming soon, i've been terribly moody n withdrawn. and i've found that songs are the best expressions of feelings :) it relates without overwhelming the listener, and still retains beauty in the tune.

I Believe - Rio Diamond

The Dance - Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

Money matters (again)

btw, i got a reply regarding the late interest charges.

my lawyer called last friday, and told me that the developer is agreeable to waive half of the late interest charges owed. after the waiver it's still a whopping $1,000!!! i got a big shock man...

i know it shud be quite a sum but wasn't prepared for so much. when u are struggling to cope with suddenly financing a mortgage on ur own, u'll understand that $1k is a big sum...to me. because of this 1k, now i can't afford to put the in memoriam in the obits next monday. sigh

i guess at 10% interest, it's easy to snowball. but the thing i just can't accept is... that it's all so.. unjustified. it's wasted money. it's not money spent on constructive stuff, it's simply... wasted.

still, thank God as it could have been a lot worse... they have already waived the first 3 months interest (sep-dec06) and half of the next 3 months (dec06-mar07).

so scary. i've never owed so much money in my life. hundreds of thousands, all by myself. i never even revolve my credit cards. this is the first time i have to pay interest. yucks.

that's why i must eventually go back to work in a bank. earn back all the money they sucked away from me :P

If I Had Only Known

- Reba McIntyre

If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a lifeline to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only know
I'd never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you knew my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known

Homesick - Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

New look!

finally decided to revamp this blog. it's still work in progress...

actually i like the original template that was designed by my brother n sister better... just that Imageshack really sux leh... my pictures keep disappearing, even the background too! i had left it there for the longest time hoping it will recover somehow :P

anyway, instead of having to wait for my brother to "repair" for me every so often, i decided to take the easy way out and upgrade blogger to use the standard templates + drag-n-drop functions! :)

To: Mr. Lo W T Bernard &/or Ms. Chiong X Grace

The home loan is finally in place and disbursed... i just received notification that the first installment drawdown will taken place soon, exactly one year after bernard died...

and after all the hoo-ha, the bank didn't even bother to change the loan account title, and the letter was addressed jointly to bernard and me.. oh well.

i called the bank's hotline not too long ago, to re-activate some deposit account that is supposed to be used to service the loan. obviously the account has been inactive for the longest time...

so the officer did a phone verification. Since i was in a bank before, it was familiar to me. But he asked at least 7 questions (!!) instead of the usual 3 questions. At the last question, he asked, "and finally, is your account a single or joint name account, and can i have the account title pls?"

I was stumped. seriously... i dunno leh. did they change it? After much hesitation, i responded, "err... i think it's a joint name,.." and gave both our names. He sounded satisfied with my answer. sheesh. and you wonder how the bank's back-end processes work.

** Pls pray that the developers will be agreeable to waiving the scary amount of late payment interest that i seem to have chalked up... maybe that can buy me a few chairs for the house. heh

My song list

Gatherings with galfrens nowadays mostly involve helping to brainstorm for their wedding plans: ideal venue, perfect dress, theme, guests, songs, etc.

After such a dinner just now, i thot i'll have my own song list too. Not to be morbid here... but i want to list down the songs i want played/sung at my funeral. cos i'd already planned the other details and given them to hanglu for safekeeping. just in case. :P

These are some of my fave praise n worship songs: songs that i listened to in my darkest hours, that ministered to me, or simply that i like.

1) God Will Make A Way
2) We Are the Reason
3) This Kingdom
4) You Laid Aside Your Majesty
5) Shout to the Lord

And i hope these songs will touch people the same way they touched me.

My Cross

Attended a Catholic Mass with crystal and kris some weeks back during Lent, where they have something called Stations of the Cross:

"The object of the Stations is to help the faithful to make in spirit, as it were, a pilgrimage to the chief scenes of Christ's sufferings and death, and this has become one of the most popular of Catholic devotions. It is carried out by passing from Station to Station, with certain prayers at each and devout meditation on the various incidents in turn."

This is the thirteenth station:

Christ speaks:
The sacrifice is done. Yes, My Mass is complete; but not My Mother's and not yours, My other self. My Mother still must cradle in her arms the lifeless body of the Son she bore. You, too, must part from those you love, and grief will come to you. In your bereavement think of this: A multitude of souls were saved by Mary's sharing in My Calvary. Your grief can also be the price for souls.

Man's prayer:
My Lord Jesus, I beg You, help me accept the partings that must come - from friends who go away, my children leaving home, and most of all, my dear ones when You shall call them to Yourself. Then give me grace to say: "As it has pleased You, Lord, to take them home, I bow to Your most holy will. And if by just one word I might restore their lives against Your will, I would not speak."
Grant them eternal joy.

Home loan, legal matters n such

These are not pleasant things to deal with.

Not that the people (lawyers, bankers) are not pleasant, they all try to help as much as they can. But dying is a complicated process. The actual tasks of settling the estate, transferring titles, etc, weighs very heavily on the hearts of those who have to do it. There's no escaping, lawyer's letters will find their way home (factually n coldly written, no less... i don't suppose they mean to be so blatant, but a fact is a fact, they can't be writing stuff like, "oh you poor thing you"...) I have to take calls in the meeting room, toilet, or downstairs, and compose myself before returning to my desk.

I received a call today from the home loan officer, finally, telling me that the bank is prepared to let me continue with the original terms of the loan. The only change is the change of name to mine.

The background to this is that because i have to cancel our joint-name loan and reapply under my own name, they had wanted to impose the new, higher interest rates on me. They even informed me that they will kindly waive the cancellation charges for me. I was enraged. Being penalized due to procedural reasons is simply unacceptable. After all, is it my choice that i have to change the name on our loan?

And the worst thing is, because of how emotionally involved i am, it's not easy for me to face the problem and do something about it.

Anyway, as mentioned in a previous post, i finally made my stand clear. And they said ok. As Crystal said, most things can be done, it's only a matter of whether people want to do it for you. And of cos, i thank God for this.

Now, i just have to deal with the other problem. Apparently because of legal matters outstanding, the installment payments couldn't be made and i'm owing the developers several hundred bucks in late payment interest, at an exorbitant rate of 10%. (On top of singly saving up for furnishings and repaying his parents. Grace Charity Fund, anybody??)

Sigh. How more difficult can they make things??

Btw, i drove past the development today to see how it is progressing. It's built to the 5th (top) storey already :)

But in any case, i realized that there's nothing more beautiful than having frens who cheer you on and rally around you in both ups and downs. After receiving the call, i texted Hanglu and Crystal to tell them, and the happiness they expressed for me is just so uplifting.

(Picture taken in mid-Jan 07)

Touching lives

I randomly stumbled upon someone's blog that mentioned this blog. (was trying to see if this blog is search-able...) She found the link off someone else' tagboard. Actually i've no idea how anyone could have found this blog, other than people i told.

Anyway, she read some of it, and said that it touched her and nearly made her cry. Another said that it's very romantic.
When i saw these comments, my feelings were mixed.

I guess it's kinda nice knowing that our story is so touching that it moves people. On the other hand, for someone who loves sappy Korean romantic movies (like A Moment to Remember), i never would have imagined that my own love story will also have a tragic ending.

It's the typical "it only happens in the movies" mentality...

So in the meantime, i suppose it's nice to have touched others, no matter how briefly. More importantly, i hope that those dearest to me will recognize that my strength is drawn from God... and that it is a good testimony.

Chin up!

After moping for the longest time, i'm ready to take on the world!

My work attitude has been sliding into dangerous territory, and i'm sick of feeling victimized. So i decided to take charge of my life. *finally*

Apart from work, the other thing bugging me is our house. So, instead of complaining for half an hr to poor Hanglu about how sucky life is and how irritated i am with the darned bank, i drew upon my newfound if-you-can't-convince-them-confuse-them & talk-until-others-give-up skills that i learnt from being in consultancy, and made (hopefully enough) noise regarding the loan re-application. The bank's policy is ridiculous. Then again, banks are not charities, they mostly benefit at your expense. (No offence to bankers... i used to be one too, and a rather proud one. It is a glamorous job.)

Anyway. To you who reads my blog, I'm partially moving back to my old blog. Will keep this one clutter-free and relevant and nice. So all whinings go into my personal blog!

The procrastinator in me

So, I've finally gotten down to writing this. I've been thinking about it since last Monday, I think... and when Thursday came around, I chickened out and scribbled in my journal instead. I thought about it somemore over the weekend (which incidentally was packed to the brim), and now here I am.

Thinking about what? That last Thursday was Bernard's birthday. That I haven't been blogging for the longest time (then again, I wondered why I felt like I had to account for myself). I meant to post pictures of our celebration last year - I brought him on a cruise cos he said he's not been on one. We nua-ed the whole time. We watched sunrise on the balcony. It was beautiful... The cruise was a surprise. I gave him a packing list, and fretted for the longest time how to get him to HarbourFront without him guessing... Vivocity wasn't open yet, and HarbourFront is hardly the usual place to go for a meal after work right?

Escapist
I decided I'm a procrastinator, or an escapist, or both. I escape from things that I dread doing, and I avoid thinking about them (i seem to think they'll go away if i ignore them long enough). Lately, more and more, I've been avoiding thinking about all these. And on the few occasions that I had flashbacks, cold fear gripped my heart. The impossibility of it all still overwhelms me. I hate that feeling. And I forced myself again not to think about him. Therefore, I also have not updated or even visited this blog. I didn't dare to... i dunno why.

To restore some normalcy to my life, none of my colleagues at my new company knows about this (or so I hope), except one guy whom I already knew from school. One girl told me she found me on Friendster, and I freaked out (I know. She's being friendly, I'm being paranoid). So now, my profile is restricted to very few. As is my personal life. Learning to handle questions about my singleness (there must be a reason for it, it seems) is easier than having to handle looks of sympathy (or just pity?) and sadness.

But I still wear the ring he gave me. On my right hand now, so that people won't ask awkward questions.

Oh, wait. Let me digress for a while here.
When I fill up forms, sometimes i wonder, for the marital status field, is it necessary to include a box for "widowed"? most people probably go checking off "single" or "married" without giving it much thought. But for widows/widowers/divorcees/separated, do they fall into "single", or must their status be so special as to merit a different category for them? I mean, I suppose except certain government bodies that must know this; does it really make much of a difference to the marketing/research/analytical efforts? Will it be considered discrimination?
Do we all fall neatly into boxes? (sounds so Sex & the City tag-line!)

Well, just a thought. You'd be surprised how much detail some forms get into. They might as well have boxes for "still working things out", or "it's complicated".

So, how am I? some people have been asking. I'm ok, getting along. I've accepted that it's ok to say I'm ok. For quite a long time I resented the questions: "how are you?" or "are you ok", thinking bitterly, "how ok do you think I can be??", or "what do you expect??" But of cos, I was hysterical, so pls forgive me. Now, I live each day as it comes. I try to spend lots of time with friends and family and appreciate them and love them more. But I still haven't found the ambition I used to have nor any meaning in work. I feel more and more scared that I cannot finance our house or pay his parents back, and that will really leave me with absolutely nothing to look forward to or be happy about. At least for now.

2006: Year in Review
The other night, I was thinking about 2006. I thought, 2006 was an excruciatingly painful struggle, without exaggerating. It was a rollercoaster of emotions – from fear to despair, sadness to guilt, pain to hopelessness, in no particular order, and sometimes all at once. Even so, I knew I still had to figure out what becomes of my life, and plan something, do something about it. All these cumulated into a whole lot of stress n frequent nightmares. I must say the CFA exam in Dec played its part in both keeping my mind occupied and giving me tons of stress.

But also, I realized 2006 was full of love and care from friends and family and colleagues who gave me their support in many ways. It was full of beautiful friendships that developed and grew, wonderful memories of precious time spent with them. I learnt to rejoice in the successes and happiness in my friends' lives instead of dwelling on the emptiness of my own. 2006 challenged my relationship with God. In 2006, I had grown up more and quicker than ever before (then again, I used to be really willful and took my time growing up!) And somewhere, somehow, there is a heightened awareness about life... but this is a feeling I can't quite explain yet...

Anyway, I'll post the pictures another day, perhaps.

Vacuum

I was looking thru my posts, and saw one post that was a draft. The title was "Vacuum". When I opened it, it was empty. haha... how apt. i don't remember what i had meant to write, except that it was created on 12 Jan 07.

* * *

Oh i suddenly realized when i saw the time of the post. it's past midnight. So i had meant to write about the date 11 Jan. As mentioned in one of the earlier entries, Bernard had designated 0111 as our number, and 11 Jan as our special date...

Today is actually 5 Mar. But i'll leave the posting date as it was la

All I want for Christmas...

Birthday presents

On saturday, i went for a massage using the voucher that bernard bought for me so many months ago for my birthday.

As i lay there, i couldn't relax and my mind was flooded with images and memories of him.

On one of his business trips to Bangkok, he went for a massage at Harnn & Thann, the luxury toiletries brand from thailand that we'd decided to use for our home in future. It was a good massage, he said, and he'd planned to bring me there.

When he came back from that trip, he bought us a lovely massage oil, and massaged me with the strokes he'd memorized. It was the best massage i ever had in my life. He told me that he'd massage me every night of our lives together, cos my back hurts a lot from a bad scoliosis condition.

And this image always comes to me... that the last night we had together, after he proposed to me, i massaged him to sleep, with the oil and the strokes he'd used on me... I'll always remember the feeling i had when i did things for him, that feeling of giving love is so magical and uplifting. I don't think i ever felt so much about giving love before i met him.

Birthday wishes

Since young, i had been "religious" about birthday wishes (it's silly i noe). I made sure i had a birthday cake every year, so that i can make a wish. (Once, i went out with my parents at past 11pm to 7-11 to buy a Sara Lee cake and ice cream cos my date didn't get a cake for me!)

And i'd never tell anyone any of my wishes. I thot if i told anyone, the wish won't come true. (Which logically follows that if i don't tell, it should come true...)

This year, i was thinking what i should wish for.

It suddenly occurred to me, that if we wish for something, we must have incorporated a degree of realism into it. In order to have some possibility that it will come true (and hence not be diappointed), we must have known that we have a certain amount of control over it.

Because, the only thing that came immediately to me that i want to wish for, is to have bernard back. Or maybe see him for just one more day... or something to that extent... But i won't be wishing for that, because the logical side of my mind tells me that it is impossible... at least for now...

So, i wished for the next dearest thing to my heart... i wish to be able to see our home through to completion, furnish it beautifully, and move into it in a year or so. I wish to live there for a while, to be truly independent. I wish for support. I wish people will stop discouraging me.

So much for birthday wishes. It is simply a resolution of sorts to make something happen, or a hope that something will happen. But a hope not out of this world, for disappointment may soon follow. Again.

Birthday celebrations

I'm sorry for being so down recently. It's quite difficult to always be in control and be happy. I cried a lot in these few days of Christmas festivities. I miss bernard so much.

But still, i'll continue to put in the effort, cos everybody has shown me so much love.

I had dinner with bernard's family on sat. My frens also kept me busy over the weekend. Hanglu went to church with me. Elaine arranged for a cosy lunch with Sherl, Fenn n Shuz. And on the night of my birthday, we had a big Christmas party at Crystal's place, with the gals and her bunch of frens. The gals surprised me with a santa rina costume, birthday cake and lots of presents. There was also surprise "guest appearances" - Pris, Eric, Lyon - who came by for a while. So happy to see all of them.

As they left, one of the gals said, "You will always have us to celebrate this day with you, remember that.." I was so touched. Thank you my dears.. for loving me.

When you receive love, you learn to give love.

This season

It's been a long time since i wrote in this blog.

For the past couple of months, i've been focusing all my time and energy into my new job, and the CFA exam.

Now, the exam is over, and i'm quite settled in my job... and the dreaded season of birthday/Christmas/New Year is coming.

The counsellor said, that festive occasions are the most trying times for a person going through bereavement. And as he said that, all the pent-up sadness, frustration, loneliness and stress that i've been controlling for the past few months just overwhelmed me, and i broke down and cried bitterly. It hasn't been easy. When i tried to study, images of the accident would flash into my mind. The familiar crushing sense of fear and loss would come back. And i'd make myself picture bernard right there beside me, encouraging me to continue on.



As I did my Christmas shopping, everywhere in town is so beautifully decked out in gold and glitter... everybody is in high spirits... "Love is in the air", the banners proclaim. This time of the year is the most fun we all have. It's holiday time, we get to dress up, work less, and spend more time with our loved ones. I go out for movies, dinners and parties, celebrate weddings and birthdays, laugh and joke with frens. But no matter how i surround myself with people, only God knows what this lonely journey is like for me.

While trying to decide on a date for dinner with a bunch of galfrens, one fren winked at me and said, "well, i suppose 24th is out since it's ur birthday and you must have special plans already!" Truth is, i didn't have any plans. In fact, i was painfully reminded that bernard is no longer here with me this Christmas.

I just watched The Holiday, and honestly, i can't feel a thing. I'm a romantic. Shows like Love Actually used to make me cry. But i'm just not sure why i don't get it anymore. The only shows that i cry to nowadays are those where someone is lost.

Ironically, this season of pain is also the season we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour. I can only hold on to the hope that Heaven is decked out more majestically than we can ever imagine, and everyday is full of love, joy and peace. And my bernard is just right there, singing songs of praise and worship everyday.

A breath away’s not far.. To where you are

Click on the picture to watch the MV on YouTube
(Ally McBeal version)

To Where You Are - Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be?
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
’cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Sharing lives... random thots (part 2)

Oh yes. Another thot i had last night (yes i think a lot, but always too tired/lazy to get up n write down or blog it)

I was just thinking of this blog...
At first my grand plan was to share our lives and photos with the rest of the world.. well not really the world.. but i suppose with all our frens. Sort of like reaching out to people and stuff like that maybe help people recover by seeing more of this personal side of his life.

Over time, i realized... that this blog is actually for myself. It is for me to help myself recover, to reach out to me, deep deep inside where it is bittersweet.

Borrow from hanglu's blog... this song is very touching...

Melodies of Life from Final Fantasy IX.

(Lyrics in the english version of the song)

Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life--love's lost refrain

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings

In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?

If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember

Sharing lives... random thots

Last night, the last thought i had before falling asleep was that i'm willing to exchange as many years of my life as it takes for his... if only we can spend the rest of our lives together... i'll give him half of mine. Not more also, cos i don't want to die before him and he'll be heartbroken.

Just a random thot...

Portrait of a happy family

Happy first wedding anniversary to Raymond and Xianghe on 2 Oct...

Oct 2005 was an exciting month for Bernard's family and for us as well. In Oct 05, Er-ge got married, Da-ge and Da-sao had their lovely bundle of joy - Audrey, and we went on the adventure of our lifetime to New Zealand. Later on i learnt, that it was also in Oct 05 that he'd placed the order for our engagement ring.

Bernard is very much a family man, and nothing made him happier than to see so many good things happening at home. I was also very happy to share in his joy and be part of his world. To be there in the morning for the tea ceremony, and to sit together at the family table during the wedding banquet, meant a lot to me.

To my darling, thank you for loving me

Dear baby,

I have written to you in my personal journals almost everyday for the past few months. I will share today's entry here.

Today, I just want to say, thank you for loving me.

Thank you for caring for me, for entrusting your heart to me, for opening up your life and bringing out the best in me.

True love is the unconditional giving of oneself. Thank you for teaching me that.

On the 1st of every month, i feel a tinge of sadness. As Crystal was sending me home last night, i thot, 5 months have passed... My frens have lovingly taken over the "task" of caring for me. I miss you everyday, and i wonder, are you watching over all of us from heaven? I wonder everyday what heaven is like for you. I know you are still loving me from where you are. You don't have to worry about me, cos you know that God will provide for my every need, as i continue on my journey here before we meet again in heaven.

Yesterday, Elaine and i were supposed to go blading, but it rained heavily. I was secretly relieved. Because you taught me how to blade, and i am still not confident enough to blade without holding on to your hand. The feeling of my hand in yours as we glided along East Coast Park was the most comforting feeling. But i know, i can't be such a wuss forever. So at night, i decided to join some of our frens for mahjong. It was the first time i played, after the last time when you sat with me and taught me to play. I have improved abit, you know? It is a small step, a part of picking myself up and learning to do everything by myself, those things that you used to do for me and with me.

I was looking thru the posts in the blog. Most of the blog was a record of all the activities that we had done together. But that was not all there was to our relationship, for we also learnt the value of just being together.

We started off doing something great, something fascinating every weekend. We went fishing, blading, suntanning, the list goes on. But over time, we came to realize that great times exist in quiet moments too. We then started enjoying time together at home, whether cosying up to a good movie, or with a cup of hot cocoa and a good book. Or even feasting on takeaway (my fave ngor hiang from boon lay) and watching Liverpool matches. During the New Year countdown at Sentosa, we stayed away from all the revelry, and spent the 4 hours or so just sitting on the beach enjoying each other's presence, reflecting and talking quietly. We smiled at each other a lot, we enjoyed those perfect moments.



Thank you for all our beautiful memories.

Love, grace

A Photo Journey thru 2006

The new 2007 calendars are out in Borders. How time flies...

Late last year, i was searching for the perfect calendar for my work desk. A doggie one? a french-word-a-day one? an island resort one? travel destinations? cartoons? I am a perfectionist. All those that i saw were just not it. They weren't special enough.

Bernard knew that i was looking for a nice calendar. One day, we were out shopping along Orchard Road. I wanted to go into Borders (again) to check out the 2006 calendars. He seemed disinterested, and complained that he was tired. He suggested that we go home and rest, and buy the calendars another day. I was so disappointed.

Later on, when we were having dinner on my birthday, he placed a calendar on the restaurant table and waited (quite long, as i said, i'm very blur) for me to notice it. When i finally picked it up and examined it, i realized that he'd taken the beautiful scenery shots of our New Zealand holiday and made them into a calendar for me! I was so touched... it is the perfect calendar.

He reminded me of that day he didn't want to go into Borders with me. Telling me he was tired was just an excuse for preventing me from buying a calendar, cos he already planned to make that one for me. He told me that seeing me look so disappointed upset him a lot, "you know me, i would never be like that. i'll always have something planned for you.."

There was even a meaning for the photos he chose for each month.

This picture taken during our hot-air balloon ride represented "a new beginning"

He meant for this to be like an oasis in the middle of the year... when i flipped to it in May, it reminded me that he had gone to paradise...

To me, this picture seemed so apt, that i was taking off into the unknown...
We waited very long to capture this moment! He didn't want to make me wait, but i wanted to, cos i knew he loved to take such artistic shots.

A lovely sunset for the end of the year, he said.
Last year, he had used this photo to make postcards for his colleagues during Christmas. That was really sweet, wasn't it?

A calendar full of love to accompany me as i journey thru 2006, the year that changed my life.

In Dec 2005, he sent me a bouquet of flowers at work, for a beautiful 2006 ahead.....

I love you for who you are...

Today is my last day in Citi. How did it come to this?

I think i had done well, and had planned to develop my career there. Bernard and i had discussed our career plans, and he always encouraged me thru all the tough times at work, telling me how proud he was of me, and keeping me driven yet sane.

It was very sad to be really leaving. Perhaps because it is my first job, or 'cos i made so many dear frens there... or perhaps cos that's where i met Bernard.


A picture of us taken during Dinner & Dance 2005


Having dinner after work
I was writing thank you notes last night, and i thot, how abt putting in some nice quotes that i like? I have a little Muji notebook where i jotted down a few of my fave quotes. I randomly flipped to the middle of the notebook, where it was still blank, and saw a note written by Bernard.

He wrote,
"I love you for who you were, who you are... and who you will be.... love, Bernard"
And i wrote below,
"I love you not only for who you are, but who i am when i am with you.... love, Grace"

I was stunned.
Cos i'd forgotten that it's there, and even when we wrote it. It was the most indescribable bitter-sweet feeling.

Teeing Off

"At some point, she would have to finish her round without me"
- Chasing Daylight, Gene O'Kelly

This is the first sport we learnt together, without realizing at first.


We both took up the corporate offer for elementary lessons at Marina South. His classes were on Mondays, mine on Thursdays.

One day, i found some excuse to attend his class, in anticipation that i'd be missing mine ;) He had learnt some basics before, so he came over to coach me personally. A bit shy, cos there were other colleagues around...

In the following weeks, he'd fetch me from my classes, and i'd fetch him from his, and we'd go for supper. The time spent together was never enough, and we'd linger on in the car park outside his/my home and chat for ages before parting.




We loved checking out golf stuff, especially clothes (we're both rather hiao~) He loves the dri-fit, turtleneck-type of t-shirts. We even bought matching tees and sunshades... hee...

Golf is a sport that requires much practice. I borrowed from several frens to practise, and to take the PC test. It is difficult to practise and be consistent without your own clubs. Knowing that i'm not comfortable forking out such a big sum of money for a set of clubs (he's generous with me, but it's not something i'd allow him to buy for me), he brought me shopping, bought me a new set of golf clubs, and told me to pay him back in instalments and to take as long as i need. I was very touched, cos that to me is a form of commitment...

Golf is a sport that we spent time encouraging each other to improve on. We'd watch each other's strokes, and help to correct each other. He also taught me (according to one of his customers), that one way to keep those jutting elbows in was to tuck a towel under the arm and not allow it to drop during the swing.

It is through learning golf with Bernard that i learnt the value of compliments. He compliments me all the time, proudly saying "nice shot!" whenever i manage a decent enough swing. When i missed, he'd smile at me and encourage me to continue, and assure me that it's ok (i'm a perfectionist). From that, i realized how powerful simple praise can be, and learnt to always compliment. From simply looking good in a new shirt to exceeding sales targets at work, i would tell him so, and remind him how proud i am of him - a filial son, loving brother, caring fren, and gentle lover.

This is one of the most important lessons he taught me - How to love, and show love.

Because You Loved Me

To my baby...
Last night when i cried, and missed you so painfully, i heard this well-loved song over the radio...
I want to dedicate it to you...
-------------------------------------------------------

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through, through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Tong Hua MV

Click to watch the MV on YouTube

Love, Me...

If you get there before I do,
don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down,
darling wait and see.
And between now and then,
till I see you again,
I'll be loving you.
Love, me.

My struggle

I'm so tired...

If Tomorrow Never Comes...

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

-- If Tomorrow Never Comes, Ronan Keating

Conquering Mt Ophir

We went to climb Mt Ophir last year (9 to 11 Sep 05). It was a large group of about 20, half of us were colleagues, the other half were frens outside work. It was such a fun time...




I was wearing a cap with "Think about it"
and his T-shirt said "Just do it!"
Wat a coincidence! It reflects both our natures pretty well :)
Like i said in one of the posts, i suppose Ophir was challenging enough for sendetary city folks like us. It was a steep climb with many boulders and rock surfaces to scale. Being young and ambitious, we all refused to use the "commercialized" ladders placed to help climbers, rather, we all used ropes to pull ourselves up. It must be peer pressure or pride, or both!



After a bit of hard work, we reached a refreshing waterfall. All of us happily waded in to splash around. It was so cold, and groups of us gals would hold hands and wade gingerly towards the plunge pool... and when we were right under the waterfall, we'd scream in unison and giggle... then we'd rush away... and then repeat this a few times :) Water massage is rather nice actually. Bernard sneaked up behind me and carried me, screaming and kicking, over to the fall and placed me squarely under the cold gush of water.
So naughty, so like him to do that :)

When we were climbing, he was always behind me, his arms outstretched to protect me and catch me if i fall. He encouraged me, always smiling, always cheerful. And of cos, always taking photos!


There was one time, he stayed behind to help someone who was having cramps, while the rest of us went ahead. We waited for them at one of the rest points, and they took very long. At that time, i started to feel fear creeping into my heart... it's a scary feeling, I was so worried for him.. The rush of relief when he finally appeared was so overwhelming that i didn't know whether to laugh or cry or be angry with him. They took so long because they stopped frequently to rest. Anyway, I'm proud of him that he stayed with the guy all the way, even massaging his leg to relieve the cramps and patiently helping him along.

Finally, we reached the summit!


Beautiful sunset

The night, we took a walk around the campsite, while the rest of the group debated over what game to play. It was pitch dark, but as we walked near some trees, we saw a firefly! Believe it or not, it was the first time i saw a firefly, at least as far as i can remember. He managed to catch it in his palm for me. Such a fragile and beautiful creature!

Later on, as we gazed at the blanket of glittering stars, i leaned against him as he held me from behind. Then, he let go of me for a while, and told me he'd caught another firefly. Urging me to switch on my torch, he wanted me to shine the light on his palm and look closely. (It didn't occur to me at that point that a firefly has light of its own, so why the torch??)

He opened up his cupped hands to reveal a most beautiful, sparkling ring.

It was a ring to signify his commitment to our relationship, he said. He wanted me to be assured that he is serious about me, and of cos, i knew that he also wanted me to agree to ballot for a flat with him (which i had refused for a long time! :)

It was a very private, romantic moment. Our hearts were secretly joyous as we rejoined the group and played Polar Bear.

Btw, it's a game that is potentially damaging to friendships! We had people looking at each other in the eye and claiming that they would never lie to them (which of cos was not true).

The next morning, rise and shine...

My personal trainer

When we were just getting to know each other over short but frequent emails (it perks up a boring/tiring work day!), he found out that i went to Cali using credit card perks. He went to Planet. Then he tried to convince me that Planet is better, and that i shud just try it (he supposed he could bring me, of cos, if i was interested :)

One day, when we were standing around waiting for someone in the office lobby, we discussed gym memberships again. I told him why go Planet when i can go to Cali for free and get essentially the same thing? He replied, "Well at Planet there's me..." My heart skipped a beat as i turned to look at him, with his easy grin :)

Later on, before i went with him to Planet, i was slightly nervous and conscious, so i went to buy myself a new set of nike gear..

From then on, i signed up as well, and we worked out together regularly. He was a PTI in army, so he naturally became my personal trainer. I would look at him quizzically as he taught me how to use the machines and weights. When i'm done, i'll look at him, pleased with myself, as he insisted "2 more sets". I'd bargain with him to decrease the weights or number of crunches per set.. and i'll whine a bit, look pathetic, etc... that's what u can do when ur presonal trainer is ur boyfriend :)
But while he'd entertain my efforts for a while, he still lovingly but firmly encouraged me to persevere, by alternating each set with me as i try to match him.

The gym was also a place we could go for a quick shower after blading, or an early morning run, without having to go home. That meant we could continue with our day while it was still early, and spend more time doing more stuff together.

We were looking forward to the opening of the Marine Parade outlet... for that will be closer to our future home...

What a Onederful World

We have a dream home...

This is the only photo i have of him in the showflat.



It was July 05, when he suggested for the first time to see a showflat... Over the next few months, we visited many condo showflats, went to the HDB hub, checked out interior designers, and discussed at length our fave styles. It was a fun and exciting time.

In Dec 05, we came to one small condo development that we were fairly interested in. We talked about it seriously, worked out our finances, and tried to convince ourselves that this could be the one. However, there was just something missing...

The agent let slip that there was another development in the area that was coming up, which was directly competing with this development and resulted in slow sales. He also mentioned the name of this new condo.

Bernard went to google the name, and finally found its address. We went to take a look.

The property was not launched yet, but sales was going strong. The saying, you'll know it's the right one when you see it, holds true! We both fell in love with the property, however, there weren't many units left, and not one seemed to satisfy both of us. As we drove off, i scrutinized the floorplans again, and saw one that we missed earlier that fulfilled both our "requirements"! We turned back excitedly and inquired about the unit, which was still available. A lot happened along the way, but in short, we came back to place the cheque for it on the same day.

It was an exhilarating moment. We amazed ourselves with making possibly our biggest purchase in the shortest time. But never had we felt so sure :)

Our dream home... It was the highlight of our conversations, as we dreamt about how it will look like, as we discussed and compromised on how we'd like the place to be done up. Being both idealistic, visual and romantic people, we agreed that interior design is important, and the home is not just a place to sleep, but it will be a lifestyle in itself. Even though the TOP is some years away, we went to check out home expos, websites, and furniture stores. For a young couple, this is a big step into an exciting unknown, a precious experience only shared by us. It was part of growing up together. Buying a second property will never feel like this again. Through budgeting together, we had silently agreed to work together towards a common goal, a shared dream.


Our unit number is #01-11. After we bought the place, we went to bid for the car plate number 111. On Jan 11, 06, he smsed me "Baby today is 0111! Its a really special number to us! It represents "Its onederful love!""

This is our dream. Now, it has become my dream... I want to work towards this dream, the only remaining dream that keeps me motivated and going. I dream to be able to move out and live in it one day. I want to do it up the way we envisioned it. I want to hold house parties like we said we would. I might keep a dog, maybe a welsh corgi or a sheltie, which we both liked. I like the location, the layout, the finishings, and i might never find another one like this...

Dreaming of you...

These are a few dreams that i remember quite clearly...

Last night in HK

On my last night in HK, i dreamt of Bernard.

I dreamt that he came back for a while... i hugged him and told him many things, which i can't remember now. In the middle of the dream, i woke up cos i needed to use the toilet. When i woke up, i knew that my time with him was up, and my last thot was wondering whether i told him that i miss him terribly...

I tried to re-dream the dream, if u know what i mean... but i couldn't...

I have a problem with remembering my dreams. But this time, even thou waking up meant my dream was interrupted, it also meant that i can remember it more clearly.

Back from the States

The first night i was back from America, i dreamt of him. I dreamt that he was sitting in the living room, and i was invisible to him. I found it highly amusing to jump around the room and disturb him, poking him and stuff. He got irritated and tried to throw things in my direction. Then i hopped over to him and kissed him, and we both laughed... what a strange dream.

I woke up and cried my heart out.

Soon after it happened

One of my more painful dreams, but also the most vivid.

I dreamt that i was with a fren, and we were shopping around for interior designers for my home. This designer came up with two designs, and he built the 3D models in two boxes. I peered into the first box; it looked ugly, full of splotches of clashing colours. Disappointed, i asked my fren how the second one was. She told me it was quite nice, and passed the box to me.

I looked inside, and at first glance, thot it looked rather nice and zen. But upon closer scrutiny, i realized that it was the crematorium hall... and i was looking up the wood-panelled walls at the high ceiling... i cried to her, no no it cannot be, how can this be nice??

Back again...

I'm back from a short holiday in Hong Kong. In total, i've travelled for 22 days, and have taken a full month of unpaid leave for that (plus some extra days to recover from jet-lag!)

The places i went to, incidentally, are places that Bernard and i have planned for this year and next year. This year, he intended to use the travel vouchers he earned to bring us to HK. The idea was to take several short trips this year instead of a long one so that we can save up for our home. Next year, our plan for block leave was to travel the east coast of the US...

Frens tell me i'm lucky to be on leave, to travel so far and wide... but what is lucky? Will i still be considered lucky, if i told them i'd rather give up everything i have to have Bernard back? I'd rather not be so "lucky" to go on long holidays, if all these have not happened.

However, i know this is an unfair retort, cos there's nothing they can say to that. I know they mean well, and no one wants this to happen. Given that it can't be undone, i do realize that i have been blessed in many other ways. Not everyone, when faced with a painful setback in life, can afford the time and resources to leave everything behind like this.

Count your blessings... a cliche, an often-used phrase, but true.

I've been blessed with Pris who brought me away on such a long holiday, yet not needing to pay for accommodation at all.
I've been blessed with Crystal, who went with me to HK (this short holiday helped me out of a bad "withdrawal" after the US trip). She's like a big sister to me, counselling me, helping me to get my life in order again, letting me stay over with her...
I've been blessed with a supportive family, who are there when i cry and silently stood by me when i just don't want to talk.
I've been blessed with enough resources to go away and spend as i wish.
I've been blessed with a company that granted me such a long leave, colleagues who rally around me, and even people i don't know who pray for me.

I've been blessed with the experience of true love. So short, but so very sweet...

Taking a break

I'm back from a long holiday in the US. Went with Pris to visit her sisters. It was a good break - interesting places to see, new environment, fun and happy times with great company. I thank God for granting us this timely vacation, to be away to just relax and recover from those exhausting few months. Also very grateful to Pris and her family for warmly welcoming me, and showing me so much care. It was something I looked forward to, and it kept me going day after day.


But as with all good times, this too had to end.

Bernard used to assure me that I need not worry when our holidays or weekends came to an end, for there will still be so much so much more to look forward to... many more exciting weekends, adventurous holidays, as we build our treasure trove of memories. The day after we came back from New Zealand, we lay in bed, side by side, and laughed the whole day. I dunno what was so funny... everytime we stopped laughing and glanced at each other, we'd burst into laughter again. I guess we were just... happy. There's no explanation needed for being happy.

As the plane took off, the lights of New York faded through the raindrop-stained windows. Tears rolled down my face as the heaviness of reality weighed upon me again. And this song played over my headset...

Tears In Heaven
Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I miss him so much... there's so much I want to tell him, so much I want to share with him.

When I stood on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building, I wished I could share the view with him. I wondered, is there a view from heaven?
As I waited in queue to buy stamps for postcards, I thought, how nice it'd be if I can send a postcard to heaven...

All these will have to wait, until I meet him in heaven again...

Will you marry me?

He had already bought the ring many months ago. He spent many late nights planning for this surprise. It was the most beautiful proposal...

Under a blanket of stars, with a table laid out for just the two of us, complete with our fave wine from NZ. A huge bouquet of roses and chocolates, a collection of my fave photos of him, a lovely solitaire that sparkles like his eyes...
With that, he asked me to let him take care of me all his life...

* * *

Bernard knew that i love the idea of water cottages. I showed him a picture of my dream destination - a resort in Maldives.

At Adex, i actually pointed out a picture of the resort in Sipadan that he had already booked for us, and marvelled at how beautiful it looked. He just smiled and didn't say anything, and steered me away. I don't really remember that moment, he only told me about it later when we were at the resort. He said, i looked a little disappointed at his disinterest, and it was so hard for him to contain his excitement about the surprise.

The resort was like paradise. Everything was perfect. The water cottage was breezy and very private, with a bath tub that overlooks the clear water. The wide, wooden window panels in the bedroom opens out to a tranquil view of the sparkling turquoise sea. He sat on the porch, as i leaned over the railing and gleefully sang (off-key) "Amazing Grace".



At that time, i'd never have imagined that the next time i sang Amazing Grace, wld be as the cortege moves off...

My prayer for you...

We used to always pray for each other...

Now, as i close my eyes in prayer every night, i pray for God to give me strength and fill my heart with His love. Then i wonder how to pray for bernard. What do i pray for, where do i even start?

The guy that i mentioned earlier, who also lost his loved ones... When he was sharing with me, i asked him how he prays for his wife and child. He told me, he gives thanks that they are well with God now...

But i thot to myself... selfishly, all i ever want is for bernard to stay by my side. No matter how wonderful heaven is (i can't imagine), the reality is, i'm still here. All i wish for is that he is here to walk with me thru all the days of our lives... so how do i even begin to pray?

Tong Hua - our song

Why is Tong Hua our song?

I can't really pinpoint it to a single moment when we decided on that.
Maybe it started with him taking part in the Celeb Look-Alike contest (Guang Liang), or maybe we both just like the song alot.
Or it might be because one day, when i was holding him, i whispered to him, "baby you're my angel".

And that became a part of our love story, cos we both kinda like the idea. He likes it cos i always tell him that he's like my angel, always protecting me and loving me. And to me, he's just perfect. His weaknesses are all part of him, the bernard that i love. I told him, without those little "weaknesses", he just won't be him... so, i love him just the way he is. And he loves me the same too... even for my stubbornness, wilfulness, strong opinions n fiery temper.

Redang
The most significant incident about this song Tong Hua was during our trip to Redang last year. One morning we woke up, and i was feeling a little grouchy. I can't remember wat i said, or maybe it was because i didn't say a thing, that upset him. And we both became upset with each other. (Things always sound so trivial when you think back...)

As he lay in bed and i busied myself with washing up etc, we refused to talk to each other. In the end, i sat beside him and tried to nudge him but he ignored me. Suddenly, a strong n well-loved tune broke the silence, it was Tong Hua. We looked at each other in surprise and smiled (i mean, we were in a little island in Malaysia! how random...), and all the unpleasantness of the past few minutes melted away. To us, it was like a little sign, reminding us to put aside our pride, and remember wat is really important.




The Summer Mo Mo Cha house; Our feet in the clear water
Oh yes, almost forgot to explain how come Tong Hua was playing. There was two gals staying in the chalet next to us, and the wooden walls were not exactly sound-proof... so, they just decided at that point to blast the song on their CD/MP3 player or smtg :)

In life, we should...

Swim in the seas...


A beautiful holiday in the island paradise of Redang, where we held each other in chest-deep water, and calling the little fishes as his witnesses, he proudly proclaimed his love for me... (drama, i noe!!)

Fly in the sky...


Our proudest and most exhilarating moment, as we leapt off the little plane 12,000 ft over the magnificent Lake Taupo, NZ. (To be honest, for me it wasn't "leapt off", it was "shoved off".)

Actually, i was a little nervous, and was the last to get on the plane (after bernard). I didn't realize then, that it meant i was going to be the first off the plane! But being the first is better, you don't watch other people falling off the plane and get more nervous.
Bernard said to me after the dive, "When i saw u fall off the plane [reaching his hands out to indicate despair], my heart really sank! and i was like... baby!!??"

Flying high above the clouds, the view was breathtaking. At the horizon where the sea meets the sky, we could see the curve of the globe. When we landed, shaking from excitement and adrenaline, we hugged and jumped for joy as we did it!! Words really can't express the "high" of this experience...

And climb the highest mountains...


Well i suppose Mt Ophir isn't THE highest mountain, but high enough to be challenging for sedentary city dwellers like us :)
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When Hanglu told me this quote (i think it's her own quote!), i thot... this describes our lives together pretty well.

Truly, life is not about owning the biggest mansion, driving the flashiest car, or climbing to the top of the corporate ladder. Each day to us was a collection of precious memories and experiences, that drew us closer as we learnt more about each other and ourselves.

Adding on to her quote, i would say, in life, one should always give and receive love.