So, I've finally gotten down to writing this. I've been thinking about it since last Monday, I think... and when Thursday came around, I chickened out and scribbled in my journal instead. I thought about it somemore over the weekend (which incidentally was packed to the brim), and now here I am.
Thinking about what? That last Thursday was Bernard's birthday. That I haven't been blogging for the longest time (then again, I wondered why I felt like I had to account for myself). I meant to post pictures of our celebration last year - I brought him on a cruise cos he said he's not been on one. We nua-ed the whole time. We watched sunrise on the balcony. It was beautiful... The cruise was a surprise. I gave him a packing list, and fretted for the longest time how to get him to HarbourFront without him guessing... Vivocity wasn't open yet, and HarbourFront is hardly the usual place to go for a meal after work right?
Escapist
I decided I'm a procrastinator, or an escapist, or both. I escape from things that I dread doing, and I avoid thinking about them (i seem to think they'll go away if i ignore them long enough). Lately, more and more, I've been avoiding thinking about all these. And on the few occasions that I had flashbacks, cold fear gripped my heart. The impossibility of it all still overwhelms me. I hate that feeling. And I forced myself again not to think about him. Therefore, I also have not updated or even visited this blog. I didn't dare to... i dunno why.
To restore some normalcy to my life, none of my colleagues at my new company knows about this (or so I hope), except one guy whom I already knew from school. One girl told me she found me on Friendster, and I freaked out (I know. She's being friendly, I'm being paranoid). So now, my profile is restricted to very few. As is my personal life. Learning to handle questions about my singleness (there must be a reason for it, it seems) is easier than having to handle looks of sympathy (or just pity?) and sadness.
But I still wear the ring he gave me. On my right hand now, so that people won't ask awkward questions.
Oh, wait. Let me digress for a while here.
When I fill up forms, sometimes i wonder, for the marital status field, is it necessary to include a box for "widowed"? most people probably go checking off "single" or "married" without giving it much thought. But for widows/widowers/divorcees/separated, do they fall into "single", or must their status be so special as to merit a different category for them? I mean, I suppose except certain government bodies that must know this; does it really make much of a difference to the marketing/research/analytical efforts? Will it be considered discrimination?
Do we all fall neatly into boxes? (sounds so Sex & the City tag-line!)
Well, just a thought. You'd be surprised how much detail some forms get into. They might as well have boxes for "still working things out", or "it's complicated".
So, how am I? some people have been asking. I'm ok, getting along. I've accepted that it's ok to say I'm ok. For quite a long time I resented the questions: "how are you?" or "are you ok", thinking bitterly, "how ok do you think I can be??", or "what do you expect??" But of cos, I was hysterical, so pls forgive me. Now, I live each day as it comes. I try to spend lots of time with friends and family and appreciate them and love them more. But I still haven't found the ambition I used to have nor any meaning in work. I feel more and more scared that I cannot finance our house or pay his parents back, and that will really leave me with absolutely nothing to look forward to or be happy about. At least for now.
2006: Year in Review
The other night, I was thinking about 2006. I thought, 2006 was an excruciatingly painful struggle, without exaggerating. It was a rollercoaster of emotions – from fear to despair, sadness to guilt, pain to hopelessness, in no particular order, and sometimes all at once. Even so, I knew I still had to figure out what becomes of my life, and plan something, do something about it. All these cumulated into a whole lot of stress n frequent nightmares. I must say the CFA exam in Dec played its part in both keeping my mind occupied and giving me tons of stress.
But also, I realized 2006 was full of love and care from friends and family and colleagues who gave me their support in many ways. It was full of beautiful friendships that developed and grew, wonderful memories of precious time spent with them. I learnt to rejoice in the successes and happiness in my friends' lives instead of dwelling on the emptiness of my own. 2006 challenged my relationship with God. In 2006, I had grown up more and quicker than ever before (then again, I used to be really willful and took my time growing up!) And somewhere, somehow, there is a heightened awareness about life... but this is a feeling I can't quite explain yet...
Anyway, I'll post the pictures another day, perhaps.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Friday, January 12, 2007
Vacuum
I was looking thru my posts, and saw one post that was a draft. The title was "Vacuum". When I opened it, it was empty. haha... how apt. i don't remember what i had meant to write, except that it was created on 12 Jan 07.
* * *
Oh i suddenly realized when i saw the time of the post. it's past midnight. So i had meant to write about the date 11 Jan. As mentioned in one of the earlier entries, Bernard had designated 0111 as our number, and 11 Jan as our special date...
Today is actually 5 Mar. But i'll leave the posting date as it was la
* * *
Oh i suddenly realized when i saw the time of the post. it's past midnight. So i had meant to write about the date 11 Jan. As mentioned in one of the earlier entries, Bernard had designated 0111 as our number, and 11 Jan as our special date...
Today is actually 5 Mar. But i'll leave the posting date as it was la
Monday, December 25, 2006
All I want for Christmas...
Birthday presents
On saturday, i went for a massage using the voucher that bernard bought for me so many months ago for my birthday.
As i lay there, i couldn't relax and my mind was flooded with images and memories of him.
On one of his business trips to Bangkok, he went for a massage at Harnn & Thann, the luxury toiletries brand from thailand that we'd decided to use for our home in future. It was a good massage, he said, and he'd planned to bring me there.
When he came back from that trip, he bought us a lovely massage oil, and massaged me with the strokes he'd memorized. It was the best massage i ever had in my life. He told me that he'd massage me every night of our lives together, cos my back hurts a lot from a bad scoliosis condition.
And this image always comes to me... that the last night we had together, after he proposed to me, i massaged him to sleep, with the oil and the strokes he'd used on me... I'll always remember the feeling i had when i did things for him, that feeling of giving love is so magical and uplifting. I don't think i ever felt so much about giving love before i met him.
Birthday wishes
Since young, i had been "religious" about birthday wishes (it's silly i noe). I made sure i had a birthday cake every year, so that i can make a wish. (Once, i went out with my parents at past 11pm to 7-11 to buy a Sara Lee cake and ice cream cos my date didn't get a cake for me!)
And i'd never tell anyone any of my wishes. I thot if i told anyone, the wish won't come true. (Which logically follows that if i don't tell, it should come true...)
This year, i was thinking what i should wish for.
It suddenly occurred to me, that if we wish for something, we must have incorporated a degree of realism into it. In order to have some possibility that it will come true (and hence not be diappointed), we must have known that we have a certain amount of control over it.
Because, the only thing that came immediately to me that i want to wish for, is to have bernard back. Or maybe see him for just one more day... or something to that extent... But i won't be wishing for that, because the logical side of my mind tells me that it is impossible... at least for now...
So, i wished for the next dearest thing to my heart... i wish to be able to see our home through to completion, furnish it beautifully, and move into it in a year or so. I wish to live there for a while, to be truly independent. I wish for support. I wish people will stop discouraging me.
So much for birthday wishes. It is simply a resolution of sorts to make something happen, or a hope that something will happen. But a hope not out of this world, for disappointment may soon follow. Again.
Birthday celebrations
I'm sorry for being so down recently. It's quite difficult to always be in control and be happy. I cried a lot in these few days of Christmas festivities. I miss bernard so much.
But still, i'll continue to put in the effort, cos everybody has shown me so much love.
I had dinner with bernard's family on sat. My frens also kept me busy over the weekend. Hanglu went to church with me. Elaine arranged for a cosy lunch with Sherl, Fenn n Shuz. And on the night of my birthday, we had a big Christmas party at Crystal's place, with the gals and her bunch of frens. The gals surprised me with a santa rina costume, birthday cake and lots of presents. There was also surprise "guest appearances" - Pris, Eric, Lyon - who came by for a while. So happy to see all of them.
As they left, one of the gals said, "You will always have us to celebrate this day with you, remember that.." I was so touched. Thank you my dears.. for loving me.
When you receive love, you learn to give love.
On saturday, i went for a massage using the voucher that bernard bought for me so many months ago for my birthday.
As i lay there, i couldn't relax and my mind was flooded with images and memories of him.
On one of his business trips to Bangkok, he went for a massage at Harnn & Thann, the luxury toiletries brand from thailand that we'd decided to use for our home in future. It was a good massage, he said, and he'd planned to bring me there.
When he came back from that trip, he bought us a lovely massage oil, and massaged me with the strokes he'd memorized. It was the best massage i ever had in my life. He told me that he'd massage me every night of our lives together, cos my back hurts a lot from a bad scoliosis condition.
And this image always comes to me... that the last night we had together, after he proposed to me, i massaged him to sleep, with the oil and the strokes he'd used on me... I'll always remember the feeling i had when i did things for him, that feeling of giving love is so magical and uplifting. I don't think i ever felt so much about giving love before i met him.
Birthday wishes
Since young, i had been "religious" about birthday wishes (it's silly i noe). I made sure i had a birthday cake every year, so that i can make a wish. (Once, i went out with my parents at past 11pm to 7-11 to buy a Sara Lee cake and ice cream cos my date didn't get a cake for me!)
And i'd never tell anyone any of my wishes. I thot if i told anyone, the wish won't come true. (Which logically follows that if i don't tell, it should come true...)
This year, i was thinking what i should wish for.
It suddenly occurred to me, that if we wish for something, we must have incorporated a degree of realism into it. In order to have some possibility that it will come true (and hence not be diappointed), we must have known that we have a certain amount of control over it.
Because, the only thing that came immediately to me that i want to wish for, is to have bernard back. Or maybe see him for just one more day... or something to that extent... But i won't be wishing for that, because the logical side of my mind tells me that it is impossible... at least for now...
So, i wished for the next dearest thing to my heart... i wish to be able to see our home through to completion, furnish it beautifully, and move into it in a year or so. I wish to live there for a while, to be truly independent. I wish for support. I wish people will stop discouraging me.
So much for birthday wishes. It is simply a resolution of sorts to make something happen, or a hope that something will happen. But a hope not out of this world, for disappointment may soon follow. Again.
Birthday celebrations
I'm sorry for being so down recently. It's quite difficult to always be in control and be happy. I cried a lot in these few days of Christmas festivities. I miss bernard so much.
But still, i'll continue to put in the effort, cos everybody has shown me so much love.
I had dinner with bernard's family on sat. My frens also kept me busy over the weekend. Hanglu went to church with me. Elaine arranged for a cosy lunch with Sherl, Fenn n Shuz. And on the night of my birthday, we had a big Christmas party at Crystal's place, with the gals and her bunch of frens. The gals surprised me with a santa rina costume, birthday cake and lots of presents. There was also surprise "guest appearances" - Pris, Eric, Lyon - who came by for a while. So happy to see all of them.
As they left, one of the gals said, "You will always have us to celebrate this day with you, remember that.." I was so touched. Thank you my dears.. for loving me.
When you receive love, you learn to give love.
Monday, December 18, 2006
This season
It's been a long time since i wrote in this blog.
For the past couple of months, i've been focusing all my time and energy into my new job, and the CFA exam.
Now, the exam is over, and i'm quite settled in my job... and the dreaded season of birthday/Christmas/New Year is coming.
The counsellor said, that festive occasions are the most trying times for a person going through bereavement. And as he said that, all the pent-up sadness, frustration, loneliness and stress that i've been controlling for the past few months just overwhelmed me, and i broke down and cried bitterly. It hasn't been easy. When i tried to study, images of the accident would flash into my mind. The familiar crushing sense of fear and loss would come back. And i'd make myself picture bernard right there beside me, encouraging me to continue on.
As I did my Christmas shopping, everywhere in town is so beautifully decked out in gold and glitter... everybody is in high spirits... "Love is in the air", the banners proclaim. This time of the year is the most fun we all have. It's holiday time, we get to dress up, work less, and spend more time with our loved ones. I go out for movies, dinners and parties, celebrate weddings and birthdays, laugh and joke with frens. But no matter how i surround myself with people, only God knows what this lonely journey is like for me.
While trying to decide on a date for dinner with a bunch of galfrens, one fren winked at me and said, "well, i suppose 24th is out since it's ur birthday and you must have special plans already!" Truth is, i didn't have any plans. In fact, i was painfully reminded that bernard is no longer here with me this Christmas.
I just watched The Holiday, and honestly, i can't feel a thing. I'm a romantic. Shows like Love Actually used to make me cry. But i'm just not sure why i don't get it anymore. The only shows that i cry to nowadays are those where someone is lost.
Ironically, this season of pain is also the season we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour. I can only hold on to the hope that Heaven is decked out more majestically than we can ever imagine, and everyday is full of love, joy and peace. And my bernard is just right there, singing songs of praise and worship everyday.
For the past couple of months, i've been focusing all my time and energy into my new job, and the CFA exam.
Now, the exam is over, and i'm quite settled in my job... and the dreaded season of birthday/Christmas/New Year is coming.
The counsellor said, that festive occasions are the most trying times for a person going through bereavement. And as he said that, all the pent-up sadness, frustration, loneliness and stress that i've been controlling for the past few months just overwhelmed me, and i broke down and cried bitterly. It hasn't been easy. When i tried to study, images of the accident would flash into my mind. The familiar crushing sense of fear and loss would come back. And i'd make myself picture bernard right there beside me, encouraging me to continue on.
As I did my Christmas shopping, everywhere in town is so beautifully decked out in gold and glitter... everybody is in high spirits... "Love is in the air", the banners proclaim. This time of the year is the most fun we all have. It's holiday time, we get to dress up, work less, and spend more time with our loved ones. I go out for movies, dinners and parties, celebrate weddings and birthdays, laugh and joke with frens. But no matter how i surround myself with people, only God knows what this lonely journey is like for me.
While trying to decide on a date for dinner with a bunch of galfrens, one fren winked at me and said, "well, i suppose 24th is out since it's ur birthday and you must have special plans already!" Truth is, i didn't have any plans. In fact, i was painfully reminded that bernard is no longer here with me this Christmas.
I just watched The Holiday, and honestly, i can't feel a thing. I'm a romantic. Shows like Love Actually used to make me cry. But i'm just not sure why i don't get it anymore. The only shows that i cry to nowadays are those where someone is lost.
Ironically, this season of pain is also the season we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour. I can only hold on to the hope that Heaven is decked out more majestically than we can ever imagine, and everyday is full of love, joy and peace. And my bernard is just right there, singing songs of praise and worship everyday.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
A breath away’s not far.. To where you are
.JPG)
Click on the picture to watch the MV on YouTube
(Ally McBeal version)
To Where You Are - Josh Groban
Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be?
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
’cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
.JPG)
Friday, October 20, 2006
Sharing lives... random thots (part 2)
Oh yes. Another thot i had last night (yes i think a lot, but always too tired/lazy to get up n write down or blog it)
I was just thinking of this blog...
At first my grand plan was to share our lives and photos with the rest of the world.. well not really the world.. but i suppose with all our frens. Sort of like reaching out to people and stuff like that maybe help people recover by seeing more of this personal side of his life.
Over time, i realized... that this blog is actually for myself. It is for me to help myself recover, to reach out to me, deep deep inside where it is bittersweet.
Borrow from hanglu's blog... this song is very touching...
Melodies of Life from Final Fantasy IX.
(Lyrics in the english version of the song)
Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life--love's lost refrain
Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name
A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond
So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings
In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?
If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember
I was just thinking of this blog...
At first my grand plan was to share our lives and photos with the rest of the world.. well not really the world.. but i suppose with all our frens. Sort of like reaching out to people and stuff like that maybe help people recover by seeing more of this personal side of his life.
Over time, i realized... that this blog is actually for myself. It is for me to help myself recover, to reach out to me, deep deep inside where it is bittersweet.
Borrow from hanglu's blog... this song is very touching...
Melodies of Life from Final Fantasy IX.
(Lyrics in the english version of the song)
Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life--love's lost refrain
Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name
A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond
So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings
In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?
If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember
Sharing lives... random thots
Last night, the last thought i had before falling asleep was that i'm willing to exchange as many years of my life as it takes for his... if only we can spend the rest of our lives together... i'll give him half of mine. Not more also, cos i don't want to die before him and he'll be heartbroken.
Just a random thot...
Just a random thot...
Monday, October 02, 2006
Portrait of a happy family
Happy first wedding anniversary to Raymond and Xianghe on 2 Oct...
Oct 2005 was an exciting month for Bernard's family and for us as well. In Oct 05, Er-ge got married, Da-ge and Da-sao had their lovely bundle of joy - Audrey, and we went on the adventure of our lifetime to New Zealand. Later on i learnt, that it was also in Oct 05 that he'd placed the order for our engagement ring.
Bernard is very much a family man, and nothing made him happier than to see so many good things happening at home. I was also very happy to share in his joy and be part of his world. To be there in the morning for the tea ceremony, and to sit together at the family table during the wedding banquet, meant a lot to me.
Oct 2005 was an exciting month for Bernard's family and for us as well. In Oct 05, Er-ge got married, Da-ge and Da-sao had their lovely bundle of joy - Audrey, and we went on the adventure of our lifetime to New Zealand. Later on i learnt, that it was also in Oct 05 that he'd placed the order for our engagement ring.
Bernard is very much a family man, and nothing made him happier than to see so many good things happening at home. I was also very happy to share in his joy and be part of his world. To be there in the morning for the tea ceremony, and to sit together at the family table during the wedding banquet, meant a lot to me.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
To my darling, thank you for loving me
Dear baby,
I have written to you in my personal journals almost everyday for the past few months. I will share today's entry here.
Today, I just want to say, thank you for loving me.
Thank you for caring for me, for entrusting your heart to me, for opening up your life and bringing out the best in me.
True love is the unconditional giving of oneself. Thank you for teaching me that.
On the 1st of every month, i feel a tinge of sadness. As Crystal was sending me home last night, i thot, 5 months have passed... My frens have lovingly taken over the "task" of caring for me. I miss you everyday, and i wonder, are you watching over all of us from heaven? I wonder everyday what heaven is like for you. I know you are still loving me from where you are. You don't have to worry about me, cos you know that God will provide for my every need, as i continue on my journey here before we meet again in heaven.
Yesterday, Elaine and i were supposed to go blading, but it rained heavily. I was secretly relieved. Because you taught me how to blade, and i am still not confident enough to blade without holding on to your hand. The feeling of my hand in yours as we glided along East Coast Park was the most comforting feeling. But i know, i can't be such a wuss forever. So at night, i decided to join some of our frens for mahjong. It was the first time i played, after the last time when you sat with me and taught me to play. I have improved abit, you know? It is a small step, a part of picking myself up and learning to do everything by myself, those things that you used to do for me and with me.
I was looking thru the posts in the blog. Most of the blog was a record of all the activities that we had done together. But that was not all there was to our relationship, for we also learnt the value of just being together.
We started off doing something great, something fascinating every weekend. We went fishing, blading, suntanning, the list goes on. But over time, we came to realize that great times exist in quiet moments too. We then started enjoying time together at home, whether cosying up to a good movie, or with a cup of hot cocoa and a good book. Or even feasting on takeaway (my fave ngor hiang from boon lay) and watching Liverpool matches. During the New Year countdown at Sentosa, we stayed away from all the revelry, and spent the 4 hours or so just sitting on the beach enjoying each other's presence, reflecting and talking quietly. We smiled at each other a lot, we enjoyed those perfect moments.
Thank you for all our beautiful memories.
Love, grace
I have written to you in my personal journals almost everyday for the past few months. I will share today's entry here.
Today, I just want to say, thank you for loving me.
Thank you for caring for me, for entrusting your heart to me, for opening up your life and bringing out the best in me.
True love is the unconditional giving of oneself. Thank you for teaching me that.
On the 1st of every month, i feel a tinge of sadness. As Crystal was sending me home last night, i thot, 5 months have passed... My frens have lovingly taken over the "task" of caring for me. I miss you everyday, and i wonder, are you watching over all of us from heaven? I wonder everyday what heaven is like for you. I know you are still loving me from where you are. You don't have to worry about me, cos you know that God will provide for my every need, as i continue on my journey here before we meet again in heaven.
Yesterday, Elaine and i were supposed to go blading, but it rained heavily. I was secretly relieved. Because you taught me how to blade, and i am still not confident enough to blade without holding on to your hand. The feeling of my hand in yours as we glided along East Coast Park was the most comforting feeling. But i know, i can't be such a wuss forever. So at night, i decided to join some of our frens for mahjong. It was the first time i played, after the last time when you sat with me and taught me to play. I have improved abit, you know? It is a small step, a part of picking myself up and learning to do everything by myself, those things that you used to do for me and with me.
I was looking thru the posts in the blog. Most of the blog was a record of all the activities that we had done together. But that was not all there was to our relationship, for we also learnt the value of just being together.
We started off doing something great, something fascinating every weekend. We went fishing, blading, suntanning, the list goes on. But over time, we came to realize that great times exist in quiet moments too. We then started enjoying time together at home, whether cosying up to a good movie, or with a cup of hot cocoa and a good book. Or even feasting on takeaway (my fave ngor hiang from boon lay) and watching Liverpool matches. During the New Year countdown at Sentosa, we stayed away from all the revelry, and spent the 4 hours or so just sitting on the beach enjoying each other's presence, reflecting and talking quietly. We smiled at each other a lot, we enjoyed those perfect moments.
Thank you for all our beautiful memories.
Love, grace
Thursday, September 28, 2006
A Photo Journey thru 2006
The new 2007 calendars are out in Borders. How time flies...
Late last year, i was searching for the perfect calendar for my work desk. A doggie one? a french-word-a-day one? an island resort one? travel destinations? cartoons? I am a perfectionist. All those that i saw were just not it. They weren't special enough.
Bernard knew that i was looking for a nice calendar. One day, we were out shopping along Orchard Road. I wanted to go into Borders (again) to check out the 2006 calendars. He seemed disinterested, and complained that he was tired. He suggested that we go home and rest, and buy the calendars another day. I was so disappointed.
Later on, when we were having dinner on my birthday, he placed a calendar on the restaurant table and waited (quite long, as i said, i'm very blur) for me to notice it. When i finally picked it up and examined it, i realized that he'd taken the beautiful scenery shots of our New Zealand holiday and made them into a calendar for me! I was so touched... it is the perfect calendar.
He reminded me of that day he didn't want to go into Borders with me. Telling me he was tired was just an excuse for preventing me from buying a calendar, cos he already planned to make that one for me. He told me that seeing me look so disappointed upset him a lot, "you know me, i would never be like that. i'll always have something planned for you.."
There was even a meaning for the photos he chose for each month.
Late last year, i was searching for the perfect calendar for my work desk. A doggie one? a french-word-a-day one? an island resort one? travel destinations? cartoons? I am a perfectionist. All those that i saw were just not it. They weren't special enough.
Bernard knew that i was looking for a nice calendar. One day, we were out shopping along Orchard Road. I wanted to go into Borders (again) to check out the 2006 calendars. He seemed disinterested, and complained that he was tired. He suggested that we go home and rest, and buy the calendars another day. I was so disappointed.
Later on, when we were having dinner on my birthday, he placed a calendar on the restaurant table and waited (quite long, as i said, i'm very blur) for me to notice it. When i finally picked it up and examined it, i realized that he'd taken the beautiful scenery shots of our New Zealand holiday and made them into a calendar for me! I was so touched... it is the perfect calendar.
He reminded me of that day he didn't want to go into Borders with me. Telling me he was tired was just an excuse for preventing me from buying a calendar, cos he already planned to make that one for me. He told me that seeing me look so disappointed upset him a lot, "you know me, i would never be like that. i'll always have something planned for you.."
There was even a meaning for the photos he chose for each month.
This picture taken during our hot-air balloon ride represented "a new beginning"
He meant for this to be like an oasis in the middle of the year... when i flipped to it in May, it reminded me that he had gone to paradise...
To me, this picture seemed so apt, that i was taking off into the unknown...We waited very long to capture this moment! He didn't want to make me wait, but i wanted to, cos i knew he loved to take such artistic shots.
A lovely sunset for the end of the year, he said.Last year, he had used this photo to make postcards for his colleagues during Christmas. That was really sweet, wasn't it?
A calendar full of love to accompany me as i journey thru 2006, the year that changed my life.
In Dec 2005, he sent me a bouquet of flowers at work, for a beautiful 2006 ahead.....
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I love you for who you are...
Today is my last day in Citi. How did it come to this?
I think i had done well, and had planned to develop my career there. Bernard and i had discussed our career plans, and he always encouraged me thru all the tough times at work, telling me how proud he was of me, and keeping me driven yet sane.
It was very sad to be really leaving. Perhaps because it is my first job, or 'cos i made so many dear frens there... or perhaps cos that's where i met Bernard.
A picture of us taken during Dinner & Dance 2005
Having dinner after work
I was writing thank you notes last night, and i thot, how abt putting in some nice quotes that i like? I have a little Muji notebook where i jotted down a few of my fave quotes. I randomly flipped to the middle of the notebook, where it was still blank, and saw a note written by Bernard.
He wrote,
"I love you for who you were, who you are... and who you will be.... love, Bernard"
And i wrote below,
"I love you not only for who you are, but who i am when i am with you.... love, Grace"
I was stunned.
Cos i'd forgotten that it's there, and even when we wrote it. It was the most indescribable bitter-sweet feeling.
I think i had done well, and had planned to develop my career there. Bernard and i had discussed our career plans, and he always encouraged me thru all the tough times at work, telling me how proud he was of me, and keeping me driven yet sane.
It was very sad to be really leaving. Perhaps because it is my first job, or 'cos i made so many dear frens there... or perhaps cos that's where i met Bernard.
A picture of us taken during Dinner & Dance 2005
Having dinner after work
I was writing thank you notes last night, and i thot, how abt putting in some nice quotes that i like? I have a little Muji notebook where i jotted down a few of my fave quotes. I randomly flipped to the middle of the notebook, where it was still blank, and saw a note written by Bernard.
He wrote,
"I love you for who you were, who you are... and who you will be.... love, Bernard"
And i wrote below,
"I love you not only for who you are, but who i am when i am with you.... love, Grace"
I was stunned.
Cos i'd forgotten that it's there, and even when we wrote it. It was the most indescribable bitter-sweet feeling.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Teeing Off
"At some point, she would have to finish her round without me"
- Chasing Daylight, Gene O'Kelly
This is the first sport we learnt together, without realizing at first.
We both took up the corporate offer for elementary lessons at Marina South. His classes were on Mondays, mine on Thursdays.
One day, i found some excuse to attend his class, in anticipation that i'd be missing mine ;) He had learnt some basics before, so he came over to coach me personally. A bit shy, cos there were other colleagues around...
In the following weeks, he'd fetch me from my classes, and i'd fetch him from his, and we'd go for supper. The time spent together was never enough, and we'd linger on in the car park outside his/my home and chat for ages before parting.
We loved checking out golf stuff, especially clothes (we're both rather hiao~) He loves the dri-fit, turtleneck-type of t-shirts. We even bought matching tees and sunshades... hee...
Golf is a sport that requires much practice. I borrowed from several frens to practise, and to take the PC test. It is difficult to practise and be consistent without your own clubs. Knowing that i'm not comfortable forking out such a big sum of money for a set of clubs (he's generous with me, but it's not something i'd allow him to buy for me), he brought me shopping, bought me a new set of golf clubs, and told me to pay him back in instalments and to take as long as i need. I was very touched, cos that to me is a form of commitment...
Golf is a sport that we spent time encouraging each other to improve on. We'd watch each other's strokes, and help to correct each other. He also taught me (according to one of his customers), that one way to keep those jutting elbows in was to tuck a towel under the arm and not allow it to drop during the swing.
It is through learning golf with Bernard that i learnt the value of compliments. He compliments me all the time, proudly saying "nice shot!" whenever i manage a decent enough swing. When i missed, he'd smile at me and encourage me to continue, and assure me that it's ok (i'm a perfectionist). From that, i realized how powerful simple praise can be, and learnt to always compliment. From simply looking good in a new shirt to exceeding sales targets at work, i would tell him so, and remind him how proud i am of him - a filial son, loving brother, caring fren, and gentle lover.
This is one of the most important lessons he taught me - How to love, and show love.
Because You Loved Me
To my baby...
Last night when i cried, and missed you so painfully, i heard this well-loved song over the radio...
I want to dedicate it to you...
-------------------------------------------------------
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through, through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
Last night when i cried, and missed you so painfully, i heard this well-loved song over the radio...
I want to dedicate it to you...
-------------------------------------------------------
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through, through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Love, Me...
If you get there before I do,
don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down,
darling wait and see.
And between now and then,
till I see you again,
I'll be loving you.
Love, me.
don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down,
darling wait and see.
And between now and then,
till I see you again,
I'll be loving you.
Love, me.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
If Tomorrow Never Comes...
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
-- If Tomorrow Never Comes, Ronan Keating
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
-- If Tomorrow Never Comes, Ronan Keating
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Conquering Mt Ophir
We went to climb Mt Ophir last year (9 to 11 Sep 05). It was a large group of about 20, half of us were colleagues, the other half were frens outside work. It was such a fun time...
I was wearing a cap with "Think about it"
and his T-shirt said "Just do it!"
Wat a coincidence! It reflects both our natures pretty well :)
Like i said in one of the posts, i suppose Ophir was challenging enough for sendetary city folks like us. It was a steep climb with many boulders and rock surfaces to scale. Being young and ambitious, we all refused to use the "commercialized" ladders placed to help climbers, rather, we all used ropes to pull ourselves up. It must be peer pressure or pride, or both!
After a bit of hard work, we reached a refreshing waterfall. All of us happily waded in to splash around. It was so cold, and groups of us gals would hold hands and wade gingerly towards the plunge pool... and when we were right under the waterfall, we'd scream in unison and giggle... then we'd rush away... and then repeat this a few times :) Water massage is rather nice actually. Bernard sneaked up behind me and carried me, screaming and kicking, over to the fall and placed me squarely under the cold gush of water.
So naughty, so like him to do that :)
When we were climbing, he was always behind me, his arms outstretched to protect me and catch me if i fall. He encouraged me, always smiling, always cheerful. And of cos, always taking photos!
There was one time, he stayed behind to help someone who was having cramps, while the rest of us went ahead. We waited for them at one of the rest points, and they took very long. At that time, i started to feel fear creeping into my heart... it's a scary feeling, I was so worried for him.. The rush of relief when he finally appeared was so overwhelming that i didn't know whether to laugh or cry or be angry with him. They took so long because they stopped frequently to rest. Anyway, I'm proud of him that he stayed with the guy all the way, even massaging his leg to relieve the cramps and patiently helping him along.
Finally, we reached the summit!
Beautiful sunset
The night, we took a walk around the campsite, while the rest of the group debated over what game to play. It was pitch dark, but as we walked near some trees, we saw a firefly! Believe it or not, it was the first time i saw a firefly, at least as far as i can remember. He managed to catch it in his palm for me. Such a fragile and beautiful creature!
Later on, as we gazed at the blanket of glittering stars, i leaned against him as he held me from behind. Then, he let go of me for a while, and told me he'd caught another firefly. Urging me to switch on my torch, he wanted me to shine the light on his palm and look closely. (It didn't occur to me at that point that a firefly has light of its own, so why the torch??)
He opened up his cupped hands to reveal a most beautiful, sparkling ring.
It was a very private, romantic moment. Our hearts were secretly joyous as we rejoined the group and played Polar Bear.
Btw, it's a game that is potentially damaging to friendships! We had people looking at each other in the eye and claiming that they would never lie to them (which of cos was not true).
The next morning, rise and shine...
I was wearing a cap with "Think about it"
and his T-shirt said "Just do it!"
Wat a coincidence! It reflects both our natures pretty well :)
Like i said in one of the posts, i suppose Ophir was challenging enough for sendetary city folks like us. It was a steep climb with many boulders and rock surfaces to scale. Being young and ambitious, we all refused to use the "commercialized" ladders placed to help climbers, rather, we all used ropes to pull ourselves up. It must be peer pressure or pride, or both!
After a bit of hard work, we reached a refreshing waterfall. All of us happily waded in to splash around. It was so cold, and groups of us gals would hold hands and wade gingerly towards the plunge pool... and when we were right under the waterfall, we'd scream in unison and giggle... then we'd rush away... and then repeat this a few times :) Water massage is rather nice actually. Bernard sneaked up behind me and carried me, screaming and kicking, over to the fall and placed me squarely under the cold gush of water.
So naughty, so like him to do that :)
When we were climbing, he was always behind me, his arms outstretched to protect me and catch me if i fall. He encouraged me, always smiling, always cheerful. And of cos, always taking photos!
There was one time, he stayed behind to help someone who was having cramps, while the rest of us went ahead. We waited for them at one of the rest points, and they took very long. At that time, i started to feel fear creeping into my heart... it's a scary feeling, I was so worried for him.. The rush of relief when he finally appeared was so overwhelming that i didn't know whether to laugh or cry or be angry with him. They took so long because they stopped frequently to rest. Anyway, I'm proud of him that he stayed with the guy all the way, even massaging his leg to relieve the cramps and patiently helping him along.
Beautiful sunset
The night, we took a walk around the campsite, while the rest of the group debated over what game to play. It was pitch dark, but as we walked near some trees, we saw a firefly! Believe it or not, it was the first time i saw a firefly, at least as far as i can remember. He managed to catch it in his palm for me. Such a fragile and beautiful creature!
Later on, as we gazed at the blanket of glittering stars, i leaned against him as he held me from behind. Then, he let go of me for a while, and told me he'd caught another firefly. Urging me to switch on my torch, he wanted me to shine the light on his palm and look closely. (It didn't occur to me at that point that a firefly has light of its own, so why the torch??)
He opened up his cupped hands to reveal a most beautiful, sparkling ring.
It was a very private, romantic moment. Our hearts were secretly joyous as we rejoined the group and played Polar Bear.
Btw, it's a game that is potentially damaging to friendships! We had people looking at each other in the eye and claiming that they would never lie to them (which of cos was not true).
Friday, August 04, 2006
My personal trainer
When we were just getting to know each other over short but frequent emails (it perks up a boring/tiring work day!), he found out that i went to Cali using credit card perks. He went to Planet. Then he tried to convince me that Planet is better, and that i shud just try it (he supposed he could bring me, of cos, if i was interested :)
One day, when we were standing around waiting for someone in the office lobby, we discussed gym memberships again. I told him why go Planet when i can go to Cali for free and get essentially the same thing? He replied, "Well at Planet there's me..." My heart skipped a beat as i turned to look at him, with his easy grin :)
Later on, before i went with him to Planet, i was slightly nervous and conscious, so i went to buy myself a new set of nike gear..
From then on, i signed up as well, and we worked out together regularly. He was a PTI in army, so he naturally became my personal trainer. I would look at him quizzically as he taught me how to use the machines and weights. When i'm done, i'll look at him, pleased with myself, as he insisted "2 more sets". I'd bargain with him to decrease the weights or number of crunches per set.. and i'll whine a bit, look pathetic, etc... that's what u can do when ur presonal trainer is ur boyfriend :)
But while he'd entertain my efforts for a while, he still lovingly but firmly encouraged me to persevere, by alternating each set with me as i try to match him.
The gym was also a place we could go for a quick shower after blading, or an early morning run, without having to go home. That meant we could continue with our day while it was still early, and spend more time doing more stuff together.
We were looking forward to the opening of the Marine Parade outlet... for that will be closer to our future home...
One day, when we were standing around waiting for someone in the office lobby, we discussed gym memberships again. I told him why go Planet when i can go to Cali for free and get essentially the same thing? He replied, "Well at Planet there's me..." My heart skipped a beat as i turned to look at him, with his easy grin :)
Later on, before i went with him to Planet, i was slightly nervous and conscious, so i went to buy myself a new set of nike gear..
From then on, i signed up as well, and we worked out together regularly. He was a PTI in army, so he naturally became my personal trainer. I would look at him quizzically as he taught me how to use the machines and weights. When i'm done, i'll look at him, pleased with myself, as he insisted "2 more sets". I'd bargain with him to decrease the weights or number of crunches per set.. and i'll whine a bit, look pathetic, etc... that's what u can do when ur presonal trainer is ur boyfriend :)
But while he'd entertain my efforts for a while, he still lovingly but firmly encouraged me to persevere, by alternating each set with me as i try to match him.
The gym was also a place we could go for a quick shower after blading, or an early morning run, without having to go home. That meant we could continue with our day while it was still early, and spend more time doing more stuff together.
We were looking forward to the opening of the Marine Parade outlet... for that will be closer to our future home...
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
What a Onederful World
We have a dream home...
This is the only photo i have of him in the showflat.
It was July 05, when he suggested for the first time to see a showflat... Over the next few months, we visited many condo showflats, went to the HDB hub, checked out interior designers, and discussed at length our fave styles. It was a fun and exciting time.
In Dec 05, we came to one small condo development that we were fairly interested in. We talked about it seriously, worked out our finances, and tried to convince ourselves that this could be the one. However, there was just something missing...
The agent let slip that there was another development in the area that was coming up, which was directly competing with this development and resulted in slow sales. He also mentioned the name of this new condo.
Bernard went to google the name, and finally found its address. We went to take a look.
The property was not launched yet, but sales was going strong. The saying, you'll know it's the right one when you see it, holds true! We both fell in love with the property, however, there weren't many units left, and not one seemed to satisfy both of us. As we drove off, i scrutinized the floorplans again, and saw one that we missed earlier that fulfilled both our "requirements"! We turned back excitedly and inquired about the unit, which was still available. A lot happened along the way, but in short, we came back to place the cheque for it on the same day.
It was an exhilarating moment. We amazed ourselves with making possibly our biggest purchase in the shortest time. But never had we felt so sure :)
Our dream home... It was the highlight of our conversations, as we dreamt about how it will look like, as we discussed and compromised on how we'd like the place to be done up. Being both idealistic, visual and romantic people, we agreed that interior design is important, and the home is not just a place to sleep, but it will be a lifestyle in itself. Even though the TOP is some years away, we went to check out home expos, websites, and furniture stores. For a young couple, this is a big step into an exciting unknown, a precious experience only shared by us. It was part of growing up together. Buying a second property will never feel like this again. Through budgeting together, we had silently agreed to work together towards a common goal, a shared dream.
Our unit number is #01-11. After we bought the place, we went to bid for the car plate number 111. On Jan 11, 06, he smsed me "Baby today is 0111! Its a really special number to us! It represents "Its onederful love!""
This is our dream. Now, it has become my dream... I want to work towards this dream, the only remaining dream that keeps me motivated and going. I dream to be able to move out and live in it one day. I want to do it up the way we envisioned it. I want to hold house parties like we said we would. I might keep a dog, maybe a welsh corgi or a sheltie, which we both liked. I like the location, the layout, the finishings, and i might never find another one like this...
This is the only photo i have of him in the showflat.
It was July 05, when he suggested for the first time to see a showflat... Over the next few months, we visited many condo showflats, went to the HDB hub, checked out interior designers, and discussed at length our fave styles. It was a fun and exciting time.
In Dec 05, we came to one small condo development that we were fairly interested in. We talked about it seriously, worked out our finances, and tried to convince ourselves that this could be the one. However, there was just something missing...
The agent let slip that there was another development in the area that was coming up, which was directly competing with this development and resulted in slow sales. He also mentioned the name of this new condo.
Bernard went to google the name, and finally found its address. We went to take a look.
The property was not launched yet, but sales was going strong. The saying, you'll know it's the right one when you see it, holds true! We both fell in love with the property, however, there weren't many units left, and not one seemed to satisfy both of us. As we drove off, i scrutinized the floorplans again, and saw one that we missed earlier that fulfilled both our "requirements"! We turned back excitedly and inquired about the unit, which was still available. A lot happened along the way, but in short, we came back to place the cheque for it on the same day.
It was an exhilarating moment. We amazed ourselves with making possibly our biggest purchase in the shortest time. But never had we felt so sure :)
Our dream home... It was the highlight of our conversations, as we dreamt about how it will look like, as we discussed and compromised on how we'd like the place to be done up. Being both idealistic, visual and romantic people, we agreed that interior design is important, and the home is not just a place to sleep, but it will be a lifestyle in itself. Even though the TOP is some years away, we went to check out home expos, websites, and furniture stores. For a young couple, this is a big step into an exciting unknown, a precious experience only shared by us. It was part of growing up together. Buying a second property will never feel like this again. Through budgeting together, we had silently agreed to work together towards a common goal, a shared dream.
Our unit number is #01-11. After we bought the place, we went to bid for the car plate number 111. On Jan 11, 06, he smsed me "Baby today is 0111! Its a really special number to us! It represents "Its onederful love!""
This is our dream. Now, it has become my dream... I want to work towards this dream, the only remaining dream that keeps me motivated and going. I dream to be able to move out and live in it one day. I want to do it up the way we envisioned it. I want to hold house parties like we said we would. I might keep a dog, maybe a welsh corgi or a sheltie, which we both liked. I like the location, the layout, the finishings, and i might never find another one like this...
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