When I think of Bernard, sometimes I wonder, if i dun write it down somewhere, or tell it to someone, does it make everything less real?
And so, sometimes i tell my closest frens. Sometimes I write it in my blog or personal journal. Most times I just bury it in my heart. Actually at all times I shd just tell it to God. I think i get slightly confused trying to reconcile treasuring the memories of Bernard and telling myself it's okie to let go...between the times when I laugh so happily with someone else and times when I feel guilty coz it seemed like I was seeking refuge in those beautiful perfect memories.. and then on top of it all, assuring people around me that yes I'm well and am moving along..
I think I have enough room in my heart to love someone new, wholeheartedly, yet continue to love bernard in another way. I'm not sure how to explain that.
My heart still skips a beat when I smell a familiar perfume, when I glimpse someone who bears a resemblance to him, when i hear a particular song, when pictures of places we've been to catches my eye.
I'm still terrified of water. I still can't bear to watch scenes of struggling/drowning on tv. And it still hurts sometimes. remembering the immediate aftermath.
God has used time and frens to dull the pain, and helped me grow a whole lot thru these years. He has also drawn me closer to Him.
4 years on, so much has changed. I feel so much older too.
But the fact that he is still so much a part of me and my memories will not change...he is no less real than before.
I guess stepping into another season of life doesn't discount the importance and beauty of seasons past.
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"Baby i know u r sleeping now... Just sending a little love your way to remind u that your angel is watching over you..."
~~ 8 Jun 05 ~~
"Baby i love u deeply and will be waiting for you. Sweet dreams and sleep tight :)"
~~ 31 Aug 05 ~~
This blog is dedicated to the memory of Bernard & Grace. To the life and the love they shared, the hopes and dreams they had...
~~ 8 Jun 05 ~~
~~ 31 Aug 05 ~~
How we met...
We met thru a company event in March 05. I was organizing a singing competition, he took part in (and won) the "Celebrity Look-Alike" segment. Around the same time, he took also took part in the JPMorgan Corporate Challenge, and i was helping our company organize weekly physical training sessions every Saturday morning.
He asked me out for breakfast on the morning of our first training session (and got my number in the process :), and that evening, we went out on our first date at Altivo...
Throughout the training sessions and during the actual run, he (being the ex-PTI!) was constantly running beside me, encouraging me and cheering me on. Even when i had stitches and told him to go ahead, he stayed by my side, all the way to the finish line.
Within a week of our first date, we went to Sentosa to suntan, and shared with each other our lives and experiences. We felt so comfortable with each other, everything felt so right, that in our hearts we each knew that we were starting to build a strong foundation for our relationship from then on. We felt like we'd known each other forever, that all our lives, everything happened to lead us to this point.
~ coping with loss ~
:: Thots of us ::
8 comments:
exactly my dear :) *big hugs*
Thanks for checking back on e blog...even tho I hvnt written in 7-8mths! I knew u'd remember :)
Dear, you know that you'll have us... We will ALWAYS be there for you... =)
I remembered too. I think being able to move on is good, even as Bernard continues to occupy a special place in your heart.
it was a pleasant surprise to see a new entry when i clicked on this bookmark for memories' sake.
honestly speaking, i was kind of upset when you have seemed to move on. maybe it's because i don't want you to forget bernard. the love that you and him shared really touched my heart.
but after 4 years, i'm sincerely glad that you've moved on and found enough room to love someone new.
we all know, including bernard, that he will always have a special place in your heart, that he made you who you are today.
so be happy... :)
-the same anonymous as previous entry.
hey , hi. i lost my boyfriend too and i happened to chance onto your blog. it really touched me and the things that you've gone through is exactly the same things that i'm going through now.
however , i've got some enquiries and i hope to know. it's okay if you don't want to answer some of it. and i'm sorry if i've upset you by asking those questions. but may i know....
-how did you lost bernard?
-you really took 4 years to really move on?
-does your current boyfriend know about bern and is he willing to accept?
-are you still in contact with bern's family?
it's okay if you don't wish to reply also. i can understand. :) hope you're doing well now.
Hi Kammy,
give me your email address and i'll reply you there.
:)
Hullo! Just checking in to see how's everything :) I can't explain how I am able to understand, but I do and I am glad that u've moved on and yet remember Bernard..
There are times I don't like feeling old with all the experiences God hands out... But I guess He has plans for us and we just have to trust that He is good because He truly is... And remember He is faithful too.
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