Dream home updates

On my way to the airport today, i drove past our home to check out the progress.

28 Jan 07:
This was how it looked. 3rd going on 4th storey. not too bad, considering they started building maybe in the third quarter of last year.



12 May 07:
Went with kris to see; they've finished the concrete structure, all 5 storeys of it. kinda revised my estimation from end-07 to early-08.

Today, 24 Jun 07:
It looks like this!



Can it be??? wow!!! the windows are fixed!!!

i have a thing about windows. i judge the near-ness of a building's completion by the windows. when the condo opposite crystal's place had its windows fixed, i declared to her that finally, it's almost done. heh

when i saw this, the mixture of surprise and happiness almost made me tear... *blush* it's silly maybe... suddenly felt a little emotional and all. i've been looking forward so much to this, the project that keeps me going n gives me such hope and excitement... yet not without sleepness nights filled with worry and fear, times when i nearly wanted to give up everything.
the home that i dreamt of together with bernard, now i dream by myself all the time... can it be? almost within reach?

i parked the car, smiling to myself, my heart lifted... (then i realised my camera battery flat :P luckily got handphone). anyway, as i took the photos, n drove away, i thot in my heart... dear baby, it's almost completed. those times we said we'd take photos of every stage of the progress, the days we laughed in joy thinking of a lifetime of togetherness.

i'll carry on this dream. it will still be a happy home. one day, this home will always be open to family n frens. when a venue for parties, gatherings, bible studies is needed, it will be available. it makes me happy thinking that i'll be able to offer my home.


my unit is one of those in this picture :)
its abit funny how half looks almost done n the other half looks kinda... raw? hor?

Our video is up

i've finally posted the video that i made for the anniversary. had to resize it abit...

you can access it here

i would appreciate it if you'd let me know before embedding it or posting it anywhere, okie?

Bargain hunters

On the mrt to work (tryin to concentrate on my endowment management book) my mind strayed, as usual :P

Maybe abit excited abt stopping over in NY after my training in July and thinking of where to stay... suddenly remembered the hotel that bernard and i stayed in Auckland.

In NZ, we stayed at motels throughout becos it's cheaper and provides free parking (not to mention completes the whole road trip experience). Auckland was our last stop before heading home, and as a lovely surprise for me, bernard took advantage of corporate rates and made reservations at a really nice hotel.

Both of us are by nature not very extravagent in our expenditure, and bernard is a bargain hunter with a flair for negotiating (i really love that about him, that street-smartness). So, we couldn't help it...

- First, we asked if there's complimentary parking for hotel guests (No). So, where can we find the cheapest parking? (we eventually parked on the street, it's free at night, and we woke up early to move the car.)
- Then, itchy fingers me was playing around with the hotel safe and locked it before realizing that it's pay-per-use (pretty high-tech tracking system). So we went downstairs to ask them to unlock it n reverse the charges, cos we decided not to use it after all.
- While we were loitering around the lobby, we thought might as well ask (this one abit paiseh), do they provide complimentary bottled water? (No, but you can sit in the lobby where they serve iced water.) *grin* So where is the nearest hypermart? (A couple of kilometers away.) Can we walk there? (Yes)

Laughs~
btw we didn't sit in the lobby n drink free water okie... abit kua zhang!

So we strolled to the hypermart in the cool evening breeze, laughing at ourselves and enjoying each other's company. Really love supermarket shopping overseas. Bought water and groceries and cooked our own dinner (rather, bernard cooked for us) before dressing up and heading off to the Sky Casino. You can see our picture taken in the room in the side panel here.

Long after the trip, we continued to laugh at how we must have looked so cheapskate to the hotel staff!

簡單愛

I was going thru some photos, and saw this one taken during NDP 2005. It isn't much, but it struck me that i looked happy...

Of cos, i have laughed and felt happy over the past year. but the feeling that this picture captures...somehow i can't describe it... but i know i haven't felt this kind of simple happiness in a long time.

Showflat

Blogger's block

Don't really know what to write, so post some pictures of the showflat taken by Bernard n me:

Living Room



Dining



Master Bedroom



Kitchen



Bathrooms

What if it was me?

How would Bernard have handled things if it was me who died? i wonder about this all the time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bernard has had his share of trials in life, and his attitude n perserverence, despite all of it, always inspires me. Even after he's gone, he lives in my heart and continues to inspire me and carry me thru long days and dark nights.... times when i feel like giving up.

Looking forward - bernard

Something that had a strong impact on me, is the attitude that there is always something to look forward to.

During the week, he would text me everyday and wish me good morning...the weekend is near again, and this is what we'd be doing! he sounds so excited that i can't help but be lifted up as well. When i had a particularly difficult week, he counted down the hours for me towards our holiday.

Blessings - bernard

Bernard was always thankful for every small blessing. Every little thing in life, to him, can be God's little reminder that we are loved. even getting a parking lot in a crowded place. actually, he seems to be really blessed. or maybe, again, it's his wonderful attitude that just makes the world so beautiful.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(continued on 18 June 07)

Looking forward - grace

In the past, i used to be afraid to look forward to things or events, for fear of building up high expectations and getting disappointed. but now, looking forward is the only way to go on.

i'm thankful that there has been many things for me to focus on and look forward to in the past year - i looked forward very much to the US trip last year, and when i came back i looked forward to going HK. after that, i looked forward to a change of job environment. then to the end of CFA exam. and in the midst of year-end festivities there were little treats like hotel stays, spa, parties, dance workshop, movies, dinners...

The new year rolled around, and there was the taiwan trip to look forward to. work piled up quickly, i saw many frens thru their major milestones... and it was time for the greatly anticipated church camp, which was such a blessed and wonderful time. and before i know it, half the year has passed, and i am now looking forward to going to the US again. and in the midst of all these, i'm looking forward very much to the completion of my home, researching and budgetting and planning for it.

i no longer worry about being disappointed by high expectations, because i learnt that disappointment sets in when i focus on me. instead, when i focus on what i can give, i receive more joy and satisfaction.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So.... what if it was me? would he sit around and mope everyday? cry all the time? drink himself into oblivion? i think not...

I guess i wouldn't know. Great trials draw out the best and worst in all of us. at my worst, well, that's very painful to try to recall...well it's all recorded in my journal which i haven't dared to re-read. Most times i like to think of Bernard at his best instead.

From what i know of him, from his recount of the challenges in his life, i have a mental picture of his journey, if it was me. Closing my eyes, i see him going back to work after a while. He hurts, but he manages to joke as usual, to speak to his customers in that strong n assuring voice that i know so well n love dearly. He puts all his energy into work, strives to achieve the targets with fierce determination. He goes home tired, but doesn't want his family to worry about him. He spends time with his frens, but also takes long drives alone. He struggles, but he is resilient n independent. And i know for sure, he visits my family n continues to care for them.

Though i won't know if i'm right, you can say that this is all my own imagination, it's ok cos i don't want to find out...

In any case, that mental picture is what keeps me going.

Dear Lord...
why did You take bernard with You, but not me?
what were You thinking the day You left me behind...?

Of being drawn to death

One strange habit that came out of this whole ... thing ... is, i read the obituaries everytime i browse thru the ST! as well as reports of accidents. i read them all carefully, sometimes pausing, pondering, feeling...

it is as if reading them, i can somehow make some sense of what happens in this world to you and me. not just to other people. but to you and me.

normally, people browse thru the headlines. they might think, what a pity... or how sad...

now, i seem to live out in my heart n mind - lost for a moment - how the event must have unfolded. and how the survivors might be feeling then and after.

the depth of such relation comes only after one experiences death of a loved one.

the most recent was the death of this guy called Alex Lim last Sunday. this one, i felt very very deeply.
in short, what started out as a dispute over a minor car accident unfolded into a nightmare, where he struggled for his life for over a month.
a dashing young man at the prime of his life, a bright future ahead in the financial industry. his girlfriend was at the scene of the accident. she is only 24 yrs old. then i wondered... how is she taking it?

is it healthy to be so drawn to death?

The hardest thing

i looked into the mirror, and with a tinge of horror, observed that i had aged a lot over the past year.

well, not really horrified abt the aging bit (it happens...), but was suddenly struck by the painful thought that i will be growing old... without bernard.

as the days, months, years pass me by, i will only have a memory of this young man to hold dearly; i will never know how we will look like, how we might share hopes n look forward to realizing our dreams, experience trials n challenges, reminisce about the past, and how we will love each other growing old together.

One of the hardest things about losing someone is that eventually everything on the outside returns to normal, while on the inside you hardly feel the same again. A lot of people probably feel better, and think it's better for me, not to mention it. There are of cos, people who think that one gets over a death like getting over a breakup. But there are those people who acknowledge it with me, and that gives me the most comfort.

It is a lonely journey. I can't ever make sense of it. But even so, I will remember to give thanks to God for seeing me through every day, and for surrounding me with many people who care. And perhaps one day..., one day I will look back on this season of my life and give thanks to God for moulding me this way.

Till death do us apart

Because my grief seems quiet and apart,
Think not for such a reason it is less.
True sorrow makes a silence in the heart,
Joy has its friends, but grief its loneliness.
Robert Nathan

leia's journey : One year later, one year ago...

Hanglu's blog is restricted, so i'll post what she wrote about us here...

==========================================================

One year later, one year ago...

This is a little belated... in part because I don't really know what to say or how to say it...

Last Monday was 30 April.. one year ago on this date Bernard left for heaven. I wasn't in SG on Monday.. so arranged with Grace to go leave some flowers at his niche on Sat before I went to Vietnam.. It was not as emotional as the last time we went.. which was just some months after he left.. no uncontrollable sobbing, no hugs for support, no soaked through tissue papers.. but that same feeling that he's never left, that same heartache coz u can't reach out to a him in flesh and blood, that same denial that someone you knew, someone u know your best friend loves - cannot possibly be reduced to nothing but a small square box. those mixed, difficult to express feelings.. like i said about my grandma.. a year or any amount of time doesn't wipe away the memories of a lifetime or a loved one that lingers in your heart...

and one year later, i realised with some surprise and (almost) bemusement that I've probably cried more for Bernard making this early departure than I ever did for any guy who broke or hurt my heart... He made me realise how fragile life is, how easy it is to lose what's most precious to you, how we always takes things for granted without realizing it, how in life some things less tangible are so much more valuable...

And in this year, this journey I've walked alongside Grace.. In a way, I feel I'm exactly as I was before, yet again I feel what has happened has profoundly changed my life, the way I live my life and what matters to me.

[. . .]

And finally, a photo for the day... I never noticed the halos until I watched the video clip Grace made... and how appropriate - I know two that I feel are angels - and here they are:

It's not about winning, it's about finishing the race

Two years after Bernard and I ran the JPM challenge together, i finally decided to take part again. How things have changed... this year i am representing another company.

The whole time i was running, there was only one thought on my mind. Bernard was running right alongside me, and i wanted to finish the race well, like he did. And i never stopped.

My time was 35.55! hee

A precious gift

I received the most amazing gift today.

Mahesh borrowed a photo of Bernard from me middle of last year. He didn't say what it was for, only promising to return it to me sometime. I also didn't think much of it. Perhaps he was gonna blow it up and put it in a nice frame for me.

He finally returned it to me today... together with a stack of other photos.

Last year, Mahesh went to watch the World Cup semis in Germany. Sometime before that, i had told him that one of Bernard's dreams was to watch the World Cup live in the stadium.. and i had then decided that in 2010, i would surprise him with tickets for the World Cup.. wherever that will be. That was during one of my many musings, when i just rambled on and on to my frens...

Mahesh remembered. And he brought the photo of Bernard along with him to Germany. He took photos of Bernard's photo against the stadium entrance, the crowds, the fans, the teams, the banners, the tickets. And he gave those photos to me. "It was a boys night out... Bernard and I had a blast at the World Cup," he declared.

The most wonderful n precious gift that anyone could have given me... or could even have thought of... Words alone cannot describe what went thru my heart when i saw and heard all these.

It means so much to me.

(waiting for the soft copies... will post it here soon)

Thank you to those who remembered

• Thank you for your smses and prayers. Your thoughts, your words of encouragement, they really touch me... Eric, Gail, Meijun, Eileen

• Thank you for being my pillars of strength in my walk with God.. for praying n studying the bible with me, for helping me with the memoriam verses... Jo-lyn, Xiuling

• Thank you for going with me to the columbarium, for standing by me as i try to stand strong... Hanglu, Weisoon, Elaine (esp. Hanglu who makes sure i don't chicken out on life. heh)

• Thank you for being a dear fren, for checking in on me amidst ur busy schedule.. even thou suaning me rather mercilessly sometimes, u make me laugh n feel normal.. for acknowledging my pain n sitting in silence thru it with me... Mahesh

• Thank you for rallying around me, forcing me to run together every week whether i like it or not :P and simply, for normal, girly times even in days like these. n putting up with my nonsense. so glad to have u gals... Kristin, Keryn, Grace L, Crystal, Li Lian, Lydia

• Thank you for accompanying me through these couple of days, hanging out and occupying my time with relaxing n fun activities, guiding me and looking forward with me to fulfilling my dream house (n teaching me how to cook.. very impt)... Crystal

• Thank you for the card and book.. and yummy dinner last night. For being my mentor n fren.. And for all the times you listened and cared and shared, and for putting away everything to be where it mattered... Hui Joo

• Thank you for making time for dinner, for being a faithful and loving sister-in-Christ.. as i reflected upon the past year, thank you for giving me the biggest highlight - inviting me on the US trip with you... Priscilla

• Thank you for remembering... for the beautiful, beautiful flowers... for going out of your way to help, for praying with me, for being more than a boss... Amy

• Thank you for the card, with the sweetest little bear bear patches holding a "B" and "G".. for taking time to pore over our photos, for caring in your own way, for being, also, more than just a boss... Pearl

• Thank you for all the sessions.. listening, encouraging, practical advice and prayers... Tony Ting (btw i've graduated! last wednesday - the last session - marked the end of a year of counselling)

• Thank you for simply being there, quietly supporting me... my family, shu shu n shen shen n er-shen (for repairing the necklace that bernard gave me)

Seeing us thru my eyes

I spent sleepless nights making a video of us... a video that sees our lives thru my eyes.

I made it for Bernard, a gift that expresses how cherished n dear he is, and forever will be, to me...
I made it for me, to cast in stone the images, thoughts and feelings that are in my heart during this season of my journey...
And i made it for you, our frens... and i hope it touches you the way i have been touched by my angel.

In Loving Memory...

Since i can't publish the memoriam in the papers, thot i'll design one myself and publish right here instead!

With Hope

Steven Curtis Chapman
1 Thess. 4:13-14 / Heb. 6:9, 10:23

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Cry Out To Jesus

Words by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Sound of Colors

Love this song!

I thot the Korean version MV was sad enough... but this one is sadder!

Music is what feelings sound like

Why suddenly so many MVs?

haha actually one of the reasons is cos i couldn't embed them in the old template.

over time, i've stopped talking about myself and how i feel. sometimes i write here, cos people have a choice whether to read a blog or not. if you talk, they have no choice but to listen... heh. but looking back thru the posts, i'm also not very happy with how the blog has evolved. from a place recording bernard and my lives together, it became an account of my journey in a life without him.

maybe cos the 1 yr is coming soon, i've been terribly moody n withdrawn. and i've found that songs are the best expressions of feelings :) it relates without overwhelming the listener, and still retains beauty in the tune.